For Want of a Nail
Everything hurt. "…stress to flight muscles, hairline fracture in the left ulna, and pinion loss; she's remarkably well intact for a filly traveling at over terminal velocity". 'Terminal? Isn't that like when you... die?' Opening her eyes was as much as Rainbow Dash could manage. A Mare with a stethoscope spoke to an uncomfortable looking Pegasus Stallion - Rainbow's flight coach... 'Zephyr uh-Something maybe?' Further back sat Fluttershy, looking distressed, and three idiots rounded out the gathering, mercifully lacking the smug smirks that had started this whole mess. 'Good, I couldn't give them the bucking they deserve right now if I wanted to.'
The tan one drew in a breath as if to speak. Fluttershy turned her head toward him. Exhaling quickly, he put his head down and didn't move again.
'He hit me! Son of a Buck rammed into me.' Grinning, Rainbow Dash slowed to regain control, 'hmm, my shoe's a little loose-' as her shoe fell, Dash saw Pink and Butter Yellow below. It was Fluttershy, plunging earthward. 'No, no no nonono...' far away, so close to the ground. Diving by instinct, a tight cone of air resistance threatened to keep Dash from reaching the plummeting pegasus. 'Oh... no... you... DON'T!' Rainbow cursed at aerodynamics. The laws of physics surrendered, Rainbow's contrail exploded into a halo of color - as she slammed into the ground.
"...ow Dash, can you hear me-" the Mare checked her clipboard and nodded "RAINBOW Dash!"
Jumping, Dash's awareness snapped back to her present. "Uh, yeah, that's me... what happened?" She addressed the adults.
"You crashed" the Mare replied flatly. She glanced and the Stallion.
"Ahem, yeah, Dash, you crashed into the ground, AFTER taking part in an unsanctioned, unmonitored race", the wide set eyes of the equestrian race almost let the Stallion glare at Dash and the three colts at the same time.
"But, but they were saying-".
Zephyr raised a hoof to ward off the oncoming justification, "hold on, you're not being punished - I think you realize why it was an irresponsible desci-" unexpected waterworks killed ‘Zephyr's’ scolding.
"She coulda died, I, I wouldn't have even noticed if I hadn't lost my shoe... and, and, and... nopony would have found her, and I let her fall - hay, maybe I even knocked her off in the first... I'm a bad-". 'Pink', 'oomph', and 'hug' were the three thoughts that interrupted Dash’s diatribe.
"I'm ok, it's ok," neither adult moved to stop Fluttershy as she gripped Rainbow's hoof between her own, whispering in a quiet clear voice. "You saved me, I thought I was going to hit the ground and you shot out of the sky - you hurt yourself trying to help me; nopony can say you're a bad pony for doing that."
Zephyr(?) scratched the back of his head as he let out an awkward chuckle, "all things considered, you have talent. With hard work and training, you could be an amazing aerobatic racer-"
"I.HATE.RACING!" Dash found the energy to sit up, "I hate it! Right now I don't even care if I never fly again", Fluttershy gasped and Rainbow relented. "Look, I can't... I don't, can we not talk about this right now?"
"Actually, I'm going to have to insist you not." the Medical Mare interjected, "this is more stress than I think is good for an injured filly to deal with. You can see that she is alright, and I'm afraid we won't know how long her convalescence will take - a month at least, those fractures mean she will be wearing a cast even after that. Now if you all will please follow me..." the voice trailed off as all the uninjured ponies were led out of the room.
Elsewhere, other fillies faced formidable oppositions of their own.
"A ROCK!? This can't possibly be my destiny! What's the deal horn?!", working herself into a state, the white unicorn filly glared at the big rock, daring it to show any redeeming feature - anything at all. It remained a rock, a big, dumb, ugly, stupid, and middle of nowhere rock. She gave it a buck, but only hurt her own hoof. Tears threatened.
