- Member Since 20th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen Aug 7th, 2012
remsaman
I am a huge fan of fluttershy. so its likely she will be a character in each of my stories.
remsaman
Joined 20th Jul, 2011 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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i havent gone on this site really ever, but im just testing out the ponimoticons. DOES THIS FANFIC HAVE DA MAGIKS
3301
yes, this fanfic has da magicks.
Good job brony dinky out
Well, it's a pretty interesting read so far!
Everything seems to be pretty good plot wise and grammar wise. The writing's a little bit bland in my opinion though. Not that that's a problem or anything!
Ok so i have no clue on what universe you have mixed with mlp or if you have invented one yourself. But it doesn't really matter though since it was fun to read ( I am really liking the adventurers' laid back casual attitude to danger and death and stuff. will be fun to see how it mixes with the ponies) :D plz write moar :D
This was awesome! Make more. BTW, this is Soulsilver, I'm reading this from school. :D
Hooray! Chapter 3! And I who thought this fanfic was cancelled. :3
You updated it same second I finished reading part 2.
8008
I probably wont cancel this fanfiction until it starts getting too many horrible reviews.
i like this please continue
"Well.. Not really.."
"GREAT!"
As true to character as can be.
Love the concept. People from a D&D style world entering Equestria. Been done before but that doesn't make it any less of a neat idea.
That said, while this certainly isn't a TERRIBLE fanfiction, It could use a little polish. I for one wouldn't give it five stars as is,
Just going down the first chapter bit by bit...
There's an issue with how character seems to be presented. This really feels more like a synopsis of a story rather than an actual story with characters. We're told about a lot of larger events a great deal of the time, but we only occasionally seem to zoom in and focus on the characters and their actions and dialogue. As it is, it really makes the characters feel distant and two-dimensional. I know that Kent is a jokester, Eleanor is generally straight laced, but has a sarcastic side, and Brannon is smarter than he looks, but other than that, little seems to be revealed about them. Remember, actions define character. You need to give us a closer look at the way they move, the way they talk, the things they like and do, and that sort of thing. Otherwise, it's harder to get invested in them.
The story also has an unfortunate tendency to mill about and waste time. The biggest one I can think of is when the portal opens and they say "can't we eat first?" "oh fine"
Even if it's only a few lines wasted, most people really want to get to the action and adventure. And honestly just a couple lines like this really breaks flow and feels like time is wasted. There are several parts that do this. The whole mansion exploration part feels dull and dry, for example. The thing is, even just a short two lines like that, especially if they're describing a certain length of time, just feels awkward and like flow is broken. I guess in sum you could say the story feels a little "clunky" as a result.
How does Shakespeare exist in the D&D world? I'm honestly interested in how that particular aspect of our universe carries over...
First of all, I want to say, I've climbed mountains. I've also tumbled down mountains at relatively tame, safe areas. If she was tumbling down a mountain for several MINUTES she's dead. I don't care if the mountain is smoother than a baby's butt. She tumbles down a mountain for several minutes she's going to have several broken bones, probably one of them being her neck, internal damage, and tons of cuts, gashes, scrapes, and bruises. How do I know? Because I've tumbled down a stretch of mountain that was really quite smooth myself and I ended up with a huge gash down my arm, tons of cuts and bruises, and a fractured thumb. And I was only falling for about seven seconds.
Now that little personal detail.experience out of the way, The transformation felt a little abrupt and awkward, and it felt like there wasn't much reaction to it overall. It says its cause she's a mage. I dunno if transformations like this are commonplace in their world, so maybe it's not such a big deal to her. I guess that's a reasonable explanation, but I know I'd be at least a LITTLE startled about a sudden transformation into an equine, and I certainly wouldn't be calm enough to talk to a butter-yellow pegasus hardly a minute later. What if she's the one that did it to me?
Fluttershy seemed almost too much of a crybaby. Yeah, she ran away from Gilda, but all Eleanor did was accuse her of possibly playing a joke on her. That doesn't seem like enough to set even Fluttershy off. Maybe if Eleanor started acting hostile and malicious or started yelling and screaming or made a threat, but just acting a little odd and then implying that Fluttershy might be playing a trick on her... come on. Even Fluttershy is tougher than that.
