• Published 24th Jan 2020
  • 10,330 Views, 498 Comments

Mind Over Matter - Boopy Doopy



I got one wish. So what did my drugged mind come up with? To be a pony in Equestria.

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Telling (continued)

“Do you feel a little better?” Doctor Spark asked after being silent for several minutes, releasing me from her grasp.

“A little,” I sniffed, laying back down. Even though I hated the fact that I now had full knowledge of just exactly what Blue Mist did, I did have to admit that telling her made me feel a tiny bit better. But not much.

She was silent for a few more seconds as she stared at me, before breaking it with a question. “Do you like your dad, Leo?” she suddenly asked me.

“Um, I don’t know. I guess,” I answered, caught off guard by the question. “Why?”

“Well, I was wondering if it was okay if he visited you sometimes. I’d be there when he saw you if he did. But that would only be if you wanted to see him.”

I honestly didn’t feel up to seeing him. Not because I didn’t like him, but because I knew he would be sad. Not only that, but I didn’t even care to see my human parents. I didn’t really miss them, and I didn't think I'd care much to see this Leo's father either. But I did feel a little bad for Lucky Day. Other than his obliviousness, he didn’t really do anything wrong.

“Sure,” I told her simply.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” she told me. “You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”

I felt like we’d had this conversation before, back at the hospital, and I, or at least, this body, reacted negatively. But to be fair, Blue Mist was also there before.

“I’m fine. I’ll see him.”

“Is tomorrow okay?” she asked. “Or do you want to wait for a different day?”

“Tomorrow is okay.”

“Okay, I’ll tell him, and he and I will be here tomorrow,” she said as she stood up. “Was there anything you wanted to talk about before I leave for the day?”

For some reason, the way she asked me that made me hesitate for a moment. I once again wanted to tell her that I was human, and tell her exactly why this whole situation was my fault. But I instead chose to stay silent and shake my head, expecting her to leave with that.

Of course, however, she saw my hesitation, and opted to lay back down in front of me. “What is it, Leo?” she asked softly.

I shook my head again. “It’s nothing,” I sighed.

“You can tell me whatever you want,” she encouraged. "I'm here to listen."

I sighed again, giving in, deciding that, at this point, it didn't matter all that much. Whether I told her I was a human before or not, she wasn't going to believe me, which I guessed was a good thing. But I still wanted to tell her. At least in a way where I would know what I meant and it would make sense to her. I quickly tried to think of some way to say what I wanted without her thinking I was crazy.

"Well…" I started, "sometimes… I like to pretend I'm not me." Which was my way of introducing the idea of ‘I’m not actually a pony’.

“You like to pretend you aren’t you?” she asked politely, tilting her head. “Who do you pretend to be?”

A third time I sighed, looking at the ground saying, “I… pretend that I had a good family who cared about me.”

I glanced up, expecting her to put on a smile, seeing instead her stay expressionless, politely waiting for me to continue. “And then?”

I stared at the ground again. “And then I screwed it all up, and now I’m this colt cause I was dumb and stupid.”

It was sort of true. If I cared about myself more and wasn’t stupid, I wouldn’t have been in a position to be here. Not that I didn’t like being here. I absolutely loved it. But this whole situation was stifling that feeling.

“Did anypony ever tell you that it was your fault for what happened?” she asked.

“No. It just is, cause I was dumb.”

Before I knew it, I was being wrapped up again. Although, instead of telling me that it was going to be okay, she said something different.

“I don’t want to hear you say that anymore, alright?” she told me, keeping her arms around me. “You’re not dumb, you’re not stupid, and it’s not your fault for what happened.”

“I feel that way,” I told her, closing my eyes. “And I can’t help it, cause it is.”

“Why do you feel that way?”

“I just do. I want to be happy, but it’s hard to do when I have to constantly think about… everything!

I felt the frustration I had at the hospital returning, tears starting to form once again. I knew I was just feeling sorry for myself right then, but I couldn't help but start to get worked up, crying for the first time since… I didn't know. I’d been crying a lot lately, so much that it was kind of starting to blend together for me.

