Interview with Star Sparkle
Transcript of an interview on the subject of Noble herds and Houses.
Date: 1215/11/08
Time: 9:09am
Interviewer: TWILIGHT SPARKLE, BELLEROPHON MICHAELIDES
Interviewee: STAR SPARKLE
(Start of Interview)
STAR SPARKLE: (inaudible) marvelous new piece of arcanotechnology and you’re just using it to record interviews for this project of yours, you could be-
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: I’ve already explained, it’s still being tested.
SS: I don’t see why you should let something like that stop you exploiting it.
TS: I’ve not worked all the kinks out yet. It has a habit of activating in emotionally charged situations.
SS: Well then, the solution to that is to not leave it lying around in your bedroom!
TS: Mother!
SS: Tell me dear, where’s this human of yours? I was hoping I’d meet him before we started this little game.
TS: Mother, this is a serious hippological study and-
SS: They’re always serious.
TS: -I would have thought you might have- yes they’re always serious! I’m always serious!
SS: So is your father. Oh he’s fine, by the way, apparently the Princess found him very amusing once again.
TS: He- what- what did he do this time?
SS: I believe he spent a whole night educating Princess Luna on the finer points of his new cataloguing system. She’s quite enamoured with the idea, and wants to have him to go back and explain it in more detail. Do you think we’d benefit from another princess in the family?
TS: Mother, that- are you serious? No you can’t be, you’re never serious!
SS: Oh I can be serious when I want to be, dear.
TS: Only when it- never mind. I’m starting this interview now, can you at least try to take it seriously?
SS: Trying is my middle name, sweetie.
TS: I know. Okay. (pause) Okay. Interview with Professor Star Sparkle-
SS: I was really hoping that lovely Rainbow Dash would be around for this. She’s quite entertaining.
TS: Mother, please. (pause) Interview with-
SS: She does have a very nice colouration.
TS: Interview-
SS: Is she as energetic as she looks?
TS: (pause) This is why I never write to you.
SS: I just assumed you were-
TS: I need a drink. You wait right here.
SS: I’ll take a gin and tonic, lime, no ice.
TS: (inaudible)
(recording ends)
(recording begins)
TS: (inaudible)
SS: If you’re sure, dear. I know I was being a little-
TS: (inaudible)
SS: I think I can live with that.
BELLEROPHON MICHAELIDES: (inaudible) I should do this, love? She’s your-
TS: (inaudible) pain in the flank.
BM: This isn’t exactly how I expected to meet you.
SS: That’s absolutely fine, dear. You are quite the specimen, aren’t you?
BM: I (pause) Um, you- you’re not a lot like Twilight.
SS: No. She takes after her father. Lucent, if you’re wondering.
BM: Lucent Sparkle?
SS: Noctis.
BM: Noctis?
SS: My, she didn’t tell you much at all, did she?
BM: She certainly didn’t tell me her father was called Nightlight.
SS: Oh, a scholar of ancient Equestrian! It seems You’re not the only one who was uninformed. And that would be Duke Nightlight to you, sonny.
BM: Duke. So you’re a Duchess?
SS: Oh no, dear. Just a common unicorn, or at least as common as unicorns can be, I suppose. Lucent is the only offspring of House Smaragdvea of Emerald Reach and I, as a mere commoner, can’t inherit the title for reasons I’ve never been able to understand. I should probably have Twilight’s tutor explain it to me someday but she seems so busy.
BM: You mean Princess Celestia.
SS: Yes. That’s what I said, wasn’t it?
BM: You- (pause) Never mind. I’m supposed to be interviewing you about-
SS: She’s not doing a very good job, let me tell you. I’m sure my little Twilight is gaining an excellent education and I’m quite certain she’ll have a position at the University before long, but she just insists on sending my poor filly out on all these damn-fool quests to save the world, quote unquote, when she has all those gorgeous stallions at her beck and call. When are we going to get started on this interview?
BM: I’ve been trying to start for the last few minutes.
SS: So direct, too! Oh this is wonderful! The girls will just adore you.
BM: That would be Lucent’s herd?