I'll admit, not having pupils is a little freaky, but I don't know anybody that would freak out over it... nor do I think it would be a super commonly brought up topic. Not having pupils is usually a sign of blindness and I would think that most people would just try to avoid the topic all together. It certainly wouldn't keep coming up in conversation in this manner. I think people would be less blunt about it. The big problem here though is that it keeps cropping up in a manner that is repetitive and, again, wastes time. It gets very annoying after the first time.
And a lot of the events, once she gets to Ponyville, really seem to start to bullet point. It's just beat beat beat beat, hit all the important points as fast as possible as quickly as possible with no emotion, reaction or atmosphere.
I'll admit, this story is better than a lot of others, but it still needs a fair amount of polish. Tweak a few things, prune a bit here and there and add a few things NOT pertaining to her lack of pupils once we get to Ponyville and I think this could be absolutely excellent.
Cute Zecora? YEZ!
And now that I've finishd the latest two chapters I see that a lot of those issues fixed themselves.
The big character issues in particular seem to have sorted themselves out. There are still a few nitpicky things here and there and it still seems to move rather quickly but it really feels more like a story than it does a synopsis in these two latest chapters.
I'd still give the first chapter a once-over, though...
Ha I like the story! Immediately caught my interest in the first chapter, now I simply wish to read more
Update soon!
This isn't exactly "light" shipping. More average level.
8056
I appreciate the feedback. it does help make things better.
i know i have a problem with wasting time, for this fanfiction i keep a 3000 word minimum for each chapter, so its not too short. but that also provides the problem of running out of ideas, as you can probably imagine, if i didnt 'waste time' it would probably be around 1500-2000 words.(although i have corrected the eating before they go in part. as i agree, it was a bit silly.)
I plan to do more on the ruins, but keeping it to a later chapter so i can add to the story.
The shakespere reference was just something small(i guess its nothing really to make a big deal of.), shakespere was an excellent writer, and putting in that reference just made me a bit content. even if it didnt make too much sense(but then again, if you are nitpicking over one shakespere reference that was 2-3 lines long, you probably shouldnt be reading my fanfictions. i have a tendency to make errors.)
think of the mountain as being covered with snow thats thick enough to cushion the impact but not slow you down too much.(and who knows, maybe she does have some injuries after all
)
I have planned on giving more of a backstory to Eleanor in the next chapter, as her portion was relatively small. But for now lets just say shes had lots of experience with mana overloading.
I will be putting something into the story that explains why fluttershy was a bit of a cry baby in the first chapter so dont panic yet.
well i dunno, maybe if i get some time ill polish it up a little, but no guarentees. Im not a very focused kind of guy
Dammit Remsaman stop taking advantage of my broken computer and updating more frequently than me!
12663
never.
12663
Also, holy shit a lot just happened!
Do love.
It seems Celestia is evil in this one, an evil Celestia... oh crap we're doomed.
Dear Brannon.
I am writing this to tell you that you just got stuck in equestria for a long time by agreing to help the cutie mark crusaders find there cutie mark's.
PS: I like Cupcakes.
Niklas The Brony.
What the hell?
Ugh... Here we go. Tyrant Celestia. Even despite everything in the show that suggests against it, fanfiction writers just can't stop making Celestia sinister, Even despite the fact that being sinister gains her nothing since she's effectively GOD, and the excuse "she's just evil and enjoys messing and screwing with her subjects" makes for poor and lazy character development, people CONTINUE to write tyrant Celestia stories.
I really quite liked this story, but yeah... We've jumped onto the idiotic tyrantlestia bandwagon. Might as well just drop it before it decides to follow the "Psycho Pinkie" route as well.
12887
I'd have to say less Evil and more Strict and/or... well... she DID attack the guards... and it WAS supposed to be a last resort way... and she DID attack Celestia... and it WAS a nightmare...
12922
Then what was all that about having Twilight drug her, and what was with the whole "Fluttershy has been beaten by her guards" thing?
12927
Stupid corrupt guards and as I said last resort to get her there however Twilight didn't consider other options.
12933
And all that stuff about Eleanor sensing something "sinister" inside Celestia? And the part where Celestia tried to banish her to the moon as her FIRST option?
12939
she attacked the guards, tried to kill her and created a giant stone pillar in the throne room.
what do you think was going to happen? tea and muffins?
Great chapter! Loved the action part, got a good immage in my head looking forward to a update!
