Joined after being a Brony since at least 2013. I want to write stories about lesbians and odd off ideas I have, proven I ever got around to that.
A mare named Blank State and a stallion named Colter go out on a jungle trip for multiple days. What will they find out about themselves? And how will this trip change both ponies involved?
This is an entry for the New Blood 2023 writing contest with the topic being "A Secret Life".
Would any judges of that contest be willing to comment on this story, what they liked and didn't liked?
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Here's your New Blood Contest feedback!
My original notes from when I first read this begin with "A pain to read." Unfortunately, I think this judgement holds up on a second reading.
I usually start these reviews with technical analysis, but, apart from a few typos and tense issues, I didn't notice much of an issue there - possibly because the narrative issues overwhelmed me.
There's no dancing around it: 95% of this story is dialogue - reflective, perfunctory, boring dialogue - and that's really the only thing I can talk about.
It feels like a story outline spoken aloud by its characters, rather than a story in which the characters act, and as a result they're both far, far too self-aware. They've both practically given each other their life's stories before they even set off for their trip (which is kind of baffling in its own right), and then spend the next three days expounding on their own character traits and the minutiae of everyday life.
It is also very fast-paced, at least in terms of character development (a term I use loosely). Perhaps if the story was ten times as long, with far more narrative and plot and an approximately equal amount of speech, this pace would be appropriate - and the dynamic between these characters would be compelling. But as it is, things are moving way too fast. I guess I can give some examples, so here's one from the first third:
"With our earth pony endurance" is not something she would say in this context, as there's no hint she's comparing them to other kinds of ponies, nor is she suspicious that Colter isn't an earth pony. But that aside, the next sentence switches subjects completely to "I'm curious, what's your cutie mark?" -- Huh? Where did that come from? Has she been curious about this for a while? Or did she suddenly realize she's missing that information about Colter?
Of course, this breakneck pace, sudden and unexplained changes of subject, lack of context and establishment for character moments, and general strangeness of how the characters talk is present throughout. I just bring this up as one example. For another, I can point to the entire second paragraph. My original notes say:
I'm sorry if that's rude. It probably is. But that's just what it's like reading this story.
What can we take away from this? Well, one gilded rule of narrative comes to mind: Show, don't tell. It is usually not so directly applicable, but don't let that stop you. Let an otherwise straightforward, crystal clear, perfunctory script tell itself in the scenes, the emotions, and all the ephemeral factors of the subjects of your tale.
All that said, I genuinely thank you for writing this, and for participating in our little contest. Clearly there are ideas here, struggling to emerge, and a desire to put them to paper. This is good. Keep it up, and I hope to see much more from you in the future.