• Member Since 26th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen April 5th

Korenav


After years of role play, I have started on full blown fictions. I find inner character growth and development to be of utmost importance, and love to dabble and blur the line that is gender.

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Source

Following the return of Nightmare Moon, Canterlot was in turmoil. Noble houses and loyal ponies stood in defiance against the fallen Princess and perished. The Elements of Harmony cleansed the Nightmare, and the Princess of a millennium ago was returned, but the damage was done, and lives were torn asunder.

Noble House Vanity, a house repute of true self reflection and inner strength, lay in ruin, its thousand year history on the brink of closure. Viktor Vanity, one of the last living members of his house, desperate to save it from bankruptcy and ending the bloodline, takes matters into his own hooves. Faced with no other options, in his eyes, he transitions to marehood believing it will allow her to find a sympathetic suitor. However, things are not so simple when it goes beyond the game of politics after a mysterious murder of a friend in high standing and strange games of subterfuge begin to put the nobility at each others throats.

No longer is she and her house trying to rebuild, but survive a coming storm that could shatter the masquerade that the nobility dances about in its corrupt blissful ignorance and threaten all of Canterlot, if not all of Equestria.

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Pre-reader credit. Thank you Cyfrostan, Captainhoers, Moonfire, Bombora, and my greatest ally in writing, WellaWeiss, whom this is dedicated to.
All character artwork in photo album is credited in the description of each art piece. Art cover credit goes to Silk-Ribbon on Deviant Art. Also, you can see the character art photo album here!

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 45 )

Please feel free to leave any feedback or ask questions. Thank you.

Spacecowboy
Story Approver

Good luck. All OC casts are hard to pull off. I'll be adding this to my read later so I don't lose it, the plot conflict laid out in the long description sounds like it'll make for a good read. Not often that people focus on the politics of nobles, after all.

6174616 Thank you. Coming from you, I really do appreciate it. Being my first story here, I hope I'm labeling everything just right. While I will be tying in other canon characters such as Fancy Pants and Fleur later on when I can tag them, it is mostly an OC cast. I love to be thorough and have quite a colorful backstory to every OC and family, complete with history and naming logic (there is a reason for some of the 'nonstandard' sounding pony names. I should probably find out what to do with my little 'appendices' i made). While I hope this catches readers attention, ultimately it comes down to the fact I just love telling a story and bringing it life for my own entertainment. So here it is for anyone else to enjoy or just leave it be. :)

6174352 Yo dawg, this shit is legit. You got my follow, I'll be tracking this story. Don't let me down :trixieshiftright:

6174896 I hope I don't disappoint! I got a lot more to go and this is only the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for the compliments!

I am tirelessly avaiting new chapters to read. :twilightsmile:

6181815 You're one of my prereaders. You get to read it first, once I work you enough. :P

Comment posted by cyfrostan deleted Jul 9th, 2015

I find myself checking back every few hours for updates.
Don't judge me.

6187584 I won't judge...Much. Hehe. I'm quite happy that my story has your attention. I would have added chapter 3 by now, but my significant other is visiting me right now, so that takes priority. Expect it soon though!

Interesting start, a lot of political intrigue seems to be boiling just beneath the surface. I am not usually one to read political thrillers, but Spacecowboy mentioned this so I will give it a try.

I noticed a couple instances of missing words, usually "to".

I have got to do this. I know it will work out, it’s brilliant enough to work.

Or crazy enough to work, I am not seeing a huge difference between the two at the moment.

I like the description of waking up, lot more detail went into the strange feeling. Still have some grammar errors with missing words, but nothing that detracted heavily from the narrative.

I feel each chapter could use some editing, there are multiple cases of missing words and "it is" shortened to "its" when it should be "it's". There were also cases of missing capitals in titles, like in the first chapter. "Princess of the Night" also has night capitalized which it did not when I read it. Some tense issues existed as well, words being present tense instead of past.

As for the plot, it is an interesting concept considering how the world seems to be a split between matriarchal and patriarchal and that aspect plays into house relations. House Vanity also being near broke makes it more difficult to see how the house could be even brought back from the precipice it stands on.

6193768 I am glad you are liking it so far. I do tend to have a few grammatical errors pop up rather frequently when I write and try to catch as many as I can rereading and getting help from my prereader team. I do like to put most my focus into the story telling and such and many of the older Noble Houses have aged and outdated traditions relative to modern pony society where such traditions are nonexistent. House Vanity, for example, comes from a time not terribly long after the founding of Equestria, and traditions then were vastly different relative to now. A number of those still linger, and some of the 'newer' Noble Houses will reflect a more modern culture, including naming methods.

This is highly interesting and I am liking it a lot so far.

For a beginning chapter, this does a fairly good job of setting the tone and feel of the story. I'll admit that, at times, the politics were a little hard to follow and I was left confused as to what was going on, but the characters and their interactions felt very believable. I actually believed that Luna and Basyrr had a believable friendship just from their brief scene together. And the shocking (but expected) cliffhanger ending leaves much speculation as to what else shall happen in the story.

