Cloudbusting

Bingo Writing Contests104 stories ·42 members

This is an entry for the G5 Bingo Contest.

Hitch was exhausted after the Mane 5's adventure. He came home hoping to get some well-deserved rest. But a smart little puppy has other plans...

This is my first ever story on FiMFiction. I don't expect it to be coming home with a prize, but I enjoyed writing this so I hope you enjoy reading it!

Prompt #092

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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Regidar

Regidar #1 · Dec 30th, 2021 · 2 · ·

obligatory

good luck in the contest!

LulaMoonBow

LulaMoonBow #2 · Dec 30th, 2021 · 2 · ·

11101070
Never heard of this song before. 😳

Thanks!!

Merallakos

Merallakos #3 · Jan 25th, 2022 · · ·

In a story, every detail is important somehow. In this story, there are many details.

A light amber Earth pony with a short, aqua green mane, average length tail, amber eyes and light brown eyebrows pushed open the large red door with his chocolate brown hooves.

Any reader would be familiar with Hitch.

opposite corner of the small room and comfortably plopped himself down on the black leather couch in front of his average sized TV.

What is an average sized TV?

“What the-” he stared at the fluffy, white Pomeranian with a round body, short legs, and tiny paws. The puppy’s ears were rounded triangles with a faint spiral pattern inside each, and he also had a wide black nose, and gray paw pads. He stared back at Hitch with his beady black eyes.

That sure is Cloudpuff...

There are too many details for a regularly paced story.

But I think beginning with excessive familiar details (like Hitch), then going into an unfamiliar scene almost feels intentionally guided. It's the delirium before sleep where your mind is seeing in snapshots, where your body is on autopilot and you numbly take in what you do as it happens.

Hitch switched off the TV by pressing the red button on his black remote, then he climbed up the stairs and lay down in his yellow bed and made himself comfortable under the patterned quilt.

You acheive lucid thought,

The amber earth pony knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep if this kept up, so he determined to put those little brats in their place. Yeah, that’s what he’ll do.

and then drift off again...

He’ll catch them and call their parents, who would come galloping. They would apologize that their naughty children disturbed the mighty Hitch, sheriff of Maretime Bay and an important part of Sunny’s mission to unite all three pony tribes. They would go home, the children would get in...

...into dreams.

Almost.

For me, this fic straddles the line between intentionally breaking a rule, and unknowingly breaking it. I think the overuse of adjectives may not have been intended to hit in this drowsy way. Not intended to gum up the pacing and overload the imagination with object upon object. What I mean is, There's not much tactile sense. It's all visual, which is how a scene would normally work; but the narrative lost sight of what was important and what wasn't, so it just decided to throw everything in there.

Having the G4 show be an actual TV series in G5 puts Sunny and Argyle in a interesting light. I have to admit it's a compelling subject.

I feel like normally when a song or a scene shows up like this--

...And as he was listening to the music, it didn’t take much for him to fall asleep.
🎶 Each one of us has something special,
That makes us different, that makes us rare...

--in the middle of a piece of literature, it's to comment on something important. So I guess to me this scene feels strangely important. I have to admit, the colored lines work really well.

I liked it when it started to drizzle outside of HItch's house. I don't know why, but that struck a chord with me.

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LulaMoonBow

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