"Radcliff, is that you - oh, hallo child." A khaki colored mare in a canvas coat, sensible boots, with a coal black tail climbed the lip of the slope, saddlebags clanking with tools. A sturdy parasol cloaked in emerald magic implied a horn under her sunhat. The clothing was sensible in the unrelenting dry heat and managed to convey an austere sense of style. The filly shook her head and tried to banish design considerations from her thoughts; 'Fashion has failed me... has...' "Oh, dear, yes, let it all out. I'm Amelia, by the by, and you ... look to be a long way from home."
"Dash it all, Hoofbody! Do you have to go racing into the jaws of danger at every conceivable opportuni-" the tall brown earth stallion in a stained and tattered cotton shirt seemed paralyzed by the foal’s tears - and the Mare's iron glare. "I... that is to say..."
"Augh, Mareson! Another shirt ruined! By Celestia herself you are anathema to clothing... Why did you bring the cart with you?"
Shocked back into sensibility, the stallion replied, "Oh, well, it... seemed like I'd need it for... deuced strange now that you put it to me, yes." He nodded towards the calming filly,"I suppose we shall be returning to Canterlot a little ahead of schedule then, Amelia?"
"It is the only decent thing we can do." Producing a kerchief to catch the last tears, the Mare addressed the Filly "Shall we try this again? My name is Amelia Hoofbody and this is my associate Radcliffe Mareson, we are pleased to make your acquaintance"
"R-rarity"
"Hwhat? is she asking-?"
"No, Radcliffe, I rather suspect that's her name"
"Oh, well then, jolly good. I say, young filly Rarity, do you know where your parents might happen to - oh no, please, you needn't start crying again!"
"I don't know where I am! I just wanted to find something, and then my horn, and I've been drifting for hours, days maybe - it was hard to tell - and when it finally stopped I was here and I" *hiccup* "I thought I would find my destiny, and maybe earn my cutie mark, and then it was just a huge rock, and that horrible shirt, and dirt EVERYWHERE, and there's no conceivable way I'd make it home in time for the play, let alone have time to fix the costumes," the words tumbled out. Regaining some measure of composure, Rarity looked up at the Mare Amelia, "Where am I?"
Eyes gleaming, the Mare explained "My associate and I are Archaeologists. This is the Valley of the Pony Kings, a site of great historical import in the early Pre-Classical era. We were searching for the Temple of the Sun - an ancient structure that may have marked the beginning of worship for the Great Pony Sisters," as the Stallion rolled his eyes, Amelia glared at him, "we have so far been unsuccessful and were packing up to leave. We'll take you to Canterlot with us, and from there I'm sure we can get home, safe and sound." Clear confidence radiated from the Mare’s smile.
'Canterlot!' Rarity's mood improved considerably. 'Now this whole adventure almost seems worth it somehow, but why do I still feel like something important didn't - no, I don't care, I challenged Fabulosity and it failed me; maybe it's time to look beyond fashion for my destiny... if only to see what I might have missed. CANTERLOT!' She giggled as she trotted after the Archaeologist Ponies.
"BBBFF?"
"Twiley! C'mere, I heard about... what's up?" the purple pony exuded as much determination as her filly frame could hold.
"Remember when your Guard application came in?"
"Of course, listen don't-"
"What was that other thing you were trying to do?" the unicorn filly was not going to be sidetracked.
"Are you talking about the Canterlot Civilian Conservation Corps?" Shining Armor was lost.
"Yeah, do you still have the application form?", Twilight asked, eyeing the conglomeration of paper and pens that constituted her brother’s desk.
"Right over... here it is. But talk to me sis, how are you?", Shining made one last attempt to steer the conversation.
"I'm, you know what? I'm ok - I'm not happy, but the world didn't end. They're not making me go back to m-magic k k... to my old school; Mom and Dad aren't disowning me."
"Well, that's a remarkably quick recovery", the adolescent colt playfully mussed his sister's mane, letting his breath when he realized he’d been holding it.
