Act I - Chapter 10 - Trickery
The Alicorn Warrior
Written by iAmSiNnEr
Helped by Xrevias
Chapter 10- Trickery
Twilight smirked as the mercenaries’ shield went up, defending her ‘attacks’.
The shadow clones were in fact illusions, and Twilight was using them to buy herself some time to think. After all, even though she was an alicorn, that much mana wasted would drain almost three-quarters of her reserve, which was not a consequence she wanted to pay.
She did have a plan in mind, though. They were standing on earth. Earth and dirt could be magically manipulated without wasting too much mana, and she was counting on that to be able to take down the mercenaries without killing them. Keeping them alive was crucial; she needed them for her plan.
Her horn lit, and she cast her spell. “Lesson one!” she yelled as her spell activated. “I may not be able to brute force it, but you’re fighting the alicorn that took lessons from Princess Celestia!”
The earth beneath the mercenaries shifted, and the dirt morphed to water, which the ponies fell into, dropping their staff. Immediately, the shield collapsed, and Twilight smirked as her aura wrapped around their staff and brought it to her as the mercenaries floundered in the water.
“You cheater!” a mare named Arshelle shouted as she clambered out of the newly created water pit, coughing. “That’s not fair!”
“Is anything ever fair in war and battle?” Twilight countered. “Besides, you’ll want to listen to the deal I have for you.”
Arshelle raised an eyebrow. “What kind of deal?” Her expression was intrigued, interested to hear what Twilight had planned for her group.
“I will be leaving for an undefined amount of time,” Twilight informed her. “And I do not feel safe about leaving the arena undefended from a griffon organization that wants this place back. If you agree, I have stores of gold in a vault, which would be enough to satisfy your wants and needs comfortably for more than four years.”
“What are you asking?” Arshelle demanded.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’m asking you to accept my gold and protect the arena from the griffons. Can you do that?”
“How much gold are we talking about?” Arshelle asked suspiciously. Twilight smirked at her words and lit her horn.
An image of her vault showed itself to the group of mercenaries, and their eyes widened in greed. “Satisfied?” Twilight asked, grinning inside.
“But what happens when the gold runs out?” one of the other unicorns asked.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I run a literal money-making business. I’m sure Hard Line would be able to indefinitely pay you to protect the arena.”
“That I agree,” Hard Line concurred as he trotted up to address the group. “The only problem is, are you to be trusted?”
Arshelle glanced at Hard Line. “If you pay us and satisfy our wants, we’re trustworthy enough,” she promised. “As long as you don’t go back on any payments, I think it would work. Besides, the griffons are only paying us a very small fraction of what this job could bring us.”
“Of course-” Twilight paused as a commotion was heard at the gates. “What’s happening over there-”
“Stop right there, Sparkle!” a voice she recognized yelled from the gates. Twilight turned, and her eyes widened at what she saw.
Thirty griffons had surrounded her friends, holding them at sword or crossbow point.
Rarity waved nervously. “Hello, darling! This is quite the pickle, isn’t it?”
“How did you figure out that they were my friends?” Twilight demanded.
The lead griffon, Tipok, who had spoken earlier, laughed. “I’m not telling you-”
“I know, I know!” Pinkie waved. “These scary griffons were trying to attack another pony, so you know what I told them?” she made a scary face. “I said, ‘Twilight’s my friend, if you try anything she’ll come to scare you off!”
Twilight facehoofed. Still the same old Pinkie, huh?
“If you don’t surrender right now,” Tipok said flatly. “We will kill your friends. And the only kind of surrender we’re accepting is three inhibitor rings on you and you tied up. We’re not taking any chances.”
Twilight growled. “You dare-?”
“Yes, Sparkle,” Tipok interrupted. “We dare. Argon wants this place back, and this time we can’t return as failures, or else he’ll kill us. Now, you will either surrender, or your friends will DIE.” Another griffon pressed a blade deeper into Fluttershy’s neck, and Fluttershy whimpered.
Twilight materialized an axe. “How about I kill you instead?”
“K-kill?” Spike stammered. “What?”
Twilight brandished her axe. “This will not go down good for you,” she warned. “Touch any of my friends, and you won’t even get a shred of mercy.”