Overall, a good start. Hopefully the rest of the story shall be as—if not more—engaging.

This chapter did a very good job in sucking the reader into Viktor's new emotional state. You really feel like he's woken up in a completely new body and the sensation of learning how to control it is akin to how a child learns how to use a new toy. It was wonderfully written and conveyed every emotion it was meant to. Viktor himself is also an interesting character. His dedication to family offers itself to many possibilities for him to go through, good and bad, especially now that he's transformed himself into a mare.

I only have two problems with the chapter. One is that it's a little jarring to hear a pony with a human name; it just doesn't quite fit. The other is that it would have been neat to see Victor's homelife before he changed into a mare. We're told that his family is going through hard times and that's what drove him to this choice, but it would have been better to see those economic hardships firsthand. But as is, the chapter was satisfying in both emotional feel and character reveal.

The positives of this chapter were the same as the last one; it had a lot of good emotional moments that made you feel for Viktor's situation, and it got some good characterization for Viktor and the maid. However, many of the problems with this chapter again stem from the fact that we never saw Viktor's home life before the transition, so most of the second-half of this chapter turned into an exposition dump.

6211273 Thank you for the feedback! I did think a fair bit about Victoria's life before all this came to be, but with how I have paced the story, it would slow things down. Rather, I chose to thrust the story upon the reader with a bit more immediacy and intend to reveal her life beforehand with inner dialogue and flashbacks (one of which happens in the next chapter actually!). Though I do understand how some understanding for the changes she is going through may be lost without something to compare to beforehand.

Ah, yes, the names. This has come up with several others, and I suppose the story needs to remark on it sooner. Normal pony names usually refer to ones talent or a personality in some way using some very obvious plain english words, though here, we have noble houses from several hundred to thousand years ago with histories and traditions that become less relevant to modern traditions daily. Clinging to the traditions that make them 'Noble' and different from modern ponies, a number of older houses will have customs you may not see normally, such as names. House Dusk, for example, uses mainly Arabic names based on words that, when translated to their meaning, would probably sound a lot more like a traditional pony name (Basyrr = 'psychic'). How the last name is used also differs from house to house, usually to emphasize their status and family fame (House Vanity always has a first, middle, and a fixed last name. House Dusk using first name and fixed last. Ect.). That said, I do realize Victoria's name is perhaps a bit too plain, but it still plays a part into her personality.

I might do a journal explaining all the names and their meaning since there are a fair number of them to come.

Great read! :D Found this story via the artists deviantart post, you should really have the "source" link on the art lead back to him/her~

Still, from all the stories I've read where switching gender has been such a challenge to the main characters, Viktors ease in switching pronouns seems a bit unrealistic. Especially when he recalls his past, having his flashbacks use the pronoun 'her' make it seem like his father & brother were dealing with a mare then, not the stallion he was - his memories shouldn't be that influenced by his current state for him to completely forget how it was to be male. Unless he always felt he had an empathetic understanding about mares & fantasized about becoming a one before this, or that this brain-tweak is attributed to the magical transformation procedure, I expected him to be having a bit more trouble with it, stumbling over it mentally as his memories being a male conflict with his current body telling him he's female.

I get a little bit of that when he wakes up, having everything feel "wrong", but once he starts laughing it all switches to 'her' so suddenly, it may be an attempt to show how he's embracing this "rebirth" now that he's living it, but it feels too easy. Now, if you include some of the mental gymnastics he's doing to adapt to his new form, or imply that he's avoiding dealing with some aspect of his previous self by making this change that would fuel such a denial of self, that would be a great point of growth and exploration.

Keep going, this sounds like a great story!

6229530 Thank you for your feedback! I seemed to have had a lapse of basic knowledge when putting my thanks to the artist in the description and forgot that one can hyperlink here. I think its all in order now, and I threw the links up in the photo album descriptions too.

I do admit that I may have made the switch of pronouns a bit abruptly. I debated on making a mental hint on it, but published as is. As for her accepting this mentally so well, this is as intended, and will have consequences. I am going for a different approach and the story will hit on this again quite soon. Right now, Victoria is enjoying the new mask she wears like a toddler with a new toy, but you would think the realization would eventually start to sink in that this isn't a mere tool or accessory, but a key part of her identity. Or maybe something is indeed preexisting here. Maybe that potion is having side affects. We shall see! :D

I'm loving the start of this, though I admit I hadn't put thought into why Basyrr felt the way he did about his foresight, I wouldn't of ever though it'd be his demise. Needless to say I'm intrigued for this fanfic c:

6274912 Thank you! One can only wonder just what drove his killer to murder, who they could be, and what they could be up to. Luna is going to be very upset.

For a calm before the storm chapter, this was pretty good. It was nice to see Victor's interactions with the other members of his household and how each of them takes him becoming a mare differently. Both Arty and Brenner seem like interesting characters, or at least ones that leave themselves open to much development in the future. This chapter was also good at establishing the fallout that is going to come from Victor's choices and how they'll affect the family in the future, which again was done well. Although I did find it strange that Victor wasn't questioned by Brenner more thoroughly, which would probably be my only complaint with the chapter. Everything else was good, and I'm interested to see how Victor is going to integrate himself back into society as a mare now.

