Interview with Star Sparkle
Transcript of an interview on the subject of Noble herds and Houses.
Date: 1215/11/08
Time: 9:09am
Interviewer: TWILIGHT SPARKLE, BELLEROPHON MICHAELIDES
Interviewee: STAR SPARKLE
(Start of Interview)
STAR SPARKLE: (inaudible) marvelous new piece of arcanotechnology and you’re just using it to record interviews for this project of yours, you could be-
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: I’ve already explained, it’s still being tested.
SS: I don’t see why you should let something like that stop you exploiting it.
TS: I’ve not worked all the kinks out yet. It has a habit of activating in emotionally charged situations.
SS: Well then, the solution to that is to not leave it lying around in your bedroom!
TS: Mother!
SS: Tell me dear, where’s this human of yours? I was hoping I’d meet him before we started this little game.
TS: Mother, this is a serious hippological study and-
SS: They’re always serious.
TS: -I would have thought you might have- yes they’re always serious! I’m always serious!
SS: So is your father. Oh he’s fine, by the way, apparently the Princess found him very amusing once again.
TS: He- what- what did he do this time?
SS: I believe he spent a whole night educating Princess Luna on the finer points of his new cataloguing system. She’s quite enamoured with the idea, and wants to have him to go back and explain it in more detail. Do you think we’d benefit from another princess in the family?
TS: Mother, that- are you serious? No you can’t be, you’re never serious!
SS: Oh I can be serious when I want to be, dear.
TS: Only when it- never mind. I’m starting this interview now, can you at least try to take it seriously?
SS: Trying is my middle name, sweetie.
TS: I know. Okay. (pause) Okay. Interview with Professor Star Sparkle-
SS: I was really hoping that lovely Rainbow Dash would be around for this. She’s quite entertaining.
TS: Mother, please. (pause) Interview with-
SS: She does have a very nice colouration.
TS: Interview-
SS: Is she as energetic as she looks?
TS: (pause) This is why I never write to you.
SS: I just assumed you were-
TS: I need a drink. You wait right here.
SS: I’ll take a gin and tonic, lime, no ice.
TS: (inaudible)
(recording ends)
(recording begins)
TS: (inaudible)
SS: If you’re sure, dear. I know I was being a little-
TS: (inaudible)
SS: I think I can live with that.
BELLEROPHON MICHAELIDES: (inaudible) I should do this, love? She’s your-
TS: (inaudible) pain in the flank.
BM: This isn’t exactly how I expected to meet you.
SS: That’s absolutely fine, dear. You are quite the specimen, aren’t you?
BM: I (pause) Um, you- you’re not a lot like Twilight.
SS: No. She takes after her father. Lucent, if you’re wondering.
BM: Lucent Sparkle?
SS: Noctis.
BM: Noctis?
SS: My, she didn’t tell you much at all, did she?
BM: She certainly didn’t tell me her father was called Nightlight.
SS: Oh, a scholar of ancient Equestrian! It seems You’re not the only one who was uninformed. And that would be Duke Nightlight to you, sonny.
BM: Duke. So you’re a Duchess?
SS: Oh no, dear. Just a common unicorn, or at least as common as unicorns can be, I suppose. Lucent is the only offspring of House Smaragdvea of Emerald Reach and I, as a mere commoner, can’t inherit the title for reasons I’ve never been able to understand. I should probably have Twilight’s tutor explain it to me someday but she seems so busy.
BM: You mean Princess Celestia.
SS: Yes. That’s what I said, wasn’t it?
BM: You- (pause) Never mind. I’m supposed to be interviewing you about-
SS: She’s not doing a very good job, let me tell you. I’m sure my little Twilight is gaining an excellent education and I’m quite certain she’ll have a position at the University before long, but she just insists on sending my poor filly out on all these damn-fool quests to save the world, quote unquote, when she has all those gorgeous stallions at her beck and call. When are we going to get started on this interview?
BM: I’ve been trying to start for the last few minutes.
SS: So direct, too! Oh this is wonderful! The girls will just adore you.
BM: That would be Lucent’s herd?
SS: Yes. Yes it would.
BM: Maybe you could tell me about them.
SS: I- I suppose I could. (pause) I’m not sure what to say, really.
BM: Start with their names.
SS: Their names. Oh! How silly of me, of course you’d want to know their names! Well lets see, I have a picture here somewhere.
