Mind Over Matter

by Boopy Doopy

What Is Said

"Don't look at me," I said while looking down at the floor, embarrassed.

"Why do you care?" I thought. "You've done more embarrassing and humiliating things than this in your human body. Hell, you bathed in front of these ponies this morning."

"You know that's not the same," my human mind told me. "Besides, I didn't care before in my old body. Now I do."

"Please don't look at me," I said again, and Doctor Spark turned around. I was still uncomfortable though, and asked, "Can you leave the room?"

"I have to be in here to make sure you don't hurt yourself, Leo," she told me.

My human mind humphed at that. "You hurt yourself once and you can't even be trusted to not do it again," it thought sarcastically.

"Well," I thought, "it was actually twice, and despite knowing that they knew about the first time, you still thought it would be a good idea to lie. So it's understandable they don't trust you."

"Just pretend I'm not even here," she said.

"That's kind of hard to do when you're right there," my human mind thought.

“I want to die,” I mumbled as I stared at the ground. Doctor Spark quickly looked over her shoulder, and I realized what I’d said. “Of embarrassment!” I added, frustrated.

“Please don’t say things like that, Leo,” she told me. “Even if you don’t really mean them. Those are things we don't joke about.”

I huffed at that. “I hate myself,” I grumbled as I scratched at my face.

Several minutes later, I was being helped back into bed. “Was there anything else you needed?” Doctor Spark asked.

“You mean other than to die of humiliation?” I thought.

“No,” I told her, still staring at the ground.

"Is there anything you want to do right now?"

"Not really."

"Okay, how about we play a game?" she offered.

I sighed. "Fine," I said, as I reached up to scratch my face. She stopped me halfway through the motion and gently set my hoof back on the bed with her magic.

"Remember what I said about that?" she told me, raising her eyebrows and offering a slight smile.

I growled slightly at that, and watched as she took a small black box out of one of the cabinets.

"This game is easy," she explained as she opened the box and dumped its contents in front of me. There were several circular chips in front of me, each a different color and size. "All you have to do is put these chips back in the box."

"And how do I do that?"

"With your magic, silly," she told me with a chuckle. "Just concentrate and imagine picking them up. The smaller ones will be easier to do than the bigger ones."

"Okay…" I said as I focused on a small blue one, no bigger than a penny. It was much more difficult than she made out. I stared at it for a few minutes, trying to ignore my itching, willing it to move, before I gave up.

"I can't do this," I told Doctor Spark, slightly upset.

"How about you just try grabbing at it?" she suggested.

I once again reached up to scratch, and once again was stopped before I could. "It's hard to concentrate with this itching," I complained.

"You can do it," she encouraged, putting a hoof on my shoulder. "Just give it a try."

I exhaled sharply and put my attention back on the chip, trying to ignore my itching. I fought back the urge to bite my cheek again in frustration and tried to concentrate. However, another few minutes passed, and still nothing was happening.

"You're pathetic," my human mind told me. "You can't even pick up a chip? I'm pretty sure a two-year-old could do this."

"That's because a two-year-old would have had two more years of experience at being a pony than me."

"Maybe it's because you're itchy. If you asked for some medicine…"

"I can't do this!" I said angrily as I reached up to scratch for the third time. For the third time, I was stopped, and was getting fed up with it. "Don't cry," I silently told my pony body as I ground my teeth.

"Leo," Doctor Spark asked me concerned, "are you sure you don't want any medicine for your itch?"

"Why do you guys keep asking me that?" I yelled at her.

"What do you think is going to happen if I give you medicine?" she asked me.

"I don't know!" I said defensively.

"Do you think somepony will hurt you?"

"No!"

"Do you think you'll hurt yourself?"

I stayed silent at that and closed my eyes. "It might not do anything," my human mind told me, trying to convince me. "Like I said before, I doubt they'd give a colt something addictive."

"Shut up," I thought. "I don't care,".

"Leo, I promise I wouldn't give you anything that would hurt you," she said as I heard her pick up the bottle from the counter Doctor Night placed it on. "I'd be here to make sure you don't hurt yourself."

"I don't believe you," I thought, trying not to bite my cheek in frustration.

I opened my eyes and saw that she'd already taken a tablet out and broken it in two. "What about half, Leo?"

