The filly in the basement.

Stormy Cloud lived in Ponyville with his parents. On the surface they seemed like a happy family but behind closed doors was a dark secret.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 4 )

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Artist

Artist #1 · January 8th · · · Chapter 1 ·

There are some really bad grammar mistakes in here and it makes no sense to the story whatsoever.

Clearly, you have never written a description, what do the characters look like?

You of all people do not give us anything to work with, we, as the readers of this story, do not know what the characters look like, it’s your job to describe what they look like, you have not done a very good job of it.

Sorry I’m being so harsh, but it needs to be said, I’m not saying this story is bad I’m just saying it needs work, and I mean a lot.

Mockingbirb

Mockingbirb #2 · January 9th · 3 · · Chapter 1 ·

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Stormy walked down into the basement, holding the bucket of gruel, which smelt horrible. He wanted to get this over and done with. He was terrified of the basement. To make matters worse, he had to walk through the basement by memory, this was because the lights had to be kept off at all times, why? Stormy didn’t know.

Clearly, you have never written a description, what do the characters look like?

You don't know what the characters look like, because they are in the dark.
(Also, later on you'll find out most of them are in the Witness Protection Program.)

Mockingbirb

Mockingbirb #3 · January 9th · 3 · · Chapter 1 ·

“Maybe this will teach you to be more careful around her” he scolded before shutting the flashlight of, plunging the basement into complete darkness. To his horror his father left the basement slamming the door shut.
Secret’s eyes glowed like beacons as they stared at him curiously. She then began to stumble towards him as Stormy flattened himself against the bars. He clenched his eyes shut in terror, silently wishing for somepony to rescue him from this living nightmare.
Stormy felt the filly’s horrible breath against his face as she stood right in front of him. He froze as he felt her put her hoof on his chin and forced him to point his head in her direction, however he kept his eyes firmly shut. “Open your eyes.” She whispered.
Using her other hoof, she forced his eyelids open. She watched his blue eyes turn to pinpricks in fear. “You have beautiful eyes” she said before letting go of his chin and walking back to the other side of the cage.

In complete darkness, how are these ponies seeing things like Stormy's blue eyes turning into pinpricks?
I guess I disagree with "Artist." A. says you have too little description, and I think you have slightly too much here, of a pony seeing what I don't think she can see in that dark?

Also, is it true that in Cloudsdale a house's 'basement' is just another word for 'falling out of the bottom of the cloud'?
Spoiler: Stormy died the first time he went down into the basement, and everything since then has been parts of the afterlife.

Catmastermv