Back to Ponyville
Light wind and snow flurries whispered over the top and around the sides of the train as it continued southwards back to its homeland. The engine cranked and chugged over the frozen tracks, billowing out a thick grey river of smoke out of its stack. Nothing except an empty tundra for miles blocked its path. A few tufts of grass or the occasional weed popped up out of the surface of the ice, displaying the drop in temperature, despite how minimal it was compared to the sub-zero temperatures of the receding Griffon Kingdoms. The pink exterior of the Friendship Express was completely frosted over, dulling the rich colors of the fantastical locomotive.
Inside, however, was a different story, as Gordon and his new friends were enjoying the peak of warmth and luxury in their train car. Now joined by Gilda Gruff and Goldie Pheasant, Ponyville had gained two new permanent residents. Both of which were spending their long ride mostly relaxing with the other girls and talking about everything that had transpired in the past week alone. Twilight, however, had more pressing matters to attend to with her human friend. She was coordinating with Gordon and his production team on the next possible locations for their team to cover. Spike was listening intently, trying his best to understand all of the technical details. A trolley mare rolled her cart in and brought treats and drinks for all of them. Spike immediately snagged a plate of chocolate chip cookies and began stuffing his tiny mouth.
"So what's next?" Twilight asked.
"As we've explained before, we take calls from locations and get the go-ahead from the network to follow up on the tip," Gordon's producer explained. "Since there's no way for us to contact anyone, let alone do any sort of online research on anyone, we are kinda at a loss here in your country."
"Maybe when we get back to Ponyville, we can use my library in the castle to come up with some more concrete plans. The princess has some friends in Canterlot News that can do some research for us. I'm sure I can get the message out to Equestria about the services you and your team are offering Gordon," she said matter-of-factly.
"Well, your princess did say to have us look into your hotels as well, so we might as well start up a new season of Hotel Hell," Jay stated. "If we are doubling this as a campaign of improving public health and safety, that might be better for us if we go on multiple fronts."
"A season of what?" Spike mumbled with his mouth full of cookies.
"Hotel Hell. Back on Earth, I would evaluate some hotels in need of changes and renovations. Their personal restaurants would be evaluated as well on the side." Gordon explained. "More often than not, their level of cleanliness would also be a factor I would have to look into."
"Really? That actually would be very helpful to our efforts." Twilight replied thoughtfully with a hoof to her chin. "Though we only have a few bed and breakfast motels in Ponyville, I'm sure I can help you dig up some information on any hotels in nearby cities."
"Don't we have a few cafes and diners in Ponyville?" Spike asked. "Maybe Gordon can give them a look."
"Well, Sunshine Daisy's Cafe and Butter Mellow's Coffee Shop are usually pretty good with keeping everything top-notch. Both of them used to be honors students at Canterlot University. I'd hate to pick on that place though....."
"What place?" Gordon asked curiously.
Twilight suspiciously looked over to Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash who were still talking with Gilda and Goldie at the other side of the train car. She then scooted over to Gordon until they were pressed up against each other and then whispered into his ear.
"I'd recommend you give Burger Princess Shack a check. Usually, they are pretty decent at least and make good bean burgers and fries, but lately, I've been getting stomach issues from their food. One night I even got sick and threw up a couple of times." she said quietly.
"Why are you talking like that, my dear?" Gordon asked with a raised eyebrow.
"It's Rainbow's favorite place to go out to eat when she hangs out with Pinkie. She gets a little defensive when someone criticizes things she likes."
"Ah, I see. I'll give it a look and see what comes up."
"You got her all worked up now," Spike giggled. "She's going to stay up all night making a million checklists and surveys for you guys. Might as well get a few lattes to go."
Spike hopped off of the seats and walked towards the dining car. Twilight slung a small bag of bits towards the young dragon who caught it with two of his claws.
"Get me a small Hazelnut latte." Twilight instructed. "No cream."
He saluted and went on his way to complete her request.
They all continued conversing about various ideas for their future operations as the train continued onwards. Gordon smiled when he saw Goldie enjoying herself trying on some of Rarity's dresses and listening to Gilda talk about her "flight camp" stories with Rainbow Dash. Applejack meanwhile came over and sat down by the group, beaming with shiny teeth. Twilight had a feeling about what the earth pony mare wanted to ask Gordon, but she kept the idea to herself for the time being.
"While all you humans are gonna be in Ponyville, why don't you come over to Sweet Apple Acres one of these days? We'd love to show you all the famous hospitality of the Apple family," she asked.
"That would be lovely Applejack, if I find myself with a bit of free time, I'd be glad to pop over," Gordon replied happily.
"And uhhh..." Applejack started. "I did want to ask you something else to be perfectly honest."
"Yes?"
She seemed to want to say something but was too nervous to get it out.
