I am a huge fan of fluttershy. so its likely she will be a character in each of my stories.
After a day of studying in the library, Remy and Justin are transported to Equestria by a vortex and their own curiosity.
After being ambushed, and framed for attempted assassination, the pair must find their way in this new world. Unfamiliar to everything around them
Both characters use our real names and nicknames. Writing this has been a team effort with me and shameonapony.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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CLIFFHANGERS!
Anyway. Chapter 2! AWESOME! I'm having a blast reading these. The thing that's anticipating me the most is how you will make it all end.
Do you stay there forever in a happy pony living life?
Or do you go home to your bacon? XD
I really do enjoy reading these and really have no constructive criticism, I can not WAIT for part 3!
I couldn't tell who was saying what half the time, good concept, not so good execution.
so is lyra originally a human in this story too
1433
The first chapter is hard to tell who is talking, but the second one is easier.
1446
no, havent you ever watched the show? lyra sits like a human on the park bench in one of the episodes. its an inside joke i thought id include.
1449
When we started to write chapter 2, he suddenly felt bored and went to go write a different fanfiction(who soon gave up when i couldnt help)
I didnt give him too much dialogue because i didnt really know what to write.
1451
But he said that you published this without him even reading it. Apparently that pissed him off. According to what he said in his livestream the other day.
1479
he said he was fine with it
he lied to me.
1479
i was not angry, i just felt like i missed an opportunity
As I said before. Amazing.
Woah. 4000 words.
You really like us. Don't you?
1613
actually i accidently pasted it over from google docs twice.
Why is everypony saying they couldn't tell who was talking? I understood it perfectly.
Not sure.
The start of the first chapter was a bit vague. but i fixed it
This is... fairly bad, if I'm honest. Not "Applejack-and-Ditzy-Doo-go-have-an-adventure-in-a-medieval-folk-song" bad, but still... I'm sorry. The OCs grate upon my brain like a brace of rusty potato peelers and the writing style's, well... I'm sure there's one somewhere.
I'm not a fan of it. But keep on going at it, you might improve.
The ending...
I shed a tear.
It's hard to make me do that
All I can say, this was a heart warming story. Amazing.
You are a genius of a writer.
Perhaps you could make a sequel?
This story is most definetly the BEST fanfic I have EVER read.
Well done. Well done.
I just looked at the side thing and apparently these are featured stories. Well done!
1856
Thanks silver
Having two featured stories is great. but its a shame noone votes.
Hold up.
What's that little broken piece of paper at the bottom of the epilogue?
1865
Its a picture of Justin (the colt, not the person)
FLUTTERSHY IS MAi WAIFU!!!!!
okay so i give this a 7/10, and
my reasons for this are as follows;
First, the pacing jumps around WAAAAY too often. one moment they're having poison darts shot at them, the next scene they are waking up to a peaceful house with breakfast on the table.
Second, Fluttershy and Remy fell in love WAY too fast to be believable. frankly, I wouldn't immediately fall in love with a member of an entirely new species that I JUST NOW find myself a member of.
Finally, the descriptive writing could really use some more details. If you need help with this part, try taking a look at this fanfic for ideas.
However, you do show some potential abilities far beyond my own, and to tell the truth I have proven myself to be a much better editor than a writer.
As a final note, I AM willing to work as an editor for you from time to time, as I enjoy interacting with the writing community.
To be honest, I don't like the flow of this story. You had no real build up to a relationship with Fluttershy, the OCs are fairly one-dimensional, and your style of writing I just don't care for.
On a positive note, your spelling & grammar are perfect.
I really liked this story, but I thought it went a a bit to fast. I agree with what ThatGuyWithPsychicPlotPowers said.
I can hardly wait to see what else you come up with.
Interesting concept... not so hot on the execution...
I will say that I really liked the way the two friends, Remy and Jay, played off of each other. Reminds me of me and a certain friend of mine. That whole scene at the beginning... yeah, we would do that.
But when they end up getting to Equestria... things get a little weird. I dunno it just, it seems like everypony was acting a little... well just off. Celestia and the royal palace staff in particular, along with Twilight all seemed so... weirdly accepting of everything.
Also I have to say, turning into a horse is something I think I would notice pretty quickly. I have a hard time believing that, even if they were capable of walking bipedally, they wouldn't notice until the next morning that a) their noses pushed out a good extra several inches, b) That they didn't have hands anymore, c) that their legs are bending the wrong way now, and d) that they have tails that are probably being constricted and bound by their pants. And even then, assuming that they did for some reason feel exactly the same, there's still the fact that I somehow doubt that they would be able to go for a long time without their own limbs passing into their field of vision or go for any extended period of time without walking past a reflective surface. I don't care how dark it consistently is, this is something somebody would pick up on.
Like I said, it's an interesting concept, but it gets bogged down in nonsensical plot points and unbelievable character development.
I like this upgrade that you made for the story.
Keep it going.
that was fast you know...fluttershy falling in love
you made me getting feelings....good job a 10 i enjoyed everything
so.......any more chapters
17017
this fanfiction isnt really top priority to me, seeing as the majority of the readers think its 'too fast'.
ill work on it whenever i can, which usually isnt often.
im currently working on my other fanfiction 'the mage' right now.
1834 My biggest problem with it is how rushed it seemed, especially Fluttershy.
Imagine how the world would look today if people fell in love just by being called "beautiful" once. I'd be swimming in chicks :D
Um the guy before me had a good point but I'm wondering where did they get the bits from
Since when have ponys have arm I got to brush up on my pony anatomy