Prologue
Scootaloo was sat atop a hill, where she looked down on the small sleeping town with both sadness and anger. Her friends had betrayed her and her sister had abandoned her months ago to fly with the Wonderbolts.
She had enough, if her friends wanted to hang around with Diamond Tiara, showing off their new cutie marks, then so be it but she was not staying in town, no longer.
With that final thought, she turned on her scooter and started heading down the path that led out of town. She didn't know where she was going nor did she care, she just wanted to put as much space as possible between her and her former home.
She didn't know how long she had been travelling for but the first rays of sunlight started to hit her face, making her realise, how tired she actually was. Spotting a small group of bushes at the side of the road, she made her way towards them and decided that it would make a perfect place to have a quick nap.
Going behind the bushes, she pulled a sleeping bag out of her saddlebags and lay down, making sure to keep herself hidden from view of potential travellers that may be using the path. She gave one final yawn and slowly drifted off to sleep.
***
Scootaloo walked into school, with a smile on her face, that was until she noticed Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Scootaloo’s eyes narrowed in confusion as she realized that they were talking to Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom as if they were long-time friends.
Silver Spoon nudged Diamond Tiara and pointed in her direction. Upon seeing Scootaloo, Diamond’s face split into a sinister grin.
“Hey Scootaloser, how does it feel to be the last pony in class to still not have their cutie mark!” she shouted.
Scootaloo wasn't in the mood to be hearing Diamond Tiara’s quips, rolling her eyes, Scootaloo snapped, What are you talking about?”
She gave a fake look of shock as she said in a mocking tone, “You haven't heard, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle why don't you show her.”
Both Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked at each other uncomfortably before revealing their flanks. Scootaloo gasped as both of them had gotten their cutie marks. Sweetie Belle’s cutie mark was a musical note positioned in front of a light pink love heart, while Apple Bloom’s was a wooden mallet hammering down on an apple.
Now Scootaloo knew why they were suddenly hanging out with Diamond Tiara, “So you gained your cutie marks and now you're hanging out with Diamond Tiara!” Scootaloo shouted at her two friends in an accusing voice.
Both Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom looked away guiltily. Diamond Tiara whispered harshly into their ears, “Remember our deal, do it now.”
Nodding Apple Bloom pulled out a bag that contained Winona’s poo, before opening it up she mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ to Scootaloo and then she threw the contents right at her face. Scootaloo watched in stunned disbelief as she watched her so-called friends howl with laughter. Diamond then nudged Sweetie Belle, who then shouted, “Hey look at Scootapoo, she’s gonna cry like a baby.”
Scootaloo turned tail and ran as far away as she could. Her former friend's laughter continued to reverberate around her head.
***
Scootaloo snapped awake in pain as she felt something stomping on her wings. Looking up she was surprised to see a group of griffons staring down at her.
“Look at what we have here.” one of the griffons exclaimed sinisterly.
Another said “She’ll make a fine addition. Make us a lot of money.”
Scootaloo tried backing away but one of them dragged her by her mane before flipping her into her belly. “Where do you think you're going?” he said, grabbing her hooves and tying them behind her back with a piece of long rope, he then repeated the process with her legs before pulling them up and linking them up with her hooves, successfully hogtying her.
Scootaloo screamed “HEEEEMMMPH!” but was cut off as one of them placed a black muzzle over her mouth, silencing her. They then shoved her into a large sack, all the while Scootaloo kept on thrashing and letting loose a torrent of muffled screams.
***
After what seemed like hours, her captors opened the sack and literally emptied her onto the ground. Looking around she noticed that they were in some kind of quarry, all around her were ponies and foals chained to each other and forced to pickaxe at the walls all the while they were being whipped and beaten.
A griffon, who was wearing a top hat walked over to her and told her, “Hello slave, welcome to your new home. Escape is futile so don't even try. Your new mission in life is to find the most valuable ores and gems. If you don't follow orders then I assure you the consequences will be severe.”
One of the griffons then released her from her bindings and led her towards the other slaves, however before they could chain her to the other slaves, she quickly turned and punched the gryphon, who released a howl of both pain and rage. Taking the chance, she quickly ran for it, however, she didn't make it very far as a griffon quickly caught up with her.
The top hat griffon stuttered “tut tut tut, EVERYSLAVE, stop what you are doing and watch!”
A griffon pulled a slanted wooded board that was curved and sat atop wooden legs. The Griffon then forced Scootaloo to lean down over the curved boards before tying her hooves to the legs. He then proceeded to blindfold her.