"Everything alright Applejack?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, Yeah, I um, just wondered Gordon uh, if you would be willing to...ya know. Bring some of my family's goods back to Earth with you?"
"Bring your goods back to Earth with me?" Gordon repeated, trying to confirm what she was saying.
"Yeah, I figured it would be a good idea to capitalize on the permanent connection we have with Earth, so I was wondering if you could advertise my family's brand a little bit once you go back?"
She just stood there sweating, dreading any answer that was bound to come out of the blonde-haired human. What she didn't expect was a sudden chuckle out of him. The action nearly made the mare faint from anxiety.
"Oh calm down, I'm not about to bite your head off." Gordon laughed. "From what Twilight has told me, you could kick my fucking head off of my shoulders easily even if I tried. Sure, I'll give your products a once over and see if I can't come up with any marketing plans. Though I may have to get Twilight's permission here to actually do anything with that. As well as the other Princesses I'd imagine."
"I personally don't see why not, it sounds like a good opportunity for a bit more interspecies and inter-dimensional interaction between our worlds." Twilight shrugged. "But yeah, I'm going to have to take this up with the Princesses. You may have to send a message to your government as well. I'd imagine selling products in between dimensions will come with a lot of paperwork."
Applejack breathed out a sigh of relief at hearing that.
"Ah heck, I was getting all up in a tizzy over nothing," she stated. "I'm sorry. I was just a little nervous cause I didn't know when it would have been a good time to ask. I heard about your, "celebrity status" over there on Earth and I figured a few shoutouts from you, might push my family's brand a bunch."
"It's an admirable quality, Applejack. A little bit of boldness can get you far in the food industry." Gordon replied.
Applejack blushed with pride and tilted her hat to cover up her face.
"Ah shucks, thank you kindly, Gordon."
A few minutes later, Twilight noticed Gordon pulling a small pocket calendar out of his jacket and observed the date. She was having some trouble still reading human writing, but she could make out the symbol marked upon the specific day. It appeared to be a four-leafed clover colored a vibrant green.
"It's that time of the year already? Oh, fuck me. Oh well. Might as well have fun with it while it's here," Gordon groaned.
"What's wrong Gordon? Does something bad happen on this particular day?" Twilight asked curiously.
The man took off his shoes and socks and reached into his bag, pulling out a pair of black and green striped socks. Putting them on, he slipped his shoes back onto his feet.
"Not bad per se my friend, but certainly a little annoying. Despite how much I've come to tolerate this holiday."
"Well, you're in Equestria, not Earth, so you don't have to abide by anything here, but what exactly would you be celebrating today back on Earth?"
"That would be St. Patrick's Day, my friends. It's an Irish holiday in origin, though America has somewhat commercialized it."
"Aren't you uh, British though Gordon?" Spike asked.
"English and Scottish technically, and I guess American by sheer dedication too, but yes. I suppose it's more out of a tradition that most people celebrate it despite not being Irish. The basic thing to do today is wearing green or get pinched. Or just wear green just because and either eat some kind of Irish food or go out drinking." the human explained.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack zipped over to Gordon in a flash, nearly putting a scuff mark across the velvet carpeting of the train car.
"You have a holiday dedicated to drinking? That's awesome!" Rainbow cheered.
"Well, that is a big part of it, but not the whole thing. Like I said, Americans have brutally commercialized it. Something I admit I'm slightly guilty of right now."
"What spawned this...unique holiday then if I may ask?" Twilight inferred. "I'm in the process of studying human history and culture."
"Basically the idea is there was a Roman British boy in the late 4th century who was kidnapped and taken to Ireland as a slave. He escaped soon after, but later in life, he felt that he should do something to help the people of Ireland and save their souls as it were." Gordon explained. "He returned to the island and converted most of the people to Christianity. By the time he died, he had created many schools and churches. Though most people remember the legend about him driving the serpents out of Ireland and using the Shamrock as a way to preach."
"Fascinating." Twilight mused.
The mare pulled out her notebook and began writing a thousand words a minute, recording everything that she had heard.
"So you humans get into drinking competitions cause of this guy?" Rainbow asked excitedly.
"Not really, it's just Celtic insanity and tradition to do so and now a lot of people do it nowadays. The biggest ones to drink are malt beer or ale. Or even mead if you can find the rare brewery who still makes it."
The two daredevil ponies turned to each other with challenging looks.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking sugar cube?" Applejack asked mischievously.
"Absolutely!" Rainbow replied with a smirk.
"DRINKING CONTEST!"
They dashed out of their train car and into the dining car where they pelted the poor barkeeper pony with nonstop requests for their biggest mugs.
"What the hell was that about?" Gordon asked.
"Oh don't worry about it darling, they always like competing against each other like that in their spare time. They'll either tire themselves out or wake up with a bad hangover," Rarity replied rolling her eyes.