SS: Yes. Yes it would.
BM: Maybe you could tell me about them.
SS: I- I suppose I could. (pause) I’m not sure what to say, really.
BM: Start with their names.
SS: Their names. Oh! How silly of me, of course you’d want to know their names! Well lets see, I have a picture here somewhere.
BM: That would be-
SS: Here we go!
BM: Where did you hide that- you know what, never mind, I should have stopped being surprised a long time ago.
SS: (inaudible) comfortable? I could move a little closer if you like.
BM: That’s fine.
SS: Are you sure you wouldn’t want to sit a little closer? It’s rather chilly in here. No?
BM: (inaudible)
SS: I’m not sure what a scotch is but-
BM: It’s not important. You were-
SS: Is it some sort of cocktail?
BM: -going to tell me about your family. Er, herd.
SS: Of course. Take a look. (pause) That’s Lucent in the centre.
BM: And that’s you next to him, I see. You’re his, um, uh, lead mare?
SS: How delightfully outmoded. Yes, I would fill that position quite adequately.
BM: Rainbow hates being called that too.
SS: Oh she does? My my. Well, that’s me there, yes, and to my left are Twilight Velvet- yes there are good reasons they share a name- and Crystal Glimmer. On Lucent’s right, uh, Scintilla, Crinklebutt- I mean Lady Crincile De Botici-
BM: Crinklebutt?
SS: Heir to the Marquessa of Botici. I love her dearly.
BM: Um, right. So after that?
SS: Cinnammon Swift and Glint Garnet.
BM: He’s your-
SS: He’s mostly Lucent’s.
BM: Ah?
SS: Oh dear boy, surely you’ve had this explained- what was that gesture? Is that a shrug? (pause) You really don’t know all this? (inaudible) point of all that education if she doesn’t use it?
BM: I knew there could be more than one male in a relationship, but-
SS: You’re uncomfortable with the idea that they’d be intimate with one another?
BM: No, actually, I just- I mean, I’ve had offers even, it’s just the way you said mostly Lucent’s. It- I don’t, um, I guess I’m still thinking in exclusive terms.
SS: Twilight was right, you are unusual. And we still haven’t started this interview yet.
BM: I tell you, I’ve been trying! I have a list of questions right here that Twilight-
SS: Oh, lists, always lists. So like her father. How about-
BM: She wanted me to ask-
SS: -we just talk a while longer? Swap stories? I mean I still know almost nothing about you and you’ve been Twilight’s for, what, six, eight months?
BM: Gads, has it been that long? Um, yeah, if it gets what Twilight wants then-
SS: Well I’ll go first! My herd you already know (pause) The start, then. I’m from Cavalbridge originally, you can probably tell by my accent.
BM: I’m not that good at Equestrian accents.
SS: Oh. Well it’s a very nice town anyway. Rather nicer than Canterlot, I dare say, though you would not believe just how expensive it can be to live there. Good University town, though.
BM: Cavalbridge University? (pause) Is it near a place called something like Oxford?
SS: Oh do you mean Hocksford? Oh, not close by, no. They’re on the opposite sides of Canter Peak, but their universities have quite the rivalry.
BM: Unbelievable.
SS: So what about you?
BM: I’m from a country called America, originally. I, um, it’s a nice place.
SS: Maria ka?
BM: America.
SS: There’s a huge island a distance out to the west called Maria- mariaca- something. Wild place, full of creatures called Llamas. I was part of an informal expedition to make contact with some of the more remote tribes but they just spat at us and ran away. You don’t have Llamas where you come from, do you?
BM: I think they’re south american. Brazil or somewhere like that?
SS: Bra- brasil. Brasssil. That sounds familiar but I can’t quite- oh, never mind. What about your family, dear?
BM: My, ah, well they’re- I- can we talk about something else? I’ve been-
SS: If you want.
BM: -meaning to ask about marriages and that, uh, that sort of thing.
SS: I see.
BM: You, uh, Rainbow told me that marriages are usually something only nobility engage in?