"I think I built it up in my head, a lot. I think I spend a lot of time in my head… Everypony's leaving; it feels like I'm standing still, you're going to be a guard, Cadence is going off to do princess things, and I'm too old to talk to Smarty-pants anymore. What if studying isn't helping me with my life?" Twilight's expression darkened," It hurts when I say that - but it doesn't fill me with terror like it would have before... and I think I need to explore what that means, maybe..."
"Maybe set hoof outside a library?" Twilight's glare made Armor raise his forehooves reflexively, "hey, c'mon now... you remember humor, don't you?" He returned to the subject of the conversation, “a-are you sure about this? I mean I'm all for you getting outside your shell, but you shouldn't just make huge decisions while you're upset, -"
"I'm NOT UPSET!" Twilight helped Shining back onto his hooves, embarrassed by her outburst "Eh heh heh hee... look, I studied, I practiced, I think I gave myself a pony migraine practicing channeling, and I still had No idea what I was in for with that test. It would have taken some sort of improbable miracle for me to be able to hatch... where did they even GET a dragon egg..." shaking her head, Twilight returned to her train of thought, "what I mean is, my encyclopedic knowledge of scholastics did nothing to help me. Maybe, maybe I need... what do you call learning something from physical experience without referencing pertinent study materials?"
"Wha-um," Shining’s brain floundered "do you mean ‘practical experience’?"
"Yeah, that. Also," she scuffed her hoof along the ground, lowering her head," I don't like how I reacted. Sure, I failed. I HUMILIATED myself in front of educators from Equestria's premier school of magic. But, that's just it: I humiliated MYSELF. It wasn't the test, I got so worked up they had to have somepony carry me out of the room. I don't like that about myself. It got me thinking, I've gotten worked up before, and after somepony gets me straightened out I'm ok. Well, that's the last time I'll do that, I say, SURELY next time I'll feel it coming and just let it go. But I don't, maybe won't. Argh, I'm frustrated with my frustration!"
"Ok, sis, here's the form. Just, make sure you talk to Mom and Dad, ok?"
"Ok, thanks for listening Shiny"
"Any time squirt, any time"
"Please, something, anything other that rocks - I just can’t take it anymore - this isn't how it's supposed to happen!" Rocks remained rocks, the sky remained clear and plain, and a pink pony remained... flat.
The day ended, a night passed, the new day dawned, and came to an end. A pink filly approached her austere brown elder. "Father, I would speak with you".
Clyde Pie turned to his youngest child, "Speak as you would, Pinkamena".
"I find myself... unhappy"
Confusion visited the older Pie's brow, "Unhappy? Have you had unpleasant words with your sistren?"
"Neigh Father, it is no fault of Inkamena or Blinkamena's - I am unsettled in myself, a sort of weariness."
"Indeed? Does the work tire you? Perhaps you feel a cold oncoming?", he searched his daughter’s visage for a clue to her unrest.
"Neigh Father. It is my spirit that feels... I," she lowered her head and mumbled, her reply rendered unintelligible.
"Words worth speaking must be said aloud. Repeat yourself that I may understand your pain, child." Concern and frustration wrestled upon parental brow.
The filly drew in a great breath, "I... am tired of rocks". The silence was deafening. "I-" a hoof raised to silence further speech.
"I shall speak with your Mother; we shall see what is to be done. Wash up and go to bed". Tired of rocks, how could a Pie even say such a thing? The stallion went in search of his wife, heart heavy for the disharmony he sensed coming.
“Cock-a-doodle-doo…", 'Mnope, it don’t help. I was so sure I’d find something when I came here, and now I was sure I’d find something looking out this window. Heh, wonder if my moral compass is broken?'
"Jacqueline dear, what are you looking at?"
Applejack sighed, "nothing Auntie Orange, nothin' a'tall."
"Dear, you simply must work on that accent of yours - it is an unfortunate truth of this world that you will first be judged by what other ponies see and hear of you."
'Y'mean what they kin find ta' ridicule?' Another sigh, 'this isn't what I imagined at all. ... but I can't just leave, that'd be insulting Aunt and Uncle. It'd mean I put Granny Smith an' Mac through trouble for no good reason. No, I came here, an' I have to find something about Manehattan that fits me, or I'm neither an Apple nor an Orange!'
