Page generated in 0.015 seconds
Total duration
1,006 users online
54,955 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
STOP YOU ARE GOING TO FAST SLOW DOWN!
9231919
I think you need to PM him.
9231992
we have been in constant contact on discord and he has been looking at my chapter’s
9231992
if you are talking about my editor
9232005
I only suggested that because, i thought you were too busy to read comments.
9232026
I read them everyday but I find it troubling to slow down my story when I have so much off it already thought out
9232026
I have thought all the way to sombra and a little beyond that
Warning - I rant when typing out long things of text, this isn't meant to bash I do want to help. If you wish to talk or feel like I said something unneccesary please send me a pm and I will be happy to chat about it. I'm sure we can come to understand each other. Again, this isn't meant to bash, please pm me if you feel I'm attacking you or your story and we can come to an understanding about what was being said.
I'll be honest I don't know if anyone else has said something similar, I don't read comments without a reason, and I certaintly don't post the meither, but now that I've invested time into reading this I need to say my piece. It has a ton of potential and I do mean that cause as much as I know authors don't like their work dragged through the mud (I had been there, I posted a story and despite me feeling it was good at the time, I know now it was only a base, the criticism only made me look at it and think. I obviously took it down cause I'd rather improve it then have people continue to tell me how crap of a writer I am when we all start somewhere.) , this story seems to be dragging itself. It isn't a story, I'm sorry to say. The flow isn't based off anything, instead this story seems like it was written around poorly written combat scenes. Everything outside of those scenes is only to lead to another attempting to be more interesting than the last. But action does not make a good story, you need pace, personalities, plot and I don't mean the clop kind, I mean the point of the story. This story though seems like a good base. It's vague and plain, I get that you have great plans ahead of you and its great to get those down but refine them. Refine what you've written. Add character building so that we can connect to the characters in some way. Have scenes that aren't about clop or action that builds something. People can't connect with a ring wraith who fights battles against diamond dogs while building his army of golems within a medieval style fortress. People connect to the quirks of a character, like Twilight's love for books, AJ's honesty and hardworking tendencies, Celestia's motherly affection towards those under her. Talion to my memory has yet to really show any besides being a badass in combat against mortal races that can't even hurt him if I recall the story properly. Make some slice of life chapters as filler if need be, have events where the characters can let down their hair. Have a slumber party that doesn't end in unwarranted and badly written clop, yes I know practice makes perfect but start at the main point and expand to the rest. Don't have huge stretches of time summed up within a sentence, give our imaginations a treat, have conversations happen even if they shouldn't take that long but it isn't as simple as two questions takes three hours. I'll say it again as this may point the opposite but I'm not bashing, I want to see this story reach a new level in its potential. It's like baking, you attempted to make donuts, you figured out what you wanted and likely how you want to get there but you're not following the directions properly. You're cooking it for too short a time on too high a heat as if that can compensate properly but because you just want to eat them now, you didn't even bother to top it off and then served them, plain dough in the shape of a donut but without and of the flavour or texture promised by the label. If it's a chocolate glaze, give us a chocolate glaze not normal half baked dough with a label.
To start, yeah, you should slow down, things are advancing way too quickly. In eighteen chapters, 43,000 words, This guy went from being human to this way faster than is believable. Everyone also seems way to accepting of him, like it has been mentioned that ring wraiths were a thing in the past and they are known as being super bad people but yet one event caused everyone to look at him and just accept him when logically for a ruler the age of Celestia, she should know you can put on a mask to hide your intent. So while acting nice he could still be plotting his plan for conquest but she seems to instead of keeping him at arms length with the act to see where it goes decides she'd rather jump his bone.
Secondly, The characters, to me personally anyways, they don't seem believable, refer to the end of my first point for a very good reason. From reading the story thus far, it seems like you are trying to sell their biggest personality parts. Like Fluttershy being kind and good with animals. Rainbow Dash being a bitch...in my opinion anyways. But in a world that is different from the show which is obvious from the start, why is it their personalities are so...underdeveloped. Even Aiko someone who is an OC seems to only exist to make certain points relevant or to make things show more but isn't a true character. Conversations and actions are the key to making a personality show in text but the conversations are quickly finished only achieving the main point you want to show which no conversation is like that unless its all that needs to be said and the actions are not really even there. Like a combat scene, yeah cool but honestly that isn't the action needed for a character development. It's how they act and react given circumstances.
Lastly if you have an editor why is there still so many spelling mistakes? If he hasn't edited the chapters yet, I'm sorry to say but they should not be uploaded, Also a quick tip from someone who has made the same mistakes you are, calm the train, write it out and think it over. Half of what is done is done without what seems to be a reason.
TL;DR - Slow your pace and flesh out the story and characters. Make it believable and not about what you wish happened if this had happened to you. If you feel attacked or upset by a comment I made, please pm me and we can come to an understanding, by which I mean tell me what upset you and I'll explain it better and hopefully it will improve the story for the future which is good for all parties involved.
the next chapter will be a little delayed today
A little tip/nit pick:
Scan through your story and put a capital C on Celestia's name, i have found several times where it was writen celestia and it gets to me a little, since its a name
9234944
Also, Tempest, Twilight and a few other. Also, capital letters at start of each sentence and dot in the end. Also, a few metric fucktons of typos and repeats.
Fixing just Celly's name won't help it much if at all.
...Seems my worries may still be present for Discord. Also, the fight scenes are feeling less and less like it's Talion in them. To much like Generic OP Character in Combat to them, to little Iconic Powers from the Games. Lastly, after reading it through, I have to agree with this comment:
9232273