“I think we’ll take our chances,” Tipok said grimly. “We hold the ones you hold dearest to. Come closer to us with that axe, and they die.”
“You kill them, you lose all your leverage,” Twilight reminded Tipok. “And then there’ll be nothing to stop me from killing all of you and razing your organization to the ground.”
“Well then,” Tipok grinned. “A simple solution. We kill one to prove our point. Etsy, kill the yellow one.”
Fluttershy whimpered, trying to fly away, but Etsy pulled her down and began pressing a blade deeper into her neck.
“No!” Rainbow cried out. “Twilight, do as they say! Fluttershy cannot-”
All hell broke loose as the ground erupted from under the griffons, as tendrils of magic wrapped around the bird-like creatures. The griffons squawked as they lost their grips on their weapons, dropping them on the ground.
Twilight smirked, her horn lit in an iridescent lavender. “Lesson two! Don’t keep on talking, your opponent could be doing something while that happens!”
The griffons flailed in the air, the tendrils wrapping around them again and again, making it so none of them could move an inch.
“W-wha-?” Rainbow gawped at the sight.
“You threatened my friends!” Twilight yelled as she flapped her wings and flew up so that she could be at eye level with Tipok. “Nobody, no creature, no pony is EVER allowed to threaten my friends!”
“Tw-twahlight?” Applejack called out. “They’ve learnt their lesson. Maybe just turn them over to the authorities or something?”
“There are no authorities,” Hard Line said smoothly. “The Badlands run on a system where we settle everything ourselves. So Sparkle has two options. Either kill them or leave it to the town ponies to decide their fate. Honestly, killing them would be the better option here.”
“B-but-” Spike glanced between the squirming griffons held by the tendrils and Twilight. “Isn’t there another way?”
“They almost went through with killing Fluttershy, Spike,” Twilight’s eyes were hard. “And that is something I will not just forgive and forget.”
“What’s the matter?” Tipok jeered. “Dragons get softer after the years- ack!” the tendrils tightened around him, cutting off his air supply.
“You do not get to say anything useless,” Twilight growled. “Anything else that is useless that comes out of that mouth of yours will result in your death. And I mean it.”
Tipok laughed. “Do I look like I care-” the tendrils tightened again, choking the griffon.
“Alright, that’s it-” Twilight began.
“Twilight,” Starlight said seriously. “Don’t do this. You’re not the Twilight we knew in Equestria. Where is the Twilight who gave ponies second chances? Where’s the Princess of Friendship?”
Twilight paused. “I am no longer a princess,” she said slowly. “That ship has long sailed, Starlight. But… second chances. You do make a point.”
Starlight beamed. “See? I knew you weren’t completely gone-”
The tendrils crushed Tipok, killing him instantly. “A creature like him doesn’t deserve a second chance.” Twilight declared. “Willing to threaten innocents just to get his way?”
“W-what?” Starlight breathed as she backed up. “B-but-”
Twilight’s gaze hardened. “I’ve spent four long years here, Starlight. If there’s one thing this place has taught me, is that if you ever let go of your enemies because of mercy, they always come back for more.” she gestured at the dead bodies around them. “Most of these griffons I gave a chance. I refrained from killing them. But what do they do? They come back and threaten the townponies. They threaten my friends.”
“Twi?” Rainbow whispered. “Look at Flutters in the eyes.”
Twilight turned to look Fluttershy in the eyes. “Wha-?” she paused.
Fluttershy’s eyes were scared, fearful. It took Twilight a moment before her chest tightened as she realised that it was not the griffons that Fluttershy was scared of, but of her. She glanced at herself.
I must sound and look scary right now, Twilight realised. I’ve changed, haven’t I? The Badlands have changed me. I’m no longer the mare I once was, no matter how much I try to lie to myself.
“Don’t kill them, Twilight, darling,” Rarity said, before glancing at the limp body of Tipok and correcting herself. “Don’t kill anymore, darling. Come back to us. Show us that you are not a cold-blooded killer who kills just because they can.”
Twilight’s gaze softened. “Fine. For you girls.”
“Yippee!” Pinkie cried out and jumped in the air. “Let’s have a ‘Twilight’s Not KIlling Anyone Party!’”
