The sound of crashing plates and clanging pots could be heard all the way from the main kitchen of Twilight's Castle of Friendship. Twilight had hoped that Spike might make them a little food while they discuss a few things for the evening. Instead, Gordon accompanied Twilight to see what the little dragon boy had gotten himself into. They quickly made their way down the hallway and into one of the many identical doors on either side.
Inside, they came to a very troubling sight. Twilight's kitchen was a complete mess. A thick layer of smoke was coming from the stove which made the duo cough violently the moment they entered the room. All kinds of food were splattered all over the walls, shards of plates were scattered about all over the floor, and pots and pans were lying haphazardly on the stove. In the middle of all of this stood the young boy with a sheepish look on his face and globs of food sticking to every inch of his tiny body.
"Uhhh.....hi?" he tried to say.
"Oh, my god! What the blazes happened in the ten seconds you were in here?" Gordon exclaimed. "It looks like an army of gremlins ransacked the place."
"Spike, what the Tartarus happened here?" Twilight exclaimed.
"I swear! I don't know how it happened! I was just getting some plates from one of the shelves and it just launched them everywhere!"
Gordon looked at one of the shelves that Spike was referring to and went over to it to investigate. He grabbed ahold of the shelf and lightly tried to shake it. Much to his displeasure, the shelf was incredibly loose and unstable.
"Don't worry about it son. This wasn't entirely your fault," Gordon concluded. "These shelves are an insane safety hazard! Why are these not bolted down?"
He was trying his hardest to keep the shelves balanced and stable.
"I had no idea that they were that bad," Twilight replied genuinely surprised.
"He could have seriously hurt himself-WHOA!" Gordon yelled as he nearly slipped and fell.
Looking down, he found the floor was completely covered in vegetable oil.
"How do you make such a mess in only a few seconds?"
"Sorry about that," Spike said mournfully. "I'll go get the broom....and the mop."
The little boy quickly went over to a nearby closet and pulled out a mop and a mop bucket and started washing the floor.
"I'm not mad at you Spike, but I would like to know. What were you trying to do anyway?" Twilight asked.
"I was just trying to make that dish your human friend made for us Twilight!," Spike insisted in a distressed tone as he moved around the mop. "I just thought the Chef would like it too!"
When Twilight and Gordon looked around at the state of the kitchen, Twilight raised her eyebrows, but Gordon simply kneeled to Spike's level and looked at him calmly.
"That's alright son, just show me what you were trying to make and I'll see what I can do to help you out," Gordon said kindly.
Spike put the mop back in the bucket and went over to a drawer and pulled out a picture of a noodle dish filled with different kinds of vegetables. Gordon was starting to feel a little nervous at what he thought he was seeing.
"He called it Vegetarian Pad Thai with Tofu," Spike said.
Gordon simply slapped his face in annoyance the immediate moment his blue eyes came into contact with the picture being held up.
"Oh, fucking hell," he said bluntly.
"What's wrong?" Twilight asked.
"Sorry, I just have...well something of a bad experience when it comes to that dish," Gordon replied remembering a certain incident with a Thai chef. "But, I think I may be able to help. As long as I get it right this time around. First things first though, we need to clean up this kitchen really badly".
"I agree, stepping on all this glass could be dangerous for us," Twilight replied as she ignited her horn, causing Gordon to yell in surprise as the dishes and pots glow purple and float before disappearing and the pot being placed back where they were.
"What the bloody hell was that?" Gordon exclaimed as he jumped with surprise and shock.
"M-my magic," Twilight replied nervously. "I-I just teleported the dish shards to the trash. I always make sure we have a huge stockpile of plates on hand. Parties and meals here in Equestria can get destructive from time to time, so it's kinda normal when plates break easily".
"Well can you please WARN me next time you are going to do that? You scared the living daylights out of me."
"Sorry," she says apologetically as she folded her ears back. "I've used my magic so much that it's become second nature to me and I don't think about who's around me."
"Now then, why don't we get started on--" Gordon began before he saw the state of the stove.
"What in God's name happened here, lad? You've burned every square inch of this. What are you a damn dragon?"
"Yes," Twilight and Spike replied in unison.
He simply rubbed his face before breathing in and out deeply to calm himself.
"Just pretend you aren't going batshit insane, and maybe this will all go away," he whispers to himself.
"Well, I think we can make this work. Just until I can help you replace the equipment in here. This kitchen is a fucking disaster waiting to happen! Who the hell designed this place? For one thing, why are your pots and pans stacked up on unstable wooden shelves that your son nearly got seriously hurt by? The ovens aren't sealed, the floors look like they haven't been cleaned in days, there's dust in every crack and crevice, and why are there greasy burlap bags hanging from the ceiling?"