SS: Oh yes, they’re usually a formalisation of agreements between the great noble houses that sometimes stretch back centuries. In fact Crinkle- ah, excuse me, Lady Crincile- joined our herd for just that reason. Poor thing, she was so young and naive, she had no idea what she was in for.
BM: I think I’m starting to understand.
SS: The marriage was rather grand, though not as extravagant as my son’s marriage to that- that (inaudible) princess.
BM: Princess Cadence? I met her, she seems nice.
SS: I certainly would not hear a word said against her in my presence. She’s a wonderful mare. She just- they- they haven’t even tried courting anypony else. It’s disgraceful!
BM: They’re- what do you call it, monogamist?
SS: I would never say such a thing about my own flesh and blood!
BM: But you-
SS: Despite the fact that they’ve been married for over two years without even trying to court another mare, or without producing a foal, or even writing to explain-
BM: Lady Sparkle, this is all going in the book, you know.
SS: Oh Twilight can edit that part out- no, on second thought she can leave it in! Perhaps they’ll get the message!
BM: That seems-
SS: Why would you be so interested in marriage anyway?
BM: I- maybe we should talk about that later.
SS: Oh. Oh we shall, dear. We shall.
BM: So, ah, are you and Lucent m-married?
SS: Not in the sense that Luci and Crinkle are. We exchanged horn rings and I buy him a little present every year on the anniversary, but we aren’t- it’s not- there’s no benefit to it. We’ve been lovers for forty years. Why ruin it with politics?
BM: Sounds like you’re married to me. The horn rings-
SS: Are personal. Marriage is between families. A family might marry itself into higher status by giving one of its stallions to another, higher ranked noble or they might gain a more powerful title by marrying the sole male offspring of another house. That’s what Crincile was for.
BM: Sounds very cynical.
SS: That’s because it is. An ancient agreement between De Botici and the Smaragdvea included a clause that would allow De Botici to marry themselves up if Smaragdvea ever found they were without an heir. It’s a risky proposition.
BM: The duchess could produce an heir after the marriage and make it pointless?
SS: You catch on fast.
BM: There was a lot of that sort of thing in the past on my world. Like the Medici-
SS: Did you say Maredici?
BM: Medici. They were a powerful Italian fami-
SS: Is everything on your world a nonsensical parody of this one?
BM: I- no? What?
SS: Bitaly, Maredici, Hocksford, I expect you’ll tell me next that the Bittish Isles and Prance had a hundred year war.
BM: Actually-
SS: It doesn’t matter, I have to assume it’s all real, nopony would make up something like that and be so uncreative about it.
BM: I’m glad you-
SS: They’re two thousand miles apart! Even if they did have a hundred year-long war they’d spend most of it walking back and forth!
BM: So you were telling me about risky propositions?
SS: I was? (inaudible) yes, Crincile. The agreement stated that her offspring would become the next Duchess Smaragdvea on Luci’s death, a long time from now, Celestia willing. When the old Duchess died it was all set in stone, but it didn’t account for one slight problem.
BM: I’m going to assume that’s you.
SS: Cynic.
BM: I've had a very fast education.
SS: Actually it was Crincile’s problem. Poor thing can’t conceive. She tried, Iovi knows she tried and it was heartbreaking when she realised she’d never- it- oh dear. I’m sorry, I must have something in my eye.
BM: Are you sure you should be telling me this?
SS: Oh it’s been public knowledge for a long time. If not for the fact that I’d foaled Shiny before the marriage it would have been quite a scandal.
BM: I- oh, uh, all right then. It must have been hard for her.
SS: For all of us, yes, but it does have a bright side.
BM: It does?
SS: Since I was the first in the herd to have a filly, Twilight inherits the whole-
(door slam, hoof steps)
SS: -lot, which is just-
TS: And when were you planning on telling me this, mother?
SS: On my deathbed, which I fully expect to be occupying any day now thanks to all the stress you’ve put me through.
TS: All the stre- mom! I just found out literally moments ago that I’m supposed to be some sort of duchess! You’re hardly the one to talk about causing stress! (pause) I can't be a duchess! How could I be a duchess?
