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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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my murder boner is an all time high!!
another good chapter, but you called shining a "she" at the beginning of the fight.
9211482
Sorry i will fix that
9211482
Should be fixed now
I actually really like this. I was not expecting to, but i do. Well done.
and for those who think Adrian is not a girl name you can look it up it is a girls names to
I want to press 'F' for Shining's death. NOT!
BTW - the grammar is on a school drop-out level, you should try improving it.
I can ignore the spelling mistakes but figth scenes are just disapointing. In both of the games Talion is almoust always fighting alone against group and has many skills to compensate, in here so far every time you had chance to showcase his capabilities agains more then one you had his army effortlessly overpower opposition. Now that you finally arranged situation where he is forced to fight by himself and show off a little I was expecting to see skills from the original game, with maybe a little combining from the all dark magic related things you gave him.
As far as I can see you anly used one skill he is suppose to have and ...what two other spells I can't know about because they are from somewhere else? It was also too shorth which didn't time to get immersed in the battle. I hope I don't come off as rude but until you somehow fix this and bring some ACTUAL CONFLICT here, I just can't continue.
I truly hope you get better. You have great idea here but exucution gets worse over time. You actually made me finally realise what is Mary Sue and why people complain so much about it. Your version of Talion is beginning to borderline that trope dangerously much.
Won't be much of a fight, seeing that he can't die(well, TECHNICALLY he can, but it won't have much of an effect)
9275127
I know but he didn't know that
WTF is this?! Seriously, WTF is THIS?!
First half doesn't make any sense and second stuck to it and somehow grew into a single sentence. And this is the very first paragraph.
And no, if I wouldn't like your story I'd already drop it.
On a sidenote. I have nothing against some clop. It just feels forced in Aiko's case. She were raped and she were raped a lot as it seems. I really doubt that anyone would like to have sex any time soon after what she barely made through.
9281005
If you dont like my story you dont have to read it
9281376
I didn't say I don't. It just requires A LOT of proofreading. No, seriously, re-read that first paragraph for yourself.
Here is my half-arsed attempt to fix it:
Hell, I figured out how to divide first half into separate sentences only at 3rd attempt. And this is only first paragraph.
And that particular case with Aiko really looks rushed even if we take into consideration what pussymagnet your Talion is.
I very much like the story but you are giving them to much access to him the story will be a all time high if you kept only tempest shadows for while then slowly add more, i love the story but you can't have you're character so easily open that is how bad story's are made my friend. Ps very good story and well do ignore those that keep complaining it happens to everyone with a busy life besides i think you should re do the two mistakes you made. The first being the suprise herd that was a bad move and make negotiations hard for them. Give someone a inche and they will take a mile, as i said i love your story but you gotta fix those thing's can't have your character become a easy resource to them make them show their worth. Make them show why he should let them have some of his resources, this story can hit top number 1# still if you fix how easy he is to talk to the first start was good then down hill. Anyway im going to keep going hopefully he gets betrayed by the girls and aiko and tempest kick them out for betraying him while he cuts of relationships with equestria.
Just saved someone and they instantly want to fuck.......aight imma head out.
9903703
Ok if you don't want to read you don't have to
And he killed the story. He just kill your brother guilty or not that would piss me off. 2nd he is going around fucking anything with legs. Is he sum horny teenager. I dont care that you dont know what a period is, there are some good storys with bad spelling. But this is just a bad, fast write story that has no suprises or meat to it. I would have had him bring back Shining as a undead, or not kill him as proof he does not solve everything with.... kill it. You cant even take criticism like a child, using the if you don't like it dont read it bull shit. I am trying to right a story and I sent it to a friend to prof read he sead it was shit. Instead of getting mad I fixed some things, added some depth, but kept the some base and he loved it. You need to grow as a writer and to do that you cant block out the criticism and continue to do shit work. Good try, good idea, bad product. Good luck with your next story this is where I leave off.
A child that is trying to reach puberty wrote this.
Did the dick ever reply back to the message?
On a more serious note, I have noted that many clop writers use 'message' when it should be 'massage'