The urban mare looked at her niece. She looks so much like Abigail at that age, I just know she’ll be a wonder wherever she ends up. Is she really happy here, or am I just projecting my hopes? “Perhaps I’ll show you a few of the… downtown amusements? All work and no play as they say."
“That would be nice I’m sure Auntie", ‘It's funny, I can feel the bridge of my nose when I talk like this.' “I’m fine … no, no I’m not. I looked stupid last night – how was I supposed to know fancy folk wouldn’t even know what a rooster is?" 'Well, this is gloomy,' “ Hay, if they don’t know chickens, how do they know how to cross a street?"
“Ah hahaha… you are such a gem. Don’t be embarrassed by your upbringing, Mother is the strongest and most honest pony I have ever known, keep the strength your family gave you and you will find the confidence to fit into any grouping you find yourself in."
“You know what? Thank you Aunt Orange, I think that’s just what I needed to hear. So what is this 'Poney Island' I’ve heard about?"
"Oh dear… "
Her first response was to laugh, she couldn’t help it. It started as a giggle, little more than a tickle in her throat, but it progressed to a guffaw and then she couldn’t even stay standing. She knew she should stop, knew this was inappropriate, but it was just too bizarre. Fluttershy was helpless before the absurdity of it all.
An irate blue filly, half mummified in stretch bandages did her best serious scowl. “Flutters, I’m serious, I think you need to try out for the cloud and sky team. You obviously need more practice, but I think you could be a good – hay, a Great – flier given half a chance". 'Great, now she’s laughing even harder… I didn’t want to, but I’ve got to get her to take me seriously.' Her expression smoothed, only her brow expressed her determination. “Besides, you owe me."
And as quickly as that, there was nothing to laugh about. Fluttershy rolled into a defensive crouch, tears brimming as she looked to see if this was the scene she had dreaded for a week now. "I, I know it was my fau-"
“DON’T FINISH THAT SENTENCE." 'Oh gosh, oh gosh, how do I do this?' Rainbow’s mind raced in several directions at once, “The race was a mistake. Putting you right in front of us on that tiny cloud was a mistake. Those were my decisions, and I was wrong…" 'keep it together,'
“You can’t accept responsibility for my mistakes, or bad luck. But… I can’t help you right now. Eventually those idiots are going to get over their sense of guilt, or some other punk’s gonna think they can push you around or laugh at you." 'Careful, careful… ' “You know how you feel when you see me like this?" Rainbow gestured with her restrained wings, “That’s how I feel when people hurt my friends. You, I don’t know. Look, it’s not like you invite people to pick on you, but you make it so Easy for them." Rainbow’s expression was a plea for understanding.
'I, I won’t cry. She can’t understand how much it hurts to hear her say these things.' “I-I’m sorry. I’m just no good at flying." 'How could I be? Every time I try to practice people laugh at me.'
“Hey, Shy? Please, look at me. I was practicing all the time. Hay, you know I was. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do anything besides the basic exercises. How can you know if you’re any good if you don’t even try?"
'You don’t see at all, do you?' “I… can’t. Everypony laughs at me. They always do, whenever I try. They can tell that I’m no good-“
“Buck them" the words slipped out, but Rainbow wasn’t embarrassed. “If they wanna laugh, they’re idiots. We’re all foals here, if they’re stupid jerks, don’t listen" Dash waved her hooves to interrupt Fluttershy’s objection. “No, really. It’s like… well ok, like a cloud. You can pass through it, like air, or you can treat it like a wall. It’s as solid as you choose to let it be." Confusion was reflected on the yellow pegasus’s face, “the taunts, the insults. They can be like air, stupid, noisy air you wouldn’t want to stay in, or they can be as hard as… as… the ground."
“Please, stop talking … if that’s ok with you. I don’t understand what you’re saying, but I do understand that this means a lot to you, for some reason. So… I’ll do it … somehow."