SS: You’re the eldest female offspring of a noble, what did you expect?
TS: (pause) I guess I didn’t think about it.
SS: There’s a lot of that going around. Very good job listening at the door, by the way. I didn't even realize you were there! Where did you learn to be that quiet?
TS: I think that’s none of your business.
SS: Complaints from the neighbours then. Luci always says the only way to keep me quiet is to gag me with his-
TS: Mom!
BM: Maybe I should end this here before we say something we regret.
SS: At my age I can’t afford to feel regret!
TS: Perhaps you should consider it! (pause) That’s odd.
SS: What? My age? Sweetie you know how-
TS: No, normally Lyra comes in around now.
BM: She’s out with Bon Bon for the day. Something about-
(recording ends)
I was bullied in to posting this! Bullied I say!
But it's thematic, so it's fine.
Ha..Hah
My gut hurts so bad right now.
Comedic gold.
No, I don't care how smart you are Twilight, you will not win against your mother. Still, that's a lot of herd mates and only one set of foals out of the lot of them? Doesn't that strike you as odd? Is Equestria in the midst of a massive population decrease?
MOAR!
Seriously, though, I hope this isn't the last we'll get of this particular flavor of interaction.
Star is so funny.
Who bullied you? The othe readers?
1712863
No, Star did.
Great character btw, maybe a bit overbearing, but believably so.
this chapter made me lose feeling in my left leg. i have the sudden urge to go outside and mark my territory...
1712831 Bullied or not that was one of my favorite chapters so far. You are doing a fantastic job with this story and I can't wait to read more.
I love Twi momma.
Everyone calls twilight's mum velvet.
MORE!!!!!! I demand a chapter where Twilights mother flirts with BM
Twilight's mom is hilarious. Especially from distance.
Also, I loved the part where she asks Lero if every place on Earth is named as a weird pun based on Equestrian geography. It was inspired.
Luv it!
1712889
Magic might not work that way, and if it does they would only get mares.
Twilight's mother is a special case. I like her.
1712889
Think of it from first principles:
When ponies were first evolving and first gaining access to magic, for whatever reason, they had a disparity between the ratios of males to females. While they gained magic, this disparity still existed and would have affected the social structures that initially formed.
By the time the technology to artificially impregnate somepony (and magic is, by the definition of technology, exactly that) would've been developed [1], then it would've been developed after at very least centuries and possibly milleia after pony culture had time to develop, during which time most of the social norms would have been established. While these would slowly morph and change over time, once it was established that Polygamy is the appropriate response to the gender ratio (which from a historial and cultural perspective, it would effectively be the way it always was as far as ponies are concerned) then it would be very difficult to dislodge that notion... or even desirable.
If you still have trouble believing that polygamy is appropriate and monogamy is shunned because of something like a ratio of 5:1 between females and males, then I suggest remembering that the average difference between the physical capabilities of males and female humans physically is within 5%, and yet this small difference has caused the majority of cultures on the planet to put men above women. Even in industrialized cultures where such a difference is no longer meaningful, you'll find the remnants of oppression to women centuries after it ceased to matter that the average male is a marginally better fighter than the average female.
By contrast, the gender disparity between male and female ponies is enormous, and would have a similarly large effect on the culture and mindset
[1] If it even has been yet, and not just sexy spells, remember, their apparent level of technological and societal progress appears to be post-Rennisance to very-early-Industrial-Revolution and it is entirely possible that they don't understand the specific mechanics of genetics or biology well enough to artificially inseminate somepony. And there's always the possibility that magic just can't do that.
Edit: P.S. - Good chapter, I like miss Sparkle, though in limited doses. It might be better/appropriate to show others rather... exasperated... with her at some other time.
Go on... i'm listening...
Ahh yes, this was nice,very nice indeed.
Now I wonder what Twi's father is like though. . .
- As a history student, this is my favorite chapter thus far.
1712853 One of the earlier chapter states, and its alluded to in another, that conception rates are only around 30%, its a result of the pony species being a mixing of three sub-species.
