We need to turn Discord back to stone!

by JeSuisLaPorte

I won't stand for it!

Another beautiful day in Equestria, the world was saved once again by the main 6. No more monsters to pester them, no more evil fillies trying to steal all magic. It was good.

Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath, relishing in the peacefulness of Ponyville. It’s good to take a break from the whole “saving the world” thing. There was just something that’s been bugging her for a few days. Where was Anon? He went missing mere hours after Cozy Glow was banished to Tartarus and hasn’t been seen ever since.

Then, leaves blew past her. Rainbow Dash descended from the sky with a worried look in her eyes. “Hey, Twilight.”

“Hey, Dash. Do you need something?”

The blue pegasus looked around. “Well, I only wanted to know if you saw Anon. I’ve been searching for him all day but, I think he’s gone.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Maybe he just left Ponyville and forgot to tell us where he was going.”

“I don’t think so. He seems fairly obsessed with us.”

Twilight and Rainbow Dash heard a voice in the distance call out to them. It was Pinkie Pie, accompanied by the rest of their friends. It would appear all of them were looking for Anon. Where did he go?

“You are looking for Anon too?” Pinkie asked Rainbow Dash. “He promised he’d help me bake cupcakes. Pinkie promised even!”

“He disappeared ever since we stopped Cozy Glow from taking away all the magic in Equestria.” Fluttershy said.

“Ah don’t like this one bit.” Applejack added. “For all we know, he could be in grave danger! Heck, Chrysalis might’ve kidnapped ‘im while we were busy dealin’ with Cozy!”

Twilight pondered, holding a hoof to her chin. Anon’s mysterious disappearance was troubling news indeed. She might have to kiss this peaceful day goodbye if she wants to get her friend back. The best place to look first would be the Everfree Forest. It stands to reason that Anon might have gotten lost in there. “How about we search the Everfree together? Anon might be ther!”

And so, they trotted to the dark and gloomy forest in search of their friend.

Fluttershy shivered before the terrifying entrance of the Everfree. “Oh my, I hope Anon’s okay. Who knows what could happen to him in there? It’s too dangerous for a human.”

“Oh, darling! There he is!” Rarity pointed to the Everfree Forest. The distinct silhouette of Anon emerged from the dark forest, holding multiple big items in his grubby hands.

“Anon!” Pinkie shouted as she dashed towards him. “You Pinkie promi-”

“Shut up!” Anon shouted back.

All six ponies stepped back in shock.

“Dude, I got. I got! I GOT!” Anon unloaded the items he was holding on to. “I got a hundred pony bodypillows! We need to turn Discord back to stone before season 9 happens! We need to turn him back to stone. I’m trying to save Equestria, guys. I’m trying to save Equestria! We need to turn Discord back to stone.”

His belligerant rant continued on for minutes as all six mares looked at each other incredulously. Discord teleported at the scene of the rant, having heard his name being called out loud many times. He was let’s just say, rather surprised to hear stuff about a “Legion of Doom” and a “Grogar disguise”.

“I need to save it. I need...”

Fluttershy placed a hoof on the distraught human’s shoulder. “Calm down, Anon...”

“Turn him back. Turn him back!”

40 minutes later

“I got a hundred bodypillows. I got a hundred bodypillows.”

Fluttershy tried her luck again. “Now, now. Relax and take a deep breath, Anon. Come on, breathing exercise with me. Four seconds in-”

“No, no, no. I won’t. I won’t! I won’t stand for it! He’s fucking scheming!

He’s a fucking

(Woah, nelly)

Schemer!

Turn him to stone!”

Discord chuckled, placing a halo above his head. “My dear, I’m afraid you’re 5 seasons too late to be screaming like that. I’m reformed, remember?”

“Discord, I hope you’re fucking having a horrible evening. You scheming fucking scumbag!” Anon shouted again as he hunched over the fallen items, searching amongst them.

Discord laughed, wiping his tears away with the halo.

Anon stood up, holding the Elements of Harmony in his grubby hand. “Yeah, laugh like it’s a big fucking joke. This series been around for... ten years and it will be around for another ten! If it weren’t for you FUCKING SCUMBAG FUCKING draconequus!” He screamed as he unloaded his fury on a nearby bush.

Teleporting behind him, Discord handed him over a phone. “Ten years? Do you know when the show came out?”

Anon stared at the phone. It only texted one thing to him. Eight years ago, dumbass.

Pinkie Pie laughed. “This is the weirdest episode of My Lit-” Just before she could finish her sentence, Anon placed the Elements of Harmony upon all six.

“Stone him! Stone him, please! Please please please please please!”

“-tle Pony I’ve ever experience in my whole life!”

“Please! Pleease! Plleeeaaaasseeeee!”

The six mares blinked, flabbergasted by the random outburst of their lifelong friend. What in the hay was a season 9? What’s an episode and what’s a My Little Pony? They questioned his unhinged rant whilst Anon fell to the floor, nearly passing out from exhaustion.

Pinkie Pie giggled. “We’re already in season 9, silly!”

“Did you just throw up?” Fluttershy asked with much concern.

“We can still stop him before he does something stupid!” Anon defended, getting back up in the blink of an eye. His determination was impressive, although a bit unhinged to them.

“I’ve been watching this show a whole lot more than YOU have, pal! I would know ‘cause I helped produce it! I’m a MLP writer... bitch!”

Discord yawned, lying on a couch he just created. “You haven’t done poop, Anon...”

Twilight facehoofed. Her friends removed the Elements, concerned about their friend’s well-being “Look, can we... can we...”

“What the FU-”

Author's Note:

Bitch! 1000 words shitpost! My first Anon story. I don't know why I wrote that, I don't like Anon normally but I just thought it'd be sorta funny.

And yeah, by that point you probably realised that this entire "story" is just a MLP version of the TF2's Calmest Voice Chat video. I did this because I could. I know I'm mentally exhausted, I've written 3000 words today! Yeah, don't have much else to say. Imma dip out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYMnBRJLRTs&ab_channel=WhiskerDog

Comments

[TheGJ90]

Let's not take the shitpost too seriously as it pokes fun at the fans who never got over Season 9's writing.

No, don't you do it now! It's just a shitpost.

[Theprophetice]

He's saving season 9!

[Mystic Sunrise]

11819800
.

[JeSuisLaPorte]

11819800
Well to be fair, I didn't like what they did with Discord in season 9. I just thought it would be funny to push it to the extreme by referencing one of the funniest TF2 videos I found.

[AvoidingFever17]

Im so part of team Save cozy
Seriously WHY DOES SHE GET TURNED TO STONE?