After losing his family to raiders in the equestrian wasteland, Apple Tart, an ex-guard pony from New Appleloosa, scours the wasteland hunting Raiders and searching for any sign that could tell him his daughter is still alive.
Inspired by and uses the world from the Original Fallout Equestria made by Kkat, as well as Project Horizons made by Somber.
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Well, there should be a capital "T" for "two" and a capital "T" after the fall stop. Also, you need a capital "P" for "ponies" since there's a full stop before it. Also its not "fault" it's fought.
For starters, over here it's "foal-napped" and you spelt "daughter" and"raiders" wrong.
10162446
I thank you for correcting my spelling. I'm not the best with correct spelling.
A decent start, you have a motivation for the protagonist. He's a father then? Oh, and its steel* rangers.
First of, you have an impeccable sense of comedic timing. The early combat segment with the raiders was brilliant and you definitely have potential as a writer.
A few tips would be to run the thing through a spellchecker (in microsoft word or something), always capitalize the first letter in a sentence (even in dialogue).
A few things I noted.
-"Witch" means a herbalist and mage, you meant to use "which".
-"Bye" is what you say when someone leaves, I think you wanted "by".
-"kindove"is probably supposed to be "kind of".
-"cote should be "coat".
-"ironi is spelled "irony".
And, towards the end of the chapter when he looks at his photo. He was part of the family, use "we" instead of "they" for a more emotional effect.
Must say, I absolutely love Ergate as a character and look forward to her reactions to absolutely everything. Meeting ponies, eating new food, seeing places, learning about things.
Will try to get back to you concerning various topoes and misused words I noticed.
Thank you!
I realize now that I made a typo when writing typo, ironic. Anyhow, here are a few things I caught. First, "A, ant, pony?", this looks like you miswrote something. "haemolymph" is a fairly technical term and I am not sure anypony in the wasteland would know it. Otherwise, some misspelled words:
"seigh" = sigh
"agian" = "again"
"Witch" = "which"
"cents" = "sense"
"yhea" = "yeah"
"sence" = "since"
"thru" = "through"
Thru' is dialectal, southern US I believe, but it looks weird when the rest of the text isn't written in the same dialect.
10167630
I am a southern american, so it's an easy mistake for me to make. Thank you for helping me with my spelling errors, I really appreciate it.
I am really enjoying the start of your story. While you have made a few typo's overall it is very readable and I am looking forward to future chapters.