Twilight chuckled. You never change, Pinkie.
“But the question arises,” Hard Line called out. “What should we do with all these griffons? We can’t just let them go without some kind of deterrent.”
“Uhhh…” Rainbow shrugged.
Arshelle stepped forward. “If I may?” she asked.
Twilight tilted her head. “Hm?”
“I have a suggestion, if you please. We of the Dark Order have a few contacts in the Trikon Town,” Arshelle continued. “As you know, Trikon Town is the most secure place to keep the ones you’ve defeated locked away for a very long time.”
“Trikon Town….” Twilight pondered the name. “I remember that place. I visited it a few years back to deposit Quick Leash after I heard of it. I suppose we could try it.”
Hard Line tilted his head. “Indeed, Trikon Town would be a good place to store these miscreants. Only one out of a thousand inmates ever escape, and that’s a very high estimate. Why didn’t I think of it before?”
“Uhhh…” Rainbow was glancing from Twilight to Arshelle to Hard Line. “Care to explain what’s Trikon Town?”
Twilight inclined her head. “Of course. Trikon Town is run by Trikon, hence the name. The entire town is a prison, where you can store your prisoners for a sum of money. The money goes to making sure the prisoners don’t escape, their food, and their lodging.”
“And Trikon’s wardens are extremely good at their jobs,” Hard Line added. “I have yet to hear of an escape during the time I’ve been around, although I hear there was maybe one a long time ago.”
“So...you’re gonna put them in some kind of prison?” Spike asked.
Twilight nodded. “I believe so, yes. It would be the only alternative to a public lynching or death by my hooves.”
“Public lynching-” Starlight shook her head. “Forget it, I don’t want to know.”
Twilight nodded gravely. “You definitely do not want to know.”
Twilight cast another spell, and the tendrils lowered the griffons to the ground, but still stayed firmly around them, making sure they didn’t escape.
“I will arrange for the transport,” Hard Line offered. “And then we’ll find the Dark Order’s contacts so we can arrange for their imprisonment.”
Twilight nodded. “Could I have some privacy to talk to my friends?” she requested.
Hard Line nodded. “Of course.” he started ushering the Dark Order to the arena’s private rooms.
“Girls…” Twilight began.
“Twahlight….” Applejack said softly. “Why have you changed so much? The sweet gal I knew wouldn’t hurt anypony.”
Twilight sighed. “Applejack, I’m sorry. But this place, the Badlands,” she gestured around them. “It’s dangerous. If I hadn’t killed when I needed to, I would have been dead. I’m not comfortable with killing, but sometimes it’s necessary.”
“It’s not,” Rainbow immediately replied. “The Wonderbolts used to be a military unit. Spitfire told me before of the stories that the war veterans passed down. Killing changed them. They had this look in their eyes, this killer look. From then on, the Wonderbolts never served as military again.”
Twilight gazed into the distance. “Ah. Princess Celestia never told me this before.”
Fluttershy wrung her hooves nervously. “Twilight… could you promise us that you will never kill again?”
“You know I can’t,” She whispered. “Sometimes it really is needed.”
“At least promise not to kill unless you really have no choice,” Starlight said. “You saw how you scared Fluttershy.”
Twilight sighed. “I can do that. I’m sorry, everypony, for changing so much.”
Pinkie bounded up to her and hugged her. “Don’t worry, silly! We’ll always be your friends!”
“Always,” Rarity agreed. “We’ll be there to pull you back whenever you fall from the path of Harmony together.”
Twilight beamed. “Oh, come here!” She lit her horn, and she dragged everypony into a hug. “I love you girls,” she whispered.
“What about me?” Spike grumbled by the side. Twilight laughed before releasing the rest and sweeping Spike into a hug. “I’ve missed you, my number one assistant. I promise you, we’ll go home, and we’ll be properly together again.”
Rainbow smiled. “Promise?”
“Promise,” Twilight confirmed. The group huddled together as they watched the sun rise into the sky, and for once in a very long time in Twilight’s life, she felt content.
“We’ll be leaving for Equestria after preparations,” Twilight decided. “I miss my family.”
Rarity smiled. “They miss you too, darling.”
