Follow Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash as they they treck the difficult days of their Junior year in an all girl academy where they're picked for being lesbians ironic don't you think.
Chapters (3)
fabianguzman18
Joined 16th Mar, 2012 ·
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Damn you Fimfiction! I was all set to log off for the night and you had to present something like this?
Okay, this isn't going to be long because I don't have the time and there's also another story I want to get to so here we go.
The good:
From what I've seen, the structure is good. You've got paragraphs. One person speaking per paragraph. Indents and spacing. Very nice.
Unfortunately that's where it ends.
There are grammar and spelling errors galore as well as sentences that simply don't make sense. I'm going to assume that you're not a native English speaker based on your wording and your screen name? If so, I'll point a few things out for you. If not, you really need to go back to school.
Spacing is off. Whenever you have a period, comma or any other punctuation mark you need to have a space after it. No exceptions to this.
Proper names require a capital letter. Cloudsdale Mountains. Flutters. Etc.
You really should also use a spellcheck because as I said there are lots of spelling errors which coupled with your strange diction makes for a difficult read.
When indicating a possessive, you need to use an apostrophe s. This means that Fluttershys becomes Fluttershy's. Again, no exception to this.
If a person is speaking more than one sentence, you only add quotation marks if you need to say something to the reader that the person is not saying.
This should read:
Removed the extra quotes, the second Fluttershy and fixed some spelling.
As for the story itself. It's not bad but it's rough and would benefit from a proofreader and editor.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwghpHrRj1qf5ggm.gif
I cant
Hello! I noticed you have a few spelling and grammar errors in your fic, so I hope you don't mind if I correct some of them.
Your synopsis:
'Treck' techincally isn't a word. 'Trek', however, is the appropriate verb.
I could complain that girl should be girls' , but that's not too important.
'ironic don't you think' is slid into the last part without any connector, and it doesn't really add anything to the synopsis. I suggest either making it a separate phrase, or cutting it entirely.
I'll only edit the first paragraph. If you want any more, either wait for someone else to review (like Evil Homer), or you can reply to this asking me to review more. Else, enjoy this criticism. I'll highlight the errors in red, wierdness in blue, then I'll explain below.
1. Should be spelled 'surprisingly'.
2. Should be spelled 'tranquil'.
3. Proper nouns should be capitalized.
4. The right word is 'knew' or 'knows'.
5. This is just awkward. I suggest separating the two thoughts. You have a car with a driver who is the only one in the vehicle who knows the location, and you have a description of the driver. Split the sentence into those two ideas.
6. What do you mean by 'moderate'? Cerise is a pretty specific color, you shouldn't need 'moderate' as a modifier.
7. One does not have a 'set' of rainbow hair, unless they had a bunch of wigs or something like that. A 'head' of rainbow hair would work, or you could change up the sentence to make it flow better.
8. Should be spelled 'vehicle'.
9. Should be spelled 'pink'.
10. Same thing as point 6. Why do you need 'moderate'?
11. Should be spelled 'anxious'.
12. This is also wierd. Based on the surrounding context, this doesn't make any sense. Try ending the sentence at 'girl got out of the van.' Then say 'this was' to make the phrase flow better.
13. Should be spelled 'curious'.
14. Should be spelled 'forest'. Forrest is the name of a movie character: Forrest Gump.
15. Should still be spelled 'vehicle'. At least you're consistent.
Edit. Should be spelled 'passenger'
Anyway, good luck! And try to either fix the errors yourself, or find someone to help.
Ave,
Axôlú
this is a very sweet story
TWE's Scribblestick here to figure out where all the downvotes are coming from!
..... and that's just the spelling. And I'm pretty sure I missed some things. If I did grammar too, I'd be here 'till next Sunday.
From a storytelling perspective, I thought you lacked focus. Are we looking at Dash and Flutter's relationship in general? Their feelings of the moment? Their struggles against homophobia? All three of those were there, but I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to be paying attention to.
Which brings me to my next point, detail. You have some basic details, but again, they don't lead up to any one focus. If you want to focus on Dash and Flutter's emotions, describe their emotions. If you want to focus on the bullying, describe the bullying and how it affected them. This will give your piece a better focus, which in turn will make the end feel more complete and leave a greater impact on your readers.
