Familiarity Feud

by _Undefined_

Here Come the Newlyweds

Bon Bon was surrounded by unicorns. Of course, she was sitting in an amphitheater in Canterlot, so that wasn’t entirely surprising.

Also, she knew the seven unicorns who were sitting closest to her. To her immediate right was the love of her life – and her wife of three and a half months – Lyra Heartstrings. It was their first time visiting Canterlot since their honeymoon. In the time between the honeymoon and their visit, they had organized their wedding photos, updated their insurance information, and written thank-you cards. They were thrilled to be married, but tired of all the work it entailed. It made them glad that neither one had wanted to change her name.

Finally, they had made time to visit Lyra’s parents, who lived in Canterlot. The two middle-aged unicorns were sitting directly to Lyra’s right. It had been a couple of hours since Bon Bon had last seen her in-laws – after visiting them in the morning, the newlyweds went to lunch with Lyra’s foalhood friends. Those four unicorns came with the couple to the amphitheater and were seated one row back.

Bon Bon didn’t know the unicorns sitting in front of her or across the aisle from her. But she was sure they were perfectly nice ponies, too. She had grown to really like unicorns over the last five years.

The audience in the amphitheater was about 60% unicorn. The remainder of the crowd was roughly a two-to-one split of earth ponies to pegasi. They had all gathered to watch a traveling audience-participation show starring an earth pony named Slick Banter who introduced and hosted assorted games. For each game, he would choose volunteers from the audience to participate as contestants. Various types of merchandise – mostly home furnishings – were awarded to the winners.

Every time the host searched the audience for contestants, Lyra raised her hoof. It was a big crowd – a few hundred ponies were in attendance – and while Slick Banter had walked past Lyra’s row a couple of times, he hadn’t picked her. She had been especially dismayed when she missed out on the opportunity to win a chaise recliner (Bon Bon had to remind her that they didn’t have anywhere in their home to put it), but truthfully, she didn’t care what the prize was. She just wanted to play.

As a couple of assistants cleared the stage from the previous game – a trivia contest in which a wrong answer triggered a catapult that launched a cream pie into the loser’s face – Slick Banter turned to the crowd.

“Our next game is going to test how well married couples know each other,” he said. “But when two ponies have been married for a long time, they already know each other really well, so where’s the fun in that? That’s why for this game, I need three couples who have been married for less than a year.”

Bon Bon looked to her right, knowing exactly what she was going to see before she even turned her head. Lyra was staring directly at her with quivering, wide eyes. They both knew that her protruding lower lip was an affectation, but Bon Bon could see that the pleading in her eyes was genuine.

Still, Bon Bon hesitated – she wasn’t even comfortable being the center of attention when more than a few of her friends were gathered together. Lyra was the natural showmare; Bon Bon was content to let her have the spotlight.

“And for the couple who knows the most about each other,” Slick Banter continued, “we have an amazing prize:”

An attractive pegasus model named Swallowtail wheeled out a dolly atop which appeared to be an oversized gift-wrapped box. She lifted the bottomless box straight up to reveal what was displayed on the platform underneath.

“A five-piece set of copper cookware!”

Bon Bon turned back to look at the cookware. As Slick Banter began a sixty-second advertisement for the manufacturer, Lyra quietly spoke to her.

“So that’s the good stuff, right? That’s something you’d like to have?”

“Yes,” Bon Bon admitted. “It’s not the kind you make candy in, but it’d be good for dinners.” She had asked for a high-end copper candy pot for her most recent birthday, then spent the following week raving about how much she loved it. Clearly, Lyra had remembered.

“Then let’s do it!” Lyra said. “Let’s win you that cookware!”

Bon Bon looked down. “Would I have to get up in front of all these other ponies?” she asked rhetorically.

“Yeah, but I’ll be right there by your side the whole time.”

“And talk about our private life in front of strangers?”

“He wouldn’t ask anything too invasive,” Lyra assured her. “Probably stuff like, ‘What’s your wife’s favorite book?’ We’d be shoo-ins.”

“Do it,” said Minuette, who was sitting behind Lyra’s father. All of Lyra’s friends and her parents were looking at the couple.

From directly behind Lyra, Lemon Hearts nodded. “A game where you have to know what your spouse is thinking? This was practically made for you two.”

“And he said he needs newlyweds,” Lyra added. “It’s fate!”

“You can’t keep claiming things are fate every time you want to get your way.”

“Yeah, but this isn’t like the time Lily had a two-for-one sale on hydrangeas. This really is fate!”

Bon Bon looked around at Lyra’s family and friends. Then she looked at Lyra’s hopeful expression. She hated saying no to that face.

“Okay,” she said. “I’m in.” And he probably won’t even pick us, she thought.

Lyra broke into an enormous grin. She turned her attention back to the stage, where Slick Banter was finishing his promotion.

“…and just like your home cooking, the secret to a quality Mountain Metalcrafters pot is love.” The pegasus model wheeled the cookware away. As additional assistants began placing furniture on the stage, the host walked down the stairs and into the audience.

“Now, where are my newlyweds?” he called out. Two words into the question, Lyra’s left foreleg shot into the air.

Bon Bon lifted her foreleg, too, though she kept it bent at the knee. At the same time, about ten other couples also raised their hooves. The host made his way up an aisle on the side of the amphitheater opposite where Lyra and Bon Bon were sitting. About halfway up, he pointed to a pair of unicorns.

“How long have you been married?”

“Seven months,” the stallion replied.

“And how long were you dating before that?”

“About three years,” the mare said.

“Head on up there!” They made their way toward the stage, where Swallowtail was pointing toward a cushioned two-pony seat on the audience’s left.

Slick Banter looked around the audience before making his next move. He walked back down the aisle, passing three other two-unicorn couples, and stopped at a pegasus mare and unicorn stallion sitting near the front.

