The Mage

by remsaman

Chapter 1: Adventure

Publishers note:
This chapter isnt the best. Its got errors, some things dont make sense or dont belong...
I suggest you keep reading. It does get better. i promise.

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"Hey Ellie, time to wake up. We got a huge day ahead of us, and Brannon is bored." A low but strong voice echoed throughout the tent.

"Don't call me Ellie, Kent. You know for a fact that I can ruin your day before you even say 'stop'" Eleanor dragged herself from her bed roll, and put on some clothes. She grabbed her staff and pulled herself out of the tent. Plunging her behind on the log close to the camp fire.

"Hey Ellie" A mocking tone came from Kent "Sleep well princess?"

Eleanor pointed her staff towards the knight and gave his armoured silver butt a shot of electricity.

"OUCH! Hey, that hurt!"

"I told you to stop."

"Just messing with you Eleanor."

There was a crash, both Eleanor and Kent jumped and pointed their respective weapons towards the source. Two trees toppled sidewards, and Kent rushed towards a large shadowy figure with his sword, when he swung, the figure just grabbed the sword mid-air and revealed himself

"You two really need to calm down." A burly green man walked out of the forest.

"Oh, its just you Brannon." Eleanor lowered her staff and Brannon let go of Kent's sword.
"Don't scare us like that, seriously. you know we are in unfamiliar territory"

"Yeah yeah, its not like we'll stumble upon something ol' Brannon cant handle!" The half-orc beat his fists against his chest, making a drum-like sound. Everybody laughed in response.

"Well Kent, since Brannon got the firewood last night, and I'm the one that usually cooks, you go out and find us some food." Kent groaned, sheathed his sword and picked up a bow and a quiver of arrows.

After Kent set off into the forest, Eleanor relaxed and lay across the now free log. There were a few clouds in the sky, but a quick snap of her fingers, and the wind picked up and dragged them away. It was good to be a mage. Brannon picked up a large log and placed it on the camp-fire. He was a half-ling. Someone who was born with one of their parents being an orc. It was frowned upon by the community to be a half-ling, but Brannon was like a brother to her, so she respected him.
Kent was a regular human, but was born into knighthood. He had been trained to fight for the elite group of soldiers known as "The blade". But he was too much of a joker and they wouldn't accept him. So he put his skills to good use and joined both Eleanor and Brannon in adventuring for treasure.

Kent came back about an hour later, holding a few rabbits and dragging a deer carcass. After he skinned them, Eleanor went to work and prepared the trio breakfast. half of the deer for Brannon. It was a pretty basic meal, but it was enough to sustain them for the day.

Afterwards, they packed up the camp, put out the fire and ventured along once more. Around half an hour later, they came across a large stone building, the inside was covered in moss and various breeds of fungi. There were many doors along the sides, but most were too rotten or locked, and Brannon was unable to break through them, he still couldn't figure out why

Many of the rooms were empty, but some did have some gold in them(score!), others had some rusted blades, while others had torn and worn clothing. But there was one room which intrigued them, it was a large hall with much equipment that seemed like it was built for horses, hundreds of saddles and saddlebags hung from hooks, while there were some armour, seemingly designed specifically for horses, but they were all too small for regular horses, Eleanor pondered this, but soon dismissed the thought.
Kent stashed a set of strengthened golden armour, even if it was from a miniature horse, it was gold. so it would be worth a fair bit.

Eleanor looked around a selection of bracelets, they were golden and spiked. and each pair had a gemstone of different kinds incremented into the front. She settled for a pair of emerald studded bracelets, as they matched her boots, and emeralds had the capacity of earth-wielding magic. She disregarded the others, knowing that Kent would take them if she didn't (she didn't care about money as much as the other two, the thrill of adventure was more then worth it).

Brannon browsed the armoury. It was filled with strange implements, that look like you put them in your mouth, and some had a circular shape for the handle. Needless to say, they probably weren't to be used by a human. But there was one familiar shape he recognized. A large mace, made from steel and a material known only as blood-metal. Brannon grabbed it off the rack and strapped it to his belt. The trio soon met in a large dining hall(which was in almost perfect condition, strangely) and showed their loot. Kent had the largest haul, no surprise to the others, while Eleanor had the least, being the weakest of the bunch. Kent placed a crown(which he looted from the kings quarters) on his head, grabbed a golden goblet from the haul, and filled it with some wine he found in the cellar. He stood up and mockingly shouted throughout the mostly empty hall

"Welcome honoured guests to the grand celebration of the recent loot! congratulations to Kent" he took a bow "for bringing in the largest amount of treasure out of all the esteemed adventurers!" He laughed and started to take a sip of his wine, Eleanor took the opportunity and shot a small jolt of electricity at his throat, making him cough and gasp while the wine went down the wrong pipe. "Someday Eleanor, I'll get back at you" He laughed, gave her a wink and took a large swig of wine.