She rubbed my back as she let me cry for a few minutes, placing my head near hers. It was comforting, although I hated admitting to myself that it was nice to be comforted by her. It wasn't an overwhelming feeling of comfort like it would have been with Herbal Essence, but it did chip away at some of my self-loathing.

Once I started to calm down again, she asked, “Do you know what I’m going to tell you?”

“You’re going to say it’s going to get better,” I responded, breathing deeply, stoping my tears and wiping my eyes.

“You're right,” she confirmed. “And it will. I promise. I know it seems like it’s going slow now, but a little bit today and a little bit tomorrow eventually adds up. And soon, you’ll feel a lot better.”

“I guess that’s true,” I answered thoughtfully, thinking, “And I’m pretty sure they say that kind of thing in rehab.”

She then set me back down and looked me in the eyes. “I want you to promise me you won’t say those things anymore, okay?” she whispered. “You’re not dumb, and I don’t want to hear you say that anymore. Neither does Herbal Essence.”

I automatically flinched at the thought of her listening to me say those things about myself. "I'm sorry," I told her simply.

"You don't need to be sorry, okay? I just don't want you to say those things because they're not true. I know you don't believe me right now, but I promise you're not dumb, and it's not your fault."

"Okay."

"Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?" I shook my head, and she stood up again. "I'll be back tomorrow, and then on Wednesday, we can practice your magic some more. How does that sound?"

"It sounds good," I answered. It sounded much better than today was, but at least we were largely past all of this now. "I do feel a little better," I admitted.

She gave me a small smile. "That's good to hear. I just need to talk to Thundertail, and then I'll see you later, okay?"


Ivory Spark mentally kicked herself. She should have asked him more about what he pretended about. She could've gotten a better handle on why he felt the way he did. It was clear his saying he pretended was his attempt to express that he felt like he did something wrong. The most likely explanation was that he was convinced by his mother that he deserved what she had done. There were a couple of other possible reasons for him feeling the way he did, but this was by far the most likely.

She wished she had gotten more to go off of, but decided it was fine. What he told her was more than enough information to work with to help him, and she didn't want to keep on pressing him. She could work with what he told her, and when he was ready he'd tell her more.

She stepped into the room Thundertail was in, and saw that he'd been watching the conversation the two had, although was likely unable to hear what was said.

"He's not mad at me is he?" the stallion asked quickly, slightly nervous.

"No," she started, "but I am confused as to why you thought it would be a good idea to bring him with you to counseling."

"Well, Saturday is Herbal's busiest day at the shop, so I thought it'd be better if I brought him with me," he answered, as though it was perfect reasoning.

She closed her eyes, restraining herself from raising her voice at him. "That would have been nice to know before," she said, making a mental note to speak to Helping Hoof. "Next week, I'll be here early so that doesn't happen again."

"Can I ask why you're making me go to individual counseling?"

"Because I think it'll be better for you than a group meeting," Ivory Spark answered dismissively. "Listen, Leo's going to be seeing Lucky Day tomorrow. I'm telling you this because he might be over here with me for a few minutes to pick him up." She watched him stare at her, processing what she was saying, seeming confused. "And I don't want you to say anything to him while he's here," she finished, speaking slowly, as though she were talking to a foal younger than Leo.

"You don't think-"

"Yes," she interrupted, a bit of a tone in her voice. "He told me that he's still angry at you."

"And that's why you're making me go to counseling," he muttered.

"No, I'm making you go because I think you're impulsive, you have a record, and it's my job. And muttering things to yourself just reinforces the perception that I already have."

"And how am I supposed to be able to change what you think of me?"

"By visiting Helping Hoof without complaining," she told him, "and watching what you say, especially around Leo." She got a look from him at that, a slightly embarrassed one, and took a deep breath, letting her annoyance leave with the exhale. "Look," she started again, a bit more nicely, "most ponies with public intoxication on their record wouldn't have even been in consideration to be a foster parent. I know you're young, but I think you have it in you to be somepony Leo can look up to. You just need to… work a little bit harder at it. That's why I'm letting him stay with you two to begin with. Because I have faith that you'll be a good father for him."