12943
It just seems like a lot of effort... unethical effort at that, to have a discussion with somebody. And then, in the ensuing fight, Celestia was needlessly violent and overly aggressive, especially given her godlike status, and on top of all that, there are guards going around and beating the best of her citizens and she's not doing anything about it or putting a stop to it.
Are you honestly not trying to go a Tyrant Celestia route in this story? Because it's coming across that way.
12950
If you were a ruler of a country, and your people loved their peace, then three strangers come in uninvited, your student screws up and drugs one of them without considering other options, then during an attempt to understand what is going on they attack you, your guards, and so forth, then you try and banish them to the moon for the attempted killing of you and your guards, but that somehow refused to work, what would you do?
A: Do anything necessary to capture these people
B: let them do whatever
C: Kill everything.
If you picked B, Ur doing it wrong
12950
maybe if you waited until the later chapters you might find out whats going on.
leaving a bit of a mystery in a story instead of giving out every single piece of information without thinking can make for a very interesting story.
12978
Tru dat
Although I hate Cliffhangers at the ends of stories, I love it when details aren't all given at once or as they are needed, allowing me to think.
I realize not everyone is like this.
But hey, you're the writer.
It's up to you.
BTW: First thought when I found out the guy was a half-orc was "Dungeons and Dragons game gone wrong."
13012
its not like im just going to write "Princess celestia acts evil but isnt really evil because *INSERT REASON HERE*"
some people just like to point out things they dont like instead of waiting for the next chapter.
13020
XD
I know how you feel.
I once showed one of my friends something I wrote, and halfway through they were doubting an event because the reason for it wasn't instantly explained.
13042
The entire reason i put in cliffhangers is because it keeps people reading, usually wanting to know what happens next rather then just 'oh okay ill just make up my own ending because i know whats going to happen
I really liked the chapter altough the jump from when she got drugged to appearing directly in front of the princess feels a bit inconsistent. I guess that we will know more when we get to hear the others stories and gets a grip on how much time actually passed while she was unconscious but maybe you should have waited a bit with that confrontation and just having her have the dream when she passed out the first time and then switched to the others for a while before she wakes up in the throne room. Again I don't know since I don't know where you are going with the story, it's my personal thoughts that I got because the chapter was moving a bit faster than your previous ones.
Feel free to ignore my comment if you don't want the criticism your story is awesome and i'm going to keep reading as long as you keep updating it :D:D:D:D:D
13116
Thanks for the feedback.
What i plan on doing is having a rotational circle of characters(eleanor, kent, brannon, then back to eleanor.)
Eleanor's chapter was hard to write, seeing as im trying to keep her character fairly mysterious, and there isnt much to do in a library.
i would have liked to extend the fight scene, but realistically thinking, i dont think she would have hung around for long.
just wait until the next chapter with Brannon, it might reveal a bit more into this chapter.
Been waiting for this chapter for ages! The one where they meet up again I mean.
Great chapter!
It's funny to see that the ruler of the magical pastel colored ponies cant do anything agains 3 adventurers from a kind-of-D&D-world.
Love the chapter!
Is it bad that i find it realy easy to belive that celestia arent realy that much of a fighter?
It seemed ok at first, but from the moment Eleanor was reported to the Princess everything kinda fell apart. I cannot see any logical reason for the Princess' actions, and that is bothering me deeply.
I suggest you give a logically sound reason in future chapters, but until then I am afraid I cannot continue reading. This may be world of pastel-colored talking ponies, but even it runs on some form of coherent logic.
Well her reason is probably the fact that elanor is not affected by her magic
19812
Im going in a sort of rotational storyline, Eleanor>Kent>Brannon then back to Eleanor.
Princess Celestia's actions will be explained in later chapters.
19812
I agree with Fate. Since when was Celestia a complete Maniac that was out to kill/capture random ponies?
Wait... I remember the story saying something about how Eleanor ans some other pony got mixed up and Eleanor was framed or something...
But still, I would think that Celestia would definitely NOT try to capture ponies randomly in the middle of the day. What she would do, I think, is make sure that she is not the wrong pony. Maybe she would invite Eleanor to some kind of private sitting with herself or something. I dunno. But what I DO know is that Celestia isn't supposed to act that way.
I will continue to read future parts, however, I sincerely hope you do not butcher another pony's personality.
When is new chapter