“How long have you two been married?”

“One month!” the mare shouted while jumping onto all four hooves.

“And before that, you dated for…”

“Five months!”

“Are you going to win this game?” he asked, playing off of her enthusiasm.

“Yeah we are!”

“Then head on up there!” He gestured toward the stage, where Swallowtail was pointing to an identical two-pony seat in the center.

Lyra stretched and waved her foreleg as hard as she could. Bon Bon was genuinely concerned that she might dislocate it. When Slick Banter rounded the front of the audience and made his way up their aisle, her waving somehow got even more intense.

Before Bon Bon knew it, he stopped at their row. “And how long have you two been married?”

Lyra lowered her foreleg and wrapped it around Bon Bon. “Three months and two weeks!”

“Three months and two weeks exactly?”

“And one day!”

He gave an “I asked for it” look to the audience. After a momentary pause for laughter, he said, “And how long did you date before that?”

“The best four years of my life so far!” She squeezed Bon Bon harder.

“Then head on up there!”

Lyra was on all four hooves first, though she waited for Bon Bon to get up before making her way into the aisle. While Lyra’s parents and friends applauded, with Minuette cheering more loudly than was necessary, Bon Bon followed Lyra, who followed Slick Banter back to the stage. As he took his place behind a stand, the couple was directed to the two-pony seat on the audience’s right, where they each sat down.

Bon Bon looked out toward the audience. There were a lot more ponies than it seemed like when she was sitting among them. She felt Lyra put her foreleg across her withers. She scooched a little closer.

“You’ve got this,” Lyra quietly said to her. “Ignore all those ponies. Just look at me and the host. It’s just a conversation between us.”

Bon Bon nodded, even though her stomach strongly disagreed with that sentiment. She put her own foreleg around Lyra and held on just a little too tightly. She appreciated that Lyra didn’t object.

At the same time, Slick Banter addressed the couple on the seat closest to him. “What are your names?” he asked.

“Short Stack,” answered the unicorn stallion. His yellowish coat and frizzy orange mane stood out against the blue cushion he was seated on.

His wife, a robin’s-egg blue unicorn with a two-toned bright lilac mane, immediately followed with “Steady Tempo.”

“And I suppose you live here in Canterlot.” It had become a running joke that for all of the games except the first one, Slick Banter kept selecting native residents out of the audience.

“Yep,” Steady Tempo said while her husband nodded. The audience laughed.

“What do you two do here?”

Steady Tempo answered first. “I craft pocketwatches.”

“And I work at a local diner.”

“Thanks for coming on up,” Slick Banter said. “We’ll learn more about the two of you as we play our game.” He turned his attention to the couple in the middle. “Now for the second couple I picked. What are your names?”

Both the slate gray unicorn and the light periwinkle pegasus began to answer at the same time. She motioned for him to go first.

“Sledgehammer.”

“Precipitate Whim.”

“And let me guess where you’re from…” Slick Banter said, prompting them to continue.

“Canterlot!” they replied in unison. The audience laughed.

“And what do you two do?”

“I play safety for the Canterlot Ospreys, the arena hoofball team,” the solidly-built unicorn replied.

“Right now, I root him on while he plays his games.” She waved her forelegs in a vague pattern in front of her as if to demonstrate the act of rooting him on, her light azure mane bobbing up and down in the process.

Slick Banter followed up, “How’s the team doing this year?”

“We’re six and four,” Sledgehammer said.

“So you’re used to winning.”

“That’s right!” the stallion replied, easily loud enough for the audience to hear him even without the sound amplification spell that had been cast across the stage.

“Then good luck to you two.” The host looked at the seat at the end farthest from him. “Now, let’s meet our third team. Wow, you two are really close,” he said, seeing that they were still holding on to one another. “How long did you say you’ve been together, again?”

“Since we started dating, more than four years,” Lyra replied.

“And still with your forelegs around each other like that. Well, if you need the rest of the seat, there’s plenty of room for you. And don’t worry, other couples – I’ve been playing this game for a while now, and it isn’t always the couple who’ve been together the longest that wins. Anyway, what are your names?”

“I’m Lyra Heartstrings.”

“And I’m Bon Bon.”

“And of course, you’re from…”

“We live in Ponyville!” Lyra said, triumphantly throwing her other foreleg into the air.

“They’re from Ponyville!” Slick Banter yelled to the crowd, acting as though he had just discovered some kind of long-lost treasure. The audience laughed and applauded.

After a few seconds, he continued. “And what do you do in Ponyville?”

“I play lyre in a band. Trots of Life,” Lyra said.

“And I make candy,” Bon Bon said.

“Welcome to the game, and thank you for breaking my streak.” He looked at all three teams. “Here’s how this game works: We’ll play two rounds of three questions each. One of you will predict how your spouse will answer all three questions in the first round, then the other spouse will make the predictions in the second round. The second round is worth more points, so I’d recommend saving the pony you think is a better predictor for that half of the game. With that in mind, who’s going to make the predictions in this first round?”

All three teams briefly deliberated. “You’re better at this kind of thing,” Bon Bon quietly said to Lyra. “You should go second.”

“You’ve got it,” Lyra replied. Bon Bon raised her hoof to indicate that she’d be predicting first. Steady Tempo and Sledgehammer also raised their hooves.

“Then let’s get ready to play!” Slick Banter said. “Those of you who don’t have your hooves up, please join Swallowtail as she leads you offstage. We’re going to put some earphones on you so you can’t hear your spouses’ predictions. When you come back, you’ll answer my questions – every time your spouse has correctly predicted what you say, you earn points. The couple with the most points at the end of the second round wins the cookware!”

Bon Bon didn’t quite pick up all of that, because as soon as he said “leads you offstage,” she gave Lyra an accusatory look. Lyra’s face indicated that she hadn’t expected it, either.

