The Alicorn Warrior
Written by iAmSiNnEr
Edited by Skittlebug
Edited by Speccer
Co-authored by computerneek
Chapter-Prologue
The winds blew around her, going so fast they whistled in her ears. The sand blew into her eyes, and her attempts to keep the sand out were in vain. Her throat, parched from days of trekking the unforgiving desert, hurt. She dragged her hooves along, and struggled to keep her mind clear, always looking at the horizon to watch for a city or town she could stay at. But as always, for the past few days, all she saw was sand.
The sun glared angrily at her, seemingly reflecting Celestia’s anger. Her wings hung limply by her side, and she could barely lift them up, let alone fly. Twilight’s hooves ached, she really needed rest. She sat down and looked around her with bleary eyes. She had barely gotten any sleep for the past few days, always needing to keep the makeshift fires burning so that the wolves wouldn’t get her.
Like the past few days, she summoned her magic, and cast a spell to draw out water. The spell drained almost half of her magic reserves before she was able to get a few mouthfuls; the desert was that dry. Twilight didn’t complain. She kept silent, as her hooves took a break. For the first time in days, she remembered what happened back in Ponyville that had led to this happening. It would take a long time to remember everything, but she needed the rest anyways.
Twilight watched as Starlight waved goodbye to her friends. Starlight had immediately taken to them, which wasn’t hard as they were easy going and had been nothing but nice to Starlight since she had been announced as Twilight’s newest student. Granted, Rainbow had been a bit apprehensive about it, and didn’t trust Starlight yet, but Twilight had assured her that Starlight had reformed. After that, Rainbow had slowly warmed up to her.
Twilight yawned. It had been a long day, after all, what with fighting Starlight several times in different timelines. Her magical reserves had been drained and were almost empty.
“Starlight, your room’s this way.” Spike was leading Starlight to her room. It was bare, but it had the essentials—a bed and a desk. In time, Starlight would fill it up with memories, but that was for later lessons. Twilight was already looking forward to planning all the friendship and magic lessons that she would teach Starlight. She yawned again. Trudging up the stairs, she collapsed into her bed. Suddenly, her door opened.
“Twi’! Princess Celestia sent a letter!” Spike entered the room, and he was out of breath after climbing all of the stairs. What was so urgent that her mentor had to send it late at night? She thanked Spike, and walked him back to his room, before retiring back to her room to read the letter. Twilight unfurled it with her magic, and read it.
My… faithful student.
It has come to my attention that you were using a large amount of time magic, and I felt it shake the foundations of Equestria. Did I not tell you the dangers of it the first time you asked about it? I am very disappointed with your actions. Starswirl locked away all of his scrolls containing time magic for a reason. You could have caused a catastrophe! Because of this, I have come to a decision. This letter is imbued with a spell. I will know when you have read this. When you read this, I will teleport to you, and tell you what I have planned. Know this, I am more disappointed with you than I have ever been in my life.
Your Princess,
Celestia.
As Twilight read the letter, a flash of white magic blinded her. Princess Celestia stepped out of her teleport, and looked around at Twilight with- was that anger and disappointment in her eyes?
“Twilight.” It was an unfriendly statement, unlike her mentor’s usual friendly ‘Hello, Twilight’. Twilight had read the letter and knew why she was here. She opened her mouth to try to explain, but Celestia’s magic clamped her mouth shut. “I do not want to hear any excuses, Twilight.” Celestia’s eyes burned with unforgiveness.
Twilight was afraid. Her mentor had never gotten this angry before, not even when she had accidentally blown up her room when she was a filly.
“The amount of time magic you have used was too much. I felt it from Canterlot, and it shook the foundations of our very world. As a punishment, I have decided to banish you. You do remember the mare I banished in front of you as an example, don’t you?” Twilight’s eyes widened. The magic around her mouth released.
“Nonononono, Princess, it wasn’t me who-” Princess Celestia’s eyes bore into her.
