The Little Curiosities

by Comma Typer

Special Weapons and Magic

“…and how’s Epsilon doing?” President Aspen asks in a briefing report as deer officials of the Skogur government are gathered to discuss and debate.

“The newly revamped police tactical unit is making leaps and bounds,” goes Vice President Blackthorn, “considering the many newfound opportunities that’ve been given us.”

“Really? How so?”

---

In a gun store’s basement, a couple Equestrian unicorns rummage through the boxes, uncovering increasingly dangerous alien weapons: pistols, shotguns, rifles, grenades…

”Well, that was easy,” says one of the thugs. “Just knock ‘em out with a baseball bat floating behind their heads! I swear these deer aren’t like the deer back home… real deer would have eyes behind their backs!”

“Yeah, yeah, now let’s get all this in—“ and the leader shoves several weapons into everyone’s saddlebags, dismantling them if needed. “I don’t wanna go through the chore of guard-hunting—“

Hoof step.

“Who’s there?!”

All aim weapons at the door now suddenly open, though a hint of green just leaves their vision: potted plants right in front of them.

And a unicorn picks up a rocket launcher, loading it haphazardly—almost fumbles, nearly drops the rocket to the floor. “Hey, I’ve got an explosive weapon, and I’m not afraid to use it! Catch!”

“Wait no, Salt! You’re gonna kill us—!“

Click, off it goes—

Then a deer, all covered in bulletproof armor, antlers glowing—

Plants turn into vines, growing stems—

Rocket caught, midair, gently laid down to the ground. Defused after one more glow from the deer to deactivate.

“Get down on the ground, now!” the Epsilon deer shouts, antlers glowing, flashlight blinding from his rifle—

Jangling, multiple flashlights. Multiple guns aim at the pony perpetrators. All the Epsilon squad gets are a bunch of pistols floating at them and a sniper rifle angled the wrong way—

“So what?” says the criminal leader aiming at himself with his rifle. “You think you can outsmart us? You barely know how to use magic; we were born in it!”

“Didn’t you just see me decommission your rocket?”

“Beginner’s luck!”

Inches closer for the assault rifle with the leader’s head in its sights. “You just committed robbery, you are highly armed and dangerous, and you think this is just a game? Hands—hooves on the air, now! Weapons on the ground!”

“Make me, you mangled ex-ape!”

Clink!

Something rolling on the ground. Enough to make the criminal leader look—

A little metal can.

“Really? Some soda bottle? What do you think we are? Animals? You can’t just treat us like your old horses and—“

Poof!

Coughing, wheezing everywhere—smoke covers, squeezes their eyes.

Deer and helmets charging in, criminal weapons put aside as evidence (especially the rocket launcher). Shouts to get down on the ground now, hoofcuffs locked in, and already, perimeter set with official yellow tape.

“Well, that’s one thing taken care of,” an Epsilon member says as the rest of the police come in, already bagging several items of interest as more evidence. “Now if they weren’t so… dramatic…”

---

A bag of money is plopped onto the mastermind’s table.

“Eh? What’s this, Fosi?”

And the little leader sits down on the chair, sitting in the dank room—the den of his criminal society covered in filth and trash way back in Equestria.

“I’m done, boss. I’m done. I… if those ex-humans can call in… magic flashes without any magic at all and smoke from soda cans, I’m…”

“Once you’re in, you’re in, buddy.“ And the leader’s leader shanks a hoof down on the table. “You can’t just—“

“They’ve got… big weapons, boss! Like armor that can block arrows like nothing… but it’s is still lightweight! And I… well, I do have some of their guns, but they’re nothing like what they have! Like, like… machine guns! They go pew-pew-pew—but it’s so much faster! Like—“ spits on the table for each bullet per minute “—and they’re—“

“Look, you’re an exaggerating phony full of baloney. Even if you aren’t, you’re too much of a scaredy-cat! You leave those buckaroos to me, ya hear? Those new foals don’t know how to respect our magic legacy—“

---

A stream of bullet holes right on the wall seals the deal.

It leaves the mob boss with a strange feeling that he has never felt before: dread. “Wh-what is…th-that?!”

“Machine gun.”

And the Epsilon deer holds the hefty contraption up in his magic: a hybrid between metal and bark, stems and leaves serving as a lightning-quick reloading mechanism.

“We… usually don’t lug it around. It’s too heavy and it’s impractical in emergency situations… but I’ve heard that it scares the living daylights out of Equestrians like you. Oh, and the plants are usually for show… but don’t tell them that.”

“Oh really?! Well, what about I break your little gun?!”

Magic activated, to destroy—indeed, the gun breaks into pieces, but all guns aimed at him—

“Yeah, yeah, what’re ya gonna do? Shoot me! Because I’ve got reflexes—“

“Uh, boss?” And Fosi bumps his head honcho on the shoulder, hiding behind a crate. “Should you be tempting fate right now?”

“We’re rising stars in organized crime! We’re gonna take over the Colic Nostra, no problem! All these bullets are just smoke and mirrors… they’re nothing without real magic! Ay, come on, you deer! Put up a fight—

“Ayuh!”

Falls to the floor thanks to a wayward vine tripping him forward.

He hasn’t noticed the potted plant right beside him. Wasn’t there before.

---

“…so you’re saying we can rely on grenades, machine guns, and potted plants to do the job?” asks a befuddled Aspen.

The Vice President nods. “Yes. That is true.”

And Aspen looks at all the other members of his cabinet around the round table. “Well, that… settles things for now—“

And his heart skips a beat upon seeing a potted plant by the corner of the room—

“Oh, that’s just… the same potted plant that’s been here for… years. Stupid magic… why does it have to make nature so complicated?”

Comments

[Screw]

I still can't believe how long this fic has lasted and how long it took to reach law enforcement and military stuff

[Ninjadeadbeard]

11005276
It's Trixie. She probably assumed she was born when lightning struck a piece of solid marble.

[Venerable Ro]

Practicality'll take you a long way.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Got to love versatility and creativity. Any power set is dangerous with the right frame of mind. The botanical reloader was an especially nice touch.