Pinkie pie and friends are going to Dashville Trotensse for Dashies birthday. and all is well until a prototype train they are on crashes close to ponyville,
with all her friends gone should Pinkie make anymore promises to them, and if she does, how will she keep them?
Page generated in 0.065 seconds
Total duration
1,057 users online
1,687,012 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
No.
Sad, and you have some serious grammar and spelling issues that need to be worked out.
Geez... What was the point in even writing this? I mean, it looks like the only reason you wrote this was to depict the mane 6 (besides Pinkie) dying in a gruesome accident...
SHE'S CRYING. WE GET IT.
You need to check your spelling.
Proper nouns (like names, places, etc) get capitalized-Everfree, Ponyville, etc.
Regular nouns, unless at the beginning of a sentence, do not need capitalization (blood clot, for instance)
Spell out words. This is the second time in two days I've had to tell an AUTHOR to do this.
Capitalize the beginnings of sentences
lol. You want 'bare' here, unless you meant she slammed into a wall of big fluffy bears in which case she might have survived.
Overall: No sir, I don't like it.
~Midnight Dancer, TWE's cranky grandma
Aside from what those other two have said, here's another crap issue: Pinkie doesn't seem to think Spike counts as a friend.
What the fuck is this?! Seriously! There is no point, no plot, no conflict, not even any fucking storyline for crying out loud! Even the most basic elements of story-writing has been thrown out the window and burned to unrecognizable mulch! It doesn't even make any sense! All of this was just a fleeting fever dream of grammatical atrocities! Why did you even bother writing this?! And why can't anyone even remotely grasp the English language on the internet these days?!
*Groan*
Okay, my rant is now over. In a nutshell, I'm not so sure if you'll be getting your Cutie Mark in writing anytime soon. Seriously, just read a book, any book and just read to find out how stories are actually told.
I'll start off this review with a good point.
That line actually gave me some feels. And it is this single line that showed me that you CAN write.
The problem is...the rest of it wasn't so great. There's grammar mistakes abound, and it really kinda ruins all the emotion and tragedy you're trying to portray. Here's a pretty good example:
In the first few paragraphs such as this one, there are way too many commas and periods. It makes the sentences extremely choppy and it begins to lost its flow. After a few paragraphs of this, I found myself actually getting annoyed from the excessive punctuation. Also, when portraying someone's thoughts, you have to distinguish them from the rest of the paragraph. I'd do this by using italics
This next one is just a suggestion. Personally, I prefer to double space my paragraphs. I think it makes the story just look better. But I suppose indenting works too. If that's what you prefer, then I can look past it.
My other big problem is the trainwreck scene. How ironic, considering I'm part of a group that scouts out trainwrecks...But seriously, it sorta plays out like a scene from Final Destination: Ponyville. I dunno, something just doesn't feel right about it. It's almost as if you wrote a bloody death scene just for the sake of a bloody death scene. Having almost all the main characters die gruesomely isn't going to win you a lot of readers. Frankly, aside from the single sentence I put up at the top, this story is as messy as Fluttershy's brains splattered across the wall. It hurts, really. This could have been a tragic story of epic proportions, but in the end, it fall miles short of its mark. Sorry, but its the truth.
Anyway, thus concludes my two cents on this fic. I'll give ya some props for making me feel (just a tiny bit). Just ease up on the the commas, fix up some punctuation, and perhaps add some more emotion. Or you know, try reading a book. That usually helps.
~Schlippy
TWE Reviewer, Derpy Trainwreck Trash Pail Person
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mancpqvuQP1royjuo.gif
I really think this was just a troll fic...because you honestly had no reason for this to happen at all. I see this as a troll fic and nothing else. Well, i could see it as something that shouldn't exist, but over all, just a troll fic.
[sarcasm]Best...trollfic...ever...[/sarcasm]
ACTIVATING TRANSLATION BOT
BOOP WOOP DOOP
Original Text:
Revised Text
1.0
I figure it will only be a matter of time before my associates from TWE come and give this story the critical fucking it needs. Guess I'll be ahead of the pack.
Okay, so let me begin to read...
Well, I had trouble reading it. That HUGE WALL OF TEXT was blocking my view of the story.
Even if the wall of text wasn't there, the grammar was poor. Not to mention, this story had absolutely no buildup or plot. It was almost as if you wrote this story just to convey the mane 6 getting brutally killed. If that's the case, then you shouldn't write. Ever. There's a reason they didn't stop making Saving Private Ryan after the first gruesome scene.
Seriously, the last thing I needed to read was Rarity's horn getting snapped off and spraying blood all over the place.
My advice: Trash it. Then get a proof reader, and try to make the story interesting, or at least suspenseful. And break down that Goddamn wall of text, for Christ's sake.
~Inspectah Dash, TWE's resident snarky asshole and Steven Spielberg nerd.
Good plot but writing needs improvement
haha yes my grammar and spelling suck, and I honestly thought the plot was acceptable, though apperently not and I apologize for my terrible authoring, but really this wasnt ment to be offensive to the eyes, or even to cause this much hate, honestly , not even meant for people besides my 2 previous watchers who i consider friends. due to the fact i KNOW already i cant write, i mean really, look at my other story, just as bad guys. just. as .bad, if not worse
so thank you all for the feedback, constructive or not, it wont discourage me from writing other abominations at 4 am with a bout of depression. normally I would have had a friend review it prior to posting, since it WAS 4am, and I felt like writing at the time, to surprise said friend i decided against waiting to post it.
1442013>>1440791>>1440169>>1439916>>1440145
I think this picture is a bit late:
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22879360.jpg