BM: That would be-
SS: Here we go!
BM: Where did you hide that- you know what, never mind, I should have stopped being surprised a long time ago.
SS: (inaudible) comfortable? I could move a little closer if you like.
BM: That’s fine.
SS: Are you sure you wouldn’t want to sit a little closer? It’s rather chilly in here. No?
BM: (inaudible)
SS: I’m not sure what a scotch is but-
BM: It’s not important. You were-
SS: Is it some sort of cocktail?
BM: -going to tell me about your family. Er, herd.
SS: Of course. Take a look. (pause) That’s Lucent in the centre.
BM: And that’s you next to him, I see. You’re his, um, uh, lead mare?
SS: How delightfully outmoded. Yes, I would fill that position quite adequately.
BM: Rainbow hates being called that too.
SS: Oh she does? My my. Well, that’s me there, yes, and to my left are Twilight Velvet- yes there are good reasons they share a name- and Crystal Glimmer. On Lucent’s right, uh, Scintilla, Crinklebutt- I mean Lady Crincile De Botici-
BM: Crinklebutt?
SS: Heir to the Marquessa of Botici. I love her dearly.
BM: Um, right. So after that?
SS: Cinnammon Swift and Glint Garnet.
BM: He’s your-
SS: He’s mostly Lucent’s.
BM: Ah?
SS: Oh dear boy, surely you’ve had this explained- what was that gesture? Is that a shrug? (pause) You really don’t know all this? (inaudible) point of all that education if she doesn’t use it?
BM: I knew there could be more than one male in a relationship, but-
SS: You’re uncomfortable with the idea that they’d be intimate with one another?
BM: No, actually, I just- I mean, I’ve had offers even, it’s just the way you said mostly Lucent’s. It- I don’t, um, I guess I’m still thinking in exclusive terms.
SS: Twilight was right, you are unusual. And we still haven’t started this interview yet.
BM: I tell you, I’ve been trying! I have a list of questions right here that Twilight-
SS: Oh, lists, always lists. So like her father. How about-
BM: She wanted me to ask-
SS: -we just talk a while longer? Swap stories? I mean I still know almost nothing about you and you’ve been Twilight’s for, what, six, eight months?
BM: Gads, has it been that long? Um, yeah, if it gets what Twilight wants then-
SS: Well I’ll go first! My herd you already know (pause) The start, then. I’m from Cavalbridge originally, you can probably tell by my accent.
BM: I’m not that good at Equestrian accents.
SS: Oh. Well it’s a very nice town anyway. Rather nicer than Canterlot, I dare say, though you would not believe just how expensive it can be to live there. Good University town, though.
BM: Cavalbridge University? (pause) Is it near a place called something like Oxford?
SS: Oh do you mean Hocksford? Oh, not close by, no. They’re on the opposite sides of Canter Peak, but their universities have quite the rivalry.
BM: Unbelievable.
SS: So what about you?
BM: I’m from a country called America, originally. I, um, it’s a nice place.
SS: Maria ka?
BM: America.
SS: There’s a huge island a distance out to the west called Maria- mariaca- something. Wild place, full of creatures called Llamas. I was part of an informal expedition to make contact with some of the more remote tribes but they just spat at us and ran away. You don’t have Llamas where you come from, do you?
BM: I think they’re south american. Brazil or somewhere like that?
SS: Bra- brasil. Brasssil. That sounds familiar but I can’t quite- oh, never mind. What about your family, dear?
BM: My, ah, well they’re- I- can we talk about something else? I’ve been-
SS: If you want.
BM: -meaning to ask about marriages and that, uh, that sort of thing.
SS: I see.
BM: You, uh, Rainbow told me that marriages are usually something only nobility engage in?
SS: Oh yes, they’re usually a formalisation of agreements between the great noble houses that sometimes stretch back centuries. In fact Crinkle- ah, excuse me, Lady Crincile- joined our herd for just that reason. Poor thing, she was so young and naive, she had no idea what she was in for.
BM: I think I’m starting to understand.
SS: The marriage was rather grand, though not as extravagant as my son’s marriage to that- that (inaudible) princess.
BM: Princess Cadence? I met her, she seems nice.
SS: I certainly would not hear a word said against her in my presence. She’s a wonderful mare. She just- they- they haven’t even tried courting anypony else. It’s disgraceful!