Twilight grinned. “To us, and to our friendship!’ she cried out.
“To our friendship!” the rest of them chorused, shouting out loud. “And may it last forever!”
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Thanks for updating anyway
Rushed, weak, downright stupid.
a battle ready twilight is one that should not be messed with
Soooo cute
Yay an Update!
I found the chapter a little short... other than that it was good. Twilights friends' are still adapting to the new Twilight, which is understandable. Also, don't cross Twi...
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Tipok: *threatens to kill Twilight's friends*
Twilight: i.redd.it/t6thvucfuh931.png
she's not gonna be able to return, i'm calling it now,
10676841
Well then buck off
I really hope that Twilight realizes that she's changed so much she wouldn't really fit into Equestrian society anymore. Her standard of morals are too battle-hardened to even function in Equestria. I hope the writer realizes that she really has no place left in Equestria anymore and that the Badlands is her place now. Hell, I can't believe that she hasn't had a discussion on why killing is sometimes the only way and a mercy to most in the badlands
You're forgiven, life takes gets in the way.
10676916
If immature insults made a story better half of the things I sifted through wouldn't be stellar 5's out of 10.
SHUT UP
It's that kind of people again .
You don't want to kill to protect ?
Ok then, convince the attacker to stop attacking and don't be useless or hide behind others who defended you by killing them
That's what she just said is she deaf?
It would be like guard decided to change into a cheerleader team
You can't stand killing to defend your country WOW 😯maybe don't join a military unit maybe ?
This way there will be a place for others who will do their job
I think Twilight should have slapped one of them who says the most bullshit and yelled at them to get their heads from their asses and shut up and hear what bullshit they say.
What they say can kill her
I wonder when they will realise that the badlands are literally called that for a reason and maybe Twilight actually knows what she's doing?
10676841
I'm sorry you felt that way, is there any other comments you could give me than, 'stupid'?
Got to say this is a mixed bag of good and bad ideas here. I do like the concept but I think Twilight was a bit too nice about everything. I also think that even if they are Twilights friends she should do what she thinks is right not what her friends say is right, she's the one who's been out there the longest and knows how it all works while her friends are completely ignorant.
10677275
Will take your comment down for future changing of the story plot :) if ever needed :D
10677272
Nothing that hasn't been already said by those below, but I'll highlight.
- in the same chapter Twiggles states that unless you kill something, it will bite you in the bum sometime later.
She then proceeds to spare something.
Concentrated Irony Tm
- her friends have absolutely no basis nor catch in the scenario other than their own aversion to death, and despite almost getting killed, they still refuse to see the necessity of it.
Instead what we get is a nice sweet 'You're better than this' spiel, as if they being privileged enough to not take life somehow elevates them to a level above those who need to work and hussle just to survive.
In that one line you manage to thoroughly insult Twilight's new way of life and, in her agreeing, undermine any form of growth and adaptation she might've had over the years.
Hell, the fact that she even listens is akin to a experienced wildlife guide agreeing to head left instead of right because some ignorant city-boy who's never set foot on soil said so.
It's, insulting.
A flat slap to the face of your audience could not have been more forcefully delivered.
10677352
Alright. I'll take note of the stuff you said here, feedback has told me that I should probably rewrite chapter 10, sorry for wasting your time. May I request one thing, though? Do try not to just insult me in the comments, I didn't rush this, this is over 8 hours of work and editing. I'm trying to be polite here, but most authors if you straight up call them stupid they'll ignore you. But thanks for your feedback!
10676981
I agree the wonderbolt thing was stupid. it would be like joining the air force and deciding that since you don't like killing you are going to turn the airforce into a fancy plane racing group
10677378
you are the most mature person I have ever seen to respond to the insults like that.
That said, he is kinda right about the parts that *aren't* blatant insults.
That said, I think it's in-character for Twilight to fallback to hope and wishful thinking in the name of her friends - it could be written better, but this is perfect build up for a brutal reminder that harmony doesn't always work. - if that isn't your plan, I'd rewrite this chapter.
But if it is... Then this is.. well, not perfect, but it's okay. not as bad as others are making it out. I do think that if anyone would accept bad advice, it would be Twilight from her friends.
