For Want of a Battle
2/5
Shining Armor considered the situation. 'Oh mare, we are so screwed.' Assessment over he looked up in disbelief as not only was the Princess not here, but inky blue smoke with twinkles in it had enveloped the balcony where Her Majesty was supposed to be. 'Oh, it's forming into a pitch black armored Alicorn, with... dragon eyes? Sure, why not? Oh Mare, that laugh has crazy written all over it.'
There was Rainbow 'Trouble', just watching and taking everything in. She ... was holding Hurricane back? The Buck? And of course his sister thought this was a great time to continue her inexplicable feud with the Apples by feeding apples to Orangejack or whoever. Rarity was, as ever, talking - although under the circumstances that reassured him somehow.
"Seize Her!" Shouted the Mayor. 'What? This is obviously a near godlike being and you want to arrest-oh, ouch, they're going to feel that in the morning when they... oh, right, no mornings anymore.' The fact that he wasn't feeling more panicked concerned Shining Armor. 'Oh horseapples, she's doing the cloud thing again, I've got to-'
Twilight stopped trying to keep the mares around her from getting their fool-pony selves killed - especially Miss Apples'nOranges - to stare in horror as her brother tried to cast a Containment Shield Spell on the Goddess of the Night. The way the Nightmare casually struck him down with a fourth lightning bolt was the worst part. No, the way he looked so hopeless, like he'd knew it would happen was the worst - no, the boneless way he flopped over was - there was no NOT WORST part. "Nag Must DIE!" She roared. By the time she had coaxed life back into the dead timber of the meeting hall, the horrible thing had fled like the cowardly Brother Hurting Monster she was.
Diane concentrated on the task in front of her. 'Pulse is regular, no obvious signs of burn, meaning it was more magic than weather. Rest will be the best cure for this. What is Twilight... oh, I didn't know she could do that. Hmm, that's going to cost her, I bet.' The three fillies huddled under the table were none the worse for harm and could provide each other comfort until their parents were able to calm themselves and retrieve the children. Now to see who was still competent enough to help sort this out...
Jackie managed to spit the darn apple out, making a quick apology to her parents for wasting a perfectly good apple - but really it was the stupid... 'Hey, isn't that feller there her brother? If, if somepony did that to Mackintosh I'd...' She shifted from one scowl to another as she reached out and placed out a hoof and placed it firmly on the purple unicorn's shoulder - noting the glow that was dying off from Twilight's eyes. "Hey, I think we've got some flank to kick."
Of course she'd apologized immediately, but 'Mare! Old Fluttershy wouldn't have ever had the nerve to off and kick somepony. It's almost worth getting hit - oww, not really.' She subconsciously put a hoof to her jaw as her grin widened. 'Did I really say nothing ever happened in this sleepy little town? May Celestia herself strike me down for lying - oh, yeah, we gotta go rescue her so she can. Heh, this is what I call a party.'
'Oh, I must have hit her really really harder than as hard as I didn't mean to hit her in the first place. She's doing that thing where she stares off into space again.' Unfortunately there wasn't anything she could do for Rainbow, maybe she could end the entire problem if she could catch the monster now. She leapt to flight and raced out the doors to find that she couldn't see any sign of the evil cloud, although she did see a bright white unicorn running toward the town library. 'Interesting, what do you know that the rest of us don't?'
'Spike, bed. Books, I need lots and lots of books. The answer HAS to be here somewhere. Where did I put that copy of-' The front doors burst open as the crashing Hurricane-shy pony flew in and landed right in front of her. "What do you know about that thing? You knew her name. Are you a Spy?" the Pegasus quizzed her.
"What!? How could I be, no!"
"Oh, darn."
"Wait, what?"
"When I saw you traveling around town today with Celestia's Organizer Stallion I thought maybe you were some kind of tax assessor or something, but when you seemed to know what was going on at the Celebration, I thought maybe there was some special task-force Celestia had organized to fight off big mean monsters."
"We should be so lucky. No, I am a researcher. While researching... other things I came across some very disturbing predictions that simply stopped being discussed in texts some several hundred years ago. The sum result of what I've been able to piece together is the existence of a 'Second Alicorn' whose powers diametrically oppose Celestia's."
"Well, heck, that sounds serious. Can ya' give us all the short version?" Jackie drawled as the other three ponies filed in, Twilight and Jackie carrying Shining Armor as Diane made sure he didn't fall from his precarious perch.