As Lyra let go of her wife and climbed down from the seat, she quietly said, “It’ll only be a couple of minutes. Just keep your eyes on Slick and think about me. It’s just like you’re in the living room and I’m upstairs.” The other two spouses had reached her side of the stage, so she gave Bon Bon an air kiss, then walked with them behind the curtain.

“These first questions will be worth 5, 10, and 15 points,” Slick Banter said. “Remember, you’re trying to predict how your spouse will answer the question when they come back out here. As soon as they all have the earphones on, we’ll get underway. Are you three ready?”

Steady Tempo applauded. Sledgehammer yelled “Yeah!” loud enough to startle her. Bon Bon simply nodded her head slightly.

The host looked offstage. After a couple of seconds, he said, “Okay, we’re good to go. We’ll start with the 5-pointer. You all get the same question.” He picked up a card from his stand. “So tell me: If your spouse was forced to change to one of the other pony races – and couldn’t choose alicorn – which race would he or she pick?”

The three contestants thought for a moment.

“Which race would they pick if they were forced to change,” he repeated. “Steady Tempo, we’ll start with you. If your husband had to be a race other than unicorn, what would he be?”

“That’s a tough one,” she said. “It really could go either way. But if he had to choose… I guess he’d pick… pegasus.”

“Why pegasus?”

She thought for another moment. “It might help him move around a little more easily.”

“Oh, is he clumsy?”

“No, but he’s always running around back and forth at the diner. Maybe it’d help if he could fly a little?”

“Okay, so you say he’ll pick pegasus.” She nodded in reply. “Moving on to Sledgehammer. If your wife had to choose to be a race other than pegasus, what would she pick?”

“I’ve got this one,” he said. “Unicorn. All the way.”

“You seem pretty sure of that.”

“Totally.”

“Why would she choose unicorn?”

“’Cause then we’d both be unicorns. And that’d be cool.”

“I guess I can’t argue with that,” Slick said. “So we have one pegasus and one unicorn.” He looked to the audience. “Trust me, I’m not offended at all.” The audience laughed. “Finally, we go to Bon Bon. If your wife had to choose a race other than unicorn, what would she be?”

When she had first heard the question, Bon Bon had begun to feel a little more at ease. “If she had to change,” she said, “she’d be a pegasus.”

“Really?” Slick Banter said. “She wouldn’t want to be an earth pony like you?”

Bon Bon recognized what he was trying to do. It was one thing watching him set other ponies up to wear goofy costumes or get hit with pies while she watched from her seat. It was quite different being on the receiving end. It became easier to not focus on the audience when she dedicated her attention to the host.

“Trust me – I know Lyra,” she said. “She loves to go flying and her favorite carnival rides are the ones that let her soar through the air. She’s going to choose pegasus.”

“Pegasus it is,” he said. “We’ve recorded your answers offstage for when your spouses come out. But right now, we’ll move on to the 10-point question.” He picked up a new card. “What specific moment will your spouse say was the most awkward thing that happened during your first date together?”

A few ponies in the audience giggled. He repeated the question while the three ponies seated onstage thought about it.

“Sledgehammer, we’ll start with you this time,” the host said. “What will your wife say was the most awkward thing that happened during your first date?”

“You know, the thing that I remember was at the end, she had a piece of parsley stuck in her teeth. That was pretty awkward.”

“Only at the end?”

“Yeah. I would’ve noticed if it had been there the whole time. I didn’t want to say anything, ’cause that would be embarrassing. But yeah, that’s my answer.”

“That’s what your wife is going to say.”

“Probably. I mean, nothing else weird happened.”

“Okay – parsley in the teeth. Bon Bon: What will your wife say was the most awkward thing that happened during your first date together?”

Bon Bon once again felt the eyes of all of the ponies in the audience. However, she also knew what the correct answer to the question was, and she knew that Lyra knew.

After a moment’s hesitation, she said, “It was when we went out to dinner together.” She squirmed on the seat a little bit.

Slick Banter said, “We need you to be more specific than that – going out to dinner could be the entire date. What exactly happened during dinner that was awkward?”

Bon Bon glanced at the audience. “You’re going to make me say it?”

“If you want a chance at the points, you have to tell us.”

She sighed. “All right, fine. While we were waiting for our food, I told Lyra that her eyes looked like two solar eclipses.”

A few audience members chuckled. Bon Bon’s cheeks turned red.

“Why would you tell somepony their eyes looked like solar eclipses?” Slick asked.

“She has beautiful golden eyes! I was trying to be poetic. It didn’t work.”

“Then what did she say?”

“We both just sat there in silence. Then I tried to explain it. That just made things worse.”

“All right, so that’s your answer – eyes like solar eclipses.” He turned back to the seat closest to him. “Steady Tempo: Same question. The most awkward moment during your first date.”

“I don’t know…” she said. “Our first date was a nice little coffee date. There wasn’t anything really awkward about it.”

“What will your husband say was the most awkward moment?”

She looked aimlessly toward the sky, searching for an answer. “I guess… I guess if he had to pick something, he’ll say that he was a couple minutes late.” She quickly added, “But really, it was no big deal.”

“He was late for your first date?”

“It was really casual. It didn’t bother me. And we really hit it off once he arrived.”

“Okay, then,” Slick said. “Final question of the round – this one is worth 15 points.” He looked at his next card. “What will your spouse say is the one thing in your kitchen that he or she can’t live without? Bon Bon, we’ll start with you.”

Bon Bon thought for a few seconds. “The one thing in our kitchen?”

“That your wife just can’t live without.”

A pause. “This is hard… I’m the one who does all the cooking.”

“Really? She doesn’t do any of the cooking for the two of you?”

“If you tasted her cooking, you’d understand why.”

The audience laughed.

