A hippo-griffin named Gad finds himself in the company of a kind stranger, whose identity he just cant quite place...
This is my headcanon for my OC; I'm posting it here to get honest opinions;
BE MERCILESS IN YOUR COMMENTS.
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- Member Since 29th Jul, 2021
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Kendallonian
Hallo. I am a connoisseur of clever wordplay and stories with deeper meaning; I very casually run a YouTube channel with my brother called GadZooks where we talk about MLP-related stuff.
Kendallonian
Joined 29th Jul, 2021 ·
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Kendallonian · 4.1k words · 209 views
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I liked it. The only thing that was a touch off was just in theming but, that I would say is just my taste not anything in the story itself. If I would have to say more on technical and story level.
Perhap's a snappier ending? Maybe? You say to criticize so I am all for it. But, bad cricitism is a thing and I could not finish the very very tale end. Otherwise these thing's I thought your use of physical description was good, and you keep the mystery well tackled in so far as it well handled.
I do as I write this wish a spig that she was a little more spicy? In conversation?
I am not sure. Honestly I think it's the odd desire I have to every piece of media I consume to be dissertion on the ethic's, morality, etc. What have you...
So...cheer's! It was fun! Thank you for sharing !
Ps. I liked both your oc's. You could feel the character work!
Don't you mean hippogriff?
10962337
no, actually. I didn't want to put the whole explanation in the description, but Gad is actually half-griffin and half-hippogriff. It's explained in the story.
10962307
I, too like stories with a deeper meaning, but I usually try and follow C.S. Lewis' advice and try to let the story itself come up with the moral; in this case I guess it didn't work out.
I am unsure what you mean by wanting her dialogue to be more 'spicy'... maybe give me an example you might have done differently?
and yeah, the ending might need a bit more of a 'punchline' (for lack of a better word) or a shortened ceremony...
If you want more of These two characters, you could check out the YouTube channel I run with my brother; GadZooks is the name of it.
10962480
Hmm...I guess perhap's a lead in? Like just more? Like...it was good dialogue and I would totally vibe with...I suppose by Spicy I mean...a zing...like she is their to visit old memory's, ya?
So consider with fifty new word's and switched and smoothed future ones. You could hint at literally say...a glint of light coming from a back pack? Saddle bag?
In the dialogue front...this is largely personal preference but, well her job as character is swell and done. It is good. It could be more interesting.
Like let's say...(to hint at other thing's) you can have Celestia notice him by her bucking a tree. Not...mind as her being a jerkface but, unonowing and wanting to remember so long thing.
To further tie the dialogue and the item in the bag thing. You could have her mention a character or something. Mind, many writer's sort abstract Celestia and Luna's history, names, faces, cultures, etc. So, it's cool.
But, with some added word's you could give more umph to the theme and moral...heroism by telling or hinting at a older tale with some manner twist...(after all she barely remember's or mix's up their names?)
I think the ending is perfect. The story has a n obvious but not pushed meaning/lesson - which is great. The dialogue from Celestia is damn near perfect, and Gad’s dialogue is mostly very natural as well. There are a few places that he dumps information in a way and quantity that feels a little forced/too exposition-y, but it definitely holds up.
My only complaint is that there’s a couple places that you don’t start a new paragraph when the speaker changes, namely right near the beginning. But that’s an easy mistake to miss.
You did good! :)
10962496
OOOOH! THIS is what you meant by 'spice'.
Makes more sense to me after watching this video. I'll have to think about what sort of conflict I'd want to put in here...
10976276
ya. Some of the best advice is in those vids. I also love her voice and passion. She also in may ways allows you space to learn yourself. Its not just. Ha ha. I have figured it all out. You know? Its like gentle prouding...
Any others you checked out I have some favs?
10976299
Well I rather enjoyed "writing subtext in dialogue" and "3 pieces of writing advice that changed my life". I might try writing more terrible stories from now on. 😄
Mostly these videos just remind me that writing is a lot simpler than I make it sometimes.
10976311
I liked it a lot. It really is something to be proud of...and yes. Writing is way simpler then we all make it sometimes.