The Elements Vs. Their Fiercest Enemies

by rainbowdashrules95

Chapter 5

The girls finally arrived at Ponyville. They all went back to their Picnic Area, noticing all of their food is gone. Rarity, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie went back to their houses. When Twilight got back to her house. She called down Spike.

"Yeah Twilight?"

He walked down the stairs.

"What is on your mouth Spike?"

"Nothing."

"Spike, did you eat all of our food at the picnic area?"

"NO.... yes."

"Oh Spike."

"What?"

"That food was for us."

"Sorry."

"It's Okay. I just need to use the bathroom, and I have to head back out."

Twilight went to the bathroom, and went back out. Spike tagged along too. Twilight arrived at their picnic area, same with Pinkie and Rarity.

"So, did anyone find out who ate the food?" asked Applejack.

Twilight moved her eyes on Spike.

"Nope." said Twilight.

"Lets forget the old food and eat the new food!" said Pinkie with joy.

They all enjoyed their food and had a good time, and lived happily ever after.

The End.

Comments

[Manes]

the Pain 6

Pain 6

6

[Pyriel]

4294998 unfortunately, I think he is.

[The Orthodox Priesthood]

Scarity?
Not even Disparity? Despairity?

[Mr Ignorable]

4294998 4295034 4295038
24.media.tumblr.com/961d9aae35500fb941e06d85811c45f5/tumblr_mg0gdqZumA1qdlz9io1_250.gif

The only appropriate image.

[Krazy Stargazer]

I can't in good conscience fav this
There are a lot of good ideas here but you do not articulate them enough. Ypu need to really make the reader 'feel' and identify with the charecters, the best way to do that is with lot's and lots of details!

I see potential in this story though...and make the chapters longer

[Pyriel]

4295145 2spooky!

[Bongo Bongo]

I just shot my knees off

[rainbowdashrules95]

I have to say this, if you don't like the story, then why the hell are you commenting?! This is one of my first stories so if you don't like it, don't even comment on it!

[Silver Starlight]

4295223 But then how will you get better?

[Lord Destrustor]

4295223
Because this is the internet.
Anonymity breeds brutal honesty.
If you post something for all the world to see, you better bet all the world will have something to say about it. No one will hold back for the sake of your ego.

Get used to it.

[Reeve]

I was going to do a review of this story, but after actually reading it (which didn't take very long thankfully or I might have had an aneurysm) I can only give one piece of constructive criticism...
Kill it with fire. Delete every copy you have of this, there is nothing worth salvaging, it is literally 100% terrible. Start from scratch, get an editor and a proofreader... a different writer would probably be a good idea as well. And next time don't construct a story around a crappy piece of art, instead try putting a minimum amount of thought into it.

[ThatWeatherstormChap]

4295145
Spooked my guts off.

[Sunken EldritchSpires]

I am afraid that this was not exactly an intelligent idea for a fanfic.

Hope you get better at this business in the future.

[Umachan]

4295223
Yeah, sorry but the world doesn't work that way.

You see, what we have here is an idea that in the hands of a better author could have been actually well done. Instead what we get is a bit of a problem because the story is rushed and not exceptionally well thought out.

You have 5 chapters, all under 600 words. This is not a good sign as most stories should have at least 1000 words per chapter. Actually I usually tell people to shoot for 1200 at a minimum but you need at least 1000 words to get your story published in the first place so why not go over?

Then there's the dialogue that's really not natural sounding. When writing dialogue, see if you can hear the character in question speaking those lines. If it sounds off, change it.

You've got some random capitalization happening. Seriously, in some cases Every Single Word Is Capitalized. There's no reason for that. Change it.

And finally you are rushing the payoff. You need to craft these things. Think about the story as a woman. If you immediately jump her the moment she walks in the door you're done before she's even warmed up. You need to take your time. Hold her. Kiss her. Caress her. Give her a foot rub if necessary. But you don't immediately drop your metaphorical pants and expect her to get immediately into the mood. With your story you want to build it up slowly. Take your time. Give background and meaning to the events that are happening. Don't go overboard mind you, but you need to give a bit.

[Fre3doM]

With a like/dislike ratio like that, this is bound to be good.

4295223 That, mon ami, is because a lot of people on le ihternet get off by being assholes, or they're trying to point out your errors. One of the two.

[BlinkyPony]

In Canterlot, There Is A Huge Chrisis Going On. The Changelings Are Back And Badder Than Ever!

>using a cheesy movie slogan in a letter from the princess
>never mind the fact that "badder" isn't a word
>neither is "chrisis"
>citation needed

I'd suggest an editor, if only to make this thing somewhat readable. Beyond that? Meh, I can't even read it for fun. It's just bad in that plain ol' boring and bad way. I'm kinda disappointed, honestly.

4295896 I'm guessing that "disguise" thing might have been calling to the transformation spell that Twilight used in the breezies episode. I'm kinda fuzzy on the specifics of it, though.

[Quillamore]

4295986

Why do I get the feeling that "chrisis" was intentionally spelled that way to make a bad Chrysalis pun?

[BlinkyPony]

4296332
Our minds do funny things when we try to make sense of stuff.

For example, my mind actually went and held my higher life functions hostage as a direct result of reading this, thanks in part to my mind simply being fed up with its worthless existence and deciding there would be a quick way out. There were fierce disputes involving many tense hours of negotiation between a common sense and a need for senseless drama, which thankfully ended in little bloodshed. (For one side, at least.)

Those highlight reels probably won't be going away anytime soon, though.

[BlinkyPony]

Just gonna leave this here...

~Blinkie

[Spooky Moon]

my reaction to this story