Lily Blossom has been living in Ponyville for years now. She has a great job, lots of friends, and is trusted by everypony. But when one of Twilight's spells reveals a very deep secret about her, her life is thrown into disarray.
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Fidelis
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Interesting setup. Let's see how it goes.
Hm. I don't know what to think of this yet; the grammar, spelling and structure was perfectly sound, but the story, so far, could use some work. I think it may be just because it's still in its first chapter, so i'll favorite the story and see what happens next.
First off, while I know you are mostly writing for yourself, please understand that I am commenting from a reader’s POV.
Filler
As I read this quite a few things felt like filler to me. Lily’s interaction with Roseluck had no purpose to it. It was inconsequential to know that she left. Tagged along with sentences like “She spent a few hours methodically clipping flowers before stopping for her lunch break. She closed up the shop and made her way back to the marketplace. She bought a daisy sandwich at a café and started on her way back.” Slow down the fic. That is bad in and of itself because the fic hasn’t had the chance to build up momentum yet.
Important scenes?
I noticed that you spent a good deal of time dealing with Lily’s relationship and her dress. My question is, are they important to the story later on. Similar to what I said in the filler bit, you should right every scene as though it has a specific purpose. In doing so, no scene is wasted and individually as well as collectively they build on the narrative.
The big question is, why do we care? Why should we care that Lily ate a Daisy sandwich for lunch? Is it going to give her the shits that bring her demise? Basically, no one cares to read about the day to day things that happen to the character unless we see that action drive the action further.
I feel it is what you asked of me to give my ideas as to what could happen with such things, so here we go. With both the dress and the relationship, these could both be used for Lily’s downfall. Currently the wy I am seeing the story going is that rather than being blown away by Cadance and SA’s spell, Lily’s uses all her magic to stay grounded. This comes at the cost of her disguise. Still in her dress but shown as the changeling she is, her friend freak out and take things too far. Perhaps Lily was eaten and/or killed by a changeling who then took her dress (they are under stress, wild logic is always present). In the end, her relationship should be the reason we feel so bad for her. She has been building a great experience and then it is all thrown away. As with the dress, it can be a metaphor for her life. If Lily keeps it around after her exposure, have the dress gradually become worse in condition as her life becomes worse. At the time she decides to become someone new, she relives herself of the dress.
Where to go from here
This is your story, and you should make it how you want to but here is where I am going to list off some things that really need to get done in this chapter before publishing if you want to keep people interested.
Get to or set up some action. By the description, we know something is up with Lily and by the end of the chapter we know (or at least anyone who is clever will know) she is a changeling. This is obvious because of the wedding integration as well as the “ponies” mentioning a scout. It is my opinion that people will then lose interest because they will assume that Lily is exposed by Twilight, either thrown out or killed or somewhere in between depending on how dark you want to make the fic and that’s that. As reader’s, we assume cookie cutter story for the most part because people just reprint what is popular (look at FO:E and My Little Dashie spin-offs)
Personally I recommend that you consolidate the chapter a bit to the point where Lily is exposed to the reader to be a changeling, and progress the story to the wedding and invasion and end it at about the point the swarm attacks Canterlot. If not there then when Lily has a very high risk of exposure to her friends or to the public. (I have ideas on how you might want to play out some of the scenes but I will keep quiet unless you otherwise ask for them. This is first and foremost your creation; do with it as you please)
If nothing else, extend the chapter. Give the readers something to want to read. Book authors have a unspoken “rule” of sorts, the three chapter rule. You have three chapters you get the protagonist to the conflict and get the reader invested. You already have one down, use the second to raise anticipation for the conflict and the third to punch it in the face. Don’t waste this chapter to continue poking at the potential conflict. You should not really on the story summary to keep people reading, that should just get people to read.
Any other questions/concerns, text or call me. I am fairly available.
Also, obligatory first!!!
Hello, Fidelis. Thanks to your offer to edit for Visiden Visidane, I decided to do some research. I wanted to be sure you were going to be a help. This is rather promising.
Your fic was pretty clean, that's a good sign.
Some things I noticed:
"poked"
Should be "half-shut"
You actually need a "colored" in there, or else she's the cream mare, similar to the milk mare, but heavier.
Backwards close quote.
Needs to be capitalized. Comma. "Armor" The alternate spelling shouldn't be used when we have a canon spelling.
Also, I don't want to say I know the way this story's going, but if the tingling in the back of her head is what I think it is (cancer) then you may be running into a mislabeling here. If it is, this should be tagged as [Sad]. [Tragedy] is for when the character's... character is responsible for the problem. [Sad] is for when something bad happens to them. However, there do seem to be two possible routs for you to go to keep it accurately labeled, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
A comment on your writing style:
You like going off on long descriptions of things, which is something Visiden Visidane is looking to eliminate, so that's something to be aware of if you do go and edit for him.
2252993
To respond to each of your notes in order:
-I caught that before, but I thought I had fixed it. Guess not.
-Fixed.
-Fixed.
-That one actually isn't me, it's Microsoft Word (I write there before copying over to here). It likes to think that if there isn't a letter, number, or standard punctuation in front of it that it's a new dialogue. Not much I can do about that until I copy my work over to here, but because I usually don't cut off sentences like that I forget to fix it.
-Fixed Captain, and my bad for 'Armour'. It's a force of habit.
-I'll leave the label as it is for now since some of the details are still being finalized, but thanks for pointing that out.
-I sometimes subconsciously pick up writing habits from what I read, and the more I see it the more likely I am to pick it up. Visiden isn't the only author I read that does that. I'll see what I can do about that, thanks again for pointing it out.