"Dash probably won't last long. Darn lightweight doesn't handle her liquor very well," Gilda added with snark.
"I suppose I could go for a small pint myself. Jay?"
"Sure, I'm game." his director replied. "Who's buying though?"
Twilight absent-mindedly threw a small pouch of bits at Gordon who caught it with ease.
"Thanks."
She just continued writing down in her spiral-bound notebook while Gordon, Jay, and the rest of the humans followed Gilda into the dining car.
Half a day later, the train made its way out of the tundra and back into the familiar rolling green pastures and thriving forests of Equestria. Gordon and his production team took the time to record a few segments of the train's kitchen staff. Both parties learned much from one another, especially Gordon. He considered the fact that if he was going to remain in Equestria for any period of time, it would be prudent to learn as much as he could about the various diets and eating habits of the locals. Keeping recording equipment steady on a shaky train, proved to be an interesting challenge for his Director, but with a little magical help from Rarity, they managed to keep everything still. In one instance, Gordon's boom microphone operators slipped and fell and accidentally clubbed two of the sous chefs in the head. Pinkie Pie provided them with more difficulties as she became a little too acquainted with one of their cameras.
"Is..there something that you needed Pinkie? We're a little busy," Gordon asked
Opening her mouth over the lens, she breathed on it and polished the glass with her mane, making faces at her own reflection.
"Can I help huh? Can I? Can I? Can I? It's really shiny! Bleauggh! Bloooo! Bleeeee! Blaaaaa!"
Pinkie just kept on repeatedly pleading with Gordon and everyone in the room for the next few minutes. The pony kitchen staff had mortified looks on their faces watching the pink mare's hyper-excited attitude
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Jason, let her use the camera before she gives us a fucking coronary."
"It's $2000 equipment Miss Pinkie, can you be careful with it?" the cameraman in question said in a worried tone.
"Now we will be broadcasting the use of flowers in various Equine dishes--" he started before Pinkie wobbled the camera around.
"Upsy Daisy! Downsy Wownsy!, Upsy Daisy!, Downsy Wownsy!," she chattered as she tilted the camera up and down.
"Pinkie can you please not?" Gordon said through gritted teeth. "We need to be filming this properly if you don't mind."
Rarity tried increasing the intensity of her stability spell to account for Pinkie Pie's rambunctious actions.
"Darling, please. I am trying to help Gordon with his work." Rarity insisted. "It really is fabulous what he does."
"Awww, but I'm having so much fun!" the pink mare replied.
As she kept playing with the camera, Spike walked into the kitchen and saw what was going on. He shook his head and rolled his eyes at the pink mare.
"Any of you guys got duct tape?" Spike asked dryly.
"Why?" Gordon asked.
"Just cough it up," he said firmly.
One of Gordon's team members reached into his backpack and threw him a roll of heavy-duty duct tape. The tiny drake unraveled the tape and held it in both claws menacingly as he stepped towards the playing pink mare.
The sound of something being beaten up could be heard in the kitchen car as a convenient comedic dust cloud cloaked the young dragon's actions.
"Stop it! You are going to wreck my kitchen!" the chef pony wailed.
"Uhhh, is everything alright you two?" Gordon asked nervously. "I'd rather not have a fight start-up in the kitchen."
"Everything is cool Gordon," Spike assured. "Rainbow taught me to do this in case of Pinkie ever gets out of hand."
"Just like Rainbow to teach my Spikey something uncouth," the white unicorn grumbled.
The comedic dust cloud in the car dissipated as Gordon saw Pinkie completely duct-taped to the ground still having an abnormally large smile on her face like she was enjoying every minute of it."
"Oooh! I feel heavy," she said excitedly. "My hooves are all tingly and sticky!"
"Have you been getting into the coffee again Pinkie?" Spike asked suspiciously. "Last time, we caught you screaming into a tree when you had caffeine.
"NO! Well, maybe a little. I just can't help it, Spike, I LOVE ME A CUP OF JOE! Hey, why do they call it Joe? Did Pony Joe make it? Can there be a Cup of Sam? Cup of Bill? Cup of Harry? Cup of Greg? Cup of Dan? Cup of Mark?"
Gordon looked at Spike with a look that just screamed "what the fuck is going on?"
"She'll tire herself out soon, just ignore her. She collapses asleep when the coffee wears off." Spike said nonchalantly as he reached into a nearby fridge and pulled out a tub of ice cream.
"Thanks then...I guess. Fuck, this place is going to give me a heart attack." Gordon cursed.
"You'll get used to it eventually," Spike said as he grabbed a spoon and headed out of the kitchen car.