In response to the people equating this to, someone taking advice from a city boy vs a professional - there's a bit of context missing there. Imagine that the city slick is someone the professional trusts explicitly, sometimes to their own detriment. Rationality and experience is nothing in the face of the part of our monkey - or in their case pony - brain that conveys the happy friendship juice when we cooperate with friends; and I reiterate, even to our own detriment or the detriment of said friends.
4 years of social starvation? I can believe that after that a wildlife expert might be a little less inhibited from making poor decisions, expertise aside.
10677378
Your welcome, time is never wasted and harsh as it is, be simply my manner of critique. Agression is matched by attention, hence it is my default. I have nothing against you, per say.
I shall attempt the speech of the civilized par that of the hooligan, with regards to this at least. Either one works as well once progress is made.
Or, at the very least, place my eggs in a single basket lest they be scattered across many as this is.
Nice chapter.
Great chapter
I have to agree with the other posters here. Twilight's trials in the Badlands have changed her, so her willingness to kill makes sense. But it doesn't make sense for her to state that "if you ever let go of your enemies because of mercy, they always come back for more", then have her suddenly agree to be merciful. Even if her friends want her to be. I think the story would work better if you remove Twilight agreeing to be merciful, and have Hard Line interrupt and suggest Trikon Town. Imprisoning the gryphons eliminates the threat, so Twilight could agree to that easily without agreeing to be merciful.
I don't know what you have planned for later chapters, but this Twilight you've developed is not going to be able to adjust well to Equestrian society. She's had to make a lot of hard and painful choices, and that will change anyone. No one in her life will understand what she's been through. They won't understand why she had to kill or fight, and she'll end up feeling isolated. It's possible that Celestia and/or Luna would understand, but her friends never will. I can't see this ending well for Twilight.
nice work.
10676841
Agreed.
10677272
It felt like it was rushed. There was no conflict with her friends, just, okay you win I'm sorry. Her story seems to have changed her but she isn't committed. Stretch out the conversations a bit and give more conflict. Nobody just agrees and changes. Especially after what Twilight went through.
10677631
That doesn't excuse her not investigating. In fact, it does the opposite. If Celestia had already warned Twilight before for the same thing and she KNOWS that Twilight is aware she's not screwing around, then it would stand to reason that she would want to know why she would go against her despite the consequences. A 'You better have a damn good reason to do this' sort of situation. However, this is irrelevant, because the very next chapter explains that Celestia was being influenced by an unknown party, making the problem a non-issue.
I am very disappointed that Twilight didn't kill all the Griffons.
I'm loosing enthusiasm in the story. She will have no problem fitting in (back in Equestria) and that is the entire point of the story.
Oh well.
The Monk
“There are many ways to create a monster, and the one the girl knows best is rather basic: you tell someone they're a monster over and over again, then wait to see how long it takes before they agree with you.” -Estee
Good chapter, really shows Twilights soft spot for her friends. But a lot of the critiques do hold valid. But this is your story so you do what you want. Personally I like this outcome
10678013
same... "I’m not comfortable with killing, but sometimes it’s necessary" If only Twilight had stuck with that but no we get a wishy washy Twilight that KNOWS from experience that the whole any killing=evil/bad and harmony=pacifist DOES NOT WORK and are lies in the face of reality crumbles way too fast under a “The sweet gal I knew wouldn’t hurt anypony.” and a Fluttershy stare? Sorry Aj but your sweet little girl matured out of that foalish idiocy and dont get me STARTED on that vile stare of fluttershy's.
I'm sorry, but WTF??!! The Mane Five needs to STOP trying to "pacifism" Twilight. The World is Grey! Not FRICKIN Black and White. And NOT killing the Griffons is gonna get you and your friends DYING in vain!!! They need to man-up. Or they learn the HARD WAY that Killing is necessary in the Badlands.
Plus, the Wonderbolts are FRICKIN Cowards!!!! What happens when a Real Threats like some Villains that KILL, or even Invaders/Army declare War against Equestria? What are they gonna do IF their acting like P******??!!