“Let this be a reminder of what happens to disobedient little slaves!” he shouted before pulling out a lone whip, lined with spikes. Scootaloo, who was unable to see what was going on whimpered in fear before screaming in agony as the sadistic griffon whipped her repeatedly, turning her orange back into a hunk of bloody, scarred flesh. The griffon stopped his torture once Scootaloo’s screams had died down to fearfully quivering.
She whispered, “Please stop, I’m begging you.”
The griffon then released her from the whipping station before dragging her to a set of gallows, Scootaloo was in too much pain to fight back as he placed her front hooves inside of the noose. He then pulled the lever and her hooves were nearly dislocated from the drop.
“You will hang here until tomorrow as punishment, next time you try a stunt like this, it will be your neck that will be inside of the noose.” he threatened.
The slaves went back to work, not bothered about the fact that a little filly had just been tortured right in front of their eyes. Scootaloo groaned in pain as the scorching hot sun beamed down on her, causing her to sun burn. She tried to call for help but everypony ignored her.
The worst part was when the vultures started attacking, attracted by the blood that soaked her sore back. Their beaks and claws tearing into her flesh as she was unable to fend for herself. Eventually, they left her alone as day turned to night, with the sun gone, the temperature plummeted, causing Scootaloo to shiver, her stretched hooves ached from the hanging.
She silently prayed for somepony to come and rescue her as tears slipped down her cheeks.
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Oh no, Dark Side Scootaloo is going to turn into a Cozy Glow-copycat.
Eh, not exactly to my tastes. there is potential but it seems to be a forcing too much too quickly.
If I were to tackle the betrayal, I think making it less superficial (blackmail) would give it more weight, Scoot can't maintain her anger that long at her friends if she already knows it's something they were forced to do. Knowing that would likely funnel any bitterness directly at Diamond, which while it would make for a good dark revenge story probably doesn't work well for a cornerstone of a future evil empress. Between that and having it hit too quickly it seems like the story is too eager to break her down before building her back up as a villain.
That and it misses out on really playing into her existing insecurities:
On their own, none of these would really be enough to turn her full villain, but they are great supplemental assets that shouldn't be left unconsidered.
Below is me rambling on my take of a story like this, it's not directed at you, nor a recommendation. I just get carried away with brainstorming in general, and I'd never be able to come up with it without your initial premise.
If I were to break Scootaloo, I'd definitely mimic your first step: taking away Rainbow in a flashback, but I'd stagger the rest of her past with present-day griffon slave scenes to juxtapose tragic "might-have-beans" with harsh reality.
Basically, each time she is forced into a hard choice in her new survival-focused life, she probably would be reminded of one of her less-than-happy memories that lead to her running away, each bad flashback further pushing her to abandon her equinity that leaves behind a husk waiting for a new foundation to build upon in the present, while also explaining why she left everything behind in the past, with whatever the final memory is being the "one last straw" to force her to give up her old life and run.
The new foundation she settles with could be a new character, an extreme mindset, or some sort of system or group of people she unintentionally becomes associated with that she rebuilds herself in opposition to Equestria.
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If anything she'd end up the opposite, Cozy manipulates her way into being "friends" to get what she wants, this story looks like Scoots would be more direct (and violent considering the tone of this story) and abandon friendship both as an idea as well as a tool.
Aside from them being Pegasi, I don't see much in the way of similarity, for one thing Cozy can actually fly.
Well that was fucked can't wait to see what's next
Nice picture you got there
I must question the use of foals for pickaxe work, given they'd barely be able to hold the things (surely mostly teens would work better), as well as a second offense meaning immediate execution (really counterproductive with how difficult it is to acquire slaves, whippings for even up to the third offense in a short time is more the norm historically). As well, it's minor, but I would expect more whippings on the rump for ponies, both because it's very accessible, and because the CM is on the hip (a lash on the CM would be degrading the pony's identity).
But perhaps more to the point of the story, it feels like a bit more needed to happen in the prolog to justify Scootaloo's impending rise to villainy. I just don't see how being enslaved can lead to her being empress, it actually puts her further from being in charge of anything and powerful than she was at the start. I'm sure of course that this is mostly just a "why Scootaloo wants revenge" thing, but one problem there is it makes the griffons her enemy more than ponies... Basically, I feel like the next 500-1000 words or so to come in the next chapter (wherein we presumably will get Scootaloo's reason to become an empress) will probably be more belonging here in this chapter.
By the way "forget who old life" should probably be "forget her old life" in the description.
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There aren't just foal slaves there are also older mares and stallions. Her enslavement isn't the only factor to her becoming evil, other factors is the way her friends treated her, and there will also be an outside influence in the upcoming chapters.
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Damn, that's cold! 🥶
But sadly true.
....
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I do hope your right on that.