A day of complicated filming situations later, the train finally approached Ponyville, as it slowly but surely screeched to a halt at the Ponyville train station. The doors opened as the Twilight and Gordon stepped out first, followed by the rest of their unusual group of friends. Gordon's team carried their equipment and luggage out of the train and onto the platform as they all made their way back to Twilight's castle. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity went on home to take care of a few things for the day. The others followed Gordon and Twilight back to the castle and into the main entrance lobby where they unloaded their luggage. Goldie and Gilda were enthralled by everything in Twilight's castle. Their eyes were glued to all of the crystalline structures and jeweled wall hangings.
"Dash...why didn't you tell me Twilight has a castle that is made of solid crystal?" Gilda asked slowly.
"Oh, yeah, sorry. Slipped my mind I guess. Didn't think it was important," Rainbow shrugged.
"Your home is very beautiful your highness!" Goldie exclaimed. "It's a real honor and pleasure to be allowed inside your castle."
"Just Twilight is fine Goldie," Twilight said kindly. "We are all friends here."
"Had about the same reaction," Gordon chuckled. "Multiplied by a million."
The two-spotted Gilda messing around with a solid crystal lamp that sat in the middle of the lobby surrounded by plush velvet sofas. She pressed her face into the crystal-like a little kid pressing their face into the window of a toy store. Her eyes seemed to be twinkling as she made low joyful chirping noises. She then started to grind her beak against some of the dangling pieces on the lamp, making an awful scratching, scraping noise. Rainbow just stared at her horrified and weirded out, like she had grown a second head.
"You okay there Gil?" Rainbow asked nervously as she slowly stepped towards her griffon friend.
"Shiny..." the griffon cooed.
"Is she alright?" Gordon asked Goldie.
"Drugs tend to do that to people," Gordon quipped.
"Oh hush you, Gordon," Twilight snapped playfully.
"This happens with some griffons. Our avian sides from time to time pop out, resulting in unusual instincts." Goldie explained.
Rainbow tried to swipe the lamp away from the griffon, but the hen just clamped her beak tighter around the bottom. The two got into a tug of war over the appliance.
"MINE!" Gilda cawed.
"HAND IT OVER!"
"MINE!"
"GILDA! HAND IT OVER AND KNOCK OFF THE CRAZY!"
Gordon walked over and tried to help Rainbow pry the lamp from Gilda's beak without losing a finger himself.
"Calm the fuck down you crazy fucking chicken lady!" Gordon snapped.
A few seconds later, the trio slipped and launched the lamp into the wall, shattering it into a thousand pieces.
"Oops".
"This is why I miss my library," Twilight groaned.
Next Time: Burger Princess Shack part 1
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Next Episode: Bat Soup
Gordon Ramsay is Scottish not British
10150077
Great Britain consists of England, Scotland, Wales, parts of Ireland, and some other bits & pieces
British <> just English
(Although, it is my understanding that most of the non English pieces prefer NOT to be called British.
Sort of like the fact that large parts of the USA don't like being called Yankees)
IMO, they're all Limeys
10150105
Careful that the IRA doesn't hear you call them Limeys eh.
Great chapter!
10150105
Wales is a part of the UK.
Whales are aquatic mammals.
10150114
There are a number of states where going into the wrong bar
& calling someone a "Yankee" will get your head broke open
(to let all the stupid out)
Look at a map of The War Between the States
(AKA The War of Yankee Aggression)
The states that were in the Confederacy + the border states.
You know, on the subject of alcohol I wouldn't be surprised if Equestria has a thriving craft beer industry, alongside all other manners of wines and spirits. After all, equines are very resistant to intoxication, and they actually enjoy the taste of hops and suchforth.
'twould be funny if "lightweight" Dash only falls over long after the average human would have, and Applejack is still only buzzed.
10150218
I've see fics where the writer plays with the expectation humans have when it comes to ponies and drinking. Usually it's along the lines of ponies who are "lightweights" being able to drink human alcoholics under the table with little effort. Or the idea there is no alcohol in Equestria not cause ponies can't hold thier liquor, but Celestia got drunk once and for the good of the world Equestria went dry.
nice chapter.
that part with gilda in the castle was funny xD
Coming up next: Gordon fires 500 ponies.
10150129
You're right. This is what happens when you try to deal with the -ING English language when you are half asleep
That's like asking for spaghetti marinara but without sauce.
A Cup O Dan?
Strong enough to punch yer lights out.
Spike and Gabby sitting in a tree,
Drooling at the S H I N E E.
Cadence? Twily? Anypone?
At least Gordon had a captive audience this time. Good thing they were actual profesionals, and not British Rail catering.
I wonder if donut joints count for this?? because I really do love me a good donut.
"Shiny..."the griffon cooed.
"Is she alright?" Gordon asked Goldie.
"Drugs tend to do that to people," Gordon quipped.
"Oh hush you Gordon," Twilight snapped playfully.
Shouldn't. Goldie answer