"If I must, I suppose a quick summary might help me compose my thoughts. Here goes: Nightmare Moon used to be tasked with bringing on the night so that Celestia could do more during the day - but the Moon Mare became jealous that everypony preferred the daytime to run and play and generally be awake. Night-mare felt she was being slighted since ponies did nothing but sleep during the night-" Why did the mad blue pegasus have her hoof raised?
"Uh, that's not the only thing Ponies do at night. Or, uh, so I've heard."
"Well dear, when we track Nightmare Moon down again, perhaps you can ask her."
"Oh, question: so was she actually trapped IN the moon, like disembodied, or was she trapped ON the moon as oh, maybe like a cute adorable filly?" Jackie asked.
"Wwhat? First of all what difference does it make, and secondly who would ever do the second? That's just in-equine!" Rarity's tolerance for nonsense was running out.
"You're getting distracted. Goals, weaknesses, and strengths we can anticipate." Diane tried to steer the conversation back to the useful.
"I.Was.Getting.To.That..". *sigh*, "I'm ok, I'm ookaay. We can expect shapeshifting, obviously, from her last performance. She seems to be able to summon bolts of force, although we've only seen her use them and medium range." She fended off another question from Rainbow Dash.
"By which I mean between fifteen and fifty strides, give or take, although I wouldn't bet your life on it." The academic began to pace, finding her stride.
"Celestia can be wounded, so if it comes to it, so probably can the Night-mare. Her goal is as simple as it is insane, she wants to have an eternal night. Within weeks we will fall into a winter that will eventually recreate the crisis of Hearthwarming Eve pageants, but without the touchy-feely solution at the end. Windigos can be banished, thermodynamics is not nearly so forgiving."
"So, short version: if we don't stop her now there is no stopping her, and if she bleeds we can kill her. That right?" Rarity nodded grudgingly at Rainbow Dash. "Ok, let's show this Prehistoric Nag how we do things in this town!"
"And if she doesn't 'bleed'?" Twilight asked, her tone icily quiet. She turned back to Rarity, "She was beaten once before, right? What did they use then?"
"The Elements of Harmony, a powerful artifact of Ponykind that hasn't been seen since. I came here looking for a reference that-"
"Elements of Harmony, a Reference Guide." Diane read from the spine of an aged book.
"How did you-oh, Alphabetic Sorting, right. Thank you, that was very helpful of you. Now, reading."
'Actually I've been reading the name on every binding since you finally decided to tell us something useful but your explanation is obviously more acceptable.'
One recap filled fifteen minute summary later, the six ponies found themselves on the edge of-
"The Everfree Forest?" They all said in hushed tones. Yes, the Everfree Forest, home to a hundred legends and ghost-pony stories, land where plants grew without supervision, animals fed themselves and on each other, and the weather simply happened all by itself.
"Right, I'll scout out the temple-castle thing and be ba-" Fluttershy found herself held by her tail for the second time that night, "um, is this going to be a continuing thing? Because, you know, I could just lift you up into the air and fly with you hanging there - I can do that."
"Just tryin' ta get your attention. Don't split th'party."
"Oh for the love of! Is this another one of those 'we all reinforce the weaknesses we each have' speeches? That's horse-pucky!" Rainbow ranted.
"Why yes, Rainbow Dash, this IS one of those 'We are far stronger as a Team' conversations. Why, are you afraid to trust somepony else to catch you-" 'Brr, twin cold glares.' Rarity found herself unable to continue under the glare of both pegasi.
"Practically speaking, flying above tree level would leave you open to any traps hidden below tree cover, our opponent could see you coming from a great distance, and without any companions, nopony would ever know if anything happened to you. I for one do not approve of throwing away the life of a pony in such a manner." Diane glanced around her, uncomfortable with all the attention she was receiving. "What? It's true."
Nearly a minute went by without anypony saying anything. Twilight was the first to speak, "I've been thinking, and while I'm still really angry, revenge isn't a good reason to do this. I want to take care of this problem because there won't be a world if this goes on. I'm going. What about the rest of you?" She put her hoof out towards them.
A blue hoof gripped purple. "I'm in. I... I owe too many ponies too much to walk away from this."
Fluttershy joined the grip, "If I can do anything to help, I've got to, for everypony."
"The only sensible solution is to solve this dilemma before any lasting damage is done." A pink hoof joined.
"I've seen a fair portion of this world, and even if it weren't worth saving for itself OR my family, what fun is there in a big old ball of ice, I ask you?" Jackie pitched in.
