- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
CrimsonEquine
Improvement is a dire mistress.
CrimsonEquine
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- LucidDreamer · 34k words · 1,186 106 · 15k views
- videomaster21XX · 22k words · 175 17 · 3.7k views
- kalash93 · 30k words · 1,398 117 · 46k views
- ArDee · 13k words · 281 23 · 9.1k views
- TheOneAJ · 70k words · 141 12 · 3.5k views
- Gypsy Writefag · 10k words · 322 14 · 7.7k views
- Gypsy Writefag · 7.6k words · 635 37 · 20k views
- An Intricate Disguise · 14k words · 569 46 · 10k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.104 seconds
Total duration
619 users online
947,414 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Butt
This was really good, but also felt really rushed. It could use a run through with some better details and some scenes dragged out a little better.
10559072
how so?
10559218
Well it’s kind of hard to explain. It just feels “this happened, then this happened,” and there weren’t really all the juicy details that a clop story usually has. Not saying it was a bad story though, I really like it! I just think you could drag out the scenes a little more, add more details so the story has a little more depth. Especially in the actual clop scene, it was kinda just, “he mounted, and he finished.” Like there wasn’t all that extra stuff in between and building up that a scene like that usually has. If you really want to see what I mean, go read a story by ClopficsInTheComments, he does an astounding job at adding detail and I myself have learned a lot from it. 👍
10560890
Ok
When writing dialogue, try to imagine your characters having thier conversation as if they are in a room with you, or in a scene from a movie. Without any narration or description to distract you. Try reading it out loud.
If it doesn't work (and in this story it clearly doesn't), then you should probably re-write it.
Some might say that my complaint is invalid because this is a porn story. Well, it's a story where you subjected your readers to dialogue. And it's not fun, goofy or 'so bad it's good'. It's just grating and unnatural.
P.S. Consider reading more stories and see how other authors do things. Beggining, middle and end. Set-up, action, culmination, ending - all these parts of a story are important and there are plenty of guidelines on how to make them work.
10562948
I see, I've been working that out and it's been difficult, thanks for the help man I just need to know what sounds natural.
(just a person who wants to help)
i feel like the problem or the reason with the fact that your getting a high amount of dislikes is your style of writing
like for example you could of said "button slammed the table with his earth pony strenght .his fustration was reaching breaking point .time and before he had confessed what deep desires he had but it was always met with shock from Alaina ."but i need you" he said trying his level his best to make his mother understand.
10686473
With due respect, I respectfully added my own reiteration of your comment; With the strength of an earth pony, Button crashed the table. His level of annoyance was at an all-time high. He has revealed his deepest desires time and time again, but Alaina has always reacted in shock. " But I Need You!" he proclaimed, trying to make his mother understand as best he could.