This story is a sequel to Bluey Pie
The cover art of Pastell Swirl was made with Pony Town.
After Pinkie’s adventure of an ordeal in Bluey Pie, everything is cozy again. Some days are filled with so much joy and friendship that they become days to look back on fondly for the rest of your lives. This story is about one such day.
The Mane 6 have fun and hang out with lots of friends, including G3 ponies, Coconut Cream, and Citrus Sweetheart.
The personalities of the two OC ponies from Bluey Pie (Lavender Snow, and Nocturne) are fleshed out more as well.
This story is part of a universe where G3 and OC ponies are added to the cast of MLP:FiM. Another story of mine, Double Rainbow, takes place in this universe as well.
Not much of a plot here, but there is an emotional moment near the end, and fluffiness scattered throughout.
My shameless Mary-Sue self-insert ponysona, Pastell Swirl, appears in this story.
Even the CMC and a rambunctious new filly OC make an appearance!
This story is also planned on having a sequel of its own as well, which will be a lot more serious in nature, dealing with Nocturne’s plight and a dark curse of negativity.
The Positive-
Once again, grammar and spelling are impeccable.
Also, you’re right about being hard on yourself. I’d say this is a pretty big improvement on Bluey Pie, at least in terms of style.
I also maintain that your ideas are really good and well developed; it’s just a matter of getting them out more effectively.
Things for improvement-
(first of all, realize I’m trying to go really in-depth to be supportive. My English teacher used to say that more purple scribbles on our essays were a good thing when she handled them back to us.)
Author’s notes- almost all of this would be better if it was in the actual story. You seem to feel the need to exposition or describe things up front that don’t need to me. I think of it as spoon feeding the reader. It’s better to let them figure things out themselves by giving them subtle hints. Of course, it’s possible to go too far in the opposite direction, which I do sometimes.
“Even the moodier Twilight Sparkle was laughing heartily, and energetic Rainbow Dash was even pounding the table.”
I like this line. Maybe ‘energetic’ is redundant because you’re showing that Rainbow is energetic with her actions, but other than that, I like it.
“Pinkie Pie and her friends were just hanging out in a newly-renovated Sugarcube Corner one warm day in late March.”
I like the subtly of mentioning Sugarcane corner being renovated; but this…
“Her jokes and quips kept coming as naturally as ever.”
I realize that you need to get the ball rolling, and I can see a lot of authors using this line, but it feels like it comes too quickly. It’s a case of show not tell, but a weird case because the line still works as a transition.
“The jukebox in the corner was on, playing one of the ponies’ favorite tunes as they snacked leisurely on sweet tea and cake.”
I want to know what kind of songs, and whose favorite it was. Show not tell.
“Oh, isn’t he so adorable, Citrus?” Coconut gushed as she cuddled the small dragon. “I love baby ANYTHING, and I never expected dragons to have the cutest babies of them all! Rawr…”
Citrus smiled sweetly…
“Hey! I’m not a baby!” Spike protested. “Well… not entirely! But I AM cute, I guess.”
“Aww…” Coconut smiled wide.
“This is so precious.” Citrus mentioned with a grin. “I’m hanging out with the two most adorable critters in Equestria!”
“I’m not a critter!” Coconut giggled.
“You’re so sweet though, sugar!” Citrus began covering her girlfriend in tender nuzzles of affection. Coconut melted in her tender embrace.”
This is a long, gigantic quote, but I wanted to say I really liked this entire bit. Coconut is immediately likable, Spike’s in character, and we immediately understand Citrus and Coconut’s relationship by their interaction.
However, the immediate above paragraph:
“Coconut Cream, a pale-colored Earth pony with a tricolor mane and long blunt bangs, was cooing at Spike, the baby dragon. Similar to Fluttershy a long time ago, Coconut was rather reticent and sheepish right up until she first laid her rose-colored eyes on the friendly, bright-eyed young beast.”
…is almost completely unnecessary. It does clarify Coconut as an earth pony and and describe her mane, but all of this could be squeezed into lines below. Then we also have the paragraph I took out:
“…Citrus Sweetheart was an Earth pony, and Coconut Cream’s outgoing girlfriend who understood her quite well. Her fur was white and her short, spiky mane was orange and yellow like colors of the sun. Her cutie mark was a vibrant orange citrus fruit, while Coconut’s was a coconut cream pie.”
If you notice, this paragraph isn’t necessary to understand that Coconut and Citrus and girlfriends (marefriends, I think?), or at least, quite affectionate.
Of course, you still need to put in the physical descriptions somewhere. So, a little example:
“Oh, isn’t he so adorable, Citrus?” Coconut gushed as she cuddled the small dragon with her pale legs. “I love baby ANYTHING, and I never expected dragons to have the cutest babies of them all! Rawr…”
OR
“Oh, isn’t he so adorable, Citrus?” Coconut gushed as she cuddled the small dragon; her rose eyes sparkling with adoration. “I love baby ANYTHING, and I never expected dragons to have the cutest babies of them all! Rawr…”
“Back in the bitter biting blustery cold of February…”
I am a fan of alliterations, and so I quite love this.
