• Member Since 28th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 3rd, 2013

allthatchris


T

Nothing seems to go in Chris's favor. He can't find a stable job, he struggles to keep up with college, his love life is in shambles, and his family has drifted apart. When his girlfriend of two years leaves him, he heads out to the woods near his home to clear his thoughts. Without warning, he is transported to the Everfree Forest, in the exciting and dangerous land of Equestria, an ancient world long forgotten by humans with no way to return home. When all seems lost, he is rescued by the mane six and learns that he was not brought here on accident. A dangerous force is threatening both his old home and his current one, and it is up to him and his new friends to save all life as they know it.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 9 )

“Chris, wait a moment.” Chris turned and bowed. He wasn’t sure why, but it seemed to be customary in front of the princess. She lowered her voice and whispered to him, so as to make sure no one else could hear. “You have one chance. I know what kind of beings you humans are.” Chris gulped, immediately scared out of his mind.

“If you harm one creature that does not deserve it, you will be dealt with. Element or not, I will not stand for it.”

Empty threat cause then she'd doom Equestria

Hmmm I'll watch for now but will save a like for later you almost made me leave with the humans are bastards thing

1554925

hmm. i see what you mean. check for a revision soon, i left out some of my brainwork it seems ehehehe...
the "humans are bastards" thing, i guess its called now, wont stay. its only to show the distrust seeded into the hearts of those who know what happened, mostly princess celestia. it will start to make sense soon.

hope you guys enjoy my first attempt at writing anything. I appreciate any criticism, as long as it is constructive haha. I dont have an editor or anything fancy, so let me know if i make a stupid mistake. ill try to add a chapter a week, although when i get going sometimes ill have two or three in a day.
Happy reading guys :)

This is just one of the things that I noticed, the rest seem to fall in the same category

Chris buttoned his shirt and looked in the mirror. "These fit wonderfully," he said, smiling at rarity. "Oh darling I'm so glad you like them. No one has ever said they didn't want any gems on anything, so it was hard for me to design anything I was happy with." Chris bowed towards his friend. "Thank you m'lady, I am forever in your debt." She blushed, and turned to hide her embarrassment. Chris had quickly figured out that the mares loved it when he spoke to them as proper and regal as possible, especially rarity. She cleared her throat.

on many sentences you have more than one character talking, each character that talks should have their own line.

Also don't forget that when using a characters name make sure to capitalize the first letter.

I'm not much of a writer in fact I hate writing and English class was my worse class in school, but I've seen others tell authors the same thing about when characters speak, keep up writing i'm hoping for more in this story.

1564515

thank you for your assistance. i was never one for english class either :twilightsheepish:

as for the spelling and punctuation errors, i am currently typing all of this story on my iphone, which loves to change everything i type in. I try to catch mistakes when proof reading, but 3 am is unkind to me sometimes :facehoof:

My laptop is in the shop, but hopefully sometime this week these mistakes will diminish as i transition back to my usual device.

your words at the end give me the encouragement i need to finish the next chapter! Quick, everyone praise jchavez and check for chapter 5 in the morning! :pinkiehappy:

also, i love these mlp emotes. they are freaking adorable :ajsmug::pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh::raritywink::twilightsmile:

Potential. This story has it.

One thing hit me immediately. "The town of Vermont"? I knew Vermont was a smaller sized state but didn't know it had been downgraded to a town...

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