On a warm night
It was a scary feeling, the sensation in her eyes was terrifying, more wet then normal, and the streams of liquid down her cheeks brought a tickle on both skin, and in her throat. These noises she couldnt help but make, they hurt the lump that resided in her throat, the...the one being tickled with tears. Yet, as much as it scared her, she couldnt stop. She TRIED she really did, but for some reason Pinkie just, just couldnt manage to make the flow of terror stop. She knew that ponies cried all the time, out of pain, but she had always been there to keep them from crying from sad.
Though, she guessed she didnt even remember why, when she was a filly this sort of thing was the only way she could fall asleep. She vividly remembered the cold wetness of the pillow every night she fell asleep, and every morning when she woke up. But, the feeling, she had long since rid herself of the feeling she was now so scared of, Sadness. Such a small word, but. ..to Pinkie it had more meaning then just feeling sad, to her, she was legitimently scared of being sad now. Because of how it felt.
BUT SHE COULDNT STOP!, she wept these tears bringing more tears, out of fright, and that reminded her, which brought more tears of sadness. In turn, bringing more tears of fright. A never ending cycle. The soft dirt underhoof was soon as wet as sand on a beach. And just as salty. And this made Pinkie even more deppressed, and she cried even harder.
It's weird, she was thinking, it is so very weird that, even small thoughts, like, over seasoning the dirt, could bring more of the terrifying liquid tickle. But. Then she remembered it was salt, and salt made plants not grow. And that ment no flowers to grow here. So she cried further. Maybe I can bring cupca-- she couldnt even finish her thought the wails became so loud. Both inside and out of her head.
Ponies began to sit by her. Trying to comfort her, but this like everything else only seemed to bring more tears. She was supposed to be the one bringing happy to the ponies, not the other way around. Maybe I can throw a thank you party later and everpo---again wails stopped her thought. She couldnt ever invite everypony ever again. Not after what happened..
from what the Pink pony could remember. And that was a lot, since such a horrifying event had never happened in all of ponyville. It was a warm night, even in horror movies, what goes wrong on a WARM night, right, right! RIGHT! Pinkie's mind trying to, almost recify that it was to good of a night for something to go that bad, but , it still did. They had all been going to Dashville, (a short vacation, and since it was almost Dashies birthday, ALMOST HER BIRTHDAY) again pinkies mind tried to rectify that it was to good of a day for this to happen, almost telling her it didnt, but, even if it had Pinkie couldnt believe it. Not due to what was before her as her mind thought through the events of the fateful night. But, it had been a good destination for Dashies party right, Dashville, RainbowDash. It all made perfect sense to the pony of par----her mind caught. She had been the one to put them on the train, it was HER fault, she knew they wouldnt blame her, but....it was her fault none the less. This brought yet more tears, and it took almost an hour before Pinkie could even think straight enough to breathe right, but, as soon as she could, her mind snapped back to that night, as it had, for days now. ..days..days. Only days..not months, or years, but a fresh scar on an innocent mind.
They had been on the Train bound there. And it was just getting to the everfree forest. The station was a few miles out of ponyville, so it had only been a few minutes on the train, but Twilight was already muzzle deep in some spell book,...it had a bold italic T on it. But, that was it. Just T. Pinkie could just go to the liberary and ask Tw--- Fluttershy was, as normal cowering in the corner of her bed on the train. Rarity was prissying herself up as per usual, but good Celestia did she look GORGEOUS that night, though, Pinkie had always had a secret crush on the Fashioniesta, so she supposed that forever in her head she would be that gorgeous, purple maned marshmallow of a pony. AJ was at the food counter helping herself to the selection of salads. She had had a green salad of letuce, spinach, and dandilion stalks, as the vivid memories recalled. Rainbow Dash had helped herself to enough Cider to knock her out...maybe thats why things turned out like they did, Pinkie thought. Pinkie had the top bunk across from Dashies, ..all the better to tease her through the night, and tell her about what was planned, it unlike her normal birthday parties, wasnt a surprise one, just a vactaion with, party components really. The train was a new model, one powered by the magic of a unicorn, instead of steam or Colt power. It was much more eco friendly they had said when it was first built, ..if only they had known the other risks
the core, it had blown just before they reached the ever free. Sending the entire train into the air. And being first class. Their cabin was in the front of the train, getting what Pinkie could only guess was the most air out of all of the pieces flying. Come to think of it, Pinkie dealing with her party cannon , normally new explosions quite well, and their cabin should have been almost destroyed simply with the blast. But it wasnt. Though if it had, things would be better. So Pinkie would forever think
When they hit. It was with Pinkie pies side of the train down onto the ground. And her memories of what happened next would forever haunt her. In slow motion the scene played out. AJ hit the ground first. Still holding a fork, the way her hoof had been thrown in the flight, caused it to be right in front of her eye when they hit. And she didnt have the reaction time it would have taken to stop it.