1712954 Ah, a fellow scholar! Welcome!
To Archonix, could you by any chance find a way to work in a "Stalliongrad/Stalingrad" reference in future chapters? Because that would totally make my day.
Wow, Star Sparkle has a way with words....
Too many of them. Sorry Twi, you'll never win that war.
1712853 That's an interesting thought... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
1712863>>1712887 She is very... persuasive.
1712889 On Lyra, I've got a story coming along that deals with precisely that. It's... probably not covering any new ground, particularly, but I enjoyed writing it. It'll go up in the other Side Stories in a little while.
As for the polygamy:
1712944 1712954
Very short version is: a wizard did it. Longer version is, Andoriol is fairly close to what I've got boiling away in the back of my mind, though there are some differences. Of course it's worth remembering that this is written from their point of view so they don't know everything about what happened in the ancient past. In fact they're dead wrong about a few key details, particularly how ponies evolved into the three races and how the Alicorns (or Pegacorns, or whatever you want) actually fit in to that puzzle.
But I'm not explaining it here, because where's the fun in that? Another story, another time...
1713020 Spoiled only child of nobility, tendency to flights of extreme fancy and no sense of social etiquette or, well, sanity. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
1713028 If the opportunity arises, certainly.
1713029 Oh she has her way with them, all right...
Waaait a minute.
How old did she have twilight with? She said she's been married 40 years!
I want more info on twi's mom's herd, i didn't understand it all, how many are there in it? Is her father the one doing all the fucking since the other male is gay?
Damn Twi's mom is so annoying but so cute at the same time! hahaha
1712889
There is also the point that Twilight is working on a spell that will allow Lero and her to have foals. A spell for mares to have foals with another mare might not exist yet until Twilight finishes her project.
Professor Star Sparkle is new best pony. Also, Lucent Noctis/Nightlight, I like it.
Hah!
I lol'd. This was the funniest one yet.
1712831 Indeed, sah? One calls Lies and Defamations upon thee!
This was quite entertaining, though it sure made me want more. I really want Lero to draw a map or something, that whole little section about the Bittish Isles and Prance being 2000 miles apart would have me drawing a world map. Though I get a feeling you could have fun with that.
1713028 - Not to be too 'scientific' about it, but it was about 30%, per 'session' during a cycle. Thus, for a high chance to conceive, two would have to mate 3-4 times per cycle. Multiply that by X number of mares in a given herd and that all of the mares in a given herd will most likely cycle at the same time means it's very... stressful for a stallion at that time. That entire argument was more the rational behind the protective nature of mares for stallions, not the lack of ponies Sired by Lucent.
My point was, Twilight and Shining both come from Shining Star and Lucent Noctis. But, there are at least 3-4 other mares in that herd besides the other noble that they said was barren, yet they have no other half-siblings or foals from the other mares?
1713166 Alright, so the herd consists of two males, one of which we can safely say is predominantly homosexual. Though this second male may be willing to "Take One for the Team". One weak, 4 or 5 mares in total, two males, at least 40 years of opportunities. Yep, your right, that is an abnormally low number of children to take.
On the subject of how stressful "heat" or estrus season would be for males, you make an excellent point. Lets take Lero's herd as the most basic example, given its lowest common ratio. Assuming he could concieve with a 30% per session. To guarantee the conception, he would have to sleep with each mare 3-4 times. That means he would have to have sex around 12 times in the course of a week. But as we know from Xenophilia, just having sex doesn't make the heat go away, it stays for that entire week. So Lero's position is more to keep every mare "topped up" in the HALA!!! department. I got the impression that two rounds per day keeps the angry mare away, one in the morning, one in the afternoon. So in this case where it is not reproduction but keeping the mares happy, Lero would have to have sex six times a day, for a week, maybe more to keep his herd happy. That works out to about 42 times in a week.
Good lord, I think most men would pale at that attempt. Also, meaning of life reference! Totally unintentional btw. Achievement get!