“That’s great! I already talked to the coach, he’ll let you practice when there’s nopony else out there, so you can get your strength up. I really think you can do this."
'Well, that makes one of us. But I’ll try, I can’t let my friend down.' Fluttershy didn't realize her face had become a mask of determination, so she thought her friend’s smile was just relief. Now that the confrontation was over, Fluttershy looked around the hospital room and noticed the pad of paper stuffed under the covers at the end of Rainbow Dash’s bed. “Oh, what’s this? … If you don’t mind my asking?"
“Oh, nothing. Nothing at all, really. Hehehe" Rainbow’s words weren't enough to stop her friend from uncovering the drawing pad and starting to flip through it. 'It's not my fault – it's sooo boring here! So boring that if the nurse hadn't finally thought to bring her the crayons and paper, I might have had to, ick, read something – or count all the holes in the ceiling… again.' With nothing much else to do, she’d ended up drawing a lot. She drew all the stuff she could imagine – there really are only a limited number of times you can draw the Wonderbolts without each picture looking the same, then she started drawing everything in the room, and then…
“I said, I really like some of these. Oh, did your hearing get hurt when you… crashed?"
“Huh? No… why?"
“Well, it just seems like you don’t hear ponies sometimes – I mean, that’s what it seems like, if that isn’t to harsh of me to say."
“I guess I’m just spending a lot of time in my head. Not something I do on a regular basis, you know? I’m more of an action mare."
“Oh, I hadn’t noticed. What, why are you staring at me?"
“I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve every heard you be sarcastic." Rainbow raised a hoof," for the love of the Sun, please, please don’t ruin it by saying ‘oh, I’m sorry’".
“Ok, sor… so, I was noticing you use a lot of color in your pictures. It’s … nice." Fluttershy’s eyes widened,"oh my goodness, I’m so sorry Rainbow – I completely forgot why I came to see you today, I have your homework. The doctor told the teachers that you’re well enough to start studying again, even if you can’t do the physical work yet."
'Ugh, you could have kept that forgotten.' “Thanks Shy; maybe I can keep banging my head against this math until one or the other gives out."
“Oh, um, Rainbow Dash?"
“Yeah, why do you look so serious? What’s up?"
“It would help me to try harder if I knew you were, too. I mean, if you want to. I mean I’ll go through the flight training if you give the schoolwork your best effort. I mean… no, that’s exactly what I mean." 'Stop it. Stop being so… wishy washy.'
“Is, is that a challenge?"
“…You know what, I think it is? What are you going to do about it?" Thought tentative, the smile was genuine.
Rainbow’s grin certainly was, “keep up your training and find out." Both friends laughed, it was nice to be able to do that again, freely.
*edit*
Finally got the time to read this. It's excellent, and I can see a lot of ways you could go with it. Tracking it, then, and such-- but if there's one thing you need, it's proofreading.
A nice story. I've actually been planning out my own story with a very similar premise.
You say this is your first story? I honestly have to applaud you then. The writing is excellent, the formatting good, and the characters almost believable.
The combined first persons view is difficult. You either need to pick a single character as your first person view, or use 3rd person. You get the thoughts from every character, distinct only in that it's next to their dialogue, but not between quotation marks.
Other than that, it's a great story. Hopefully, when I get around to writing my alternate universe, it won't have to compete with your work.
1168971
Thank you. I have written before, just not fiction. I read a great deal of fiction, and have spent more time than I care to remember running table-top RPGs
I may have top try something different for the character's internal thoughts in later chapters, but they will always be from the focus for that sub-section. I prefer my omniscience limited.
Edit: Holey moley, I didn't realize copy/paste removed ALL of my editing, I'm fixing it now.
Edit II: Now chapter 1 looks something like it was originally supposed to (8/29/12) Ha... see what limited sleep does for a person's ability to notice mistakes?
Truth be told I was afraid my work would be too similar to 'The Fluttershy Effect' after I saw the description for it, but it turns out we're going in different directions.
