Desiderium

Hello. My name is Maudlina Daisy Pie. But most ponies just call me Maud. They think I'm odd. Boring. But I've not always been this way. I was very different, when I was young. Before the accident. Before everything changed.

I have six friends. I do not see five of them often, and they find it hard to like me. But I have one friend who finds it easy to like me. She is my sister. She is called Pinkamena, and I love her very much. I normally call her Pinkie. But I do not often see her either.

I would have had more friends, I think. When I was young, I would always think about the day, in the far distant future, when I would leave my family's rock farm and find friends. It made me happy to think about. The rock farm did not make me happy. But my family did not know that. It still doesn't make me happy. And my family still don't know that.

I miss my fillyhood. Everything was much simpler then. I had Mother, and Father, and my sisters. I am the eldest. After me is Limestone. She always took charge when our parents were away. Then came Pinkie and Marble. They are twins, but are very different. I like my sisters, and I like my Mother and Father. I love them all. But life on the rock farm was not easy. We did not have much food. Sometimes Father would get angry with us and make us scared of him. But he never hurt us.

Nowadays I have three sisters. Limestone, Pinkie and Marble. But I did have another sister. Her name was Surprise, and she was the youngest. She was white with a yellow mane, and was a pegasus, because one of our grandparents was a pegasus too.

She liked to give me things, sometimes. She was a simple, happy filly. One day, after Pinkie got her cutie mark at last, Surprise gave me a little pebble. There were always lots of pebbles, because we lived on a rock farm. But this one was special. It was lots of colours, and looked like a small bird. She told me it was called Boulder. She was still very young and didn't know how big boulders are. She wanted me to have it. So I took it. And I still have it, because it reminds me of happy times. Boulder has worn away and doesn't look like a bird anymore. But I still keep it.

I do not know many ponies. They think I am strange, because I have a pet rock. They think I am rude, because I do not do what they think I should do. But they do not know that I was not like that at first.

I could smile, once. When I was young. And I could dance and laugh and play. I used to play in the fields with Pinkie and Marble and Surprise, keeping them happy. Limestone and Mother and Father had to work on the rock farm. But I had to look after my younger sisters. Especially Surprise. She was always quite frail, and couldn't fly or talk well, even though she was old enough to. But she was happy. We were all happy.

Until one day. One bad day, when it all changed. It was not my fault. But I should have done different things. Then maybe it would not have happened. I do not know.

What I do know is what did happen. Pinkie, Marble and I were playing with Surprise on the side of a small hill. It was only little. But it had steep sides, and we liked to roll all the way down from the top. We took it in turns. Pinkie went first, then she trotted back up. Then Marble went down and came back up. Then I went down. I waited at the bottom to catch Surprise when she rolled down. But when it was her turn, she only got halfway. Then she was gone. I did not see where she went.

So I went down to where I last saw her. There was a hole in the grass. It went down into a tunnel. Surprise was in there somewhere. I could hear her crying. I called to Pinkie to get Father and she ran towards the farm. Then I went in the tunnel. Marble came with me, but I told her to wait at the entrance.

It was an old rock mine. The roof was not strong and it had got weaker because we rolled on it. Surprise had been rolling over it when it caved in. I went to find her. I was worried. She was not crying any more.

It was very dark in the tunnel, because it went round a corner. I found Surprise only by almost stepping on her. She did not say anything but I could feel her warm breath on my hooves. She was trapped under a big piece of wood. I think it had been holding the roof up round the corner.

I tried to move it off her. But it only made it worse. More rocks fell down onto the wood, and onto her back and wings. She screamed, and I stopped. I felt so sorry for her, and I started crying. She didn't cry. I went back round to the opening, to see if Pinkie was coming back with Father. She wasn't. I tried calling, but nopony came. I sent Marble back to the farm to look for Father and Mother as well. Then I went back to Surprise. But it was still dark and I couldn't see where the wood was. But I could hear her breathing. She was breathing very quickly. I could smell blood. I knocked the wood with my hoof by mistake and it moved. More rocks came down onto her, and onto me. A big one hit me on the head and everything went completely black.

I woke up in a hospital in Ponyville. It seemed so bright after the tunnel. I was not used to bright things, because I had lived on a dark rock farm. It felt different. But something else felt different too. I could see, and move my hoofs in front of my eyes. But I couldn't frown at the pain in my head. I couldn't smile at a picture of my family on the desk beside me. I didn't understand.

Then a doctor came in. I looked up at him and he sat down beside the bed. He told me that I had had a very bad bump on the head, but that he thought I would be all right. I didn't smile. I asked where Surprise was. He asked me to listen carefully, because he had bad news. I felt worried but didn't frown. He told me that Surprise had been very badly hurt in the tunnel. His eyes started watering and he paused. Then he told me that she had fallen asleep, and would never wake up again. He looked sad. I felt sad but I couldn't cry. I knew Surprise was dead. But it did not feel real.

