FOE: World In Pain

by NeverKnown

Commissions for a Cause(Questions for the next chapter )

Alright ive got some news a brony and friend of of the community needs some help if your able please visit this page
Help
I know you all out there are a bunch of good folk i just cant stand seeing a brony out there that need help with out throwing in my part.

I will be starting chapter four next week if time permits thanks for all my watchers

ALSO QUESTION?

How many of you would think it would be a good idea for Red follow the family to their bound location or going to the next town when hese sure their safe i have a good idea what im writing i just want to hear everyone's thoughts.

Comments

[QuackmanBrony]

I'm betting the only thought in his head during his escape was "get the buck out of here" so he probably wouldn't have much to go on in terms of where to go next. That and they did heal him so might as well tag along with them.
And that sucks about your buddy.

[Liqwidice]

I'm for following the family.

[NeverKnown]

411238 Alright i partly understood what you said so in sorts do you think you could rephrase it a little?

[NeverKnown]

412653 Alright then thanks im glad your enjoying the story /) after reading through it a few more times im getting the gist, thanks for leaving a comment /)

[Broadestpeak]

Follow the family definitely, without a doubt, 100%. 'Nough said.

[NeverKnown]

#501752 who keeps leaking my thoughts
pinky....<_<
Remember co-Neverknown I'm watcking you find that job so.you can get back to writing
pinky piece who area you talking to?
no one twi no one at all

Anyways I've hot some what of a touch draft on my phone but i can't really post it in its full form untill i can get hold of a computer and some free time the job hunt isn't going that well

[ZKPony]

Okay. I want to help you. I'm going to try to not be mean, but I am going to be brutally honest. I'm trying to help you.
This story needs work.
The premise is fine, the whole tube pony stuff, but the OC is a little much.
Black and red colors? Flag
Zebra with wings? Flag
How did Red Stripe know about the Great War? Did you ever reveal that to us? I read from right when he went into the tube to him emerging and being enslaved. Flag
Grammar and punctuation needs a lot of work. You might want to consider an editor. Pacing is a whole other beast. You started off decently, giving a bit of time to what we read, but then around chapter 2, it all went to heck. Things moved so fast between scenes, it was very disconverting for me, as a reader.
Chapter 3 needs to be rewritten, with things just being awkward and not understandable in general. Take more descriptive time if you need it. Also, Stripe's time as a slave was skipped over. Was that intentional? If it was, why? It could have been used for some great character building. All I know about Stripe now is as follows:
-He was in some crazy experiment before the war, which altered his body and his memories.
-He was in 'stasis' for an undetermined amount of time.
-He was woken and enslaved.
-He watched some ponies die, and realized he never knew their names.
-He escaped being a slave, and woke up being tended to by nice ponies.

Not much of this helps build a character. You describe a bunch of events that take place, but no choices, little of his thoughts, and little of his actions.
Prescription: Complete rewrite with an editor.

[NeverKnown]

1328360 Eh i got you there mate im thinking when i can find another job im going to redo the entire story but for right now i really need to put life first.

Also thanks for reading more or less i was trying my hand at writing but om not positive, i have the will or the patents to write under stress. so heres to being hopefull that after i get a job i can get this mess fixed.

[NeverKnown]

1353913 Thanks life has really thrown me a curve ball

[NeverKnown]

1877980 Hehe well daum i haven't worked on this story in forever, I told everyone who was badgering me i would rewrite the story when i had a job and could concentrate on it...that was three months ago well looks like its almost up i had a good lead today

[Killer-931]

1877993 i think he should find the facility where he was awakened to find out more about himself and mabey have like... memory flashes of what he remembers about the place. or even find locked up pre-war personal items like say the cloak he was using when he tryed to kill rarity or even the knife. hell he could find a Pipbuck there and mabey that Pipbuck he finds has old maps leading to different facilitys where other experments where made or where they ran unique projects on armour or guns. or something like that. (-:

[Starlight Nova]

Shouldn't this story have at least on genre tag?