starwars90001
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Interesting. What got you the idea? Also, I hope Somber likes it should he see it and be okay with it.
9957734
The idea was simply just reimaging the story nothing more. I wanted to tell a tale of the way people may see Blackjack's story.
9958273
Okay, sounds good. Hope Somber won't mind.
i tried a srory with Scotch Tape landing on Earthg, baclfired a bit but I completed the story still
9958273
Similar to you, I did it because I like her
Groaned (I hope
)
Semi-diplomat (although diplomate is actually a word)
Maybe
'Velvet bowed her head, she knew she had always prided herself on making a good impression when meeting some pony of importance. Acting as a semi-diplomat of the newly formed New Canterlot Republic, these types of the meetings had become commonplace for her. '
Or
'Velvet bowed her head, she knew she had always prided herself on making a good impression when meeting some pony of importance, acting as a semi-diplomat of the newly formed New Canterlot Republic. These types of the meetings had become commonplace for her. '
‘Glazed' may be more appropriate if Velvet goes into a rant and Bottlecap isn’t impressed
Is this meant to be ‘our’, or is Velvet representing a specific pony searching out Blackjack’s story? Or is it saying it could help in the search for her (‘her’ meaning Blackjack)?
‘but did anyway’ is a bit awkward without introducing first what Bottlecap was reluctant to do. Maybe have it
Bottlecap was skeptical of Velvet’s claims, hesitating to pick up the disc, but did anyway...
Slouched? Sat?
Maybe re-assuring? Patient? I’m not sure of what facial expression and tone of voice Velvet has here
Extra space
‘descendant’? I know Blackjack was a descendant of Twilight, but of Goldenblood too? Psychoshy was his daughter also... right?
Should this be ‘injured’, or by ‘injury ponies’ does it refer to medics?
I can only assume Velvet’s haggling skill has continued to develop throughout the years, such that Bottlecap’s being vague on what tech she wants won’t come bite Velvet’s flank later.
Maybe ‘(at)tend to’ another reason? I know ‘perform’ is a fitting verb to use considering the next sentences but the construction is a little awkward.
This looks like a scene change, so a new paragraph may be a good idea.
And I am just wondering in a hopeful manner: will this story be ‘Project Horizons – Speak'-compatible? Considering that Speak is 5 years after PH while this is 13, and since I think Heartshine's plans for the story haven't become totally set, I’d like to see how well I’ll be able to keep both ~sequels in my head.
It is an intriguing story start.
9959524
Thanks for the help, I didn't send this to an editor but points like this help.
I find this story interesting and I want to see how the ponies, zebras, sand dogs, etc that have met Blackjack could tell her story.
@C_II_R has already pointed out your grammatical errors. I wanted to ask a questions:
First it's O.I.A. I pointed this out because I've begun to re-read "Project Horizons" recently. If you want Velvet to use a different version of this acronym, in that case you can use I.M.A.
Anyway, You are using "Goldenblood's only descendant" here, and I think that "Goldemblood's only successor" would be a better term, since she had acess to O.I.A's Projects throgh EC-1101 for some time. So I wanted to ask if I'm right or if you are meaning that Blackjack is Goldenblood's daughter, if you can tell me and it's not a spoiler?
You have exploited the fact thet BJ hasn't discovered all the Projects and you are talking about new projects and I'm very intrigued by this fact.
Let's see were your story goes.
She's a drunk deviant who routinely drags those she propenses to love into one disaster after another and whose life up until her yeeting onto a pony nazi moon base solidified her rape, dismemberment, and routine ass beatings as less sympathy inspiring as her and the universe karmic debt collector being squarsies.
There. The shortest book in the multiverse since The Big Book of SJW Societal Contributions.
Nice work!
Midnight and Marmalade, two OCs of a friend of mine have also those names
I'm pretty sure both Midnight and marmalade were both killed by Blackjack. Marm went raider and was put down and Midnight was gassed.
10402139
In main story, yes but this is another take.
I won't finish the book of Blackjack and all comes down to what that story is something I don't agree with anymore. The ideas and concepts of that story oppose what I believe in Fiction now. I will write another FOE story but I won't finish that one.