"I think that's Rarity's cheese. I think she calls it...Rock Fort?" Spike replied unsurely.
"Well you see...my castle wasn't designed exactly. At least not most of the rooms in it anyway."
"How do you mean?" he asked with a raised eyebrow genuinely intrigued.
"My castle, was...well...grown," she replied sheepishly. "Most of this except for the stuff in the main throne room and my own bedroom just sort of appeared."
"Grown?" he asked obviously more confused than before.
"You shouldn't question it yet Chef, Twilight gets long-winded when she talks about magic," Spike chuckled.
"Might as well, or I might go mad. Let's see what we have to work with here. Twilight my darling, where do you primarily store your food? I haven't seen much resembling modern technology here, so I assume you have a pantry somewhere here?"
Twilight directed him to one of the pantries where their clean vegetables for the dish were being stored.
When Gordon went inside, he felt a refreshing rush of cold air blasting into his face. Twilight went on to explain that she applied the idea of the refrigerator from her human friend by using a group of ice and mist runes carved into the pantry so that she could keep food fresh much longer. Needless to say that he was impressed that she was at least keeping their food in a moderately chilled place and throwing out food whenever it went bad. Something that many a restaurant on Earth that he had visited failed to do. Then she directed him to the dry ingredients in the second pantry. He was impressed that they were all in sealed glass containers to protect from bugs and contamination. When he had found everything that he needed to make the dish, he gathered all of the ingredients. He then began going through the process for Twilight and Spike on how to make the dish.
"We start by soaking the noodles in a small bowl of cold water," he explains as he places them in a bowl of water.
Twilight and Spike simply nodded to confirm that they were listening carefully.
"Mix all of the wet ingredients," he continues by mixing soy sauce, lime juice, chili sauce, and brown sugar in a small bowl.
Twilight had pulled out a notepad and quill and was furiously writing down everything Gordon was doing and saying for future reference.
"Prep the wok, and mix the vegetables."
He then preheated the wok and added tofu and eggs. After mixing them, he added in the vegetables and allowed them to be seared for a few seconds, moving the wok around in a circular motion. The wok sizzled over the red hot flame.
He then added in the wet mixture he made and stirred it into the wok, right after bringing the heat down to a simmer.
"And finally, add in and toss the noodles and finish off with a pinch of salt," he concludes as he finishes off the pad thai.
Twilight watches him as he grabs the large stack of plates from the shelf and each of them down on the counter as he prepares well around 20 in an artistic fashion for them and Gordon's crew.
"And finished," he concluded as he set them all down on the kitchen counter.
"Amazing!" Twilight mused as she clapped her hooves together. "I don't know that much about cooking but that was amazing!"
"Well thank you, I pride myself on the quality of my work. Now, why don't bring these out to the others so we can all eat?"
"Yes, let's eat!" she agreed.
"And afterward, perhaps you can tell me more about this Princess Celestia and Princess Luna you keep talking about. Didn't you say back at the casino that Princess Luna is training herself to cook?"
"More like she's training herself to destroy food," Spike quipped.
"She's tried to feed us her... unique creations more times than I would care to admit." Twilight explained. She's one of my family and I love her like she was my own sister, but she can get a little pushy when it comes to her cooking. And sometimes I'm afraid how her dishes might affect us if we try to eat them."
"Oh, I'm sure it can't be THAT bad," Gordon stated hopefully. "If not, I'll do what I can to help her. I've worked with much MUCH worse."
Meanwhile in Canterlot,
The great capital of Equestria was bustling as always. Nighttime strollers and businesses thriving under the light of the moon. Noble ponies and Ponies of great wealth were going about their business keeping the city constantly moving. The castle of Canterlot had seemed quiet as usual this fine evening, Its glowing lights illuminating the city, guards and servants going about their daily duties. The daytime guards switched around for the nighttime guards. The Princess of the Sun had just started to move the Sun into its daily scheduled descent into the horizon to make way for her sister's own Moon. Everything seemed calm and quiet and completely normal in the grand and beautiful capital city of Equestria.
But out of nowhere, a large bang sounded off from the inside of the castle like a cannon being fired off.
The Royal Kitchen had become enveloped in a noxious cloud of black smoke after a large explosion that a certain self-proclaimed cook had accidentally created.
The smoke soon parted enough to reveal the navy blue princess of the night with her hair in a frizzy mess.
"Well, I suppose it's back to the cutting board," Luna lamented.
A set of large graceful hooves came clattering frantically down a nearby hallway and into the Royal Kitchen to reveal the tall white alicorn who belonged to the large set of hooves. The concerned expression she held on her face changed into a mildly irritated look as she looked at her disheveled appearance and then at the group of servants and maids of to the right that was bound in magical bindings.
