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Always my pleasure to help!
It just seems redundant, but it can probably be easily fixed. It shouldn't take too much digging, but I can't see the correct word for it, despite it being right at the back of my head.
You've done a great job with this story so far, I just found it difficult to imagine the town, so I just kept thinking up Ponyville. I'm glad you see things my way!

It was very well written, and I think you covered those bases quite well. It's a much darker world than when Celestia led, and it seems more militarized. They act about the same as a brother and sister.

I probably won't be able to do much more, I'm just fixing anything that seems odd. Don't worry, if you keep going how you've been, you'll hit perfection eventually.

Bah, EQD just annoys me.

81397

Thanks for your first impressions! These are really helpful.
I totally agree with the whole military ranking thing. I'm going to dig around and do a little bit more research regarding that. I'm not sure ranks work exactly.
This is the first time I've written fiction this long (and this is only the first chapter? O.o;) so I had a bit of difficulty describing scenes, but they are a crucial element of the experience of reading a long novel and cannot be overlooked!

I am really glad that you enjoyed reading it! My goal with this first piece was to establish two things: one, the condition of the world that Reverie and Clamor live in, and two, their personalities and interpersonal interactions. To that end, I hope I've efficiently and effectively covered it.

Looking forward to seeing what other things you can find. I can't create perfection, but I definitely want to come close (or at the very least, something that people consider 6-star on EQD).

"The humidity and heat clawed at Reverie’s patience as she lazily turned to her nightstand, where a glass of water, a mirror and crystal ball. " Sat maybe?

Paragraph 14, "Whoo hoo." Should have a comma.

Paragraph 26, sentence 2- "Since then, she had spent life adrift in ocean of despair."-'an' before 'ocean'

"May you bring it to this table here?"-I would change 'may', but you don't really have to.

"revered and in our eyes, invincible."-Comma before in?

"watching as gods fell"-Different tenses, present and past.

"Sometimes I wonder, if"-No comma before 'if', and you could put a comma after 'sometimes', but it's not necessary.

"Futility the endeavor"-'of' before 'the'

And I'm not sure about this one.
"lower ranking captain"- Just seems odd when you say he gets promoted to Captain. I don't remember all that much about ranks, so i could be completely wrong, but you could probably change it to something else.

Another opinion is that you should do more to describe the town when Reverie is walking through it at first.

So my impression after reading through it was disappointment...
.
.
Because it ended too soon! I really enjoyed it as a reader, and can't wait for you to actually submit it. The only things that caught me off guard were the power suit, the advanced weaponry, and television. They only surprised me because it's so far in the future, and I completely forgot that, so all you would have to do is mention the era in the description/summary-thing when you submit it.

Also, it gave me feels.

That's it for the first go through! I'll keep an eye out for more.