• Member Since 24th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 20th, 2016

Wishes


E
Source

Sweetie Belle's never been through pain like her friends had to go through. She's never been suddenly abandoned, left in a pit of sorrow and misery, and left there forever. She's never been abused by her parents, or left friendless.

Never left lonely...

...until this sudden incident affects and changes Sweetie Belle's entire life.

Her role model abandoning her and leaving only an echo of what she was.

It's hard to lose someone close...

Proofread by Hankelln and BlueDragonIsAwesome!

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 22 )

:(

Upvoted, fave'd, subscribed.

But still, :(

Haven't read yet, you are right. Losing the closest person you have to you is the hardest. I know from expierience. I knew this girl, she's 4 years older than I am. Soon, she became like my sister, and my role model. When my mom didn't approve of her, I had to let go. Losing her was the hardest. Felt that empty hole in my heart for the next 6 months with out her </3

1484083 Aww...I always like making stories with morals but the sad stories are the hardest. I have to keep back tears :fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry: and try not to offense readers. I really thank you for seeing the purpose.

1483807 :fluttershyouch: :(

Something I threw together cuz I wanted too. I hope you're not sad...:fluttercry:

1534368:fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

So much fluttercry

1533863 No I'm not ;D It's awesome, but I do get a bit sad when I read things with anypony dying in it, especially Rarity :]

1562966 Rarity does make the best effect when dying. Sorry for the sadness though!

Another future author:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::raritystarry::yay::rainbowkiss::rainbowlaugh::twilightsmile:

1533863
A little late for that... :raritydespair:
Anyways...I feel so bad for Sweetie! Arghh, and Rarity too! How depressing... :fluttercry:
It was pretty good grammatically. There were a few parts that could have been worded better, and a few minor mistakes. For instance:

"...They almost gave up; but they soon found her, but her body was burnt."

That could have been worded in a way that was more dramatic. Yes, the meaning was clear, but the way it was written didn't carry the amount of emotion it should have.
Also...

Nurse Redheart, she quickly remembered...came into the room with a clipboard and pen in her magical grasp.

Isn't Nurse Redheart an earth pony? :rainbowderp:

Police had rescued your body, which was outside the shop, and looked almost everywhere for your sister.

Wouldn't it be better if it was written like this:
"The police rescued your body from outside the shop, and looked almost everywhere for your sister."

She dug her face into her pillow and cried for the rest of the afternoon.

I think you meant to put 'buried,' as the word you chose sounds a bit weird due to context.

"A familiar pony...Nurse Redheart, she quickly remembered..."

Also due to context, the word 'quickly' isn't needed. It sounded odd when I was reading over it.

"She quickly turned, and walked away, closing the door slowly."

Too many commas and it was worded strangely. It would sound better like so:
"She quickly turned and walked away, closing the door slowly."

"She seemed to be hiding something behind the boring tone. It collapsed, Sweetie knew it would happen eventually anyway, and she showed her tired eyes...red from crying..."

I honestly am not sure what is happening here. I'd suggest revising and being more specific on what collapsed.

"she carefully chose her words in order for the filly to understand."

'She' should be capitalized, and I would move 'carefully' so it would be after 'words.'
If there are any other errors, they're mostly word choice and the flow of the piece. It's very beautiful, but the errors here and there take some of the gusto out of it. Do you understand? A quick one-over by an editor/prereader or even by yourself would help with that.
I hope I helped you, and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! If you need any help, feel free to ask. :twilightsmile:

1763607 Hey, do you want to be my proofreader?

1766172
Sure, that sounds like fun. :twilightsmile:

1769518 Thank you :twilightsmile: all you have to do is just take a chapter, edit all the mistakes, and send it to me :) easy!
Thank you so so much again!

1769663
You're welcome.
Okay, I can do that. Via PM?
I'll go ahead and do the chapters you already have. :twilightsheepish:

1769712 Yep, via PM! Yeah, and when I get another chapter I'll send it to you!

I hate it when I find good stories that just stop in the middle :ajsleepy:

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