I actually rather like the chapter, if it will bring along proper consequences. Maybe you should do a follow-up wherein Twilight has a chance to explain some of her reasoning. I could easily see her being swept up in a swirl of emotions at this moment, with the sudden return of her friends and their rather naive requests and views, acting against her better judgment for a want to return to older, simpler times in a daze of confusion. And it might even have some proper consequences later down the road, like the mercenaries betraying her and/or the griffons being bought free from the prison.
10678162
To be fair, most of the "Banished Twilight" stories died a horrible death, with the exception of this one. This one is still alive and kicking because (In my opinion) it stayed close to the main point. It's an ideology conflict that makes the reader really sit down and question who is right. The pacifistic ponies that live in a protected world and don't understand the real world ramifications of mercy and forgiveness. Both the benefits and the life altering / scaring effects when that was the wrong decision, and that decision cost an innocent life.
Like you said
This really is a story about growing up. Leaving the protection of the safe home, where others make decisions for your protection and entering the real world where what you were taught growing up really doesn't work in the real world and even more startling, morality and Justice have little relevance in how things actually work.
The best example of this, is in the story "Drake's Empire by Pentel123". In the story Spike the Dragon goes with a "dragon mentor" to discover what it means to be a dragon and to grow as a person. There is a point in the story where a caravan of Griffons that Spike befriended is attacked and Spike stands there frozen, because of fear, his peaceful upbringing, and morality, as life and death unfolds around him. After the fight he realizes that his indecision and delay lead to the death of several of his close friends. This is a big turning point in his life, and he comes to terms with the fact that killing to defend others is sometimes the only right option.
While the Author treats Twilight as a mature real world Adult, he/she seems hesitant to portray her as too violent. I encourage the writer to be less worried about how they portray Twilight. After all, she was in a fight for her life in front of uncaring masses every day for a long time, By this point Twilight would be more distrustful and street wise, much like a kid who grew up alone on the streets. She would have a much more "what are you getting out of this and what's in it for me?" outlook. (Again in my opinion)
What I'm waiting for is the culture clash when she arrives back in Equestria as those who knew her have to come to terms with who she was VS. who she is now.
I am looking forward to seeing where this is going but I'm a bit leery about this Authors direction.
The Monk
“…the perverted tickler of buff men in hairy underwear, left the realm of sleep to join those who had decided to start a productive and early day” -Hotel_Chicken
I have to agree, this needs at least a partial re-write. Twilight should not be volunteering to let them go, let someone interrupt with the mention of the prison town. And joining a military organization, only to turn it into an air show?
If the fundamental plot point is "how does warrior Twilight return to a non-warrior world", then there are two issues:
1. Twilight has to stay _Warrior_ longer than one speech from her friends
2. Twilight has already said that she has something of a life and friends here, and she's not willing to abandon them, so she'll be commuting / living in both worlds for a while.
I did get a rushed feeling with this latest chapter, I believe this rushed feeling initially came from the tempo of the story and how quickly Twilight switched tracks. I can see what the story wants to portray, I can see the effort and aim. However, it feels like you've pushed two chapters into one.
This chapter's tempo is perhaps too aggrestive, I believe it is throwing me off. It starts out at a fast pace but slows down way too quickly at the end. I believe Twilight's behavior is being thrown off with this tempo as well, her actions feel shallow, or rather too shallow for the depth you have put into her.
Twilight has spent more than 4 years in the badlands and she was raised by Celestia to be a leader, to know when to lead and when to follow the suggestion of another, a follower. You got that part down however, her change in deciding the griffons' fate is quite jarring. As keybounce suggested, I feel "Twilight the Warrior" just went up in smoke and was replaced by the "cannon Twilight Sparkle". She can obliviously listen to her friends and decide not to kill the griffons for their sake, but I don't think the inner Warrior would be completely comfortable with that decision.
I hope what I've said is constructive. Please let me know what you think of my comment.
10679424
Thanks for the feedback, and yes, I will be rewriting my story now, because this chapter has opened my eyes to see that my storywriting and plot has gone off the rails.
10679260
I have to agree. Twilight already showed leniency once and they came back to slay the towncreatures under her protection and tried to kill her friends. She should crush her enemies, see them driven before and hear the lamentations of their hens(or whatever the female term for griffons are).