So, on the topic of it being a stressful situation. Males could have it difficult too in human societies. As you may know, Human Females, when living communally, sync up in their cycles (Xenophilia mares do the same thing). That means that in the times of cave men all the women would get cranky at the same time. (Though that is showing to be a stereotype, there are women who do not become aggressive when on their period). Some scholars have theorized that if the men did not want to have children to avoid PMS, they would go on a hunting expedition every month for a few days. This meant that the community always had a ready supply of nutritional meat.
I'm doing science and I'm still alive!
Twilight's mom reminds me of my grandmother. Impossible to keep still, never serious, and endlessly cynical.
Am i a sad person for kind of being annoyed about not being able to listen to the actual interview questions and answers?
1713166>>1713248
This is what I love to see. This and more of this! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
Another point to consider that I just thought of: Twilight is in her mid 20s at most, but Star and Lucent have been together for 40 years. They must be in their 60s, or they courted very young; either way they took a long time getting around to making their kiddies (which makes sense - Star's an academic and probably married to her tenure). Just a little hypocrisy in her complaint about Shining and Cadence not having foals yet?
Also, Sudden Headcanon declares that Velvet was always more interested in Star Sparkle than Lucent and didn't particularly want foals, Glint is very much a stallion's stallion, and the other three are significantly younger and were late additions. Perhaps that makes a difference? The subtle division of a family like that could also explain a little of Twilight's neurotic personality.
1713263 I think you understand.
1713152 A map would be fun, though I'd always be worried about stepping on other mapmakers toes.
1713079 She's probably in her 60s. Twilight's obviously a late addition. As for the numbers in the herd, 2 stallions - Glint Garnet and Lucent Noctis - and 6 mares - Star Sparkle, Twilight Velvet, Crystal Glimmer, Scintilla, Lady Crincile de Botici and Cinnamon Swift, who I've decided is a pegasus for some reason.
1713351
See, I was going to ask about your assumed ages for the characters but I figured it would come up in one of the chapters. In the show, I estimate the ages of the Mane 6 to be late teens, early twenties, so the Xenophilia stories must take place a few years following. I figured Twilight's parents would be mid to late fifties, Shining and Cadence thirty or so, and Lero twenty-eight or twenty-nine? I figure Rainbow, Twilight, and Lyra are of a similar age.
This was beautiful, it's like i'm hearing my own mom... gawds the pain!
1713370 If we take Star's claim to be a bit of exaggeration for effect, she could be late fifties, so all of that sounds about right.
1713404
Do ponies have the same life expectancy as a human or will Lero croak thirty years before Rainbow shows wrinkles?
1712831
So if we bully you more, we'll get more of this? Is that what I'm hearing?
Someone get Babs Seed on speed-dial!
1712831 LOL. I'm dying laughing, apparantly. :D
I demand more Star Sparkle!
Welp, looks like Twilight better get that Inter-Species Fertility Spell working, or there's going to be a crisis when she becomes duchess without any chance of producing a heir.
Twilight's mom is hilariously awesome. She needs to meet Dash. Twilight would never get another moment of peace, but it has to happen.
Also, hail Duchess Twilight, long may she
reinreign.Oh, and Crinklebutt is best noblepony.
My sides broke while reading this. Oh god my sides...
Twilight's hilarious dam comes from a common source, but she mostly makes me think of Henry Higgins' mother.
Bon Bon?.....Lero is about to have a new family/herd member.
1713883
I thought a "dam" was a pregnant mare, not one that has already given birth?
Holy hell dude, this was the best chapter you've done in a while!
It's got humor, character development, and best of all
WORLD BUILDING!
I'm glad you finally answered a question I've had for a while
regarding more than 1 stallion in a herd
because that was mentioned in Xenophilia but I never quite got why
there would be 2 stallions in a single herd
And now I feel kind of stupid, because in the Xenoverse it's the norm to be bisexual
of course I assumed that just applied to the mares, but now I can see that I was wrong.
On one final note: Star is A LOT like me, it's rather uncanny
Gold. Pure Gold.
HA that was great
Twilight's mom is certainly the type of character I'd like to see more often in the story.
I really enjoyed the dynamic you've created between Twilight and Star. Not only does it seem lifelike, it's pure comedic gold.