WhiskeyWolf70
Joined 1st Mar, 2019 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- WhiskeyWolf70 · 7k words · 22 17 · 780 views
- DarkShadowSpark · 4.4k words · 26 19 · 1.1k views
- MassDriver · 5k words · 90 42 · 4.1k views
Featured In1
Stats
Page generated in 0.121 seconds
Total duration
897 users online
528,752 hits today, 2,454,720 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, not that the downvote brigade has passed, I'll say that as a vore scene, it was rather good!
As for a fic... This is a personal preference thing, but I'd have lengthened out the pace a bit more, started by showing some interactions between Coastal and the villagers, establishing some context to the whole thing, why she cares enough about her life not to disturb it by giving into the urges. Then, we can *properly* see how much her predatory desires affect her, and how powerful they truly are. Context makes vore truly hot, and since Coastal is an OC, you kind of have to establish the context in the fic, since the show-canon doesn't give a lot for you.
I mean that's fair, I was worried about pacing the whole way through, admittedly. Wasn't sure what was good and what wasn't.
Hmm, the context was definitely confusing here as the other guy noted. You need to really lay out a setting like this for readers, since it's not FiM's norm. The big problem is that in the very early parts, it seems as if Coastal doesn't eat ponies, and the cultists are just total crazies, but slowly we get hints about the griffonness and even Candy being preds, and it takes a while to really explain that Coastal was trying to break a vore addiction.
As well, it's really odd how the cultists basically don't react or talk much, like they're just NPCs except for Candy. Even the griffonness being unwilling seemed like token resistance at best.
Tying this together...I think too much of this takes place in Coastal's head, instead of in dialog. It makes it hard to figure out exactly what the deal is quickly.
I think overall, I think this would've improved it:
Really minor thing as well...all the "would" verb tense, particularly when Coastal's eating, is awkward. Usually, past or present tense works best in stories. Saying a character "would" do something gives the impression this is all in their head.
Also, typos: "A sa rhythm", "cand claim her".
The input's appreciated and thank you for pointing out the mistakes! This'll be stuff I take into account probably when I do my next attempt (if at all). I'll admit... I didn't necessarily expect this to turn out all that great to begin with. In truth my attempt is quite... sloppy, though that's my own perspective speaking, largely.
Might end up going back at some point and reworking this though, who knows. Either way, thank you for the input, this is deeply appreciated.
When I first saw this pop up I was like, "why do I follow this account?"
Couple seconds later, "oh yeah that Horizon Festival fic!"
Any plans to continue that?
Not at the moment, but there is potential. If I do it's gonna be undergoing a full rewrite to add more depth, context, change in perspective, change in cars taste, etc. I do have another bigger project in the works too, but I have to go over that one in more depth and look it over, make any neccessary edits, and see what can be done to improve it.