Eleanor told Kent to go out hunting again. it was getting dark and neither Eleanor, nor Brannon had the eyes to catch anything in the night. He reluctantly agreed and stepped outside. While he was out, Eleanor explored the ruins a bit more. The second floor was much like the first, but mostly just bedrooms, with the occasional closet. The third floor and above were completely demolished. Most likely by erosion and time.(or something else?) There was also a basement, it was locked so Eleanor had to get Brannon to break the door down. Luckily it broke, and the pair tumbled down a large amount of stone steps. Needless to say, when they hit the bottom, they were both bruised and sore. It was pitch black, so Eleanor muttered a spell and fire lit up in her hand, lighting the room. Around them were lots of tools and other implements, some looked like they had been there for thousands of years, others brand new. They both looked around for a moment, before Brannon spoke through the darkness

"hey Eleanor, check this out" Brannon got on one knee and pulled a human skull out of the darkness, it was wearing one of those strangely shaped helmets, but it was bent around the sides, as if the head got bigger and pushed against the helmet. "TO BE! Or not to be? That is the question!"

"Very funny Shakespeare. now put it down and lets look for something we could use."

Brannon let out a disappointed sigh and threw the skull across the room, shattering it in the process. Eleanor continued to scan the room, lighting up a few wall-mounted torches so she didn't drain too much of her mana, the basis for all magic in the world.
Brannon fiddled around with some of the tools on the walls while Eleanor took note of some strange markings on the walls. One called out to her in particular, it was a symbol of a horse with a long flowing mane, but what intrigued her more was it had large wings and a horn, nothing of their world. It also had some arrows pointing to a particular spot on the wall. Eleanor hit it with her staff, it made a hollow noise. She called Brannon over and told him that there might be something on the side. He pounded his fist against the wall, knocking it down in the process. There was a glowing orb in the colour of a cotton-candy pink, an algae green, a dark cyan and a dark sky blue, all swirling around in a singular orb. Fascinated, Eleanor picks it up for further study. Brannon had finished playing around with the contents of the room and was waiting impatiently at the staircase for Eleanor. She led the way up as they climbed through the darkness, lit only by Eleanor's flame and a small amount of light given off by the orb.

They got back to the dining hall and Eleanor placed the orb on the table, keeping it in place with a few rags. She stared into it, Brannon raised his hand to ask a question, but Eleanor already knew the answer.

"You'll get to eat when Kent gets back." Brannon lowered his hand and sat down, slumping onto the table. This knocked the orb off its place, and it fell off the table, Eleanor tried to stop it, but it was too late. It fell off the table, rolled across the stone floor, and fell into an indentation in the floor. Eleanor felt a wave of mana wash over her as a construct she hadn't noticed before roared to life. Runes along two pillars started to glow, as spiked portions of the room lit up and shot bolts of energy towards a centre pillar. The pillar, charged with energy, shot towards a stone frame at the end of the room, upon contact, the energy split into all sides of the frame, then evenly spread out to create a door-like structure in the frame. On the other side was a bright day, at the peak of a mountain side. A village lay at the foot of the mountain, edged by an ever-expanding forest. Eleanor and Brannon had their mouths open in awe, as a thump was heard from the other side of the room, followed by a familiar voice

"Hey, I see you installed a new window. Awesome!" Kent threw his hunt onto the table.

"Kent.." Eleanor started "It's not a window, and even if it was, its almost midnight. its daylight on the other side of that, and we are nowhere near a mountain, let alone on top of one." She facepalmed at his stupidity.

"Oh." Kent gave an awkward smile as he wandered up to it. "What do you suppose it is then?"

"A portal" Brannon rose "I've seen more then one in my time, it's a link to an alternate reality. Everything may be the same, or it might be completely different. The only way to find out is to step through." Kent and Eleanor were both shocked, they didn't think that Brannon was actually that smart to know about these sort of things.
"Hey, just because I'm half orc, doesn't mean I'm a dumbass."