Then Twilight followed. Her book thrown away from her. She hit her head on the railing of her bed hard enough to draw a line of blood in the air, Again the vivid memory of the Party pony could trace out the symbol it seemed to make with her mind. A memory that, she knew she would never be rid of. But, that was not the end of the lavander unicorn. The worst came when. In her concussed state she tried to teleport out of the train. Without calculating her momentum properly she hit the ground, headfirst at a skullsmashing speed, just outside the train. And Pinkie's vice of a memory, caught the noise more then any of the din the train crash had caused itself.
Rarity, her secretly beloved Rarity had been the next victim of cruel fate. Her beautiful horn still shining to then end snaped off by the curtain rod of her bed, the blood coming from it still glowed a faint blue, as it splattered along the divider between the two beds across the trains alley. Then Rarity followed, the side of her head boucing off the wall at such an angle that Pinkie knew she, the love of her life., had the least painful end.
Poor Fluttershy, hers might have been the worst. She was slammed against a bear wall on the other side of the train, the woodpaneling dented from the force of the impact alone. The sound of the butter coloured pegasus un-breathing into the night air, was another memory that would horrify the pink pony. Though, the pegusus still writhed in pain, obviously still alive though, broken.perhaps pinkie thought. That Fluttershy had it worse then her, at least. Before what happened as she wiggled on the wall, the glass pane of her window had broken into long shards. And...
Rainbow landing on Pinkie had cut the vision short. ..had she not been the only one on that side of the train. The others would have been as find as she was, at least until RD's weight hit her, though, she didnt remember anything until the next day. Waking up in a strange bed, when she looked around she saw Dashie, crying on the bed next to her. Her wings mangled, and her mane lackluster, Pinkie was still not sure if it was because of the grey, prision like qualities of the room. Or if had been forshadowing to what would happen within the hour. Rainbow Dash and her. Tried to talk about the night before, though neither could manage to make a coherent sentence.
Until Rainbow had said what would above all else. Haunt Pinkies dreams.
“they say ill never be able to fly again, not just never able to do tricks, or fly hard, never FLY again Pink---” that was all the technicolour pony could sqeeze out, before a machine started to ring, and nurses came in.
Rainbow Dash had, a Blood Clot hit her heart, they told Pinkie, she died within 7 hours of the wreak, in one night. Only Pinkie was left. Maybe. ...it was for the best, she told herself that same day. And she tried to get out of her bed. But, only to find, that her legs, and right arm. Wouldnt budge. The doctors told Pinkie, in the same sentence that RD was gone. That when she had landed on Pinkie, she had broken the ponies spine in 2 places. Rendering her completely lame in 3 limbs. Pinkie had cried all night, not out of sadness, or fear as she was today, but out of pity, those tears had been just as scary to her as these ones, but, she got over those , so maybe, she thought, just maybe. She could get over these. As well, in time at least. She rolled her chair closer to the marker. Of her poly coloured friend.
“cross my heart, hope to fly (her voice caught on the last word) stick a cupcake in my eye, I WILL walk again, for you Dashie, I will, even if its to hug you when I get there....” and with that. She turned around, and rolled to her appointment at the Rehabilitation Center.
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No.
Sad, and you have some serious grammar and spelling issues that need to be worked out.
Geez... What was the point in even writing this? I mean, it looks like the only reason you wrote this was to depict the mane 6 (besides Pinkie) dying in a gruesome accident...
SHE'S CRYING. WE GET IT.
You need to check your spelling.
Proper nouns (like names, places, etc) get capitalized-Everfree, Ponyville, etc.
Regular nouns, unless at the beginning of a sentence, do not need capitalization (blood clot, for instance)
Spell out words. This is the second time in two days I've had to tell an AUTHOR to do this.
Capitalize the beginnings of sentences
lol. You want 'bare' here, unless you meant she slammed into a wall of big fluffy bears in which case she might have survived.
Overall: No sir, I don't like it.