I won't talk much about the plot, but there was one thing I wanted to point out:
Are they showering or taking a bath? If the former, why did they soak in a tub? If the latter, why did you say they took a shower?
Anyways, that's all from me. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
1490056 you can't what?
1490109>>1490357 thank you both for showing me my errors but besides the grammatical errors what did you think of my story?
1490247 And thank you for your sweet comment.
1490423 Hmm. In terms of characterization, theme, and plot, I have a few issues.
I've never been one for humanized ponies, but I won't let that cloud my opinion. I think the idea is relatively original, in that you have a homophobic all-girls school, but the whole lesbian thing has been overplayed. I think you may be able to bring something new, so I say keep with it anyway.
The plot... I haven't seen nearly enough to form an opinion. It's an interesting start, but I still haven't seen much.
The characterization... I saw alot of OOC :/
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had lines and actions that seemed 'off'. Humanized ponies don't work if you don't stick to their personalities. I suggest watching the Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy sections of these videos to understand better how they act and react to one another.
Also, I suggest either asking the writers and editors of 'The Life and Times of a Winning Pony' for help with Cloud Kicker's personality, or using another character that doesn't have a set personality in the fandom. Cloud Kicker has a very strongly set personality, thanks to Chengar Qordath.
Other than that, I'll look for more updates.
1490423 I'm not one for romance or humanization, which is why I avoided commenting on the plot itself. I agree with 1490468 in that I thought their homosexuality was overplayed, but honestly, I don't feel qualified to give you specific suggestions for romance.
1490468>>1490625 how is homosexuality overplayed?
1490633 It's overplayed in that alot of fics have already covered that issue. I can't give you examples off the top of my mane, but they do exist in large quantities.
1490468 thanks for the advice and yes i know his story has led to a some what 'canon' personality of cloud kicker but i've read other fics which views her as merely a fun loving happy go lucky character and i'm sticking with that personality, but still i've put that she is viewed by others as a one night stand with anyone in reference to The Life and Times of a Winning Pony
1490638 oh well no worries i shall persevere
1490633 I suppose I should have said 'sexuality' rather than 'homosexualtiy.' My mistake.
What I mean by that is I thought the physical nature of their relationship was too dominant at first. For example:
Why? What was her motivation for doing that? And then she keeps touching her for some reason. Dash is taking Flutters to a secret place in the forest. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to cuddle, hug, etc. once they get there? Holding hands as they walk or an awkward sideways hug is one thing, but right now, it seems like you're just focusing on the physical aspects of their relationship to the exclusion of others. There are other ways of establishing their relationship without resorting to physical contact. I'm not saying the physical aspect shouldn't be there, because it is an important part of any relationship. I just think you put too much emphasis on it at the beginning.
Dash's physical description seems a little odd as well, almost as if Flutters has never taken the time to check her out before. I think a little more creative description ("Moonlight reflected off her hourglass figure and firm stomach" or something) will help it seem like Fluttershy is admiring her beauty of the moment instead of noticing it for the first time.
While I'm here, this:
"Orders" is definitely the wrong word here. It's too strong. Also, I'm a little confused as to why Fluttershy knows so little about their destination. Those two factors made this scene seem more menacing than you probably want it to be. Maybe writing out their conversation would help, something like this:
And so on and so forth.
Wow, that went on longer than I thought it would. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
Overall, this story has potential, but... sweet Celestia that spelling and grammar.
1490423 another story ruined by spelling and grammar errors
PM for proof reading.
i shall read this soon after you're done fixing your problems. hey just saying.
1491110>>1491792>>1491972 no need to fear my friends wolf you shall be my editor
1491972
1491110
1490789
1490468
1489971
I GOT THIS!
IT HAS BEEN EDITED!
Happy?!
1493458
No, I'm not.
All I see is the spacing has changed. There are still spelling errors and the flow is still kinda wonky.