Slick said, “Does she know how you feel about her cooking?”

“She’d be the first to admit it.”

A little more laughter.

“Anyway,” Slick said, “we need an answer. The one thing in the kitchen that she can’t live without.”

Another pause. “She never uses the kitchen by herself. The only time she’s there, I’m there, too.” Suddenly, it hit her. “Me! She’ll say me.”

After waiting a moment for elaboration that didn’t come, Slick replied, “You’re saying that she’ll say you.”

“Either that or she’ll take the question literally and say that without food, she wouldn’t be able to be alive. But my answer is me.”

“Okay, that’s your answer,” he said. “I don’t know whether you’re right, but at least you have a healthy sense of self-esteem. Steady Tempo, you’re next. What’s the one thing in your kitchen that your husband can’t live without?”

“This one’s easy,” she said. “Bread.”

“He can’t live without bread?”

“His special talent is sandwich making.”

“Well, I suppose I can’t argue with that logic, then. Your answer is bread. Finally, Sledgehammer. What one thing in your kitchen can’t your wife live without?”

“I don’t know,” he said, sounding a little annoyed at having to answer the question. “I guess the stove?”

“Why can’t she live without the stove?”

“Because then she’d have to make fires by hoof.”

“So you say that she’ll say the stove.”

“Probably?”

“That’s what I like to see,” Slick said to the audience. “Confidence.” The audience laughed. “Okay – we’ve written all of your predictions down. In a few moments, we’ll bring your spouses back out and they’ll tell us what their answers to those questions really are.” A unicorn stage assistant came out and placed three pieces of poster board inside a holder mounted to the back of a short wall positioned in front of each seat. “And then when I tell you to, you’ll reveal your prediction by picking up and showing them the appropriate card. Don’t say anything to even hint at the answer – if you do, you won’t score the points. Audience, the same goes for you.”

The stage assistant left. Slick said, “Let’s welcome back the other halves of our couples!” The audience applauded as the three ponies walked back onstage and took their seats.

“And just a reminder: Sit far enough apart so you’re not touching each other.” He said it to all of the couples, although he was looking specifically at Lyra and Bon Bon. “We don’t want anypony using any kind of signals to give each other the answer. Of course, if your answers match, it’s okay to hug or high-hoof or however you want to show that you love each other. Within reason.” There was a small laugh from the audience.

“Okay, then,” he said. “Here’s our first question, worth 5 points: If you were forced to change to one of the other pony races – and you couldn’t choose alicorn – which race would you pick?” He paused for a couple of seconds to let them think. “Short Stack, we’ll start with you. If you had to be a race other than unicorn, which race would you choose?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I use my magic a lot at the diner. But if I had to be one of the other races, I guess I’d be… an earth pony?”

“Steady Tempo, show him what you said on card number one there.”

Using her magic, she raised a card from the holder in front of her. On it was printed the word PEGASUS in large, written block letters.

“She said you’d be a pegasus.”

“I wasn’t sure,” she said apologetically.

“That’s all right,” her husband said, almost equally as apologetic.

Slick said, “So why would you want to be an earth pony?”

Short Stack blushed a little. “Well, I wish I was stronger.”

“Aw, honey,” Steady Tempo said. “You’re strong enough for me.” She put down the card and they hugged. Some of the audience “aww”ed in unison.

“That’s really sweet,” Slick Banter said. “You don’t get any points for it, but it’s really sweet. Moving on to couple number two. Precipitate Whim: If you couldn’t be a pegasus, which race would you choose to be?”

“I’d be a unicorn,” she said. “I think it would help me know Sledge better.”

“Your husband said… lift up the first card.”

Sledgehammer levitated the card, revealing the word UNICORN.

“Unicorn!” Slick announced as Precipitate Whim gave her husband a hug and a quick kiss. “Five points for team number two.” Swallowtail flew behind their seat and up toward two flip cards, each capable of displaying a single digit, that were hanging above their heads. She flipped one of them over so the cards displayed “05” to the audience.

“Let’s go to team number three. Lyra Heartstrings: If you had to choose a race other than unicorn, which race would it be?”

“Pegasus,” Lyra said. “Flying looks like it’d be so much fun!”

“A quick, definitive answer,” Slick noted. “Bon Bon, reach down and show Lyra what you said.”

Bon Bon leaned over toward the cards. Each one had a large tab on the top of it in a different location and the holder had the numbers 1, 2, and 3 beneath the tabs. She picked up the first tab with her teeth, then transferred the card to her hooves as she sat back up. It said PEGASUS.

“She said pegasus! Five points!” Lyra hugged Bon Bon as the model changed their score. Bon Bon let the card fall to the ground behind the short wall.

“Let’s go to our second question,” Slick said. “What specific moment was the most awkward thing that happened during your first date together?”

Bon Bon turned her head to hide the fact that she was blushing a little bit.

“This time, we’ll start with Precipitate Whim. What was the most awkward moment during your first date?”

Immediately, she answered, “The most awkward thing happened at the beginning of the date. A couple of minutes into it, he called me by the wrong name.” Some of the audience “ooh”ed.

“Sledgehammer, show her what you thought she’d say.” Her husband lifted up a card that read SHE HAD PARSLEY IN HER TEETH.

“What?!” she said. “When?”

“At the end,” he responded. “I thought you knew.”

“No!” she said. “And even if I did, how is that worse than calling somepony by the wrong name?”

Slick broke in. “What did he call you?”

“He called me Precipitous Wind.”

Sledgehammer replied, “You have a weird name!”

“I have a unique name!”

Slick Banter let the moment hang in the air as she stared her husband down. Finally, he said, “Well, that isn’t a match, so no points there. Lyra Heartstrings, we move on to you. What was the most awkward thing that happened during your first date?”

