“Nothing is happening,” I said in an abnormally high pitched voice.
At that, I paused. I wasn't expecting anything to happen. I stopped and looked at myself, the sensation of the finger on my forehead leaving me. I saw that I was standing on four pony legs, each covered with a medium blue pony coat. I looked behind me to see a dark blue, almost black, pony tail. I couldn’t help but smile from pony ear to pony ear. “Okay,” my new pony voice said, “something happened.”
I looked around me and saw a green field filled with yellow flowers. It was bright and colorful, in a slightly cartoonish sort of way. Which would make sense, seeing as my wish was granted. The purplish-pink sky above me was just as colorful and I felt the first rays of the sunrise’s sunshine on my coat. It was amazing. I shook in excitement.
I knew where I was. I was in Equestria. I couldn’t stop smiling. He said I could have one wish, and I remember wishing for this, wishing to be here. I don’t know why I did, but that was my wish. And now, here I was. I was in Equestria. I felt more free than I’d ever been in my whole life. It was exhilarating.
I wanted to jump up and down, but resisted the urge, containing myself to shaking in excitement. I stood where I was for a moment, taking in the thought. I could leave the old me behind. The hopeless life I used to live was now no more. I could forget about it forever. A few seconds ago, that wouldn't have been a possibility, something I might not have even wanted, but right now it was a reality. I was here now in the kindest and most friendly land in the whole universe.
I stood there, staring out at the endless field in front of me, imagining what lay ahead of me. Not the life I used to live, that was for sure. I would never see that life again, and I never wanted to. I had a new future ahead of me, and it would not be anything like my past. I silently promised right then and there that I would make the most of my new opportunity.
However, as I stared ahead, watching what I knew was Celestia raising the sun, I realized there was a tiny problem. I had no idea where I was. All I saw ahead of me was an endless field. I turned around and saw the same thing. That was a problem. However, at that moment, I was nearly ecstatic that my biggest problem was that I was lost in a land that I’d never been to with no food or water.
However, it was a problem nonetheless. I knew I couldn’t just stay out here. That wasn’t productive. I needed to get somewhere. Ideally, I’d head for Canterlot or Ponyville and excitedly meet the princess and her friends. But seeing as I didn’t know what direction that might be in, I decided that I would settle for anywhere.
I knew I’d have to walk. It wasn’t as if they had cars and things in Equestria. But that was okay. I could manage. My mind was clear and my body was healthy for the first time in at least months. I had a new sense of positivity and hope for myself. If getting those things meant I had to walk a little, I would gladly accept it.
Walking was weird though. I felt like my stride was short in comparison to my surroundings, and that I was taking quicker, more shallow breaths than I was used to. I also had a very jittery feeling inside me, that I assumed was from my excitement. It didn’t feel unnatural, though, so I didn’t worry about it. I instead took time to appreciate the landscape around me, as well as my new pony body. It was different, but in a good way. It was certainly much better than the sickly body I used to own, the dull gray city I used to live in.
I had to rest after only what I judged to be an hour of walking. My previous sickly human body I knew wouldn't be able to take this at all, but I expected this new pony body to be able to endure. Then again, it did just pop into existence. I had all of one hour's exercise with it so far. So I laid down in the grass, tucking my legs under me into a comfortable position.
I lay there for a few minutes, watching a bee as it went from flower to flower picking up nectar. It was a calming sort of experience after my excitement of being in this body. I couldn't recall the last time I saw a bee. There weren't that many to see where I came from.
I took some time to examine myself a bit more. I was a stallion, but felt like my body was a bit smaller than normal. But that was okay. I knew these ponies weren't the judgemental type. My coat was thin, which was good because I didn't know how long I would be out here. And I had a horn, which meant that I was a unicorn. That made me smile wider than before. Although I didn't know how to use magic quite yet, I could learn. It would be better than working with my teeth like an earth pony all the time.
I spent the next few hours walking, watching as the sun rose farther and farther into the sky, resting every so often. During this time, I tried to think of a story to tell these people. These ponies. Telling them I was a human who was transported here was out of the question. As friendly as I knew the ponies here to be, I didn't want them to think that I was crazy. Not to mention, even as friendly and accepting as they were, there was still a slight chance they'd try to send me back if they found out, and I was not going to go back. I also had to remember to stay vague. I knew a lot about this world already, but I didn't know everything. I'd give a general, believable story without too many details, and if they pressed, I'd stay vague and ask them about themselves.
