Centuries after the legend of the Mane 6, a mysterious unicorn singlehandedly takes control of the throne after defeating with the Royal Sisters. Under his rule, an intensifying air of xenophobia amongst the populace drives forward a new age of militarization and conquest.
Since the fall of Celestia, Reverie the alicorn and her draconequus friend, Clamor, have lived in hiding. As they journey across Equestria and the lands beyond, they will encounter unexpected allies, forming an uncanny group of six heroes to fight for the future of ponykind.
Inspired by a thread on /mlp/, this fic is an experiment to weave a new Mane 6, an alicorn, a draconequus, a changeling, a dragon, a zebra and a griffon. Through their interactions and adventures, the story will explore their struggles with identity, heritage, acceptance, desire and purpose. A sincere thanks to everyone who posted in that thread!
It was a good effort. I think this would be a lot more effective if you focused more on how your character feels than what is actually going on around her. (Show, don't tell the story) Also, try to avoid describing information on things you have already told the reader.
Example:
“Today’s a big day, Reverie!” he declared excitedly.
From the exclamation and the wording we can already draw the conclusion he's excited. (Also using adverbs ending in -ly is often seen as sloppy)
I'd go check some websites on when to start new paragraphs. To me it feels like the paragraphs should often be broken into two. The first sentence is the "lead sentence," which sets the topic of the paragraph. This topic isn't always "stated." For example:
What you wrote:
She awoke, panting, her face covered in sweat. The same nightmare again. She groggily opened her eyes, greeted by the familiar sight of her bedroom, which was sparsely decorated with drab paintings and a cracked vase filled with dead tulips that crumbled under the hot breeze drifting in from the windows. Sunlight streamed in through a break in the curtains in a feeble endeavor to illuminate the room, managing only a dreary glow on the splintered wood floor. The sheer heat and humidity clawed at Reverie’s patience as she lazily turned to her nightstand, where a glass, a mirror and crystal ball sat. Telekinetically bringing the half-empty glass of lukewarm water to her lips, she glanced at a small mirror on the table, and saw an adolescent mare, face obscured by a long, tangled, light pink mane. Two decades had passed and she had hardly grown at all. She sighed. The dreadful blessing of the alicorn at work again.
Suggested:
Part involves waking up.
She awoke, panting, her face covered in sweat. The same nightmare again. She groggily opened her eyes, greeted by the familiar sight of her bedroom, which was sparsely decorated with drab paintings and a cracked vase filled with dead tulips that crumbled under the hot breeze drifting in from the windows. Sunlight streamed in through a break in the curtains in a feeble endeavor to illuminate the room, managing only a dreary glow on the splintered wood floor. The sheer heat and humidity clawed at Reverie’s patience as she lazily turned to her nightstand, where a glass, a mirror and crystal ball sat.
Previous sentence feels like a lead-on sentence into the next paragraph. Next paragraph seems like an attempt on her part to calm herself down.
Telekinetically bringing the half-empty glass of lukewarm water to her lips, she glanced at a small mirror on the table, and saw an adolescent mare, face obscured by a long, tangled, light pink mane. Two decades had passed and she had hardly grown at all. She sighed. The dreadful blessing of the alicorn at work again.
Hope this helps. Keep trying!
I really like Clamor :D And I agree with Steben. As great as your writing is, it feels like a wall of text at times. It helps to have a space between ever paragraph. But besides formatting, which isn't really an error, there were very few mistakes. There were a few places where there are a few punctuation mistakes, especially around dialogue, but I didn't even notice the first time through. I really loved this first chapter, and I love the whole idea of a whole new sort of Mane 6... thought, maybe it has to just be the Main 6 if they aren't all ponies :D So please, keep writing, and keep paying attention to detail, because it shows that you're making that effort!
1142177
This is precisely the type of comment that I was looking for (did you read my blog post? or my mind?), and am glad that something like this was posted; as a first time writer, ambitious to write the next best thing in pony fiction, this is simply invaluable. I will scan through the story and find specific instances of these flaws and make note of them in the future. Hopefully this didn't detract from the experience of the story; I have a tendency to over-elaborate and throw in unnecessary details, hopefully this will be ironed out with experience.
One question: Is it awkward or weird to edit the story once published? I want to keep rubbing away at this clump of dirt till I get to the gem underneath, but I'm not sure when to call it quits.
1147120 Heh, I read the blog AFTER posting that review. Posting CC is something I do pretty often.
People go back and polish their fics all the time, there's nothing to be ashamed about. Sorry to say when I read your fic I didn't get past the first several paragraphs. Maybe it was my mood at the time, but I sort of have a low tolerance for redundancy. Redundancy can be more than describing the same thing twice. It can also be ANY mentioning of some conclusion the reader has previously drawn. (Guess I'm going CC now, sorry)
Just some elaborations on other things:
The smile vanished from his face. Crestfallen, he sat down on the living room couch and stared wistfully out the window, eyes following Reverie until she disappeared down the road. He sighed and lay down on the couch, staring gloomily at the ceiling. (If the smile vanished from his face, we can guess he's somewhat put out. Notice how the action of him sighing in the last sentence is NOT necessarily redundancy since it is an action, not a description... but if you use that action too much... it can be redundant...)
Another thing to watch out for is ANYTHING that takes the reader away form what is happening "now." Saying things like "He sighed again." is going to make the reader try to remember the first time he sighed.
I think the best way for you to improve would be to focus on paragraph structure. Feel free to keep writing the way you always were, but maybe go back and check each paragraph. Ask yourself what is the focus of the paragraph. Think of it like a camera. Are you focusing on an object, or at a subject? What exactly about this subject are you focusing on? Is it part of their argument, or a thought process? Maybe an action sequence?) You're kind of like me in making paragraphs, you want to create a new paragraph with each action the character takes. Might have said this before, but there are guides out there on "when to start a new paragraph." (Google that quote, saw a good'un) On a last note there seems to be a lot of paragraph length variety, which is excellent, but try to avoid multiple short paragraphs in a row.
Sorry if I went a bit overboard. It looks like you're putting a lot of effort into this.
1147938
Haha, it's fine. Not going to lie when I say your comment hits hard and that I did work a fair amount of time on this, but it's an absolutely necessary thing to receive proper criticism. I'm new to writing fiction, hell, new to writing in general since I don't do it outside of mandatory school assignments, so to put it lightly, I'm fumbling through the dark looking for the light switch, taking an idea and running recklessly with it, so I do lack the fundamentals and technique of making a good novel/story. Tips like these help in making me a more aware writer, and I want the final product to be as good as I can possibly make it.
Hey every one I need to ask a favor,
I don't know if this is just me or sometimes I've noticed the site keeps certain stories in your face and even if you know what to look for you won't find it.
Well this has been me for months but I read a story similar to this where the princesses have been killed by assassins and after the story takes place thousands of years later the tribes have split up and formed a unicorn high council,a earth pony kingdom, and pegasi have escaped into the clouds and during a backstory arch the descendants of the mane six tried to keep everyone together in ponyville, but the others didn't listen and it was destroyed thousands of years before the main part of the story then we come to a earth pony couple hiding in a tent about to have a baby and are being hunted down by unicorns. So right as they burst into the tent and try to take the new filly, who turns out to be an alicorn, she reacts and blows them away with a burst of power, then the story goes on the her life and trying to find out why she is an alicorn. It was a really good story but it's been forever since I've read it and I would really appreciate some help if you've heard of it. THANK YOU!