I was in the hospital for a long time. Then one day they said I could leave. I hadn't seen my family very often while I was in the hospital. Pinkie always seemed happy and funny, but I never laughed at her jokes. She was even more busy and laughing than usual. But I could see the pain in her eyes. Marble was very quiet. She had always been quiet. But now she never spoke at all. And she never smiled.

When I got home, Mother told me that she and Father and my sisters had buried Surprise next to her favourite cherry tree. They had planted white and yellow daffodils round her grave. I felt very sad. I never got to say goodbye. But I didn't cry. Mother got angry with me because I never seemed upset. But I was, very much. Only Pinkie saw how sad I was.

Sometimes I went to Canterlot. I went to the library there. I felt lonely on the rock farm, even though my family were there. It was nice to be away from the farm for a while. But nopony there liked me. They called me rude, and stupid. They didn't know I heard. They think I don't understand them. But I do. I can feel hurt. But I cannot show it. It doesn't matter what I feel like, I can never show it. If I am happy I cannot smile. If I am sad I cannot cry. If I am interested in something, ponies think I am not, because I cannot change my voice. It is always the same. So ponies leave me alone.

Everything changed after Surprise died. Limestone became cross and angry, and always had to be in charge. I think she felt she hadn't taken enough care of Surprise, and had to make sure nothing like that ever happened again.

Marble became very quiet. She cried a lot. One morning she went outside and we couldn't find her for a long time. A few days later I found her in the tunnel where Surprise had died. I think she wanted to die as well. But I took her home instead.

Pinkie became even more wild and enthusiastic than she had been before. She tried to hide her grief and pretend it wasn't real. Eventually Mother and Father asked her to move away. She had too much energy and they couldn't cope.

My parents became very stern and strict. When Surprise died they forgot how to have fun. Or maybe they felt they weren't allowed to. I think they wished they had spent more time with her while she was alive. Surprise was very easy to ignore or overlook. Especially as she would never notice. She didn't understand things the way most ponies do. So because they were so busy, Mother and Father never really did much with Surprise. I was the one who understood her best, and played with her. And now I think they regret it.

The doctor told me that because of my brain injury I have something called 'flat affect'. That means I can't show my emotion. Even if I want to. And I do. I want ponies to know that I love them. I want to tell jokes and enjoy other ponies' company. But not many ponies know that.

It has been twelve years since Surprise died. I spend most of my time on my own. For a long time I did not see Pinkie often, but we sent each other candy necklaces to remember each other by. I never ate the ones she sent me. I do not like sweet things.

Then one day Pinkie invited me to come and visit. I had not visited her before for more than a day, but this time she wanted me to stay for a while. She had new friends in Ponyville. She wanted me to meet them, and like them.

So I went to visit. I liked her friends very much. They were kind to me. But they did not like me. I know they tried to like me, but they couldn't. Pinkie was sad, because she wanted her friends to be my friends too. She knew I didn't have any other friends. So she made an obstacle course that we could all have fun together on. She hoped it would make them like me.

But she got stuck on a mountain of rocks she had piled up. She made it for me, because she thinks I like rocks. I do not like rocks. I do not dislike them, but they are not very interesting. But I know a lot about them. I do not have to try to be friendly, if the only things I see are rocks and not ponies.

A big rock started falling down the pile that Pinkie had made. It made me think of Surprise rolling down the hill, and of how she had died. I had to save Pinkie. She was the only pony who understood me, and my only friend. I had to save her.

So I did. I was able to because I knew about rocks. If I had not known about rocks, she would have died like Surprise. And I would be even more sad, because I love her very much.

And it did something else that was good. Because I could save Pinkie, it made her friends like me too. So now I have six friends. They still find it hard to talk to me, I know that. But they do like me. I am glad. The like me because I saved Pinkie, and they like Pinkie a lot. They think she is crazy and silly and only thinks about parties. They know her. But they do not know her as well as I do. I see the pain in her eyes. When nopony else is around, and we are talking, she is very quiet. She lets herself be sad when we are alone together. She thinks about Surprise and everything we lost. And she does not think it is my fault. Even though I sometimes do.

I still keep the pebble Surprise gave me. It reminds me of her. I look after it like it was alive, because that is what she wanted me to do. I will never forget her. And I will never forget the way my family used to be. They do not understand me any more. But I have the best friends a pony could wish for. I love them all.

I am not a sad pony. I am happy. I am Maud Pie.

Author's Note:

I was very young when two of my siblings died, too young to remember them well. But I still have vivid memories of the pain in my parents' eyes as we drove home from the hospital. That was more than twenty years ago, but as a family we've never really got over it. It's not something you ever can just 'get over'. We never talk about them. After their deaths my parents had four more children, but I always think of myself as being one of seven, not of five.

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