Fffffs arty is a bundle of cuteness that any colt or filly would love xD

6280527 As always, I love the feedback. Brenner will get his chance to ask questions hopefully so long as Elise isn't nearby and armed. I can't wait to start getting into their story, but for the moment the focus is on the primary protagonist and the mystery at hoof.

6280819 I LOVE arty. His existence alone makes me want to write another fic just for him (sequel?). I already have an art of him grown up. He has a special future ahead of him.

6281896 That sounds amazing \o/

I should probably mention im at bronycon. If anyone cares to please message me and let's hang out!

There wasn't really too much bad that could be said with this chapter. It had a very good flow, and the new character introduced seems enjoyable enough (though if I had to make a criticism I'd say she comes across as a generic "tough mare guard" character, but I don't want to say that because we only just met her and it seems there's more to her than that). Luna's portrayal this chapter was also very good, and I'd say you wrote her guilt very believable and accurate. So... yeah, not too much bad to be said about this chapter.

6419339 I'm happy to hear your feedback. Portraying Luna correctly was one of my biggest concerns and I still feel I could have done more with her emotion, though at the risk of making her come off as less a leader and more a mess.

Caster (I call her Emi everywhere else though), was intended to be a very minor forgetable character, but she has gotten a bit more of a background support role. A fun mare, and some history to her for sure (I never short on on the backstory on any OC) but she is not the main focus of the story. When I first wrote this chapter actually I had to cut a lot because I developed her too much and she stole the scene to the point where Luna might as well have been the background character. She will get a chance to shine later, but she is still only a support character in the back.

I do have a list of short story ideas, however, and one of them is Luna (pre Mirror Dance and being coached by Basyrr) catching her Guards goofing around outside her door...then 'attempting' to be social (not long after her return when she used the 'Royal We'). That would be fun and give Caster plus some others a chance to have some fun short story sillyness.

I'm enjoying this quite a bit. Well thought-out TGs with all the implications thereof are rather rare in this fandom (there are a lot of TGs, but are usually coupled with TFs, and being a pony is usually considered more of a shock than the gender part, except for those characters who based their identity on gender too much).

That said, I can't wait for the main conceit of this story, trying to bury the hatchet with Luna, will come into play. Nightmare Moon has done some terrible things, and this is obviously something that wasn't resolved. In any other situation, you'd think that Luna would have tried to make right all the misdeeds. Then again, noble houses fell into decline all the time in human history, especially at the turn of the 1900th century, so perhaps some bad decisions on Victoria's part led to their dilemma, even after being compensated.

6455872 Thank you! I have read a number of TG stories and I felt that there was something I could offer from a different perspective (That being that I am transgender myself). Victoria isn't a terribly strong gender minded pony, but she certainly ignored quite a few important details when making her choice that will be quite eye opening to her.

There is certainly a rift between Victoria and Luna that will have to be faced, but one has to wonder just what did go on in the years that passed since then. What was Victoria doing about it? Luna? And what about the other noble houses during this time? Victoria might not be the only one.

Captain ‘smokey bat’

Heh heh heh....

6464935 I wonder who that could be....Hmm...

I love the story so far. Your characters have definitely pulled me in and I await the next chapter.

6464935 I must've read that part before getting to know you, otherwise I'm blind for not noticing xD

I suggested to change it to 'Smokey the Bat', but it never went through.

6485339 Thank you! I love to have colorful and well thought characters. Each one could tell their own story. It hurts to have to cut and trim out some of their development to keep the story going at a good pace, otherwise I would side track far too much. Side fics maybe....

6486805 Yep, and thats why I turned it down. Made more sense in the reference that way. Expect more. :P

Hey dude, just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed this story and to not give up writing it! I don't want you to feel pressured, so I'll just say that whether you end up finishing this or not, you will remain one of my favorite authors on this site! You've inspired me greatly! And as I write this at 11:30 at night with my eyes feeling like prunes, I want you to know you can do It. I know that this story will be one of the greats. Take care lad (and or) lassy, and may your pen never falter (corrected)!

7560618 It's spelled 'falter'. Correction offered without malice.

7854403 ... Well, if I was Catholic, It might make a little sense. :applejackunsure:

And thank you for the malice-less correction friend, and may my pen be smarter for it. :D

I love how this story is going, will it be continued? Or is it on some hiatus for now?

Wow, its been a while! Yes I am alive. Sorry, no story updates yet but I haven't forgotten about this. Moving into a new home and then becoming unemployed has sure taken its toll on me. However I do want to get back to this sometime. It may not be soon but I will continue in time. Thank you for the words of support! It has helped me.

Yay! This isn't dead!
But life always comes first. I hope things get sorted out with a positive outcome. And no, not just because I want to read more of this. (Though, that would be a bonus.) :twilightsmile:

Patiently awaits the next update.

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