"I have lived for over 1,000 years, and in that time no pony other than Starswirl has learned to exploit time on their own to any significant degree. It is only you, my student, with access to such knowledge, who can do so." Twilight opened her mouth to butt in at that, but Celestia was adamant. "Do not lie to me Twilight Sparkle — you've done this before, and now this utter catastrophe originates from your home!? Murder trials have been decided on less!" Celestia began to wildly gesticulate her right forehoof. "You're shaking the foundations of our world, and I'm left to sew the rifts in time and space! These are forces you're not meant to play around with! This is not some puzzle for you to solve; you are betraying the safety and security of the world as we know it, and I am completely done with you." Her hoof slams into the crystal floor with all the might of a goddess, and with a booming crack everything burns white.
When Twilight blinked away the white spots in her eyes, all she saw was the desert. She couldn’t even see Equestria’s borders anymore! She looked around her frantically. There was nothing but sand. So what she read about banishment was true. The spell was a randomised teleport, and it would deposit her randomly outside of Equestria. The banishment spell essentially erased all magical traces of her in Equestria, and the ancient magic that protected Equestria would not allow her back in.
Twilight struggled to her hooves. She had to find a town or city so that she could send a letter back into Equestria to her friends and family for help pleading with Celestia. For now, all she could do was survive. She shivered. It was late at night, and the desert was chilly at night, due to the lack of clouds. She had to build a fire, or she would freeze to death. It took the better part of an hour before she was able to gather enough dead bushes to build a small fire. With her horn, she cast a small fire spell. The fire devoured the dead bushes hungrily, burning into the dry vegetation.
A wolf howled. Twilight jumped in fright. She had read about the desert wolves before. In the book, it said to not approach them, as they had powerful jaws and their coat was impervious to most magic, except for fire and lightning. It was a good thing she had built a fire, then. The fire would keep away the wolves. The dead bushes were being consumed faster than she liked. Twilight looked at the ever dying fire and sighed. Her magic was almost depleted, but she could do this. She transformed a huge chunk of sand into a pile of firewood, and set that on fire too. Now her fire was a roaring blaze, and it kept her warm.
Twilight remembered a book that she had read—Basic Survival 101. In it, it had detailed how to create a small alcove in the sand so that she could curl up comfortably in it. She dug into the sand, creating a small alcove. Twilight curled up in it. As she closed her eyes, trying to fall asleep, another wolf howled. This time, it had been closer. Twilight was afraid now. She evidently couldn’t fall asleep, as if the fire burnt out while she was asleep, the wolves would attack. She wanted to live long enough to return to Equestria. She sighed. It was going to be a long night.
Twilight struggled to her hooves. It was dawn, and the wolves were gone, having slipped away when the first vestiges of light began to shine upon the desert. During the night, she had ascertained that it was the Badlands that Princess Celestia had sent her to. The Badlands was the only place a desert this big existed, and also one of the only places that the desert wolves lived. But the fact that it was the Badlands heartened Twilight. She knew that in the Badlands, several towns and cities had sprouted up, built by banished ponies, and their descendants. She could seek shelter in one of these towns, and try to contact her friends and family in Equestria.
As she trudged through the desert, she realised she was hungry. Twilight looked around her. Barely any vegetation grew in the desert, so she decided on flying to try to find some food. She opened her wings and flapped. Before long, she was soaring over the desert, scanning for a town or an oasis she could rest at. As she flew, she saw nothing. Nothing but sand. Slowly but surely, the hours slipped by. Her wings grew leaden, and they could barely flap anymore. She glided down to the ground, and collapsed. She had never flown that long before. She desperately needed water to drink
Twilight focused her magic, and cast a summoning spell that targeted water. Almost three-quarters of her magic reserves were depleted before a few mouthfuls worth condensed into a ball in front of her. Twilight released the spell, concentrated on levitating the ball of water, and began drinking greedily. Not a few seconds later, the water was gone. It was approaching night, and she began preparing as she had done the night before.
The wind howled. Twilight spun around and peered out into the distance.
Was that... a sandstorm!
Twilight immediately gathered up everything with her magic. Transfigured logs or not, it took a lot of magic to get those logs, and she was not about to waste them. The sandstorm howled in the distance, heading for her with a speed greater than any winds during a storm in Equestria. She scanned the area around her. The desert presented no hiding spots. She grimaced. This would take a lot of magic, but she was not looking forward to spending any time in a sandstorm.
Using her magic, she lifted a huge amount of sand up, creating a small hole that she could stay in. As she levitated the sand up, she cast a spell to transfigure the sand into planks of wood and lowered them over the hole as she hopped into it. With a final anti-elements shield over the wood planks, she curled up in a ball, waiting for the sandstorm to pass.