"Well, ok then." Eleanor butt in "I'll go in first, seeing as Kent just went on a hunt and I'm the only one here with knowledge of magic." They all agreed.

"Couldn't we eat first?" Brannon interrupted "I'm starving."

"No Brannon."

Eleanor grabbed her belongings and head over to the portal. It was rippling, which it wasn't before. This made her worry, but she stepped through anyway. After emerging unscathed on the other side, she concluded it was simply a magic door, not something that could rip you apart. and motioned the others to come through. Brannon came through first, and smelled the fresh mountain air. He let out a hearty laugh and slapped his hand on Eleanor's shoulder. She flashed him a stern look, and he took his hand off.
Kent came through next, proud and tall. He looked around and said

"So, lets get exploring then"

"Not yet Kent, I'm detecting large amounts of mana in these grounds, if we so much as step a foot wrong, something bad could happen." Kent rolled his eyes. "Give me a moment, ill tap into the grounds mana pool...." She closed her eyes and placed her hand on the ground, a blue glow emanated from her palm.

"Uhh, Eleanor, are you sure its meant to be doing that?" Brannon questioned

"Doing what?" she opened her eyes and saw her hand was shaking violently, the blue glow turning a deep red. "Aah! Stand back everyone, something bad could-" She didn't have time to finish her sentence

A blue blast came from Eleanor's hand, sending the trio flying in different directions, she could hear Brannon yelling her name while Kent was shouting obscenities.
She rolled down the mountain side, pain coming from all directions, She rolled for what seemed like hours, but was only a few minutes, before coming to a sliding rest on a rocky cliff. She stood up, looking at herself, Nothing was damaged, aside from a few tears on her clothing. Suddenly, A sharp searing pain, worse then she had ever felt, came from her insides, Her bones felt like they were re-arranging themselves. She screamed out in agony, only for her yell to meet two other screams, coming from other sides of the mountain.
After the agonizing pain subsided, she fell over, more pain coming from her skull, it felt like something was piercing her skin, but not from the outside.

She stood up again, all the pain finally gone for good. Her back was aching, and she wasn't sure why, but she was almost forced to hunch over. Her vision blurred for a moment, before becoming normal again. She reached for her staff, only to find it bounce off of her hand. She reached for it again, and looked over. Instead of her hand, was a hoof! She yelled in surprise and looked down at the rest of her body, It was no longer human, that's for sure. She stared at her body in shock, barely being able to cope with the sudden change. She quickly cast a small spell, and turned some nearby rock into reflective glass. she gasped at what she saw. Her face was a mossy green, with dark cyan markings across her cheeks, nose, and some on her forehead. Her nose, now a muzzle, pointed out like a kitchen blade. her ears were now on the top of her head and were pointed at the tip, her eyes had no pupils and were a solid purple, but she could see just fine. her hair had turned from a long brunette to a styled mixture of maroon and black streaks, but what shocked her the most, was the large pointed horn protruding from her forehead, it stuck out like... She couldn't even find a comparison, it was nothing she had ever seen before.

During some small forethought, she thought about her staff, how she could hold it again, without having fingers. Her horn glowed, much to her surprise, and her staff floated over to her hoof, which it glued itself to. She could remove it freely, but now it was as if she had hands. If those hands were flat, and had glue on the front anyway. Her thoughts turned to her attire, her long tan cloak had turned into a small cape that hung from her back, her sleeves turned into wristband-like cloth on the top of her hooves, the emerald bracelets had fixed themselves near the top of her legs, and refused to budge. She concentrated on the bracelets, which started to glow, she then thought about how to get down the mountain, and as if by command, the rocks beneath her shifted into a stairway that led down the base of the mountain. If she had have been a regular person with no experience in the arcane, this would have knocked her dead. But she was an experienced mage and could handle enchanted items.

After reaching the base of the mountain, she wandered, mind transfixed on what had happened to her comrades. Midway through the thought, she heard a low, soft voice.

"Umm... hello?" Eleanor quickly turned around, instead of seeing a human though, she saw a butter-yellow horse with a long pink mane, But instead of a horn, she had wings. "You shouldn't come around this area, they say it's filled with..... m-m-monsters...." The winged horse's legs trembled and she bit her bottom lip.

"I'm fine, I assure you, but while you are here.... Would you mind telling me where I am?" Eleanor asked, she had to find out where she was.

"Oh, you are in umm... Ponyville."

