Fresh Pillows and New Beginnings

After being separated at birth, Zephyrus is found by his sister Annalyse, who has been searching for him for years in hopes of bonding with him. Anna being as stubborn as she is insists that they live together, wanting to make up for lost time together.

This is just a little idea that popped into my head that I wanted to share, and I hope you enjoy reading it! Both characters belong to me, and the cover image was done by https://twitter.com/Kites_pony?s=20&t=dDl6NL_qIdVzPknSVI95DQ

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Flora Blossom

Flora Blossom #1 · Nov 17th, 2022 · · ·

Interesting concept of an idea.

Huk

Huk #2 · Nov 17th, 2022 · 2 · ·

... I read it from start to finish, and it was a pain. Not because the story is bad (although it feels as if it's a torn part of something larger), but because the formatting makes it very hard to read

The biggest problem is that you place dialog of different characters in the same paragraphs. Not only is such a mix a big NO in itself, but it also creates paragraphs that are waaay too long to read comfortably.

The good news is it's easily fixable . For example, take this:

Zephyrus was silent through his sister's entire speech, simply taking it all in and contemplating the points she had made that would benefit him if he chose to agree. Though it looked like she would sooner kidnap him than take no for an answer at this point. While he was larger than her, Zephyrus had no doubt in his mind that she could overpower him if she really tried. “Even if I declined, you would continually make attempts to win me over, would you not?” His sister nodded. “Pretty much.” With all of that in consideration, he carefully stood and looked over his sister for a moment before resting a claw atop her head. “Very well. I believe it would be quite heartless of me to decline a request, or rather a demand, from family. And I suppose this would give the two of us plenty of opportunities to have moments of sibling bonding.”

And split it properly:

Zephyrus was silent through his sister's entire speech, simply taking it all in and contemplating the points she had made that would benefit him if he chose to agree. Though it looked like she would sooner kidnap him than take no for an answer at this point. While he was larger than her, Zephyrus had no doubt in his mind that she could overpower him if she really tried. “Even if I declined, you would continually make attempts to win me over, would you not?”
His sister nodded. “Pretty much.”
With all of that in consideration, he carefully stood and looked over his sister for a moment before resting a claw atop her head. “Very well. I believe it would be quite heartless of me to decline a request, or rather a demand, from family. And I suppose this would give the two of us plenty of opportunities to have moments of sibling bonding.”

Or even further + add their names to make it more readable:

Zephyrus was silent through his sister's entire speech, simply taking it all in and contemplating the points she had made that would benefit him if he chose to agree. Though it looked like she would sooner kidnap him than take no for an answer at this point. While he was larger than her, Zephyrus had no doubt in his mind that she could overpower him if she really tried.
“Even if I declined, you would continually make attempts to win me over, would you not?”
Anna nodded. “Pretty much.”
With all of that in consideration, Zephyrus carefully stood and looked over his sister for a moment before resting a claw atop her head. “Very well. I believe it would be quite heartless of me to decline a request, or rather a demand, from family. And I suppose this would give the two of us plenty of opportunities to have moments of sibling bonding.”

The same applies even if you have only one character talking. For example:

“Okay. I have an idea. One I hope you’ll agree to cause honestly, I don’t really wanna hang out in a cave every time I decide to visit, and it’ll make visiting easier anyways, cause I want you to come live with me.”
The female griffon approached her brother, making a fist and lightly tapping the top of his head. “I mean c’mon. Somewhere warmer and safer than this cave, plus access to a kitchen and bathroom. Plus it’s not like you’ll be required to be there all the time, you can still travel and always know you’ll have a room waiting for you when you come back.”
Anna was quiet for a moment, a little color filling her cheeks as she let out a sigh and raised a claw to rub the back of her neck in mild embarrassment. “Aaand I wanna have you close for a while cause the whole…separated at birth so I spent all these years trying to track you down so I could finally meet my brother…thing…so, if anything you moving in with me would be for me more so than just for you.”
Anna let out a little huff and ruffled the feathers on her head, a new look of determination falling onto her face. “Plus, since I spent so much time searching for you, it’s kinda like you owe me! So c’mon! Please say yes!” As if to add additional emphasis to her request, she stomped a claw onto the rocky floor of the cave.

It makes it MUCH more readable. I would urge you to re-format it ASAP. Just edit it, don't take it down, or you'll have trouble re-posting it (it's against the rules). Also, if you haven't, check out the https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide to catch and avoid some of the common mistakes.

In any case, good luck! We've all been there in the beginning, with crappy formatting and everything

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