“Before I give you the answer,” Lyra said, “I don’t want Bon Bon to suffer alone, so I’ll tell you the second-most awkward thing first. Just after the entrées arrived, I tried to give her a compliment in a husky, sexy voice. But I went too low and halfway through, it turned into a coughing fit.” The audience laughed. “Exactly. But the most awkward moment was when she tried to compliment my eyes.”

The audience began to applaud and Bon Bon reached down for the card.

Slick held up his hoof. “What specifically happened?”

“She said they looked like solar eclipses.”

“Okay, show her the card.” Bon Bon revealed SAID HER EYES LOOKED LIKE ECLIPSES. The model changed their score to 15.

As the applause died down, Lyra said, “We were both trying too hard to make the night feel romantic. A little bit after I stopped coughing, we figured out that we already loved each other for who we are and went back to being ourselves. After dinner, we went out for a walk under the stars. And that’s when everything clicked and we knew we were definitely supposed to be together.”

“You figured that out by the end of the first date?” Slick asked.

“Yeah, I know,” Lyra replied. “It’s crazy that it took that long.”

“Well, that was good for 10 points. Short Stack, same question. What was the most awkward thing that happened during your first date together?”

“I was five minutes late,” he said. “I had to apologize a lot.”

“Steady Tempo, show him what you said he’d say.”

She levitated the card: HE WAS LATE.

“Ten points for you!” The audience applauded. “Steady Tempo, you only said he was late. Why did he have to apologize a lot?”

“Because he felt really bad. I kept trying to tell him it was okay.”

“And if you had asked what was the most awkward part of our second date,” Short Stack said, “it was when I came to pick her up thirty minutes too early and she wasn’t ready yet.”

Slick said to Steady Tempo, “And you married him anyway.”

“I could tell he cared. And he’s better about it now.”

“All right – after two questions, all of the couples are on the board. The last question of this round is worth 15 points. Tell me – what is the one thing in your kitchen that you can’t live without? Lyra Heartstrings, we’ll start with you.”

“Just Lyra is fine. When you keep saying my full name, I feel like I’m being scolded.”

“Just Lyra it is. And now I know how to get your attention if you get out of line. So, Lyra: The one thing in your kitchen you can’t live without.”

“In our kitchen?”

“In your kitchen, yes.”

“Well, I know you want me to name an appliance or a favorite food or something like that. But truthfully, the one thing that’s in our kitchen that I can’t live without… is Bon Bon.” She looked at her wife adoringly.

Slick smirked. “Your wife predicted that you’d say…”

Bon Bon lifted up the last card in the holder. It said BON BON.

“Bon Bon! A perfect first round!” The audience applauded as their score was changed to 30. Lyra gave Bon Bon another hug, crushing the card in the process.

Slick followed up by asking, “So when you picture your kitchen, you always picture her in it?”

“It’s her ‘office.’ When she’s at work, that’s where she is.”

“She said that she does all of the cooking for the two of you, too.”

“She does,” Lyra replied. “If you tasted my cooking, you’d understand why.”

The audience laughed and applauded. Lyra looked a little confused by the big reaction.

“Well, I can’t top that,” Slick said. “Short Stack, we go to you. What’s the one thing in your kitchen that you can’t live without?”

“I’ve got to have my breads,” he said. “Can’t have a good sandwich without the right bread.”

“Your answer is bread?”

“Bread.”

“Your wife said you’d say…”

BREAD

“Bread! Another 15 points!” The audience applauded. “All right, so I’ve got to know: How does a pony named Short Stack wind up with a sandwich cutie mark?”

“My father runs the Early Bird Diner here. He specializes in breakfast, and he figured I’d do the same. I did overhaul the lunch menu, though.”

“I see. Good job getting the plug in there, too.”

“Hey, you asked.”

“I guess I did. But now, I’m moving on to Precipitate Whim.” He thought for a second before addressing her. “Do you want me calling you by your full name like that?”

“My friends call me Whim,” she said. Motioning toward her husband, she said, “He calls me Cip.”

“Got it,” he nodded. “I don’t know you that well, so I’ll stick with Whim. So then, Whim: What’s the one thing in your kitchen you can’t live without?”

“I’d have to say the eggbeater.”

“You can’t live without an eggbeater?”

“It’s the most convenient thing. I just…” she tried to pantomime turning the handle of an eggbeater “…and I’m done.”

“You say eggbeater. Your husband thought you’d say…”

Slick motioned for Sledgehammer to reveal the card. It said THE STOVE.

Precipitate Whim scrunched her face. “You thought I’d say the stove?”

“You’re always using the stove.”

“Yeah, but the eggbeater actually makes things easier for me.”

“We don’t even eat eggs that often!”

“I use it to mix other things, too!” She swatted the card out of the air.

“No points for that,” Slick said. “So at the end of the first round, Sledgehammer and Precipitate Whim have 5 points. Short Stack and Steady Tempo have 25 points. And Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon are just ahead with 30 points.” Some light applause. “Now it’s time to switch things around for round two. Steady Tempo, Sledgehammer, Bon Bon: It’s your turn to go backstage while your spouses predict what you’re going to say.”

Bon Bon climbed down from the seat and looked up at Lyra, who was giving her a big smile. Reflexively, she smiled back. She then walked toward Swallowtail, who was waiting near the side of the stage. The three ponies followed the model a couple of steps offstage to the stage manager, who led them around a side curtain and just behind the large curtain that ran across the length of the stage. There, they stopped next to a unicorn stage assistant who was levitating three pairs of magically powered earphones. He placed a pair over each of the players’ heads, fully covering their ears.

Bon Bon flinched a little as a bombastic orchestral score briefly overwhelmed her senses. As she acclimated to the music, she watched the assistant adjust the earphones on Steady Tempo’s head. He then looked at all three of them and said something. Bon Bon just gave him a confused look, as she couldn’t hear a word of it over the music. When the assistant smiled and nodded, she understood what he had been doing.