"Luna! Why are you trying to force-feed your...culinary creations to our wonderful castle staff?"
Luna turned to Celestia with a mad grin on her face."Ah, dear, Sister! We were just preparing our culinary crafts for the arrival of the great Ram Say! We simply wished to use our servants as test subjects before the great one our new alicorn sister Twilight has been speaking of arrives in our fair city."
"You could try asking them next time instead of keeping them captive," Celestia chuckled as she ignited her horn and released the servants, much to Luna's dismay. The servants carefully ran off before mouthing "thank you" to Celestia without Luna noticing. Celestia simply smiled and nodded back at them in response.
"Oh, come now sister, we need some pony to test our palatable creations on before the great Chef Ramsey arrives in our fair Canterlot." Luna proudly stated.
"I'm sure Gordon will be delighted to assist you with uh....ahem. Bettering your great skills."
"We simply wish to confirm how great our skills are dear Sister. We already know that they are great and mighty."
Celestia simply chuckled internally and shook her head.
'Oh, I hope you are made of stern stuff Chef Gordon Ramsay. Cause my sister might turn out to be quite a tough nut to crack for you.' Celestia thought humorously.
"If you insist on continuing all of this, can you refrain from igniting the stove when the gas is turned on to full blast?" Celestia replied. "I just had the kitchen fixed from the last time you decided to practice cooking."
"Very well sister," Luna said. "May we have your attention for a few short minutes, Celestia? We wish to show you our newest creation: Betteraves Phrançaises!"
Luna then presented a bowl with a unique dish inside covered in an assortment of unpleasant colors.
"I didn't know that you could boil eggs at this altitude," Celestia replied in surprise.
"... It's supposed to be a salad."
I'd hate to see what happens if he runs afoul of Sweetie Belle's attempt at toast.
Just saw that this got a new chapter. Hell yeah, let's do this. I'm up for some yelling and screaming tonight.
Not dissappointed. Well done, I shall keep a lookout for the next chapter.
its official, I want Gordon Ramsay to do a voice-over cameo in the next MLP or EQG movie but he doesn't know the plot and is just reacting to the entire thing.
Reminded of that one ancient fic from Season 1 days, a competition for the Worst Baker in Equestria. Think it had Sweetie and newly-from-the-moon Luna participating. As well as Derpy.
Ooooooohhhhhh boy. Luna is going to get shot down. You what I mean.
I'm glad you remembered how Gordon teaches kids. Most people forget how much he actually cares about kids. However I fear what will happen when the princess of the night meets the devil of the skillet. If there's one thing Gordon hates it's someone who thinks they know everything.
Spike didn't get blasted due to the simple fact he's a novice, Luna likely will be spared to but professionals... After dealing with the horror show Luna's cooking seems to be Gordon is going to have lots of pent up frustration to let loose.
I love it when Gordon shows his more tender, nurturing side, especially around kids like Spike. Poor Luna though ... she is in for one hay of a rude awakening regarding her culinary skills, or lack thereof.
Yet again, a significant improvement in writing quality. I'm very proud of how far you've come in the short time since you started this story. Keep up the good work!
Oh boy Luna, the Ramsay is going to be doubled.
twilight home needs some TLC
I just think of this time gap luna old school cooking in I bet him watching her cook would have a lot of advice and harsh teacher mode { I wonder if she misses any old time food dishes from a 1000 years ago?} I think she would be delighted to take a cooking class with Gordon as well as sweetie I mean how can you burn juice?!? hand on guidance!
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or her juice!
... what?
Excellent story, though.
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Me too. Though it might me more accurate to say, I'd love to see Sweetie Belle's reaction to him helping her cook! (Pretty sure she actually knows she's bad).
Glad to see this is still going! Huh, come to think of it, a solid crystal castle would be difficult to furnish, imagine if it didn't come with plumbing! The work needed to lay piping through that mess? Oi.
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Whoopsie, thanks for that little heads up. A minor slipup
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I figured. Thanks for the story!
For how he treats Spike: Masterchef Junior.
For how he'll treat Luna: Masterchef. (Though, from that scene, she needs Chef Anne Burrell to do 'Worst Cooks in Equestria')
For how he'll treat profrssionals: Kitchen Nightmares, Hotel Hell, 24 Hours to Hell & Back.
Just an aside, italicize thoughts.
like this
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At least Chef Ramsey is gentle with kids. They're kids, after all. His eye may twitch, however, lol.
