• Member Since 27th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 23rd, 2014

BrendanandJohn


Yes, I like constructive criticism

E

It has been a few months since Luna has gotten back, and she's been feeling rather worthless. What will happen when an mysterious Alicorn tries to cheer her up.

*Please, for the love of all that is good, don't look at the words "Mysterious Alicorn" and want to pike my body. Just read, and then criticize*

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 13 )

Well, damn. At first I was like: Alicorn OC? Dafuq? Then I read the description:
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/295/561/d99

After reading:
assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/citizen_cane.gif

That, good sir, was beautiful. Take all my thumbs.

Like, Fav, Thumbs Up, 5 stars, 10/10, 100% genius.

You, dear Sir, have portrayed the relationship just gloriously.

That was beautiful. You portrayed Luna and Tia perfectly. Cery well written. I look forward to more of your stories in the future.

First, I was like :rainbowhuh:

Then, I was like :rainbowlaugh:

Then, I was like :raritystarry:

That was amazing. A few grammar things here and there that if you yourself have read through the story can find and fix them, but other than that great job! :pinkiehappy:

1061370

I'm glad you gave it a chance than.

1061666

I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I was actually afraid that their relationship might seem off.

1061753

Thank you. I really tried to make them seem in character to some degree.

I appreciate your interest in my writing. Keep an eye out, I would like to try to get something up, whether it be a story or a chapter, every week.

1062143

I'm going to assume that is good.

1062360

Arg, I know. I definitely have to re read it and make some corrections. Thank you for reading though.

1063742 I'm glad I did too :twilightsmile: It deserves a lot more views and upvotes than it got!

1063796

Thanks, that means a lot to me.

1063742
Oh, definitely.

I have a soft spot for Luna/Celestia fics. This is one of my new favorites. Well done :3

It could use some minor spelling and grammar revision, but overall, I liked it.

Also, Snuggles Fluff was a surprisingly refreshing OC. I can usually predict how stories are going to end, but yours threw me off twice.

Thoughts:

the first scene started well, but then got to quick
too much telling and not showing

the meeting with snuggles was a little too awkward.
when luna talks to snuggles, the paragraph should be a little more descriptive and less to the point.

their speech manner sounds too informal
the reveal was too text-book like. let's get more of luna's thoughts on it

However, I liked your idea. I'm glad I read it. And sorry I took forever.

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