With the curtain separating her from the audience, Bon Bon realized that she could relax. It then struck her that although she still had a couple of butterflies in her stomach, she wasn’t as nervous as she had expected to feel. It probably helped that she and Lyra were winning. Plus, she told herself, her wife would be right by her side for the rest of the game.

A different feeling of nervousness overtook her as she realized that she and Lyra only had a five-point lead. The last thing Bon Bon wanted to do was give a bad answer and disappoint the most important pony in her life.

Bon Bon took a deep breath to steady her nerves – a technique Lyra had taught her – and chose to focus on the music in her earphones. On a couple of occasions, she could make out the muffled sound of audience laughter, but she wasn’t able to hear anything that was being said onstage.

Finally, the unicorn watching over them activated his horn and took the earphones off of the three players’ heads. As the stage manager took them around the curtain and positioned them one step away from the stage, she heard Slick Banter say, “…the couple with the most points at the end of this round wins that beautiful cookware.” The stage manager gave him a signal. “Now, let’s welcome back your spouses!”

As the audience applauded, Steady Tempo, Sledgehammer, and Bon Bon walked back toward their seats. Bon Bon noticed that Lyra’s natural, beaming smile had been replaced by a forced, wavering smile. Almost as though she was trying to silently communicate to her, “please don’t be mad at me.”

Bon Bon felt even queasier than when she had been worrying about the audience. Did Lyra think that they weren’t going to match? That Bon Bon wasn’t going to know the answers to the questions? Seeing the nervousness on the face of her wife – the pony who was always comfortable on a stage – only made Bon Bon more anxious about causing her to lose.

Once everyone had taken their seats, Slick said, “We start this round with a 10-point question. Tell me: What aspect of the bachelor or bachelorette life was the most difficult thing to give up?”

Bon Bon grimaced a little. Her stomach churned harder. She didn’t have an answer for that one.

“Steady Tempo, you’re up first. What part of being a bachelorette was the most difficult thing for you to give up?”

“Well,” she said, “it doesn’t have to do with being a bachelorette, but ever since I married Stack, the toughest thing has been waking up early in the morning. I was used to being able to sleep in.”

“And now you can’t?”

“He has to be there when the diner opens. And once I wake up, I can’t fall back asleep.”

“So in answer to the question of what was the most difficult thing to give up…”

“I’d say sleeping in.”

“Your husband said you’d say…”

Short Stack levitated the card in front of him. It said SLEEPING IN.

“Sleeping in – another 10 points! That takes you up to 35.”

As her husband put the card down, Steady Tempo gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Sledgehammer, you need these points. What aspect of the bachelor life has been the hardest thing for you to give up?”

He didn’t hesitate. “Ever since I married Cip,” he said, “she says I can’t go to the bar anymore. So that’s my answer.”

“She won’t let you go to any bar?”

“I don’t know. But she won’t let me go to my favorite bar.”

“Which bar is that?”

“Horseplay and Hijinks.”

Some of the audience laughed.

“Well yeah,” Slick Banter said, “I can see why she wouldn’t want you to go there anymore now that you’re married.”

More of the audience laughed.

“Anyway, her prediction was…”

Precipitate Whim reached down to lift up a card that read GOING TO THE BAR.

“The bar! Sledgehammer and Precipitate Whim, looking to stage a comeback!” The model updated their score to 15.

Bon Bon saw the host’s attention turn to her. “Finally, Bon Bon: What part of being a bachelorette was the toughest for you to give up?”

“This is a hard one,” Bon Bon said. She still hadn’t come up with an answer. Every aspect of her life had been improved once Lyra entered it. There was less quiet, but she loved how Lyra kept things interesting. It wasn’t not having the entire bed to herself – she was glad that Lyra was by her side. And while it was true that she had a little less privacy, she had no intention of giving that as her response and talking about her gastrointestinal tract in front of other ponies.

“I need an answer,” Slick said.

She racked her brain for ideas. Sleeping in wasn’t an issue and she didn’t like going to the bar, so no inspiration there. She had never dated anyone before Lyra, so she didn’t miss getting to go out with other mares. As a couple, their finances were strong.

The thought of their finances led her to…

“I guess if I had to pick something,” she finally said, “I’d say getting to decide when to do things. Before, I could go to the market the moment that I felt like doing it. But now, I have to know what Lyra has planned for the day, or see if she’s ready, because we like going to the market together.” She shook her head slightly. “I know, that’s a lame answer – it isn’t even that big of a change.” She frowned and looked at her wife. “I’m sorry I let you down.”

Lyra, though, had a smile on her face. On the host’s cue, she levitated her card.

MAKING HER OWN SCHEDULE

A look of surprise appeared on Bon Bon. Before she could react further, Lyra dropped the card and gave her a hug.

“And I love that you always keep me in mind,” she said.

Slick Banter announced, “Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon maintain their lead with 40 points. Next up, it’s the 20-point question. For this one, I need two different answers. Both answers have to match in order for you to get the points. Complete this sentence: My favorite city in all of Equestria is blank. But the city that I’ll never travel to is where?” He repeated the sentence to give the players time to think.

“Okay, Sledgehammer,” he said, “we start with you. How do you fill in those blanks?”

“My favorite city is definitely Las Pegasus,” he said.

“Why’s that?”

“Come on, do you have to ask? It’s Las Pegasus!” He raised his foreleg to give a hoof bump to the host, realized that he was too far away, then turned to offer his hoof to his wife. She simply sat in place. He put his leg back down.

Slick said, “And the city that you’ll never travel to?”

“Hitchita,” he said. “It’s so boring.”

“Whim, what did you think he’d say?”