BM: They’re- what do you call it, monogamist?
SS: I would never say such a thing about my own flesh and blood!
BM: But you-
SS: Despite the fact that they’ve been married for over two years without even trying to court another mare, or without producing a foal, or even writing to explain-
BM: Lady Sparkle, this is all going in the book, you know.
SS: Oh Twilight can edit that part out- no, on second thought she can leave it in! Perhaps they’ll get the message!
BM: That seems-
SS: Why would you be so interested in marriage anyway?
BM: I- maybe we should talk about that later.
SS: Oh. Oh we shall, dear. We shall.
BM: So, ah, are you and Lucent m-married?
SS: Not in the sense that Luci and Crinkle are. We exchanged horn rings and I buy him a little present every year on the anniversary, but we aren’t- it’s not- there’s no benefit to it. We’ve been lovers for forty years. Why ruin it with politics?
BM: Sounds like you’re married to me. The horn rings-
SS: Are personal. Marriage is between families. A family might marry itself into higher status by giving one of its stallions to another, higher ranked noble or they might gain a more powerful title by marrying the sole male offspring of another house. That’s what Crincile was for.
BM: Sounds very cynical.
SS: That’s because it is. An ancient agreement between De Botici and the Smaragdvea included a clause that would allow De Botici to marry themselves up if Smaragdvea ever found they were without an heir. It’s a risky proposition.
BM: The duchess could produce an heir after the marriage and make it pointless?
SS: You catch on fast.
BM: There was a lot of that sort of thing in the past on my world. Like the Medici-
SS: Did you say Maredici?
BM: Medici. They were a powerful Italian fami-
SS: Is everything on your world a nonsensical parody of this one?
BM: I- no? What?
SS: Bitaly, Maredici, Hocksford, I expect you’ll tell me next that the Bittish Isles and Prance had a hundred year war.
BM: Actually-
SS: It doesn’t matter, I have to assume it’s all real, nopony would make up something like that and be so uncreative about it.
BM: I’m glad you-
SS: They’re two thousand miles apart! Even if they did have a hundred year-long war they’d spend most of it walking back and forth!
BM: So you were telling me about risky propositions?
SS: I was? (inaudible) yes, Crincile. The agreement stated that her offspring would become the next Duchess Smaragdvea on Luci’s death, a long time from now, Celestia willing. When the old Duchess died it was all set in stone, but it didn’t account for one slight problem.
BM: I’m going to assume that’s you.
SS: Cynic.
BM: I've had a very fast education.
SS: Actually it was Crincile’s problem. Poor thing can’t conceive. She tried, Iovi knows she tried and it was heartbreaking when she realised she’d never- it- oh dear. I’m sorry, I must have something in my eye.
BM: Are you sure you should be telling me this?
SS: Oh it’s been public knowledge for a long time. If not for the fact that I’d foaled Shiny before the marriage it would have been quite a scandal.
BM: I- oh, uh, all right then. It must have been hard for her.
SS: For all of us, yes, but it does have a bright side.
BM: It does?
SS: Since I was the first in the herd to have a filly, Twilight inherits the whole-
(door slam, hoof steps)
SS: -lot, which is just-
TS: And when were you planning on telling me this, mother?
SS: On my deathbed, which I fully expect to be occupying any day now thanks to all the stress you’ve put me through.
TS: All the stre- mom! I just found out literally moments ago that I’m supposed to be some sort of duchess! You’re hardly the one to talk about causing stress! (pause) I can't be a duchess! How could I be a duchess?
SS: You’re the eldest female offspring of a noble, what did you expect?
TS: (pause) I guess I didn’t think about it.
SS: There’s a lot of that going around. Very good job listening at the door, by the way. I didn't even realize you were there! Where did you learn to be that quiet?
TS: I think that’s none of your business.
SS: Complaints from the neighbours then. Luci always says the only way to keep me quiet is to gag me with his-
TS: Mom!
BM: Maybe I should end this here before we say something we regret.
SS: At my age I can’t afford to feel regret!
TS: Perhaps you should consider it! (pause) That’s odd.
SS: What? My age? Sweetie you know how-
TS: No, normally Lyra comes in around now.
BM: She’s out with Bon Bon for the day. Something about-
(recording ends)