"Come on," my human mind said. "Half a tablet can't possibly hurt us."

"I already said no! Now shut up!" I told my human mind as I shook my head at Doctor Spark.

"Leo, I need you to trust me when I say it won't hurt you."

I didn't know why, but that line sounded a bit familiar, and I didn't like it. A lot of what she said sounded farmiliar. You have to trust me. It's not going to hurt you.

"Just say yes already. You're just delaying the inevitable,".

"Just shut up!" I yelled aloud to my human mind. "I! Don't! Want! It! I'm not going to take it, so just shut up!".

Doctor Spark looked at me with surprise, thinking my outburst was directed at her. "What do you expect me to do?" I asked defensively, my pony eyes once again becoming wet. "I don't want that, I can't scratch, and I know it's only going to get worse, so what do you expect me to do? Cry?". I reached my hoof up to scratch, and was stopped once again. "I hate my life!" I yelled at her as I started to shake. She hugged me once again, and I resisted my pony body's urge to cry. "And I hate this itching!" I yelled, wishing I had fists to clench.

“I’m sorry, Leo,” she whispered. “I should’ve known better. If you don’t want any, I won’t ask again.”

I was silent for a minute. This was the second time I’d thrown a tantrum in front of her, and the second time she hugged me to try and calm me down. I didn’t know if there was a certain technique she used, or if she just had a way about her, but she was once again effective in killing my anger. She radiated warmth and safety and gave me and my pony body a natural feeling of trust. “I don’t want to see you suffer,” she silently told me. “I just want to help you.”

“_{I’ll just take a quarter},” I said, almost inaudible.

“What?” Doctor Spark asked.

I sighed. “Nothing,” I told her, still a bit frustrated, almost wishing she’d heard me and relieved that she didn't.

“Did you want to go back to our game?” she asked politely.

I sighed. “Yes,” I answered, trying to ignore the fact it sounded like she was speaking to a five-year-old. "It's not really much of a game, though," I thought. Still, I tried to concentrate on grabbing at the chip. After what felt like an eternity, I saw a tiny sliver of transparent blue magic start to wrap around it. It got about a third of the way around before my itching broke my concentration again.

"That's good," Doctor Spark told me, holding my hoof in place to keep me from scratching. “I think we’ll stop for now, but-”

“I want to keep going,” I interrupted.

“I understand, but I can’t stay for too much longer, and I do want to get to know you a little better while I’m here tonight. But we can work on this tomorrow when I come back if you’d like.”

“I hate that tone you have,” I thought. “I am not a five year old, so stop talking to me like I am.”

“Fine,” I told her, slightly disappointed. “These ponies are nosey,” my human mind thought.

“If there’s anything you don’t feel comfortable answering, you can tell me, okay?” she said. I rolled my eyes, staying silent, and she continued. “Do you ever feel different, Leo?”

“Different, how?” I asked immediately.

“Well, do you feel like you’re not you?”

“The only acceptable answer is no,” my human mind thought.

“I guess,” I said.

“Do you know why or how you feel different?”

“I feel like a colt!” I almost snapped, stopping myself from rolling my eyes.

Doctor Spark raised her eyebrows at this, looking genuinely surprised by my answer. “Do you not think you should be a colt?” she questioned.

“No!” I said, getting worked up for what felt like the hundredth time that day. “I hate how young I am and how little control I have over anything, and I hate the fact that… argh!”

It took every ounce of self control I had not to finish that sentence. I knew I had to start keeping myself from getting worked up. I knew that she was only trying to help, but I didn’t want to reveal everything about myself to these ponies, even if my colt body did.

“You hate the fact that what?” Doctor Spark asked quietly.

“Nothing,” “I told her, slightly bitter, trying to calm down. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

"Can you tell me how long you felt this way?" she asked.

"No," I said as I scratched my face, grateful that she didn’t stop me from doing so.

“That’s okay,” she said sweetly. She paused, then asked, “Do you ever have trouble fitting in?”

I thought, deciding my response. I decided to be honest. “I have no idea,” I said.

She raised her eyebrows again. “You don’t know?”

“I don’t have any friends,” I told her. It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t really count the people who lived next to me on the street as my friends.