She lifted up the next card. A horizontal line was drawn across the middle to separate her two answers. On the top was CANTERLOT and on the bottom was FILLYDELPHIA.

“Canterlot!” she shouted. “You know, the city where you live?”

“Oh, c’mon… Las Pegasus,” he said by way of explanation.

“And you hate Fillydelphia! They keep beating you!”

“Yeah, but I have to go there for the away games! Why would you say I’d never go there?”

She just threw the card to the ground and turned away from him.

When it was clear that the two were done talking, Slick Banter continued. “Your score stays at 15 points,” he said. “Bon Bon, it’s your turn. ‘My favorite city in Equestria is blank but the city I’ll never travel to is where?’”

“My favorite city is Ponyville,” she said. “Because that’s where all of my memories with Lyra are.” She could hear Minuette say “Aww!” all the way from the audience. “But the city I won’t go to… I’d have to say Baltimare.”

“Why won’t you go to Baltimare?” Slick asked.

“Painful memories. I don’t want to get into it.”

“Lyra wouldn’t say anything more than that, either. Her answer was…”

Lyra lifted the next card.

PONYVILLE
BALTIMARE

“Correct!” The audience applauded as the model flipped their score to 60.

As the applause died down, Lyra said to her, “I knew it was either…” She trailed off, deliberately choosing to not finish the sentence. “But I figured…”

“Yeah,” Bon Bon replied. “The entire time. Plus how it ended.” Lyra nodded in understanding.

“What?” Slick Banter said to them, his brow knitted.

“Never mind,” Lyra said.

He opened his mouth to respond, paused, then decided to move on. “Steady Tempo, it’s your turn. Your favorite city and the city you’ll never travel to.”

“My favorite city is Canterlot, because that’s where I grew up.” She waited while the Canterlot residents in the audience applauded. “The city I’ll never travel to is Cloudsdale, because I can’t fly.” Some of the audience laughed.

“Makes sense to me,” Slick said. “Short Stack, what did you predict?”

Short Stack levitated the card. On the top it said CANTERLOT, but on the bottom it said WHINNYPEG.

“I didn’t even think about Cloudsdale,” he said apologetically. “I figured you wouldn’t want to go where it was so cold.”

“I don’t want to go there either, you’re right.”

“Sorry,” Slick said, “no partial credit. You stay at 35.”

Steady Tempo put her foreleg across her husband’s withers to let him know it was okay.

“So with one question left in the game,” Slick said, “Sledgehammer and Precipitate Whim are on the board with 15 points. Short Stack and Steady Tempo have 35 points. And Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon have a perfect 60 points.” The audience applauded.

“This final question is worth 30 points. Now, because we have foals in the audience, I’m going to use a code phrase. As I’m sure you three know, there’s a certain special activity that married couples do when they’re alone.” Some of the audience members tittered as realization crept across the three players’ faces. “Yep, that’s the one. Instead of explaining what it is, I’m just going to call that activity ‘making whoopee.’ So with that in mind: When you and your spouse make whoopee, are you gentle as a dove, quick as a bunny, strong as a lion, or loud as a howler monkey?” Several members of the audience laughed.

Bon Bon’s jaw dropped. She once again became acutely aware of the hundreds of ponies watching her.

“Because it’s the last question, we’ll go from the lowest score to the highest. Sledgehammer: You have 15 points. You can’t win the game, but this is a chance for you to at least save face. So, when making whoopee, are you as gentle as a dove, quick as a bunny, strong as a lion, or loud as a howler monkey?”

“I’ve got this one,” he said. “Strong as a lion. No question.”

“You say strong as a lion. Your wife said that you’re…”

QUICK AS A BUNNY

More laughter from the audience.

“Dude!”

Precipitate Whim simply shrugged.

“You aren’t supposed to tell everypony that! And I am strong!”

“How would you know – there’s never enough time to find out!”

The audience reacted again.

Sledgehammer looked like he had the wind knocked out of him. “Babe…”

She responded by deliberately placing the card back in the holder.

Slick Banter cut in. “So you stay at 15 points,” he said. “Steady Tempo, how about you: Gentle as a dove, quick as a bunny, strong as a lion, or loud as a howler monkey?”

She looked at her husband. “He’d better have said gentle as a dove.”

“Let’s find out. Show her what you said.”

GENTLE AS A DOVE

“He did!” Slick said. The couple hugged. The model updated their score.

“That moves you two into the lead with 65 points. Bon Bon: You have 60 points. If you match your wife’s prediction, you’ll win the game. If not, Short Stack and Steady Tempo win the cookware.”

The shock still hadn’t left Bon Bon’s face.

“So: When it comes to making whoopee, are you gentle as a dove, quick as a bunny, strong as a lion, or loud as a howler monkey?”

Finally, she closed her mouth. She took a deep breath through her nose.

“That is none of your business!” she yelled. “I am not going to talk about our private lives in front of the entire city! I don’t care if I lose – I refuse to answer that question!”

For a moment, Slick Banter was stunned into silence. He turned to the audience. “That’s her response,” he said.

Bon Bon continued to seethe.

He turned back to the couple. “Lyra, show Bon Bon what you predicted she’d say.”

The anger in Bon Bon’s eyes was suddenly replaced with dread. In her outrage, she hadn’t considered the fact that Lyra had had to answer the question while she’d been backstage. Not only did hundreds of strangers already know about her bedroom habits, she had just cost Lyra the game!

When she looked to her right, though, she was perplexed to see a huge grin on her wife’s face.

Lyra showed her the final card.

THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS – I REFUSE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION

“With a perfect score of 90 points, Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon are our winners!” The crowd erupted into loud cheering and applause.

Lyra levitated the card away while extending her forelegs; Bon Bon wrapped her up in a hug. Lyra leaned back to give her wife a kiss on the lips. Bon Bon, blushing, kissed her back.

