Empress Shadow Wing

The Scooter Club4 stories ·4 members

When Scootaloo feels like an outcast, she turns to the dark side. She decides to leave Equestria and form her own Empire. Wanting to forget her old life she drops the name: Scootaloo and becomes Empress Shadow Wing

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OP Omni God-Emperor Doom

OP Omni God-Emperor Doom #1 · February 12th · 1 · 1 · Prologue ·

Oh no, Dark Side Scootaloo is going to turn into a Cozy Glow-copycat.

Box-Corner

Box-Corner #2 · February 12th · 2 · · Prologue ·

Eh, not exactly to my tastes. there is potential but it seems to be a forcing too much too quickly.

If I were to tackle the betrayal, I think making it less superficial (blackmail) would give it more weight, Scoot can't maintain her anger that long at her friends if she already knows it's something they were forced to do. Knowing that would likely funnel any bitterness directly at Diamond, which while it would make for a good dark revenge story probably doesn't work well for a cornerstone of a future evil empress. Between that and having it hit too quickly it seems like the story is too eager to break her down before building her back up as a villain.

That and it misses out on really playing into her existing insecurities:

Her trying to emulate her role model (rainbow) to hold up a flimsy mask, if she's popular like rainbow she'll have friends right? With some well-timed pivotal moments this could lead to overreliance on masks to compensate for confidence (this could double for giving her a new, less noble roll model to corrupt her with in the future, as well as mask of a villainous "tough" act to use as an emotional/social defense mechanism)
Her struggles with flight, a Pegasus birthright that she can't even claim to be her own. (she could easily be a mini-Tempest shadow if she wanted to be)
Her distant parents that couldn't abandon their work and gave Scoots to her aunts, who, while being caring adults won't change the fact that their role in scoot's life could lead her to assume that she isn't seen as the top priority to her own mother and father (this lack of validation could play into a desire to prove herself dominant over others so she isn't ignored or considered insignificant).

On their own, none of these would really be enough to turn her full villain, but they are great supplemental assets that shouldn't be left unconsidered.

Below is me rambling on my take of a story like this, it's not directed at you, nor a recommendation. I just get carried away with brainstorming in general, and I'd never be able to come up with it without your initial premise.

If I were to break Scootaloo, I'd definitely mimic your first step: taking away Rainbow in a flashback, but I'd stagger the rest of her past with present-day griffon slave scenes to juxtapose tragic "might-have-beans" with harsh reality.

Basically, each time she is forced into a hard choice in her new survival-focused life, she probably would be reminded of one of her less-than-happy memories that lead to her running away, each bad flashback further pushing her to abandon her equinity that leaves behind a husk waiting for a new foundation to build upon in the present, while also explaining why she left everything behind in the past, with whatever the final memory is being the "one last straw" to force her to give up her old life and run.

The new foundation she settles with could be a new character, an extreme mindset, or some sort of system or group of people she unintentionally becomes associated with that she rebuilds herself in opposition to Equestria.

Box-Corner

Box-Corner #3 · February 12th · 2 · · Prologue ·

11822292
If anything she'd end up the opposite, Cozy manipulates her way into being "friends" to get what she wants, this story looks like Scoots would be more direct (and violent considering the tone of this story) and abandon friendship both as an idea as well as a tool.

Aside from them being Pegasi, I don't see much in the way of similarity, for one thing Cozy can actually fly.

iconicgg

iconicgg #4 · February 12th · 2 · · Prologue ·

Well that was fucked can't wait to see what's next

Rametep

Rametep #5 · February 12th · 1 · · Prologue ·

Nice picture you got there

Nebbie

Nebbie #6 · February 12th · 1 · · Prologue ·

I must question the use of foals for pickaxe work, given they'd barely be able to hold the things (surely mostly teens would work better), as well as a second offense meaning immediate execution (really counterproductive with how difficult it is to acquire slaves, whippings for even up to the third offense in a short time is more the norm historically). As well, it's minor, but I would expect more whippings on the rump for ponies, both because it's very accessible, and because the CM is on the hip (a lash on the CM would be degrading the pony's identity).
But perhaps more to the point of the story, it feels like a bit more needed to happen in the prolog to justify Scootaloo's impending rise to villainy. I just don't see how being enslaved can lead to her being empress, it actually puts her further from being in charge of anything and powerful than she was at the start. I'm sure of course that this is mostly just a "why Scootaloo wants revenge" thing, but one problem there is it makes the griffons her enemy more than ponies... Basically, I feel like the next 500-1000 words or so to come in the next chapter (wherein we presumably will get Scootaloo's reason to become an empress) will probably be more belonging here in this chapter.

By the way "forget who old life" should probably be "forget her old life" in the description.

Scootafan

Scootafan #7 · February 12th · · · Prologue ·

11822883
There aren't just foal slaves there are also older mares and stallions. Her enslavement isn't the only factor to her becoming evil, other factors is the way her friends treated her, and there will also be an outside influence in the upcoming chapters.

OP Omni God-Emperor Doom