10679075
or a become a crime lord...
exactly! We are very much on the same page (except you are better then I at expressing it lol)
10679563
It doesn't really need a rewrite. The behavior is off from the intent or message of the story, but it can be fixed by simply moving on and steering the story in the direction you intended.
People think in terms of good guy always good and bad guy always bad. But the truth is often stranger. A homicidal king can be a fantastic father. A psychopath can pay a homeless man a day in a hotel. A cheating spouse can have a fantastic vacation with their neglected spouse. People make decisions that are out of character all the time, however a leopard does not change its spots. They will 90% of the time be exactly who they are.
I would say to leave the chapter as is and focus on the future.
The Monk
Writing As An Art By The Monk
People forget that writing is an art, just like oil painting or playing a guitar. No one puts out a masterpiece when they first start out. It takes practice to improve. A lot of wasted paper, a lot of wasted canvas, a lot of wasted guitar pics. You don't improve unless you practice. Don't let negative feedback o0r fear of criticism get you down. Write more and often. Don't modify your work so you can see your improvement. By deleting your old work, you have nothing to compare your new work to. This is bad when you think your writing sucks because without your older work to compare it to, you cant see the improvement for yourself.
Just a few things I thought I would share.
Good grief! The rest of the Mane 6 really need to get a grip on reality.
10682589
Twilight needs to grow up too. After however many years in "the real world", she's impressively immature: yelling, gloating mid-combat, all signs of someone who lacks control of themselves and others.
10679563
Be careful, an author can get trapped in an endless cycle of rewrites. This would be the second time, right? You'll need to see this through eventually if you want an actual look at your strengths and weaknesses, because a half-complete story is not sufficient basis to make judgments about your quality as a writer. I agree with this comment section that the way the characters in this chapter acted is irritating, but I don't think most of the people here realize that characters have flaws. A character encountering a situation for the first time and making a mistake (that applies to both Twilight and her friends here) is not the time for readers to start screeching.
In fact, a few people here seem to be looking for blood and shallow action, not story.
10676918
'Battle-hardened' isn't a negative. Things that could prevent re-adapting to an easy life: bloodthirst, trauma, boredom, revelation of injustices. 'Battle-hardened' implies insensitivity to...violence, I guess, but if someone claims they engage in unnecessary violence at the drop of a hat or can't have a conversation without blowing up because they're "battle-hardened"...
10677275
If her friends can't comprehend reality, that's partly Twilight's fault as well. The naive step into a situation they can't handle, do you blame them for their naivete? No, not at all, you blame others for not preparing them beforehand. If it happens a second time, you can start wondering if they refuse to learn.
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I agree with you. I chose the term 'Battle-hardened' because if I said 'prone to extreme violence when it's appropriate' it would make twilight look bad. People/ponies who know better would know that sometimes killing is really the only option no matter how terrible it is. Twilight learned that valuable lesson and honest, she's a better mare for it
Twilight going soft can’t end well
Should of just ended them
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Seriously, sometimes hard choices gotta be made and being merciful will only earn you a knife in the back of your head, she learned that. If she starts going soft and giving second chances to those she knows wouldn't do the same, she better swallow the consequences when some of her loved ones pay for it.
Those griffins know exactly who she is and who she cares about, so all her friends and their families better be watching their backs from here on.
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As I discovered in the next chapter
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Thank you so much for the advice, I was stuck in a loop trying to fix my "mistakes" until I saw this and realized that I should do what you said. :) But of course, I have polished up a few chapters due to repetition and some mistakes that truly are mistakes.
Never apologize for changing. Apologize for what you do.
twilight's former friends are now LITERALLY excess baggage for twilight (figuratively and emotionally)......
these ponies have friends who stood by them while twilight was left to fend for herself, is it too much too ask if she wants to survive?
twilight shouldnt be sorry, she literally was chucked down into the badlands by fatass celestia, if she were as kind and caring in the badlands from day 1 twilight wouldnt have a day 2 on that place........
damn you celestia! twilight should blame her for all of this!
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I agree. They are literally going to get someone hurt or killed and i bet you they will be sad for a bit and take none of the blame... probably spout some glitter covered friendship nonsense expecting that it would fix everything.
I really hope they open their eyes to dangerous places like that and know it isn't like their rainbow filled kindergarten of a country