~Midnight Dancer, TWE's cranky grandma
Aside from what those other two have said, here's another crap issue: Pinkie doesn't seem to think Spike counts as a friend.
What the fuck is this?! Seriously! There is no point, no plot, no conflict, not even any fucking storyline for crying out loud! Even the most basic elements of story-writing has been thrown out the window and burned to unrecognizable mulch! It doesn't even make any sense! All of this was just a fleeting fever dream of grammatical atrocities! Why did you even bother writing this?! And why can't anyone even remotely grasp the English language on the internet these days?!
*Groan*
Okay, my rant is now over. In a nutshell, I'm not so sure if you'll be getting your Cutie Mark in writing anytime soon. Seriously, just read a book, any book and just read to find out how stories are actually told.
I'll start off this review with a good point.
That line actually gave me some feels. And it is this single line that showed me that you CAN write.
The problem is...the rest of it wasn't so great. There's grammar mistakes abound, and it really kinda ruins all the emotion and tragedy you're trying to portray. Here's a pretty good example:
In the first few paragraphs such as this one, there are way too many commas and periods. It makes the sentences extremely choppy and it begins to lost its flow. After a few paragraphs of this, I found myself actually getting annoyed from the excessive punctuation. Also, when portraying someone's thoughts, you have to distinguish them from the rest of the paragraph. I'd do this by using italics
This next one is just a suggestion. Personally, I prefer to double space my paragraphs. I think it makes the story just look better. But I suppose indenting works too. If that's what you prefer, then I can look past it.
My other big problem is the trainwreck scene. How ironic, considering I'm part of a group that scouts out trainwrecks...But seriously, it sorta plays out like a scene from Final Destination: Ponyville. I dunno, something just doesn't feel right about it. It's almost as if you wrote a bloody death scene just for the sake of a bloody death scene. Having almost all the main characters die gruesomely isn't going to win you a lot of readers. Frankly, aside from the single sentence I put up at the top, this story is as messy as Fluttershy's brains splattered across the wall. It hurts, really. This could have been a tragic story of epic proportions, but in the end, it fall miles short of its mark. Sorry, but its the truth.
Anyway, thus concludes my two cents on this fic. I'll give ya some props for making me feel (just a tiny bit). Just ease up on the the commas, fix up some punctuation, and perhaps add some more emotion. Or you know, try reading a book. That usually helps.
~Schlippy
TWE Reviewer, Derpy Trainwreck Trash Pail Person
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I really think this was just a troll fic...because you honestly had no reason for this to happen at all. I see this as a troll fic and nothing else. Well, i could see it as something that shouldn't exist, but over all, just a troll fic.
[sarcasm]Best...trollfic...ever...[/sarcasm]
ACTIVATING TRANSLATION BOT
BOOP WOOP DOOP
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I figure it will only be a matter of time before my associates from TWE come and give this story the critical fucking it needs. Guess I'll be ahead of the pack.
Okay, so let me begin to read...
Well, I had trouble reading it. That HUGE WALL OF TEXT was blocking my view of the story.
Even if the wall of text wasn't there, the grammar was poor. Not to mention, this story had absolutely no buildup or plot. It was almost as if you wrote this story just to convey the mane 6 getting brutally killed. If that's the case, then you shouldn't write. Ever. There's a reason they didn't stop making Saving Private Ryan after the first gruesome scene.
Seriously, the last thing I needed to read was Rarity's horn getting snapped off and spraying blood all over the place.
My advice: Trash it. Then get a proof reader, and try to make the story interesting, or at least suspenseful. And break down that Goddamn wall of text, for Christ's sake.
~Inspectah Dash, TWE's resident snarky asshole and Steven Spielberg nerd.
Good plot but writing needs improvement
haha yes my grammar and spelling suck, and I honestly thought the plot was acceptable, though apperently not and I apologize for my terrible authoring, but really this wasnt ment to be offensive to the eyes, or even to cause this much hate, honestly , not even meant for people besides my 2 previous watchers who i consider friends. due to the fact i KNOW already i cant write, i mean really, look at my other story, just as bad guys. just. as .bad, if not worse
so thank you all for the feedback, constructive or not, it wont discourage me from writing other abominations at 4 am with a bout of depression. normally I would have had a friend review it prior to posting, since it WAS 4am, and I felt like writing at the time, to surprise said friend i decided against waiting to post it.
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I think this picture is a bit late:
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