Throughout the night, the wind howled and bit into her, and sand flew everywhere in her makeshift shelter. The sandstorm raged above her, trying to get to Twilight.
“Skrrrrt,” a noise came from the corner of her shelter.
Twilight blearily turned her head, scanned for the source of the noise. A small desert bug had just burrowed into the shelter. Its wings were torn, possibly from the sandstorm raging above. Twilight tilted her head. The desert bug looked at her warily, staying away from Twilight, yet trying to get as close to the makeshift fire as possible.
Twilight considered the bug. She was no Element of Kindness, but she could do this. Lighting her horn, she cast a spell on the small desert bug to repair its wings. The bug squeaked as it felt the magic run across its spine, but calmed down when it realised that its wings were repairing. The wings knit together, and membranes grew in places where there were holes. The desert bug squeaked and flapped its repaired wings.
“Skrrrrt!” It chirped in joy as it flew around the makeshift shelter. Twilight smiled. She had been able to bring joy to something in the barren desert. Finally, the desert bug settled down, and scooted closer to the fire. It was still wary of Twilight, but it understood that Twilight meant it no harm. Twilight smiled once more, and finally fell asleep for the first time in three days.
Wolves howled. It was the eighth night, and Twilight was even more hungry than before. She had been able to get water using a spell, but food had been scarce unless she wanted to eat the insects that lived in the desert, which she didn’t. They reminded her too much of the desert bug she had met a few days ago. Speaking of which, it had disappeared the morning after, but it did leave a leaf behind. Twilight had appreciated the gesture, small as it was.
The wolves howled again, closer than before. Today was the first time she had caught a glimpse of one of the wolves. It had stared at her from the gloom with blood-red eyes, before Twilight had chased it away with a burning stick.
Twilight shivered. The wolves had been getting braver by the day, coming closer and closer. She had barely been able to keep them away with burning logs spread around her.
Suddenly, a log burned out.
A growl, and a wolf leapt forward over the burnt log. Twilight’s eyes widened, and she dodged as the wolf attempted to bite into her. Panicking, she cast a quick fireball spell and tossed it into the wolf. The wolf howled in pain, and leapt away. Twilight hurried to replace the burnt out log with a fresh burning log. As she levitated a new burning log over to the empty space, she saw three desert wolves staring at her, hungrily licking their lips.
Twilight rubbed her eyes. Another mirage! For the past few days, she had been seeing several mirages, and every time she saw one, she would rush towards it in joy, only to find out that it was a fake image.When she had seen a shimmering oasis in the distance, she had trudged wearily towards it, only to find that it was another mirage.
She sighed. She had not drunk water for the past few days, as she had been trying to build up her magic reserves. Her wings sagged by her side, and Twilight had not found the time to preen them. Feathers hung out and at this point, they served no purpose other than to keep Twilight warmer at night, she was that tired. She also sprouted a few scratches on her hooves from the desert wolves. She had burnt one pretty badly in defense, but the rest were more wary of her now, and only attacked when she was nodding off. The wind had gotten stronger the past few days, and more often than not the sand blew into her eyes. The sun felt hotter than before, but Twilight dismissed that as a wild thought from the days wandering in the desert.
It was the thirteenth day and Twilight could take no more. She collapsed on the desert floor, and closed her eyes, wishing with all her heart for a miracle to drop out of the sky and save her from the pain that she had endured from both hunger and the scratches from the desert wolves. Twilight opened her eyes blearily and stared out ahead. She blinked. Was that a town ahead of her? It seemed to be teeming with ponies and… were those griffins? A circular structure was erected behind the town, and it loomed over the town. Twilight tried to rise, but her hooves gave out under her.
So close, but of course, I can’t reach the town. Twilight thought bitterly. Definitely not a mirage, since mirages can’t fake life, and I can see the griffins and ponies. Twilight felt her consciousness slipping from her grasp. She sighed, and slowly closed her eyes. As her mind began to shut down, a shadow loomed over her, and a claw extended into her vision before everything went black.
Its got some good potential keep up the good work
So was your first draft from a 1st person perspective or did you just miss these in editing?
The pace is a bit fast but I really like the premise of this one, could be reeeeeeeaaalllly good if you work at it!
