• Member Since 24th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen March 31st

Fury of the Tempest


T

Fancypants thinks about the past and the rumors that surrounded him.

Made as part of Peregrine Caged's giant Album Collab found here https://www.fimfiction.net/story/51158/The-Album

So basically its a 1000 word ramble. Enjoy!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

Not bad for a first! :raritywink:

One of those short, vanilla moments that the fandom does need once in a while. Especially with a character such as Fancypants.
There were a few errors here and there, but I'll leave you with the fun of searching it.

After reading, I was right. It was a vanilla one-shot. Well-paced and smooth, like all vanilla stories should be!
I'll give this a like :pinkiehappy:

Here's a song!
[youtube=7m92qaaeqaQ]

Hmm... Not bad at all... Sometimes it gets a bit confusing who's talking when you don't have the character's name after it... I still like it a lot, even though this isn't a character I got connected with well. Mainly cause we properly saw him like... once? Anyways, I liked it. Bout time you actually posted a fimfic.

Now... time to subject whoever disliked to Pinkie Pie Torture,

1308938
Like I said, it was a 1000 word ramble that I practically winged completely. Glad you liked it!

Good look with the torture! :rainbowlaugh:

Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the fourteenth.

Presentation

* When you only have one chapter in a complete story, it's good practice to call it something other than "Chapter 1."
* Be careful of sentence fragments—all sentences should at least have a subject performing a verb.

Fancypants was no stranger to such rumours himself. Both because of his own successes and those of his father.

should be

Fancypants was no stranger to such rumours himself, both because of his own successes and those of his father.

seeing as the second sentence is a fragment.

Story

* I know this was just supposed to be a short thing, but it really feels incomplete, like it should be part of a larger story. I'm left wondering about who Fancy Pants's protege is, about his past, about his father, and about all the rest of that. This is fine for what it is, but do keep in mind that, should you want to, you could get a lot more mileage out of this.

Good day.

1309208
Mistakes like that don't bother me TOO much in this one. Still, thank you very much for taking the time to point them out.

As for feeling incomplete... well I guess I could use elements of this in a future story. Really I was just winging it, so I didn't think much about what I was typing.

1309208
Sentence fragments are acceptable on the occasion, such as the example you pointed out. It provides proper emphasis on the importance of that 'sentence'.

As to your second half, that was part of the point of this project. It's supposed to be a single captured Moment, a snapshot. It should feel like there's a history building up before and that there's things that happen afterwards.

You would feel the...incompleteness of that a lot less if it were with the sixty-odd other snapshots and part of the whole collection, heh. Just so you keep it in mind, at least.

Just gave it a read, I must say the story left a positive impression in me. Nothing is said clearly but from the whole interaction between characters we can pretty much guess a lot of stuff outside of the 1k words fanfic and this is a good thing. Loved how you somehow portrayed Fancypants into something between Bruce Wayne and Hitman... seriously, from the first sentences I got the feeling his father was doing 'dirty' job like assassinations :twilightsheepish: Not much work on Fleur done in this fic, she doesn't offer much more than showing up and being there which left her kind of bland.

Overall, I like this fic, shame it is a one-shot as it seems more like a prologue for a bigger story, maybe a war for company between the born heir and adopted one but I'm only throwing ideas around. Have an upvote, you deserve it :twilightsmile:

4540476
I'm happy, and surprised I managed to have such an effect on you. As I said in the summary, this was basically a 1k word ramble, and I didn't put that much effort or thought into it. Just goes to show that sometimes, you just need the right scene to have an impact and an inspiration.

I can't really think of making this anything more than a one-shot, as I didn't put too much thought into it. That, and I cannot see a company war between an adopted son and a real-life heir. Fancypants and Fleur wouldn't let such a thing happen... but hey. Don't let that stop you, if you got a good idea, why not write it yourself?

4551697 Nah, not my thing and besides I already have a lot of fics pilled up:twilightsheepish: But for a 1k fic ramble you did good with it and it can be expanded, even if you didn't give any thought to create more :twilightsmile:

4552069
If I do expand this story, it'll be with this as an epilogue, not a prequel.

4552087 True, you should also add this to a groups like straight shipping and others, so it might gain more popularity because otherwise a lot of people won't read this story and it is well written from the looks of up votes.:twilightsmile:

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