• Member Since 27th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen 16 hours ago

starwars90001


pinkie is god

Comments ( 12 )

Interesting. What got you the idea? Also, I hope Somber likes it should he see it and be okay with it.

9957734
The idea was simply just reimaging the story nothing more. I wanted to tell a tale of the way people may see Blackjack's story.

9958273
Okay, sounds good. Hope Somber won't mind.

i tried a srory with Scotch Tape landing on Earthg, baclfired a bit but I completed the story still

9958273
Similar to you, I did it because I like her

Remedy groined a bit

Groaned (I hope :rainbowwild:)

some carried medical packs with them in case of a problem, and considering the area...

...and the voice of some pony who'd sell you anything.

...tents and shacks where ponies sold and bought...

...she knew she had always prided herself on making...

semi diplomate

Semi-diplomat (although diplomate is actually a word)

Velvet bowed her head, she knew had always prided herself on making a good impression when meeting some pony of importance, acting as a semi diplomate of the newly formed New Canterlot Republic these types of the meeting became commonplace for her.

Maybe

'Velvet bowed her head, she knew she had always prided herself on making a good impression when meeting some pony of importance. Acting as a semi-diplomat of the newly formed New Canterlot Republic, these types of the meetings had become commonplace for her. '

Or

'Velvet bowed her head, she knew she had always prided herself on making a good impression when meeting some pony of importance, acting as a semi-diplomat of the newly formed New Canterlot Republic. These types of the meetings had become commonplace for her. '

“But I have come for more than diplomacy and aid. It’s on a more personal level that I wish to discuss with you about the Security Mare.”

That got looks from some of Bottlecap’s group but she simply nodded. “Right then. Come miss Velvet we have much to discuss in private.”

...ponies buying and selling goods, except only the ground of the mall had tents and shacks...

...a few chairs, bookcases, a monitor screen, and of course...

...then gazed at the mare ...

‘Glazed' may be more appropriate if Velvet goes into a rant and Bottlecap isn’t impressed :raritywink:

...what happened to Blackjack, and does EC1101 still exist?”

Thirteen years later and ponies are still debating what happened. While I make it my job to be a trader in all things -information included- that is something that has no clear answer.”

...Phoenix, Horizons, and Rebirth...

“I wouldn’t have come here if I thought it was useless.”

...matching of a cyber unicorn of both Blackjack’s ...

...Were not sure but the...

“I believe this could help in her search.

Is this meant to be ‘our’, or is Velvet representing a specific pony searching out Blackjack’s story? Or is it saying it could help in the search for her (‘her’ meaning Blackjack)?

Bottlecap was skeptical of Velvet’s claims but did anyway, placing the disk into her terminal and downloaded the files. When the video started...

‘but did anyway’ is a bit awkward without introducing first what Bottlecap was reluctant to do. Maybe have it
Bottlecap was skeptical of Velvet’s claims, hesitating to pick up the disc, but did anyway...

The robed mare in an unnatural fast speed...

Her forehooves then produced talons that grabbed that two more pistols

Bottlecap stared in shock as the attack lasted only a minute, yet the mare simply got back on all fours and kept walking like it was nothing. She did turn to face the pony filming her and glare though. After the recording ended, Bottlecap sighed and rubbed her forehead, she gave a questioning look. “You said this mare was spotted around Baltimare?

...around that area and areas around it. We believe it’s this mare’s doing.”

...never a trail or trace of her except her fights...

Ms. Remedy let’s say this is Blackjack. After 13 years of hiding, what makes you think she wants to be found now?

Bottlecap shack back into her chair

Slouched? Sat?

She pointed a hoof to the coal mare

...and gave Bottlecap a recurring look ...

Maybe re-assuring? Patient? I’m not sure of what facial expression and tone of voice Velvet has here

...the hero who saved the Hoof. “The main reason is that...

Extra space

...Goldenblood’s only descent who can...

‘descendant’? I know Blackjack was a descendant of Twilight, but of Goldenblood too? Psychoshy was his daughter also... right?

...and labs without advanced hacking

...and Steelpony again.” She noticed Bottlecap’s body language...

...and injury ponies ...

Should this be ‘injured’, or by ‘injury ponies’ does it refer to medics?

Velvet took the fact she wasn’t thrown out as a good sign.

...she wanted the world to learn Blackjack’s side of the story, unlike Pip, Blackjack didn’t have any pony left...

Ms. Remedy, your goal is noble, but Blackjack is still hasn’t been seen. How do you plan to find her?”

“I need you to tell me about all the people, pony or otherwise , that Blackjack met in her travels....

Fine. I will help you...

And we’ll give you records of her business with the Finders and our partners,

The Followers had been successful in...

“Deal! For this, it’s not too much.”

I can only assume Velvet’s haggling skill has continued to develop throughout the years, such that Bottlecap’s being vague on what tech she wants won’t come bite Velvet’s flank later.

Bottlecap stood up and placed her right hoof out

Thank you, Ms. Bottlecap, you’ve been a great host.”

...I need to perform another reason I was called here.

Maybe ‘(at)tend to’ another reason? I know ‘perform’ is a fitting verb to use considering the next sentences but the construction is a little awkward.

She brushed her white mane and cleared her throat. The citizens of Megamart had set up a stage...

This looks like a scene change, so a new paragraph may be a good idea.



And I am just wondering in a hopeful manner: will this story be ‘Project Horizons – Speak'-compatible? Considering that Speak is 5 years after PH while this is 13, and since I think Heartshine's plans for the story haven't become totally set, I’d like to see how well I’ll be able to keep both ~sequels in my head.
It is an intriguing story start.

9959524
Thanks for the help, I didn't send this to an editor but points like this help.

I find this story interesting and I want to see how the ponies, zebras, sand dogs, etc that have met Blackjack could tell her story.
@C_II_R has already pointed out your grammatical errors. I wanted to ask a questions:

“ The main reason is that she is Goldenblood’s only descendant who can open I.M.A hubs and labs without advanced hacking.”

First it's O.I.A. I pointed this out because I've begun to re-read "Project Horizons" recently. If you want Velvet to use a different version of this acronym, in that case you can use I.M.A.
Anyway, You are using "Goldenblood's only descendant" here, and I think that "Goldemblood's only successor" would be a better term, since she had acess to O.I.A's Projects throgh EC-1101 for some time. So I wanted to ask if I'm right or if you are meaning that Blackjack is Goldenblood's daughter, if you can tell me and it's not a spoiler?

“Blackjack disappeared after the final battle, and EC1101 was destroyed by her before hoof. Now the projects, Steelpony, Chimera, Phoenix, Horizons, and Rebirth are either destroyed and inactive, only the factories of the core still work. Really now Ms.Velvet you must have known this.”

You have exploited the fact thet BJ hasn't discovered all the Projects and you are talking about new projects and I'm very intrigued by this fact.
Let's see were your story goes.

She's a drunk deviant who routinely drags those she propenses to love into one disaster after another and whose life up until her yeeting onto a pony nazi moon base solidified her rape, dismemberment, and routine ass beatings as less sympathy inspiring as her and the universe karmic debt collector being squarsies.

There. The shortest book in the multiverse since The Big Book of SJW Societal Contributions.

Nice work!

Midnight and Marmalade, two OCs of a friend of mine have also those names

I'm pretty sure both Midnight and marmalade were both killed by Blackjack. Marm went raider and was put down and Midnight was gassed.

10402139
In main story, yes but this is another take.

I won't finish the book of Blackjack and all comes down to what that story is something I don't agree with anymore. The ideas and concepts of that story oppose what I believe in Fiction now. I will write another FOE story but I won't finish that one.

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