“Are you ever teased or bullied, Leo?”

“No,” I said, “I just… don’t have any friends.”

“Do you not want any?”

I shrugged. “I guess not.”

She picked up her clipboard to write something down, then turned her attention back to me. “Do you ever feel like you’re not treated fairly?”

“Yes,” I thought. “For example, that guy only gave me one wish, when genies usually grant three.”

“Yes,” my pony body said, answering a little more quietly than before.

“How so?”

Why did I say yes? I didn’t actually think I was treated unfairly. In fact, I’d argue I was dealt a pretty good hand in life. It was my own actions that screwed me over, not anyone else.

“I don’t know,” I told her.

“Do you ever feel like you mess things up, Leo?”

“Yeah, my whole life.”

“Sometimes,” I said truthfully, my pony body tired of being resistant. I already told her I felt like I would screw everything up during my first tantrum, so there was no reason to lie now.

“What do you think would happen to you if you messed something up?”

“Going to sleep wouldn't be fun,” I thought to myself, referring to the discomfort sleeping in the street.

“Why would you not like sleeping, Leo?”

I looked at Doctor Spark, confused by her question. “You said that out loud, idiot!” my human mind told me. I quickly tried to backtrack. “I don’t- I don’t- I wouldn't actually hate going sleep,” I stammered out, trying to backtrack.

“Oh, Leo…” she said, sounding sad. “I promise we wouldn’t do anything to hurt you here.”

“Nothing happens when I sleep!” I said defensively. “And even if something did happen, it would be my own fault.”

“Why did you have to say it like that?” my human mind asked. “Just stop talking! You’re making it worse!”.

“No, Leo,” Doctor Spark told me, giving me another hug. “It wouldn’t be your fault. Nopony should make you feel that way.”

I opened my mouth to say something else, but stopped myself. The damage was already done, and anything else I said would, at best, fall on deaf ears. I sighed. They probably already thought I was an abuse victim anyway. Whether I said that I I would hate where I slept or not wasn’t going to change anything. Except now, there would be more questions.

“To be fair, though,” I thought, making sure my mouth was closed, “the only other possible explanation would be that I was a recovering drug addict.”

"No pony should ever make you feel that way," she whispered, my pony body accepting her comforting words.

Comments

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

“No, Leo,” Doctor Spark told me, giving me another hug. “It wouldn’t be your fault. Nopony should treat you that way,”.

No, it wouldn't be a 5 year old's fault.
It might be a 15 year old's fault

[Greenhorne]

It's difficult to tell what's being said aloud as opposed to thoughts sometimes. It might be a an idea to have a consistent way to format them. I tend to use italics and start a new line for thoughts as opposed to writing them as direct speech - there's many other ways to do it though, there's no set convention.

Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

[Boopy Doopy]

I do see what you mean about what's being said aloud now that you mention it, and I'll work to make that more clear. Although, typically (around 95% of the time), if it's in italics and it's not a new line, its speech unless otherwise indicated, and if it is a new line, it's a thought. This rule is usually how I distinguish multiple lines of italics or multiple lines of plain text without saying "I thought" or "I said/told" on every other line. I especially use this when writing "she said", "I thought", and "I said" segments, which in most cases I would structure as plain text, italics, plain text.

[Black--Soul]

He will need this childhood/foalhood to get over the issues hes dealing with. Im wonder what way he will choice ones hes over it.

[Enola Straight]

One thing that surprises me in your story is that protagonist doesn't use curses. If I were in his situation I would swear like a sailor.

[Boopy Doopy]

10088110
I did want to have him curse originally, but I didn't want to have him curse for cursing's sake. Not only that, but having him curse would have gone against the direction I want to potentially take this story in.

[Luckyfanisaac]

“Just stop talking!” my human mind said. “You’re making it worse!” .

0:59

[ZephyrStrife]

10088166
I appreciate that. Too often I find stories where a character has practically every other word be a swear word and it really takes me out of the enjoyment. They're supposed to be things that don't come often in a story so they have actual impact when a character says them. Tossing them around like Limp Bizkit does in the song Hot Dog just takes the forceful nature out of them.

Good on you, Author.

[Ziper Ace]

Just tell her the voice in your head!!! Just don’t say humans because this is your chance to start a new life