Aurora the Void Dragon
Joined 26th Dec, 2017 ·
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think you mean "for"
second one: What?
9622649
thanks, and I fixed that.
9622715
thanks!
your thoughts?
actually, that was a smart move. to take over the abyss, you would have to be obscenely powerful. starting as a 10 year old, compared to the gamers 17 or so? way better head start
Yay!
9622765
"I know, but still! Mom could have warned me!"
OMNI:An interesting concept....I shall watch with great intrigue...
Good start, but I'd dispense with the coloured text.
9622798
".... you sound creepy!"
Thanks! look forward to it!
9622896
Hmm.. why do you think so?
color texting... it's terrible... but, it's you so don't change the color unless it's a grammar error. however thanks to my A.I it reads it for me and i have to say it's a good read, after all, a little bit.
9622976
So you don't like the colored text because of aesthetics?
9622987
not really it's hard to see when having it on light or dark mode on the website
9622998
hmm.. I see it well on dark mode.
9623001
I guess my brightness for the computer is too dark then I have it very low brightness. Which could be my fault.
9622775
she seems like a cheeky goddess. gotta watch out for that
9623009
true
9623030
"Yeah, mom seems that way... any hints on how do deal with godly mothers?"
heheheheh!
... oh dear.
Good start looking forward to more tracking story.
9622906
Generally, it's frowned upon. It's generally better to indicate using pronouns. For instance, in your first scene, there are only two characters, one of whom is referred to entirely using first person pronouns, so it is clear whether she or Faust is speaking through what pronouns are used.
9623464
Thank you!
9623668
I know, I still use them, I just thought it might be cooler.
9623909
It isn't. In fact, a friend of mine got a story revoked for using coloured text in that manner.
9623917
Hmm.. I will concider it.
So far I have 3 for and 2 against.
9623921
Consider.
>>>sees title and decides to read intresting premise
>>>reads through first chapter throughly
I see. It has a great amount of potential in becoming a great story. It does have some flaws that seems to stick out in my mind. I'll write them down for your benefit.
I believe it would be "heroine" for a female hero. Just something I noticed at a glance.
I like the idea of the storyline and how different it is from most stories I have read. Especially for the Equestria Girls universe which is not as common as regular MLP stories. I like the exchanges between dialogues which makes it feel more personal for the characters involved.
But it doesn't sound like it has enough sensery details of the world around Terra to tell what is really going on. All I imagined was her laying on against a tree before being suddenly impaled. It might be the base idea of what you're trying to get at, but it's nice to get your readers to think up the situation and human reaction of dying so suddenly. Was she shocked at the sudden pain? What did she do before dying? I wanted to know what she does through her five senses. As many have said before my review, 'show what you're doing, don't tell the story.'
I've seen you do a bit of world building at the end of the chapter, but that's roughly it. At Faust's place which is bearly mentioned, like a footnote, so I'm assuming she got teleported in Faust's home. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just saying you, as a writer, can improve that area of development in writing to make your story more engaging and interesting to viewers.
I was a bit surprised at how Faust (I believe that's her name.) Just freely gives four boons without digging at bit more at how Terra is personally or gives a solid reason why she chose her, or why this foreign enemy wants the goddess's head. That's just me, and it could be that she is a just-turned-into 10 year old for all I know.
The powers themselves and possibly the villains in this story has got be completely confused though. I get Undertale reference and powers (due to the popularity of it), but 'The Gamer' I have never heard of. Some more context about the genres these powers and villains come from would be insightful for future reference.
I don't hate stories for being self-inserts, nor if they so happen to crossover with other franchises. I just feel this story could be better with these nitpicks patched up and made in better detail. You have my interest and I'll add this to my bookshelf right now in fact. Keep writing on, I'll wait patiently for the next chapter.
9625029
Thank you for your thoughts, I will keep that in mind as I keep writing.
The Gamer is a web comic, if you wish I can give you a link.
Grogar is the main villain in the final season of MLP, he ruled Equestria before it was Equestria.
9625060
I see. Thanks for clarifying! I would like that link to the comic though. It might be worth a read.
9625100
here it is. https://www.webtoons.com/en/fantasy/the-gamer/list?title_no=88&page=1
I dont mind the colored text as long as you're clear on who's talking
so good! Much wow!
Im believing this can get better. As long as the next chapter comes out. Hopefully soon.
*Shakes in anticipation for more.*
Any news?
10049055
Sadly real life hit me over the head and fried my computer, having to rewrite it as well as working multiple 12 hour shifts.
10049760
.....My condolences.
10051950
Yeah.. though soon I will try to start it off again, will be moving to a less busy area of my work.
10052092
Nice to know.
Any news?
10203352
Sorry, because if the virus my work has only increased in tempo..
10204056
Aw.
Love it and it good to see someone else do it beside myself.