Well isn't this something? I've been taken to... Whatever the hell this place is, and I don't even understand why. What's so special about me? Now I have to struggle to keep my sanity in this god forsaken place. I mean, talking ponies? How could you NOT go insane after awhile? Though I'd rather be here than back with my father. Hopefully I can go home. There is a way... Right?
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You constantly switch between present tense and past tense. It makes reading very difficult simply due to lack of proper structure. For example, your last paragraph starts with, "I wake up..." Which is present tense. Then, later in the last paragraph, you write, "I bounced in excitement..." which is past tense. I suggest going through the whole story and choosing a single tense for it (and I highly recommend past tense) and then editing all the tense errors.
Additionally, your story suffers from the curse of , "telling" instead of "showing". For example, the first chapter is telling us all about how Jack comes from an abusive and broken home. Instead of getting to experience it for themselves, the reader is forced to listen to backstory delivered in an uninteresting way. A far more effective way to "show" us Jack's backstory would, perhaps, be for him to talk with one of the mane 6 about his history. Twilight Sparkle would be very interested in learning about this strange human, and having Jack speak to her about his life is far more interesting than simply delivering it to us through a internal narration.
Your story needs work. Please don't feel disheartened, though! Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has to start somewhere, and the best way to learn is by doing, and then receiving constructive feedback.
Best of luck.
I want to have jack tell everypony about his history in a future chapter. Possibly chapter 3. I'm going to see if I can edit the story some more so things'll be easier to read. Thx for the advice though :D just realized the tenses. Hopefully the story goes as planned. Keep in check, it'll get better over time.
The prologue will have to be heavily edited apparently. 1st person seems a bit harder to do for me than 3rd person. Idk why.
I also did this at 4 in the morning so I wasnt thinking too clearly. I wanted to get the story started already. That was probably a bad idea.
Editing will come tonight! Ima check over everything again to make things smooth. And thx to maverik for the friendly comment. Also, Maverik, i have some tips 4 u. Dont be shy with story ideas, thats fluttershys problem. The chapters dont post until you have atleast 1000 words. You can still edit the stuff any time you want. If you get negative feedback on your story, keep writing (unless you dont like the story either). Read some other stories to improve a little of your writing.
Your doing great! Can't wait for the next chapters!
This seems pretty fast paced
@Hank J Wimbelton
Its my first story, what do you expect?
Chapter 1 has been partially edited. Workin on the Prologue now. I'm thinking about maybe putting in scenes from Jack's past. Idk how i'm going to pull it off without screwing somthing up
Ima try ages 5, 8, and 11 to start. Keep giving me feedback. It's actually helping.
Prologue is done with editing. :D Gonna work on chapter 1 tonight, maybe even some of 2.
I finally uploaded a pic! Ain't it pretty?
Chapter 2 is halfway done, I have back issues that's making me slow down.
Chapter 3 is now done! Features the forest rescue with the CMC and RD.
I'm going through all of the chapters to make sure I have everything in past tense.
need longer chapters its coming off to fast dude
Again way to fast and it just seems all to similar honestly
Sigh.... standard RD shipping CMC's lost in the forest. and its to fast! You leave little to the actual reader to latch on too. I am honestly already predicting how the shipping is gonna end up with the pace you are going at.
They aren't in love yet :P And it's gonna be awhile before that happens. I've seen faster. When I had RD start to cry when she was going to leave Jack, it was because she didn't want to have a friend die. They're in the "friend zone" right now. I'm trying not to have this go too fast.
And I could make longer chapters, but I would need alot more time to plan out what I'm going to do. Each chapter has a sequence of events. I label each with what's going to happen basically. It takes me about 5-6 hours just to make 1000 words, so that's just how I do it.
Chapter 4 is going to be postponed due to technical difficulties. Dont worry though, I'll have it up when the weekend comes.
God dammit, my file for chapter 4 was lost. Had a virus on my laptop. Gonna have to do it again. Bear with me fellow bronies, im going to plan it out on my phone.
Wait for the next chapter
Editing hopefully coming this weekend. I'm going to fix the walls of text and maybe change some of the details in a few of the chapters. I can't seem to find too many ideas for chapter 4 right now, and my school work isn't making this any easier.