I decided to go with the 'I'm a stallion traveling Equestria' story. It was a good all-purpose story. My home would be wherever I was at the time, but now I was looking for a place to settle down permanently. I thought it seemed like a good enough story. I was just thinking about what my name should be when something shocking happened: my stomach growled.
My stomach growling wasn't the shocking part. My new body had never had food before, and I'd been walking for the past few hours. It was to be expected. No, the shocking part was the nervousness, almost fear, that had set in at my stomach's growl. I was hungry and alone with no house or pony in sight. So what? I'd gone days without food before, and compared to my previous problems, this shouldn't even make me blink. And yet, the anxiousness that had set in forced my body to break into a light trot. I wanted to find somebody quickly. I wanted to get out of here. I wanted to go home.
"No!" I thought, forcing myself to stop. "What are you, five? Get ahold of yourself. Have you really forgotten what your 'home' is like in the last three hours?"
"No, but… I'm scared," some other childish part of me thought.
"What is wrong with you? This is scary? This is the friendliest place in the whole universe! How could being lost with a little 'rumble in your tummy' possibly be scared enough to want to go home? You life sucked!"
Still, the fear and anxiousness and nervousness persisted, but I forced myself to walk anyway. Evidently, my new body had a natural nervous energy about it, which would explain my earlier jittery feeling, but I could live with that. It was still infinitely better than my old human body. I had a natural calmness about me, so I was pretty sure I could tune it out.
I continued on for the next several hours, alternating between walking and resting, as the terrain began to get more hilly with an increasing amount of trees. Night was approaching and my new body was very hungry and starting to get thirsty after a full day of walking. Not to mention, tired. I'd been fighting it's inclination to be fearful and panicky at the thought of being lost all day, and was doing a pretty good job of staying in control. That was, at least, until I stood atop one of the hills and saw a forest in front of me.
My body started to shake at the thought of having to cross through it. I wanted to walk right in, but my new pony body said no, and this time, I couldn't fight it. I tried desperately to get it to keep walking, but I could only stand there and shake.
"What's wrong with you?" I thought. "Why won't you go?"
"I want to, but…"
"But what? Is there someone else in here with me?"
"No, it's just me..."
"Then why won't I go forward?"
"Because I'm scared."
"What are you afraid of? No ponies have ever even died in this show."
"I know but…" my thought quivered. "I'm hungry and thirsty and lost and alone."
I rolled my eyes. "And what? You wanna go home? Back to that mess?"
"Yeah…"
"Well too bad, we're here now. There's no way to go home. And even if there was a way to get home, I don't want to go. We haven't even been here a day."
I tried once again to move forward, but my shaking legs denied me, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of having to go into that forest.
"I don't want to go in," I thought. "I'm afraid."
This was making me angry. What was happening? I was supposed to be in control of this body, not it in control of me. Its nervousness and anxiousness were infecting my thoughts, making them nervous and anxious along with it. I wasn't naturally this way. It was this new pony body. I should have been more specific about my conditions in my wish.
"Or maybe, this is you," I thought. It was a possibility. Maybe since my mind was finally clear of all of what was wrong for me, the real me was taking over. The thought was horrible, so horrible that I immediately dismissed it. No, this was the wish granters fault, or, at the very most, my dumb, drug-filled mind not being specific enough with my wish. I mean, I did only wish to be in Equestria, and that guy was practically a genie. And I wouldn't put it past a genie to pull something like this. But at least the joke was on him. My life right now, lost, hungry, alone, and afraid to continue forward, it was still far better than it was yesterday.
So with that, I lay down with a humph. While the nervous, fearful, pony part of me was making me sniffle back tears, my human mind, despite the current situation, was still ecstatic that I was here.
Well, the writing could use some practice, but that will come over time at it, I do like the premise of the story with a guy struggling with his previous drug addictions along with his chronic anxiety issues in life (I perfectly understand the feeling), and how he want to turn a new leaf in life but his mental issues if preventing him from enjoying this new chance and will probably be struggling with not falling into old habits a lot. I am looking forward to see what you will come up with for this story.