"Ponyville? I've never heard of it, what country?"

"Equestria"

"Equestria? Are you sure?" Eleanor tried to focus like she did before, and with a little strain, was able to levitate her world map from her bag. She unfurled it and tried to find Equestria "I don't think Equestria exists. Are you playing tricks on me? Because if you are...." She glanced over to the winged horse, who was on the verge of tears after what she had just said. "Uhh, sorry.... I didn't mean it like that.." The winged horse ran away, afraid of Eleanor. "Shoot."

After stuffing the map back into her bag, Eleanor practised a bit with the levitation, it took a while to get used to, but she eventually got the hang of it. After a bit of mindless wandering, Eleanor found a small hut, covered in grass. She peered through the window, The winged horse from before was lying on her couch with a box of tissues.

"Ugh, I guess I should go apologize." She sighed. Apologizing was something she almost never had to do, seeing as she usually just killed everyone she needed to apologize to.

Eleanor knocked on the door, she heard a sniffle, and then the door opened a crack, A blue eye peered through before slamming shut.

"Look, I'm... Sorry.... If I scared you or something, I was just lost, OK? " Eleanor let out a large sigh, and turned to leave. Just as she reached a gate, the soft voice asked her to stop.

"I'm sorry too. I probably... Shouldn't have acted so... Scared.... But I haven't met you before and well.... You don't really... have... Pupils..." She whimpered.

"Oh right, the eyes. Dont worry...."

"Fluttershy"

"Fluttershy, I can see perfectly fine, In fact, im not sure why i don't have pupils." The pair laughed.

"I can take you to town if you want... If that's what you want."

"Of course." Eleanor thought that the others might have found their way to town as well.

"So what's your name anyway?"

"Eleanor. But I swear if you call me Ellie..." She gave a serious look, before laughing at Fluttershy when she winced.

Fluttershy and Eleanor talked all the way to town, before Fluttershy led Eleanor to the library, which was a giant hollowed out tree. A purple head poked out of the window, and quickly went back inside, before finally opening the door. It was another horse with a horn, but she was purple and her horn was shorter.

"Oh, hi Twilight, I'd like you to meet.." Fluttershy began

"Eleanor." Eleanor rose her hoof to shake hands, but Twilight just stood there, and examined Eleanor "Uhh, Is there a problem?" Eleanor was curious as to why she was ignoring her.

"Not at all, but why might I ask, do you not have any pupils?" Twilight asked, as if she was interrogating Eleanor

"Because I don't work at a school?" Fluttershy and Eleanor laughed, but Twilight just gave her a look. "Fine, I was born this way. Are you happy?"

"Yes, thank you. Oh, nice cutie mark." She wasn't sounding very sincere.

"Say what now?" Fluttershy and Twilight gave her a confused look

"The mark on your flank, its your special talent. Mind telling me what yours is?"

Eleanor looked at her flank, it had an arcane circle on the side. She recognised it because it was something she used once... Before she blew up the school.

"Uhh, It's magic. I guess."

"Really. Mind showing me a spell or two?" Twilight gave a smirk, Fluttershy stepped backwards.

"Sure. Sit back and watch the fireworks." Eleanor grabbed hold of her staff, pointed it at some nearby earth, muttered a spell and started raising the end of the staff towards the sky, a huge chunk of earth levitated along with it. Eleanor Said a spell out loud, before twirling around and hitting the rock with the end of her staff. The rock soared through the air, before exploding into many bright colours.

She turned back to Twilight, Both the horses had gaping mouths and wide eyes. Twilight eventually snapped out of it and turned to Eleanor.

"I guess you've proved your point, feel free to come inside."

"But Twilight" Fluttershy spoke "I haven't seen you do something like that before"

"Sshh"

"Oh. Ok."

Eleanor followed Twilight and Fluttershy inside, and looked around. The place was stacked with many different books, as was the floor. A baby dragon, something Eleanor was familiar with slaying, poked its head around the corner.

"Hey there, Don't mind me, just cleaning up." The dragon picked up a few books and placed them on their respective shelves, before approaching Eleanor.
"Hey twilight?"

"Yes spike?"

"Why doesn't she have any pupils?"

Eleanor sighed heavily. Today was going to be a long day indeed.

Comments

i havent gone on this site really ever, but im just testing out the ponimoticons. DOES THIS FANFIC HAVE DA MAGIKS

[remsaman]

3301

yes, this fanfic has da magicks.