There are few truly original ideas, and every implementation has it's own character. Try reading 'What Technology Wants' (non-fiction by Kevin Kelly) for some fascinating historical precedence. Err, you don't have to
But don't be afraid to try something close to another work,a long as you know you'll cover new ground.
I think you meant canon (not cannon)
1169651 Indeed ser.
Thanks for the catch
Edit: and fixed.
1168906
Thank you for your honesty.
Anything in particular, our just systemic mistakes?
1171544
- I noticed quite a few mistakes with quotes (generic example: the spacing error in [ "The quick brown fox, "jumped over the lazy dog ] is especially recognizable with smart quotes)
- Capitalization
- Please, please, please italicize thought processes. Every time a story jumps into the first person from two separate perspectives from what was a limited third person perspective, three-- no, FOUR kittens die.
- Fragments, run-ons, etc.
Proofread. Proofread for the kittens.
looks and sounds very good, but will have to read later. i didn't sleep because i was taking care of a sick puppy.. i hope this is a good read
o_o
so... rarity and applejack swap
rainbow becomes like twilight and twilight and fluttershy both become athletic...hmmm i like so far
P.S. I am in no way saying that it looks like they will become exact clones of how the other was, just similar.
“Thanks Shy; maybe I can keep banging my head against this math until one or the other gives out.”
Rainbow does homework like me! *wishes I had a picture of myself saying '100% blueheartpegasus approved!'*
Just finished reading chapter 1. Love it! What a brilliant story.
The only thing is, there are an awful lot of typos. A beta, or just a more in-depth proofreading would do wonders.
Can't wait to continue
You ever hear about "A world without rainbows"? i read that, and this is sounding like that, only the alternate world isn't a world of evil ran by Nightmare Moon from what I can tell. There are some spelling miostakes, some of the quotation marks and in odd places, but this is your first story so some forgiveness is given.
Not bad, i shall continue reading.
1521239 Your tolerance is appreciated I haven't heard of that story, but I'll certainly have to look into it.
I recommend The Fluttershy Effect and Rainbooms and Royalty
1521239
>Says about spelling mistakes
>Spelt mistakes wrong
lol
It's good, but I saw a lot of capitalization errors; don't ask me to list them all, there are a lot
Brilliant idea you have here, it just needs a bit more polish. People have already mentioned the unneeded capitalization, but there is also the issue of ponies with human names. Peter Daniel Pie is a rather... odd name for a pony. Consider meeting someone (other than some hippie) named Fluttershy. Strange name for a person, right? Its even stranger for a pony to have names derived from Hebrew when the ponies don't share our history.
Other than those issues, I see nothing other than potential here (I wasn't really looking that hard and didn't major in English, so whatever).
1879625 let's just say that writing this story in an ongoing learning process for me
I really like this idea you have going here but...
What I don't get is that Rainbow still did the sonic rainboom yet Pinky, AJ, Twilight, and Rarity's stories conclude as if she hadn't. Could you explain?
1884550 The rainboom went off at the same time she hit the ground, instead of a shockwave it made a crater.
No magical shockwave of rainbow light, no beacon home, no geode busting, no mystic backlash. On the upside the explosion was enough to cancel Dash and Fluttershy's falling speed (well, most of Dash's), leaving them relatively unscathed by a several thousand foot fall.
Oh wow. Everypony's lives going completely differently...what an interesting concept. I'm going to have to investigate this further.
This chapter could do with a really good spit and polish, though. Grammar errors aside, sometimes it's just difficult to understand what's going on. I finally managed to realize that the explosion happened at ground level, thus not arcing across the sky. It took a few more re-reads to understand some of the other scenes too, such as Rarity's, Twilight's, and RD's.
It took some determination to get through this chapter (since I got seriously confused at what was happening in the beginning ) but I'm VERY glad I did , since this story is turning out to be very awesome. Time to read on...
Amelia Peabody reference is excellent.
