• Member Since 4th Oct, 2021
  • offline last seen Mar 9th, 2022

LulaMoonBow


E

Strange things are happening to Sunset Shimmer. Sudden flashes disturb her throughout the day, she constantly keeps hearing the voices of her pony friends back in Equestria, and the journal she uses to communicate with Princess Twilight isn't functioning properly. When Sunset finds out who's responsible, she has to make a hard decision, or she will have to see the two worlds crumbling before her eyes.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 3 )

Opening chapter quickly sets up a dilemma, which is good. Not much else was revealed, unfortunately. The description of the story really got me hooked, so I'm curious to know how the plot unfolds in the future chapters.

Are these short chapters really necessary? Couldn't they all just be put into a single chapter?

Your first chapter started out with good dialogue and scene building, but it’s gotten choppy and rushed as you’ve gone further. Especially in the dialogue between Sunset and Twilight. Sunset had a good motive for not being happy with Twight, but the resolution was a bit dry. It might be worth checking into that and fixing the pacing.

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