Good job brony dinky out

[Violet Droplet]

Well, it's a pretty interesting read so far!

Everything seems to be pretty good plot wise and grammar wise. The writing's a little bit bland in my opinion though. Not that that's a problem or anything!

[Natr1x]

Ok so i have no clue on what universe you have mixed with mlp or if you have invented one yourself. But it doesn't really matter though since it was fun to read ( I am really liking the adventurers' laid back casual attitude to danger and death and stuff. will be fun to see how it mixes with the ponies) :D plz write moar :D

Love the concept. People from a D&D style world entering Equestria. Been done before but that doesn't make it any less of a neat idea.

That said, while this certainly isn't a TERRIBLE fanfiction, It could use a little polish. I for one wouldn't give it five stars as is,

Just going down the first chapter bit by bit...
There's an issue with how character seems to be presented. This really feels more like a synopsis of a story rather than an actual story with characters. We're told about a lot of larger events a great deal of the time, but we only occasionally seem to zoom in and focus on the characters and their actions and dialogue. As it is, it really makes the characters feel distant and two-dimensional. I know that Kent is a jokester, Eleanor is generally straight laced, but has a sarcastic side, and Brannon is smarter than he looks, but other than that, little seems to be revealed about them. Remember, actions define character. You need to give us a closer look at the way they move, the way they talk, the things they like and do, and that sort of thing. Otherwise, it's harder to get invested in them.

The story also has an unfortunate tendency to mill about and waste time. The biggest one I can think of is when the portal opens and they say "can't we eat first?" "oh fine"
Even if it's only a few lines wasted, most people really want to get to the action and adventure. And honestly just a couple lines like this really breaks flow and feels like time is wasted. There are several parts that do this. The whole mansion exploration part feels dull and dry, for example. The thing is, even just a short two lines like that, especially if they're describing a certain length of time, just feels awkward and like flow is broken. I guess in sum you could say the story feels a little "clunky" as a result.

How does Shakespeare exist in the D&D world? I'm honestly interested in how that particular aspect of our universe carries over...

First of all, I want to say, I've climbed mountains. I've also tumbled down mountains at relatively tame, safe areas. If she was tumbling down a mountain for several MINUTES she's dead. I don't care if the mountain is smoother than a baby's butt. She tumbles down a mountain for several minutes she's going to have several broken bones, probably one of them being her neck, internal damage, and tons of cuts, gashes, scrapes, and bruises. How do I know? Because I've tumbled down a stretch of mountain that was really quite smooth myself and I ended up with a huge gash down my arm, tons of cuts and bruises, and a fractured thumb. And I was only falling for about seven seconds.
Now that little personal detail.experience out of the way, The transformation felt a little abrupt and awkward, and it felt like there wasn't much reaction to it overall. It says its cause she's a mage. I dunno if transformations like this are commonplace in their world, so maybe it's not such a big deal to her. I guess that's a reasonable explanation, but I know I'd be at least a LITTLE startled about a sudden transformation into an equine, and I certainly wouldn't be calm enough to talk to a butter-yellow pegasus hardly a minute later. What if she's the one that did it to me?

Fluttershy seemed almost too much of a crybaby. Yeah, she ran away from Gilda, but all Eleanor did was accuse her of possibly playing a joke on her. That doesn't seem like enough to set even Fluttershy off. Maybe if Eleanor started acting hostile and malicious or started yelling and screaming or made a threat, but just acting a little odd and then implying that Fluttershy might be playing a trick on her... come on. Even Fluttershy is tougher than that.

I'll admit, not having pupils is a little freaky, but I don't know anybody that would freak out over it... nor do I think it would be a super commonly brought up topic. Not having pupils is usually a sign of blindness and I would think that most people would just try to avoid the topic all together. It certainly wouldn't keep coming up in conversation in this manner. I think people would be less blunt about it. The big problem here though is that it keeps cropping up in a manner that is repetitive and, again, wastes time. It gets very annoying after the first time.

And a lot of the events, once she gets to Ponyville, really seem to start to bullet point. It's just beat beat beat beat, hit all the important points as fast as possible as quickly as possible with no emotion, reaction or atmosphere.

I'll admit, this story is better than a lot of others, but it still needs a fair amount of polish. Tweak a few things, prune a bit here and there and add a few things NOT pertaining to her lack of pupils once we get to Ponyville and I think this could be absolutely excellent.