The problem with the spelling, as I see it, is that the word is spelled incorrectly but it's actually spelled correctly for another word. For example right off the bat you've got this:
The word there should be "curious". What you have there is "curios" which means "strange or interesting objects". So using a spellcheck will not flag this as being incorrect. An editor should have caught that error. There's also the issue with the structure of the sentence itself.
Using "rainbow haired girl" and "pink haired girl" is just weird. We already know who's driving so why not say "driver" and "passenger"? It's a lot more common not to mention you don't need to keep saying "whatever haired girl". Then using the term "orders" makes it sound like a command. The rest of it could be cleaned up a little more to make it more friendly to the reader. Just as an example:
When they finally stopped, the driver said with a smile, "we're here, " and promptly got out of the van. Her passenger looked a little unsure of this as they were in the middle of the forest, but she followed her friend and exited the vehicle as well.
It's got a much better flow and the sentence has been broken up as it was too long. I haven't bothered to read any further because of this. If there's one spelling mistake like that right off the bat then there's probably going to be others as well. Besides, if you're going to edit the story you should take care of things like this as well. That's the job of an editor.
But then that's just my opinion on the matter because you asked.
1493538 well thank you, but I have to log in as the owner to fix things.
I also have to publish/unpublish to save it, as the save button is broken for me.
Y U HATE MY COMPUTER?!
1493547
Well that sucks.
Here's an idea. Copy it to notepad, or some easy kind of text editor, send it to the author and then he can publish it for you. Whenever I write I never write using Fimfiction, always in notepad then it's a simple matter of copypasta.
In any case good luck with that.
1493617 I use google docs (I always make a copy on notepad or similar of down times)
I have told him to make a thing on google docs.
1493624
That'll work too although I've never actually leveraged Google docs so I can't really comment on it.
In any case if you're unable to save it in Fimfiction, have the author do it. Also, hassles like this is why I never volunteer to edit for anybody.
1490789 got it
1493458 thanks can i count on you for future chapters?
1494591 Yes, but put the document on google docs.
I'd rather not log in as you anymore
1494703 will do pinkie promise also i sent you a link to a picture af wolf fluttershy and rainbow dash did you make it into a fic?
1494732 not yet, I'm write 2-3 other fics at the moment -.-'
and editing another fic (on that's very popular ^_^)
1494760 interesting
go on
1489956>>1490056 It has been edited will you please give it another chance?
1496187 you have no idea how much that means to me i mean have you seen all the negitive votes hopefully more will follow
1496146
Edited?
...
fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/530584_168236589982128_877558803_n.jpg
ADVANCE, FOR TODAY, WE READ
~EDIT~
A few spelling errors, but not much to fret about, all I can say is, a LOT better
1497198 thanks
Well....
I'm not exactly sure what I think
1498825 are you a flutterdash fan?
1498835
Nnope
1498837 Well either way i must know did you like it or should i change some things or do you have any suggestions for the next chapter?
Well, plot wise I think you're doing a wonderful job, I just don't like the romance part, but that's just my preference; and me not being part of your target audience
1498849 well I do want to do soem romance chapters but i also am doing some chapters that have the couple not act like one if you get what i mean so people might go "Oh i forgot they were dating."
yeah, so
I'll give you a like, you deserve it
1498885 Thanks really appreciate it especially with all those dislikes hopefully you stick around for chapter two
1501414yes you are just wait for chapter 2
1503484 how is it off and for which characters and how can i improve for the future?
So any ideas?
Y does this have so many thumbs downs!? Oh well, I guess some people don't like good writing.(or they're pissed that u haven't finished it yet)
2997461
I think they are more pissed that she or he has not finished it yet.
yes I guess they are its just life gets in the way after high school graduation and not in a good way would you like to help me if you have an>>3386681 ideas please tell me
There is a lot of places this story could go. I have always enjoyed the high school romance, FlutterDash fics. You have so much to work with. Friendships, Bullies, parents, Teachers, Just a ton of material to pull from. I would say keep it going. I would look into getting a proofreader as well. You have a good idea here, keep it going! Even if it has been a long time, you can always continue it.
Love the idea, and I hope to see more from you.
The word they is there twice.
treck is spelled trek
No. How is it ironic?
Im not going to bother reading any more since your description is that bad.