Also, if you are looking for another cover art, I am open for commissions, you might have seen my work around without realizing it; just PM me if you wish to to discus this further. Here is the link to my DA gallery: https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
I wish you good luck on your story.
10049804
Yeah, my writing does need a lot of improvement. It doesn't help that I have a really bad habit of freewriting. So bad that I actually started writing this without a clear idea of what I wanted to do with this. But I have an ending I want to get to now, I just don't know how I'm going to get there, other than a bunch of general ideas for plot points. But this isn't going to be something that goes on forever.
I must say I'm flattered, though I hardly invented the concept of spontaneous pony transformation
I'll be following this story closely. A decent start, but you might want to make the chapters a bit longer - if you're releasing content in a serial format you want to have the reader feel like there's some kind of progression in each chapter. Ideally each chapter will have it's own mini story arc; a series of events building up to the end of the chapter which has some kind of resolution or escaliation. You want each chapter to feel satisfying when they finish it.
Grammar wasn't too bad, but try to get a proofreader or feed it through an AI proofreading service - those are tools every writer should use.
10050913
Your advice on chapters makes a whole lot more sense than what I was thinking a chapter should be. I've always been thinking of a chapter as a transition rather than a mini-arc, which would explain why, when I write, my chapters struggle to even break a thousand words. It will be advice well taken.
Also, on grammar, the way I write just makes it seem like I have the worst grammar possible when it's mostly intentional. I guess it sounds better in my head than it looks on paper. I can get that cleaned up.
Was protagonist turned into colt?
10051333
Yes
This is an interesting start. I could always use more content like this, and I really liked the inspiration story, well really like since it isn't over yet.
10050934
chapters are a hard thing to deal with, it may be easier to instead of trying to write a chapter write a scene. so like one general location and one thing that happens there, and then string those scenes together thematically into chapters, of course one chapter may just have one single scene or it could contain ten, so there is still a lot of leeway in this advice. There isn't a single right way to write a story, but the guidelines exist for a reason, they work and because they do you can mimic them. I freewrite all of my stories and while it presents its own challenges it doesn't make it less valid. Free write, or plotting are both valid writing strategies they just require different second steps to completing them. With free writing you really need to make a second pass of a partial rewrite partial heavy edit so as to make sure it makes sense and stays sort of on topic.
Damn nice start. Its good to see a human that suffered greatly get a second chance. A change for the better if he works hard for it.
Ah'm hesitant ta read. Those tags are pretty, pretty spooky. Ah wondehr if yer the author ta just kill off the main character fer the drahma.
Hmmmmmm. :o
Interesting, you'd think getting a new body would skip withdrawal. Or he doesn't realize he's age regressed yet. 🔞
I realise there's some kind of unspoken agreement in this community not to complain about Mix-up's disturbing artstyle, but wow. Hiding it in the middle of a chapter like that is a shock. I thought the main character's new body was healthier than the old one.
Seems like a fine start writing-wise so far. Not much of a hook at the beginning, but I'm willing to see where this goes.
10395974
what an awful agreement. that art is terrible
10451082
Having checked out a number of his speedpaints for... research, I guess. I would say the issue with Mix Up's art is that he doesn't understand facial expressions, the structure of a horse's mouth and is a bit too quick with sketch layers. This is coupled with him detailing every texture as though it's metal or plastic, with too dark shadows and too bright highlights.
Excessive, inaccurate detail over creepy, inaccurate body forms. Which does mean he's actually quite good at drawing robots. They don't get the uncanny valley effect so much.
Not that you're probably interested. I just always wonder why his art is on so many covers for fimfiction stories. Looks like it's been taken out of this one.
10049804
*demise
just kidding lol.
Considering my body has never talked back and has never failed to move when desired; yeah, i really think there is. First chapter sets the president that something is really messed up in that brain of yours. Multipersonality syndrome? A passenger?
10451369
so glad somepony else understands it. i thought i was the only one who was literally turned off from reading stories with his art on the cover, even if the plot seemed good!