10327988
thanks! ill edit this in. it was a 1st person originally and im having a friend read it but ill miss some parts :D
It's a good story I hope you will continue it
10327992
That's cool, the only other issue I can pick at without venturing outside my expertise is that, particularly in the latter half of the chapter you've left in a space between quotation marks and the first words after them.
Just to grab a random example, although honestly that just seems like something to double check in the next chapters, other than that it just seems to be a bit fast paced/sparse on the details, but that kind of thing is largely down to the reader.
Either way I hope you continue this and that you can make it worth the read!
Quite interesting. I look forward to the next chapter.
twilight: ragnarock
is this going to be a story where twilight makes a better kingdom away from equestia or one where she is a traveling warrior? either way im curios how this goes
10328064
maaaaaaaybe
Love the idea, and can't wait to see where it goes!
Pretty sure Twi will murder Celestia when she gets back.
You’re right, this does need some editing, but it’s your first story, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Maybe after you gain some experience, come back and sift this chapter for small mistakes?
Just a quick tip, to make it easier for the reader, maybe don’t put an extra space before the “”?
Love the idea though, definitely tracking and can’t wait for the next chapter, keep up the good work!
10328228
thanks been tryna polish it up while writing chapter 1, will take note of that and edit that in when chapter 1 comes out
You have my attention.
This looks promising. A bit rough but understandable as it's your first story. I'd recommend getting a proofreader or editor to help with polish. Regardless I'll keep an eye on this one.
Well, that's some serious summary judgement. Until given another plausible explanation, I'm going to assume this was Starlight's evil backup plan, enacted before she started time traveling to ensure Twilight got screwed over even if she lost. Debatable whether she still intended it to happen after she made peace with Twilight in the past, however.
Normally I wait for a story to have at least a few chapters before I track it but I'll make an exception on this story.
The idea for the story seems really good, though I would recommend trying to maybe say some of the lines out loud just to make sure it sounds right as some of the dialogue seems a tad choppy. Not criticism but a little trick that helped me pass English class.
10328262
thanks!
If what you present here to be true, you will have me for the story. Can't get enough Banishment AUs
An under used concept that I like. My advice though is to slow down a bit. This one chapter could have easily been stretched out to a good 4,000 words. Go into detail about the environment, or maybe go a bit into a couple of events that occurred in those days she was wandering the desert. Being banished from your home country so abruptly is bad enough, but also to such inhospitable conditions is sure to cause emotional trouble. The description for this story implies to me that she will either be bitter or outright refuse to return to equestra. Now is the time to start building that emotions upheaval. Maybe while wandering the desert she collapses and starts to cry, or after this first fight assuming she kills her opponent, she will probably have an emotional episode in her cell.
Just a few suggestions to stretch out the chapter length and add more depth to twilight and justify any anger with celestia later on.
So on a scale of 1 the utterly how fucked is Celastia
So assuming that Starlight i actually redeemed, she'd very likely try to inform Celestia that it wasn't Twilight that used the time travel magic. If that's the case, then why would Celestia and the rest wait a long time to try and bring Twilight back?
So is this gong to be every day?
And how large are the chapters going to be?
This looks really interesting. I hope this doesn't fall into the rush that traps a lot of stories like this. At least unless there is a timeskip.
10328364
I would imagine a timeskip will be coming at some point.... I don't find going through 40 or so chapters before it's found that she's innocent entertaining.... Maybe a few chapters taking place at various points in time?
It's an interesting premise, I must say. I agree that it feels a bit rushed, so maybe take some more words into explaining the environments, the events, etc. Also, I would recommend not using the present tense, speaking from personal experience. The thing with the present tense is that it becomes a hell of a work for you and—if you have one—your editor. The present tense is inherently unstable as it requires you to constantly describe things as they change, not to mention having to distinguish sentences that should use the present tense from the ones that should use the past tense.
10328372
to answer your question, a timeskip is imminent, and afterwards there'll be a few flashbacks. it all depends
Considering this is your first story? Dang that's a good start. In all honesty, though, I will probably not read past this first chapter as it is a bit rougher than I prefer. I do, however, want you to keep writing and grow as an author, because if this is any indication, then you could really go places.