Also, I like well written butterfly effect stories that map out how one initial change snowballs and you're off to a good start.
one word in this looks a bit out of place. Its probably cause I don't see it to often but "people" looks a little out of place to me. But its probably just me. Other than that great start for the story.
this looks... like a long day.
Damn
While I'm late to the party, allow me to say that this is written stupendously
You do a very plausible rendition of what could have happened if such a small thing had changed
Now to get to the rest
... Man you wrote alot
2836538>>2837922
Yeah... This is the story that refuses to end.
Anyone else get angry at the blue thing at the start of story for thinking it was just something accidentally highlighted? ... Only me?
2963196 No, happened to me too. I was like , but then i was all
You do realise this means Spike was NOT hatched by Twilight, if at all.
2963196>>2965629 Never even occurred to me, sorry for the confusion.
2968329 Keep reading to find out what it means...
Well, now this is interesting...
Oh, please tell me we hear more of this beautiful speech!
_So...Formal!_
Scene breaks seem more than a little jerky.
Surroundings are mostly left undescribed.
A bit too much dialogue, not enough thoughts.
While this is still an interesting story, I feel those points I gave are in want of adressing.
Love the concept. Love the execution. You didn't just swap the Elements, or haphazardly assign different talents. this seems VERY well thought out. It's a little... what to call it... preference? of mine when changes or additions are not just thrown slap-dashedly on, but are based on practical, or logical reasoning. It really feels like these paths, at least from what I've read thusfar, are plausible alternate lives given the lack of Rainboom. I look forward to reading more.
One more thing. Possibly my BIGGEST point to make. I LOVE the characterization. Along with the assignment (i hate calling it that... how about... new evolution?) of the six, you really made convincing character traits out of them. It doesn't just feel like they suddenly became characterized by the traits they seem to be heading towards, but they still seem to have the sort of characteristics and idiosyncrasies they would have had pre-Rainboom. Especially Pinkie. I love the way you wrote her (as little of her as there was in chapter 1.) I like that she's not the bouncy-trouncy-funfunfunfunfun Pinkie we know from the show, but pony truly struggling with a lack of emotional outlet. (Side note, I love the way the Pie family speaks. very... formal. Very fitting.)
3281793 yeah these are pretty much my same thoughts. The concept of this story seems really cool. But something about the writing style just leaves me confused about what is going on. I'll read a few more chapters and see if I can get used to it.
... Huh. Okay, so I'm guessing because of where/when the Rainboom happened, it wasn't high enough in the sky for it to bloom across Equestria where the others could see it because it was much much closer to the ground... Wow, that actually sounds totally legit! Let's do this!
this is such a good story, even though this is only the first chapter!!!!!!!!!
Glad I found this when it was finished, now I can read through all of it at once over a few days.
GOOD MERCIFUL GOD THIS IS GOOD......and this reminds me i musdt finish milenium wake............pinkie AI gave depression
I have your homework. The doctor told the teachers that you’re well enough to start studying again, even if you can’t do the physical work yet."
'Ugh, you could have kept that forgotten.'
*snerk*
So, Pinkamena will become an Addams?
What is this, Shakespeare?
No clue why, but this is hilarious.
Heh.
So far so good.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2665_medium.jpg
I see what you did there
6212887
Aha, now I see it too!
Needs ending punctuation.
And the last three lines need spacing.
_______________________
Space between lines.
_________________
than
_____________
Re-reading this. It's still as great as I remember it ^_^. Although I'm still eagerly awaiting a sequel. Mostly because I wonder how Scoots will turn out with Dash in this fic, as well as if Dash get's back into flying / competitions. This has the potential to be an amazing series. With lots going on for it. Albeit I can only remember bits and pieces.
6015925
Early fanon, and even to a rather large degree canon. Has the Pie family speak in an Amish / colonial american dialect. Do using speech like that isn't Shakespeareian as much as it is simply a dialect they are known for.
I like this beginning, its a good set up and shows just what one tin alteraztion can do to the entire timeline.
A beautiful start
Oh my God, I never would've expected a Pac-Man reference, of all things! That is awesome!