"Can we Please go defeat the monster now? I have ponies I care for and ones that I want to squash, but if any of them dies that all ends." Rarity didn't realize the trap until the hoofmeet transformed into a group hug. 'Argh! Just. Be. Patient... they'll have to start moving eventually!' Rarity slumped to the ground.
"Hey, c'mon Marshmallow, you're slowing us down!" Jackie teased, jumping out of hoofstrike distance and laughing as the group entered the foreboding forest of death with light hearts and steely determination.
Excellent work.
Just a suggestion, but you may want to use the strip of color to delineate who is the focus of a section, rather than the full cutie mark. As much as I just love looking at my artwork, it takes up a full paragraph of space.
Also, if I see either of the unicorn cuties again, I'll have to revise them to look more natural.
1230511 If Rarity's lost the lines and had all the gems be the same size it'd be a standard G1-pattern cutie mark.
1229663
1230511 noted, I'll fix it later today.
Edit: and fixed, Battle1 & 2 are easier to look at now
Over 200 readers?As long as you ponies are reading,
I can't
I won't
& I don't
Stop
Hmmm...no thoughts from Twilight concerning her injured brother?
1232159 None printable, at least Between paralysis and blind rage, some choose suppression.
1232170
1230624 I don't want it to stop.
MOAR,NEED MOAR
"Ok, let's show this Prehistoric Nag how we do things in this town!"
Who are you going call? Nightmaremoon-busters!
1256700 ... pun hell to you.
I love the changes in their personalities. They're subtle, but definitely there. For example, Fluttershy still being really shy, but tougher. Rainbow Dash still being arrogant, but more girly, etc.
I love this.
Woonstuck reference, called it
Okay, gotta ask this, did Jackie just made a Moonstuck reference there?
1335993 eeyup
Okies! So here's where I dispense some actual practical advice, using some text from your chapter. It's about punctuation making things clearer.
Shining Armor considered the situation. 'Oh mare, we are so screwed.' Assessment over he looked up in disbelief as not only was the Princess not here, but inky blue smoke with twinkles in it had enveloped the balcony where Her Majesty was supposed to be.
I think that perhaps you needed a line break before 'Assessment', but the more pressing issue is that you've missed a critical place for a comma, and that affects the readability. To clarify the action, you should have written "Assessment over, he looked up in disbelief..." because without the comma, it seems as if you're saying the assessment is over something. So, yeah, there's that.
and
...the horrible thing had fled like the cowardly Brother Hurting Monster she was. While not necessarily the most incorrect thing in the world (and most people wouldn't even notice, really), the correct way to phrase the adjective is "brother-hurting". With a dash. Coz dashes are awesome (especially if they're Rainbow Dashes. Bad joke, I know
They totally weren't the only things to point out, nor the most pressing issues, but just a couple of less-noticeable things to pay attention to in the future.
we've only seen her use them and medium range
I wouldn't bet your life on it." "Celestia can be wounded
1. At.
2. Unnecessary quotation marks since it's the same person (pony) talking.
What you did there, I see it.
3321216 Jackie's been on Tumblr.
Well, I think I love Jackie sense of humor.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10122-tumblr_m65ber0AFV1r0567co2_250.gif
Why does Diana remind me of a female ponified Spock?...
I always can't help but read her lines in the same kind of mono-stone Spock always spoke in.. But that doesn't seem like the only reason... Hmm....
I see what you did there
6177791
Because she in essence is a ponified Spock, with latent reality warping powers.
Although now that you mention it, I've read her lines the same way ... I really want to see her Vulcan Nerve Pinch a pony in the sequel now. That'd be awesome.
Once again, looking at two chapters at once, really gives the whole story a wonderful perspective. I find it interesting that rarity's meetings with the five were disticntly...Rarity. This wasn't just 'Rarity in Twilight's role" this was Rarity. She treated her meetings with poist and grace, with class. The fact that Shining was there added some unique dimesnions to it as we get to see some great sibling moments. The others were also uniquely them, with Fluttershy's soft side holding out over Dashies personality.
I liked how Shining armor alos established the differences between the univeres, with how each somehow taking thier roles but from diferent approaches. Also done well was the friendship moment at theend
Thank you Sugarcoat, I mean Pinkie.
Macintosh. No K.
No capitalizing the p in ponies.
Space after each period and put the last period after the other 2 if you're trying to do an ellipses.
Them AT medium range.
Thermodynamics ARE not.
No capitalizing the P in please.