If I were to offer advice for this story, it would be essentially what 10328281 said. Don't be afraid to take some time and have Twilight look at her surroundings, have the reality of her situation sink in. Spend some time with her traveling through the desert, what does she see and what is she thinking? How did she find Equestria so quickly?
What about the pit fight, would Twilight really be so quick to try and kill another pony, which goes against all of her ideals? And would the runner of said fights be so quick to risk his newest prize? Maybe start her off with some animal fights, show her descent as she learns to see her opponent as a mere obstacle instead of a living being.
I do realize that this is a lot, especially for a new writer, but these are things a reader wonders. I don't expect you to do a complete rewrite or anything, but just some stuff to think about as you continue onward. Also, if you're serious about writing, I would highly recommend checking out Viking ZX's blog posts titled Being a Better Writer. They are an amazing collection of resources and really well put together. Hope at least something here helps, and have a good one mate.
10328395
That is.... Essentially the most popular way of implementing my theory in a way that makes narrative sense.
10328401
thanks for the advice, prologue is undergoing rewrite but the main things will be there still.
10328281
thanks. will implement your suggestions.
I want more !!!
I see that avatar and am thinking of a different author here.
10328372
Yeah I forgot about the opposite too. Going way too slow is the other pacing problem with these types of stories. Still it is really annoying without the timeskip having the characters start out with no skills and then suddenly they become the ultimate survivors as if they grinded out 72 levels in less than 2 hours.
Story edited. If you read the old version, I'd suggest that you read the new version to see what I've added to Twilight's story.
10328610
It works.
Hope Celestia pays dearly for not even hearing her out and I hope twi managed to make a kingdom for her own
Plus I Hope ever since her exile ponies have been scorning starlight and refused to let her stay in the castle since she was responsible
Or even give her the punishment they gave twi since she was responsible
I hope twilight takes revenge on Starlight and Celes
10328313
Maybe they had been searching but had no idea where she was now
Pacing could use some work but otherwise it's an interesting concept. You had my curiosity, now you have my attention.
The story already featured? I expect great things here. Of course, I'm not going to read now! I'm going to toss this story into the Que folder. The folder I toss stories into and wait for more chapters.
10328658
Damn it. Now I want to read the story even more now even though I'm saving it until there are more chapters.
Imma go find another story before I read more comments
It's very good to set down your premise quickly. Well done.
Ohhh, can't wait until we reach the line of "I don't believe in the magic of friendship" shocker in this story. Wherever that may be. Good luck with this, there are so few stories that pull off the amount of character development necessary to show the great contrast.
Though I will wait until this is complete to start, maybe this will be interesting.
Update:Currently rewriting chapter 1, not the prologue, so the release will be delayed for a while. Don't worry,I'm almost done. Latest by tomorrow it'll be released :)
This has potential, if it slowed down a mite.
Really, slow it down. Twilight was banished, the forced to fight, then forced to kill all in the same chapter of less than 3000 words. It's too much too quick. Pace yourself and allow the readers to slowly enter the world you're creating and it'll make it much easier for them to follow.
For your first story this is dam good like holy crap I can't wait for more. I do have to say you might want to slow down with your pacing a little be a bit more descriptive on how Twilight is thinking in that moment
this is an interesting concept, it has potential and I can't wait to see how it progresses, however I would say that your writing style needs some work
this snippet is one example, I'm not knowledgeable enough in writing myself to be able to comment on specifics, but the execution (in the figurative sense) of how the Minotaur got stabbed seems a little...jarring? there's no way to indicate that he's been stabbed in the moment like a sound of the knife entering his chest (a stab isn't silent), or that Twilight was actually the one to do it (For example you could say that Twilight blindly thrust forward with her magic on reflex). from the readers perspective it comes across as if the knife just suddenly appears in his chest with no real cause until twilight begins to freak out.
one thing you could do in an effort to improve, particularly fight scenes, is to watch and study fight scenes from different films and such on youtube, and then make an exercise of transcribing them as if you were writing it as part of a story, you'd be surprised at how much it can take to describe a scene that might only take a few seconds played out in real time. here's a couple of examples to get the ball rolling.
I don't have the time or energy to be able to be an editor else I'd gladly offer my help long term, but my biggest piece of advice would be to seek out a group focused around editors, there's bound to be at least someone willing to lend you a hand in polishing this up