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Excellent work

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Hot damn, way faster than me when I wrote my fimfic. Keep up the work.

Great story keep up the good work

Deciding to follow the creature inside Fluttershy gently nudged Applebloom next to her with a hoof and gave her a small smile before following the creature inside. As soon as Fluttershy enter she noticed her friend Twilight Sparkle and asked "Oh, Twilight you came to meet the new creature as well?" Twilight smiled towards her friend and said "Ah, yes I noticed a magical surge this morning and was investigating this house when this creature noticed me."

You use names far too much author, vary it, use she/her describe the character like "the purple pony" "the yellow pegasus" "The fashionista" Always avoid repeating words

As Twilight flipped through the pages she noticed that each photo had less and less creatures standing next to each other until it was only the small creature and the smallest of the tall creatures. The tall one was seated in a wheelchair looking much paler and thinner with a small smile, the smaller creature was smiling but had a look Twilight had never seen before in her eyes. It felt like the look of a child who knows they are lost and will never be found and is heartbreaking.

"and will never be found and is heartbreaking." You know author there's something like 'talking too much' and 'overly explaining' in histories, This is an example, the thought should have ended in "Lost" You extending the phrase only makes things awkward to read, you could write something like.

[ It felt like the child was lost, like she would never find her way again, the mere thought was heartbreaking]

A shame that you didn’t continue.

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Been having some personal issues, Hopefully I will be able to post the next chapter soon but life is abit chaotic right now.