This has nothing to do with the cartoon Bluey.
Pinkie Pie is the silliest, goofiest pony in all of Ponyville. Maybe even Equestria. But everypony gets sad sometimes. But Pinkie Pie becomes so sad, her hair deflates. Then she starts turning gray, and when she’s even sadder than that, she starts turning blue.
After Pinkie Pie ends up annoying her friends, she no longer feels appreciated and wanted. So she runs somewhere far, far away. She arrives at Doom-and-Gloomsville, a town without any laughter or joy, where she meets Lavender Snow, a gloomy pony. (She is the pony form of my OC Yuki Aizaki.)
Through cheering up Lavender, will Pinkie realize how wonderful smiles and laughter can be again?
Chapters (3)
The positive:
This feels largely like it could have been an episode in the series. You got the character's personalities pretty well down. Additionally, this reads a bit like a fairy tale. Perhaps because of the third person tense.
Grammar and spelling are really done well. I wasn't looking at this too closely, but from what I see, this is pretty free of error.
The negative:
As in the other comment, show not tell. I think the monsters are a good example of this. I understood they had wings and were shadowy, but I didn't even know they were birds until Rainbowdash started tricking them. I could have guessed, but you never know with fantasy.
Also, while I do think you got the characters down well, there are moments that don't quite seem right, (namely how sharply Fluttershy reacts to Pinkie).
All in all:
I want to point out that your story is really solid. The plot and theme are really well put together and consistent. You have your theme and beginning, middle, end; all perfect. The story part is really good; it's the writing and style that needs work. And I won't sugar coat: that part needs a lot of work. But if you keep at it, you will improve.
11861931
Thanks for the review and the constructive criticism!
I do suck at monsters, actions and fights. I almost purposefully left that part a bit threadbare because I am aware how much I suck at those. But I have already brainstormed some ideas how to make that part better and more enjoyable.
I actually did feel a bit wrong writing how Fluttershy got full-blown angry at Pinkie. But I kept telling to myself, even though she is a gentle and timid pony, she still does have her moments in the show. And she cares deeply about her animals as well, which I felt was enough justification for her to act that way. Then again, I haven’t really watched many episodes of MLP:FiM. ;; I plan to remedy that very soon lol.
Overall, I feel you’re right about the lacking description part. I could’ve maybe had this story sit around longer before I started to publish it, and to gradually edit and build up more. I was just so eager to share it I guess.
I’m still glad you enjoyed the story despite its flaws.
I also have a sequel of this story in the works, intended to flesh out the two OC ponies I have introduced in this work a bit more. I could also come back and edit this a bit more too.