“I’d like to thank our other two teams for a great game. You can collect your supply of seasoned rice mix on the way back to your seats.” He addressed the two winners, who were still hugging. “Lyra and Bon Bon, Swallowtail will take you backstage so you can claim your new cookware. Congratulations!”

As the audience applauded, the couple got down from their seat and followed the model offstage, where she pointed them toward one of the stage assistants. He led the two toward a converted dressing room; once inside, a different pony took down their address and gave them a sheet of paper that explained how the prize would be shipped to their home.

Bon Bon was usually the one who was responsible for forms and finances, but she was still trying to process everything that had just happened. She remembered being in the audience and she remembered being behind the curtain, but the game that took place onstage felt like a big blur that went by in the span of just a minute or so. She thought she was getting the gist of what the prize pony was saying, but she was also trying to recall as much as she could from the game itself. Especially because it had ended with Lyra happy.

Lyra, who was paying more attention for once, accepted the paperwork. The couple was dismissed and pointed down a hall toward a door that would take them to the outdoor lobby area – from there, they could re-enter the audience from the back.

Before they opened the door, Lyra pulled Bon Bon toward her for another hug. Bon Bon stopped replaying the final question in her head and went back to being in the present.

“You did an amazing job up there.”

Bon Bon hugged her back. “You were the amazing one. Now do you believe me that you’re the best wife in all of Equestria?”

“Hey – you got just as many questions right as I did.”

“Yeah, but your answers were better. Way better. And you’re the one who did it to win some really nice cookware for me and nothing for you.”

“First of all, you deserve to have nice things. And second of all… you’re not going to let me eat anything you make with it?”

“Well… okay. I guess since you know me better than I know myself, I’ll keep feeding you.”

“See? You’re the best.”

“Sorry, but that’s the first wrong thing you’ve said all day.”

Lyra gave Bon Bon a kiss on the cheek. Bon Bon responded in kind, then opened the door. Waiting on the other side were Lyra’s four friends and her parents, who had decided to step out to a place where they could greet the winning couple with cheers and congratulations. As soon as the two were through the doorway, Minuette and Twinkleshine pounced on them for a group hug. Lemon Hearts and Moondancer quickly joined in. It happened so quickly, neither Bon Bon nor Lyra had a chance to raise any foreleg to hug them back.

Bon Bon was still a little uncomfortable getting attention from four ponies at once – even if they were her friends, they were also right in her face. But while she looked at the joyful expressions of the unicorns surrounding her, Lyra, whose body was being pressed into her on the right, gripped her right foreleg with her left foreleg.

Bon Bon gripped her back. With that connection, she realized that she never had anything to worry about.

Comments

[ezra09]

Cute story and well written.

[The Bricklayer]

This was me throughout the entire story. Great shit.

[axxuy]

I love it!

[Valuable Ashes]

Claps slowly Good stuff

[OmniFox]

So.....the love-making of Lyra and Bon-Bon is rough like dragons rutting in lava.

[Inspector Brown]

I cannot be the only one who heard Bob Eubank's voice reading Slick Banter's lines...right?

[bahatumay]

This was fun!

[lillytheomegawolf]

Brilliant.
A lot of fun and the game on stage was well thought out.
I felt sorry for the bickering new couple but hey, Lyra and Bon Bon were pretty epic and I like how the accepted answer for the last one was essentially Lyra knowing that Bon Bon would give a non answer.

[Locomotion]

As her husband put the card down, Split Second gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Wasn't that meant to be Swift Tempo? I don't recall seeing a Split Second anywhere else in the story. Other than that, I'm really impressed with the overall premise of the story; it's quite a nice change to have it centring around a game show of sorts, and I like your choice of Lyra and Bonbon as contestants.

[_Undefined_]

9440361

Wasn't that meant to be Swift Tempo? I don't recall seeing a Split Second anywhere else in the story.

Ah, crud. Split Second was originally her name until I realized that I was confusing even myself with two minor characters whose initials were S.S.

I've made the change. Thanks!

[Voidwalker]

There are certain... 'kinds' of stories. If you read enough, at some point or another, quite a few stories start to feel 'same-y', if you know what I mean. There are the 'confessing your feelings'-stories, the 'asking to get married'-stories, the 'first heavy argument'-stories and so on. That's... not a bad thing at all, don't get me wrong. These stories are the solid, reliable backbone of the 'feel good'-section.
And then, there are stories like this one, with a setting so weirdly unique, that they break the mold and any attempt to compare them to other works. This was a really, really interesting setting. And on top of that, sickeningly sweet and adorable in a believable way.
Thank you!

[_Undefined_]

10491582
"Weirdly unique and sickeningly sweet" is a more accurate description of this story than I could have come up with. And "adorable in a believable way" is a wonderful compliment.

Thanks!

[TheYear2525]

Lyrabon isn't my favorite ship but it's also by far not at the end of my list. I've especially enjoyed your Lyrabon stories and this one is a little but interesting addition.
I like the little thing you did with the 2 rounds of questions: the first round is from a different perspective than the second round. That made it much more interesting. The questions are well thought out and also the host is spot on.
The characters of the other two pairs are also well chosen. One for a serious competitor an one for funny disagreements xD .
Very well done. Actually I'm baffled that your stories aren't that well known.

[_Undefined_]

11023430
Thank you for the kind words. At this point, I've accepted that there's a limited audience for most of my stories. But I'm okay with that, because they're still being enjoyed by people who like that kind of story to begin with.

[grilledcat]

That was so cute. I realize Bob Eubanks was the host of the tv show, but I couldn’t get Richard Dawson’s voice out of my head.

[_Undefined_]

11307984
That's a valid interpretation. Slick Banter was meant to be more of an amalgam of stereotypically slightly smarmy game show hosts of the '70s rather than one specific personality.