“…Pinkie Pie went on quite the adventure. Thinking that her best friends no longer appreciated her, she turned very blue (literally) and ran far, far away. She arrived at the desolate and bleak land of Doom-and-Gloomsville, where nopony ever smiled, and fun was illegal. Upon befriending a gloomy pony named Lavender Snow who sought to be happier, the two became close.
Pinkie Pie rediscovered her usual happiness to cheer up Lavender, and through an eventful parade, even brought joy to the entire town of Doom-and-Gloomsville, which had been renamed Smiles Peak.”
However, this is an example of exposition that I don’t think is really necessary for this story. Readers can figure out well enough the background from this:
““Yippeeeee! OMG, Lavender’s here! She finally came to visit!” Pinkie gasped and shot from her seat like a rocket.
The buoyant pink pony sprung up and bounced and pranced her way to the door and practically pounced her way onto the lankier lavender pony…”
Which is a great set of lines. I really like it. Realize a lot of writers have problems with exposition.
“…with the flowing snow-white mane.”
This, however, feels awkward. I realize you’re trying to let the reader know a fairly important physical detail, and sometimes fitting those in well can be complicated. I personally would bring up the mane with an action; something like, “Lavender brushed her flowing snow-white mane, which had gotten disheveled from Pinkie Pie’s attack, out of her face.”
“…Which by the way is how we bring Springtime to Ponyville and I know Smiles Peak is pretty cold so I wonder if YOU guys do Winter Wrap-Up too or is it just always cold but NOW you’re allowed to be happy…”
I would switch this with Doom-and-Gloomsville, thereby giving Lavender a change to explain the new name.
“Yeah. Get a room, you two.” Rainbow Dash rolled her garnet eyes. Applejack sighed at Rainbow.”
This has nothing to do with grammar or style, and is just a little spoilery comment: The irony. Oh, the irony. Actually, I like this overall line. Good description with the eyes.
“That was quick.”
A lampshade, ha! It’s good. But who said it?
“Aw, well, I think you’re doing great.” Pinkie poignantly reassured, switching her tone to be more sincere. “I really do. I know firsthand that smiling can be a little hard sometimes. That’s why I try to do it all the time, in order to help other ponies be happy too!”
I like this.
“…I just don’t have much confidence in myself…”
Something’s off about this line. I think because rather than saying she has low confidence, it might be better if she said something like, “I just don’t think I’m that good of a mayor…” It might be a combination of show not tell and less is more.
“Oh, I believe I may have um, a suggestion.” Came another quieter voice. Coconut Cream, the pale-colored pony, was prancing up to the group, with Spike on her back and Citrus following closely.
“Um…” The sheepish pony spoke. “My girlfriend Citrus here usually takes me to karaoke when I’m feeling a bit… shy. And well, it really helps! I was even able to come up and talk to you guys!”
This is a great opportunity to fit in more physically description that maybe didn’t fit in before, which you do by describing Coconut as pale. There’s something off about the way how Coconut brings up Citrus. Partly because the first two words can be cut out and the sentence still makes sense. Partly because we can already understand their relationship from their actions.
“Pinkie was touchy-feely with everyone.”
Show not tell. (if you hate those three words by now, I don’t blame you)
“Pinkie pressed down on a super-special secret switch which was hidden behind a gumball machine. A large disco ball descended from the ceiling like a full moon and began to spin, filling the establishment with glittering light.”
This is great. More description would make it greater!
“Then the unthinkable happened as the song began to blare.”
I don’t like this line.
“The timid, sheepish Coconut Cream? That pony was gone. As if some crazy changeling had replaced her… or something had possessed her! Her eyes changed as well, and even her very aura gave way to somepony different. Nopony expected what was to come.”
I do like this line. It can be tweaked to fit better while removing the previous sentence.
“Rarity trotted to the jukebox, her fanciful curls bouncing gracefully as she skipped.”
Great!
“When the song started, it was a dramatic enka ballad about losing one’s love. The style of the song was traditional Japanese, yet the lyrics were English. Rarity’s over-the-top anguished expressions, overuse of vibrato, along with her expressive tones, made it very theatrical and dramatic.”
The details are great here, but the style is clunky.
“And for the record, I ain’t cryin’ either.”
Another spoiler comment I just to make that has nothing to do with grammar/style: More irony. Ah, the one episode of MLP that made me cry!
“Applejack waited to wipe the gentle mist from her eyes when she was sure nopony was looking.
The next pony selected to sing was Lavender Snow, who sighed and shivered nervously like a leaf in cold wind when she was selected.
“Alright! I can do this!” She muttered under her breath.
Her lanky knees wobbled with nerves as she inched towards the jukebox and selected the song. Unexpectedly, it started playing a bubbly pop song, unlike a sadder tune one would expect her to listen to. It also happened to be a duet. Lavender began smiling awkwardly.
“Ooh, I love this song!” Pinkie cheered.”
This is all REALLY good. I can feel Lavender’s hesitation.
“Next, Applejack cheerfully sang an old country folk tune from her childhood, which she was surprised was even available on Sugarcube Corner’s jukebox. Something about the melody and honest performance was warm and nostalgic, even for the ponies who didn’t grow up on the farm.”
Even though this could be described with more detail and action, it works here. You really well describe what’s going on so we can connect to it and understand perfectly.
I hope you don't mind if I bookmark here. Going through things with a comb like this takes time. But I find this story enjoyable (And I particularly like Coconut!).