At least Spike has the excuse of being a dragon with some culinary experience. Sweetie Belle on the other hand? May the culinary gods have mercy on her, because Gordon may not.
When I started reading this I expected it to be a two-shot or something.
Now it's turning into a full blown story and I'm excited to see how it turns out.
I love this! Finally a quality Ramsay story! Keep it up!
please do more
Why is he so surprised by the magic? He literally saw Twilight cast a spell to bring the portal over!
This paragraph abruptly ends.
First off, it isn’t specified who is speaking this paragraph which can be a little confusing even if all people on this site should know it would be Teilight.
The mental picture of Twilight saying Luna is family is a really odd one. Especially the “my own sister” part.
I can... somewhat see Luna calling Twilight her alicorn sister? But also not really.
Switching of tenses is the only grammar policing I can see that you might need. Going from past to present tense specifically, though I think it's only something that grates when you listen to the stories like I do. Also you misspelled Twilight at one point.
Still easing into the world you've created, I can't wait for you to drop us in and get this party started.
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Thank you for the heads up on the grammar mistakes.
Also, for the Twilight and Luna calling each other sisters, for Twilight, she means it in a platonic sense and Luna means it in a royal sense. For Luna it would be like calling another member of your own species or creed brother or sister. For Twilight, since they all have been through a lot together, I figured that it would be nice for them all to consider each other family by now.
Proudly what? Proudly spoke? Proudly lombasted? Proudly proclaimed?
I don't feel that she would use Celestia's full first name unless she was trying to be unusually respectful... then there's also the shot minutes, I believe you were meaning short minutes here.
Love the chapter, but my only issue is that Spike is usually portrayed as an excellent cook (except for that idiotic episode where he helped Applejack) But this time he is seen as incompetent
Well, no. You haven't https://www.fimfiction.net/story/204101/princesses-cant-cook
capital = money
capitol = government
Luna just called him Ram Say. Consistency.
...you do realise Spike is actually a good cook right?
Ah well, he is clumsy so i guess that whole scene still works. And it was nice to see Gordon interacting with him.
Its endearing to see his more personal side. A good reminder that the shouting angry brit side of him only comes out when professionals are being stupid and/or lazy. Or worse causing health risks to their customers.
I can actually picture this. Too funny. I get the feeling ol gordie's gonna be doing that a lot in this story
oh believe me Cel, it takes something fierce to knock Gordon Ramsay out, XD
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh alrighty then.............he might meet his match, :/
Great job showing an accuarte portrayal of how Gordon is with kids, compared to adults
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Capital also uses the a when referring to a city. Ordinarily I wouldn't bring this up so long after the original comment, but I was brought on as an editor for this fic, and now I have to re-correct something that was fine originally.
Twilight needs to do something about all these dishonest portals. Maybe say, "They quickly made their way down the hallway and into one of the many identical doors on either side." Less is more.
Oh come on! That was a very obvious setup!
The real issue is cold-chain management at these restaurants. Running an eatery isn't all about cooking well. There's ordering such that you won't have too much or too little, staying within a budget, keeping things organized and at the right temperature, stock rotation to maintain freshness and avoiding cross-contamination. All of these things require a clear system of organization and often low-paid workers motivated enough to follow protocol. Lose a good cook or supervisor and things go to shit very fast. I'm not surprised at all that so many people get sick, even at fine dining establishments.
Three words: Amy's Baking Company.
Why isn't this one paragraph? Also, this Luna isn't terribly accurate here. In fairness, that may just be the thick layer of surreality you get from a typical episode of American Kitchen Nightmares clouding the character's actions in this story.
Food shaman? Oh come on, broheim! Luna is a bit stuffy and overly keen on ancient traditions but she isn't a na'vi from Avatar or something. She knows what a friggin' chef is! Also, as another reader stated, she's already called him Ram Say. Be consistent, man!
This is one of the worst Luna's I've ever seen.
For some reason, Celestia's observation about boiling eggs is making me laugh more than the salad punchline for coming straight out of left field.
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I've seen Luna written this way before in another story. I figured I would just adapt some of those elements. Plus, there's a running joke on Fimfiction, that the princesses are bad cooks, so I thought tapping into that would be funny. I'm not sure why you say she's written inaccurately. If I know what to change her into to make her "accurate" I'll do that, but I don't know what is accurate here since accuracy is different for everyone.
I feel as though Gordon is gonna have a Field day with you
See thing is if you are TRAINED specifically to be a great chef And you're Horrible you are getting cussed out to an Extremely high degree
However as he once said in an interview he's gives more calm constructive criticism to Casual Cookers or poeple who don't know how to cook because well they never made a career out of it so hopefully he's not too harsh with Loona
Until the food she cooks is still Raw